A Deep Clean

Anytime that I receive a text message from a female stating that they thought about me while in the shower brings a smile to my face. This next story is no different!

So a good friend of mine is in the shower yesterday rushing to get ready to go out. It was freezing yesterday so even though the heat was probably blaring in the bathroom cold weather can put a damper on anyones shaving experience. Any who my friend is in the shower washing when she decides to shave her lady parts. She grabs the shaving cream and gets a good lather going on her vag. She then takes her razor with a brand new head on it and slices into the overgrown jungle. As she shaves she is struck by the most awkward feeling, which she could only describe as burning yet refreshing at the same time. As she continued shaving the pain intensified and her pubic region began to glisten bright red and bleed! What the fuck was going on... she immediately rinsed her half shaven snatch as the burning brought her to her knees.. it was then that she realized her mistake.

While hunched over bleeding and in pain she observed the shaving cream can and its bright colors. As she turned the can to her surprise she realized that she had just shaved her vagina with Iso Active Aqua Toothpaste!!!! Her boyfriend said although her vag was patchy with hair it tasted very refreshing!! LOL

Game of Chance

While making my morning cup of java I was speaking with our secretary, Lora. Lora is normally very quite and the only time she gets up from her desk is for an occasional ciggy break.
Well today when I saw her she got silly and told me I was just the person she was looking for because she had a story for me. The smile stretched across my face as I poured the creamer into my coffee.
She started with the basics... that yesterday she and her husband took the day off and had gone to the casino for the holidays as her gift to him. Nothing kooky yet? She went on to say that she usually holds his money and distributes it in twenty dollar bills so that he doesn't blow through it.
After they arrived on the main floor of Fox woods she gave him his first twenty and told him that she would be playing Wheel of Fortune so when he needed more money that's where he could find her. He thanked her and disappeared into the crowd of gamblers. Lora wandered over to the slot machines only to find that her favorite machines, Wheel of Fortune, were already being used. Damn it. She then walked all the way to the opposite side of the casino and began to play.
Thirty minutes later she thought it was odd that her husband had not come to her for more money but assumed he must be winning where ever he was? Ten minutes later he appeared beat red and sweating.
He began his story with "Please God tell me I just asked you for twenty dollars" he asked her looking petrified. Shocked and concerned she told him no and wanted to know what was going on. Visibly shaken he sat down next to her and explained how he had burned all his money on one slot machine and then had wandered around trying to find her for more money. He finally found her at the Wheel of Fortune slot and walked up behind her and began rubbing her back. She said nothing. After a couple more minutes of back rubbing he asked her for twenty bucks and she faintly said "NO". Confused and thinking she was grumpy about losing he began massaging her shoulders and giving her pep talks. Again asked her for money but this time when she said No her voice was different. It sounded nervous... He leaned forward to find that THIS WAS NOT HIS WIFE and the woman he was touching was a complete stranger!!! He bolted across the casino before she had time to get the police!! What a filthy pig... wish I was at the casino yesterday!!! LOL

Vagina Floss

A friend of mine works at a well known bakery in the City of New Haven and recently shared an amazing story that happened to her with me. I could not resist but pass it along.
After a long day serving, coffee, muffins etc.. the line is finally winding down. My friend, "Judy", serves the last couple of patrons including a nicely dressed business woman with a briefcase on wheels. The woman orders a strong cup of java and possibly a muffin and then disappears to consume her purchases. "Judy" finishes up her daily routines as the patrons digest and begin to leave one by one.
Part of Judy's routines includes cleaning up/replenishing the ladies room, which is a single person bathroom. Judy walks over to the bathroom and pushes the door wide open surprising the business woman inside. The business woman is shocked by the intrusion (even though she failed to LOCK THE DOOR!!) She is standing in front of the sink with her skirt, pantyhose and underpants around her ankles, topless with a long sheet of paper towel between her legs making a motion that Judy could only describe as "flossing her vagina." Judy said excuse me and shut the door. She stood silently outside the bathroom pondering what she had just walked in on.
Moments later the business woman exited the bathroom at a quick pace, avoiding eye contact and dragging her little wheelie suitcase behind her!
Judy quickly returned to the bathroom to find it in complete shambles and worst of all.. that woman had left the filthy, used, sticky, hot, wet paper towel ON TOP OF THE TRASH CAN???
Couple of questions here... 1. Why the fuck do you take your shirt off to wash your snatch? 2. Of all things who lets their underpants/skirt etc touch a public bathroom floor? Your already topless just take that shit off! 3. I have been washing my own vagina for 31 years and I have never used the "floss" technique. Either this woman knows something I don't or there was more going on in that bathroom then we will ever know! (p.s. she was not wearing a mask with a zipper for a mouth) 4. Knowing that someone actually saw you using the paper towel on your lady parts maybe, just maybe, put it INSIDE THE GARBAGE CAN! And last but not least... LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR if your going to get all bajiggity with yourself at a bakery!

BiKrAm YoGa (let's get wet!)

So after a couple of months a friend finally talked me into trying Bikram Yoga. For those of you who don't know or care this is basically doing Yoga in a fucking oven.
The class room is heated to over 100 degrees and you are surrounded by mirrors, which would be great to check out your partially nude classmates if your eyes weren't burned shut from all the sweat pouring into them!
I convince my girlfriend to go with me. We arrive early as recommended and are now locked in the basement of a building which doubles as the oven. The studio finally opens we enter, fill out the required paper work and are basically told to get naked?! I like this place already!! While stripping off my clothes I notice that a man has walked in with a semi erect penis in light blue shorts and bigger breasts then me. The panic sets in... please god DO NOT let him be next to me!!! I mean I love breasts.. but not like that!!
We sit practically nude on leather chairs (which my thighs/ass stick to) make small talk with the other nudes and once the majority of people arrive we are lead into the oven.
The door opens and the smell of shoes and burned flesh fills my nostrils as I collapse onto my rented mat. I am so distracted by the fact that I am using a nasty rented yaga mat that I don't take time to locate the nearest exit. The poses begin! Basically I am in a porno. Lots of bare skin, breathing, stretching, sweating and of course vaginas. I think I have found my new niche!
The sweatier I get the nastier my mat and towel are to lay down on. One would think that I would have brought a clean towel to do yoga on in public but no.. where is the fun in that.. my sweaty body is now covered in my dogs hair which basically makes me appear to have extremely long pubic hairs all over my legs/belly and where ever else has touched the towel. I give a whole new meaning to the word HOT! I should probably add that I have cuts on both of my knees so I am wearing band aids and we all know how well those stick once they are completely saturated in sweat and blood. To sum it up I looked like a crack whore, which I might as well have been after all the fluids that were exchanged on that rented mat!!
It finally ended after an hour and 1/2. I exited the oven with soaking wet underpants and sports bra, which I was forced to drive home in for 20 minutes. I will probably get a yeast infection from sitting in wetness for that long but I am sure the white chunky yeast material that will pour out of my vag will only add to my yoga experience... esp since during several poses my face is mere inches from my vagina opening!

Truth Serum

Nothing beats a happy hour with a group of friends followed by a concert and more beer except the stories that the vicious truth serum known as alcohol illicit!
While consuming copious amounts of my favorite beverage with friends we discuss everything from giving ugly people oral sex to the most embarrassing moments of our lives. Lucky for us older peeps those years are FAR behind us!!
I wanted to share my two favorite stories from yesterday, obviously with holding the names of participants to secure their anonymity... that is until YOU join us for happy hour!
The first story involved a friend of mine who was in a relationship in college. Due to the fact that winter break was approaching and she would be separated from her boyfriend for about a month and half she decided to "give him something to remember her." This gift came in the form of a blow job. While in his dorm room waiting for his parents to arrive from out of state(and we all know how the feeling of pressure can add to these moments) she was giving it her all... so to speak. Picture lots of spit, hand and mouth action and we are gonna include possibly having an item of her clothing removed for good measure! Well as the act was coming to a head without warning his bedroom door slams open and his dad appeared in the threshold! Quickly my friend backed or crawled away from boyfriend and tried to act natural as he zipped up his fly and yelled at his dad for not knocking. The seconds turned into minutes and while trying to escape the situation she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She focused on her bright red lips and wet chin. Her stare into the mirror was broken by her boyfriend introducing her to his father. The father, being polite extended his right hand to shake hers which is when she realized that her right hand was completely saturated in spit. She quickly pulled back her right hand and gave him her left hand making this worlds most awkward handshake/moment of her life... SO FAR!! LOL
The runner up story was about another couple in college. Similar situation, boy is moving back out of state, girl is devastated and helping him back up his belongings. Almost everything is packed when his mother arrived except his bed. His mother, trying to be helpful made her way to the bed and began to remove the blanket/sheets etc... That is was when my friend came to the horrifying realization that the amazing going away sex they had the night before had left a huge period blood stain on his sheets!! She grabbed his hand as her eyes bulged out of her head and simulated the crime scene his mother was about to uncover! Running from the doorway he lunged into the air landing on the bed and ripping all blankets into the center!! Like he was gonna wash those sheets when he got home?! LOL

GyneCLOTogist

Yearly visits to the gyno come so quickly and some how I did not plan accordingly this year. Being in the "no pubic hair" club I have to time my shavings of that area to correspond with my appointments to avoid being either a stubbly mess or covered in razor bumps. Well I failed miserably. I timed my shavings too close together, causing me to not only have razor bumps but to actually shave the heads off of the razor bumps causing little bloody volcanoes to appear all over my vagina. H-O-T Now because I wear a thong to work I was actually tempted to stick little pieces of toilet paper to the bloody volcanoes to avoid bleeding all over my suit but thought how 80s.. so instead when I finished blow drying my hair I just blow dried my vagina, which dried all the blood into little black crusty mounds.

I worked a full day before heading to the appointment. When I got to the appointment I sat in the waiting room with the general rule of having two empty chairs between me and the other woman waiting. After a few minutes of her staring at me, I looked at her and smiled. She told me how much she loved my hair (which is a total faux hawk) and then decided to tell me that she was here for a bleeding issue?! She told me how she had passed a clot the size of a softball, which she demonstrated with her hands, and that when it hit the ground it didn't break it just jiggled. PUKE... I kept a straight face and nodded understandingly all the while thinking is that whats in the plastic bag on the floor near my shoe?

Finally I was called in. I was left in a room to change into the customary paper vest (opening in front) and a paper "wrap" which just fucking rips off the second you sit on the table. I immediately became stressed because all I could think about was 1. the fact that I had not washed my filthy, black blood crusted vagina since this morning and 2. A friend of mine who is a gynecologist in Canada had told me that the worst smell while doing an exam is dirty feet. Sooo what do I do?? I get up and begin smelling my sweaty socks as the nurse walks in! Excellent... I didn't even try to explain what I was doing, her facial expression spoke volumes. I dropped the socks and hopped up on the table ripping my "wrap" exposing my bum and tried to "act natural" as I noticed my crack whore toe nail polish to add insult to injury. After the vitals she bolted, probably to tell the other ladies about the kooky bitch smelling her socks with chipped nail polish. I killed the next few minutes by taking pictures of the beautiful table and lighting fixture to take my mind off the ice cold speculum that would soon be inside my body cavity.

My exam was quick (best Dr. ever) and I entertained her with the story about getting caught smelling my socks by the nurse. At the end of my appointment I asked the Dr. about my recent weight gain and she responded by asking me if I had discharge from my nipples? Ummm do those things usually go hand and hand? I mean I have never been so full that fat/grizzle has started oozing out of my nipples.. that I know of anyway? Feel free to weigh in on that issue...
Until next year!!

Last But Not Least...

The last two stories I am going to share from our vacation come from Rhodes, Greece. We went on a walking tour (even though someone was in a hovaround and several people had canes?) of Lindos, ancient ruins. And as if the ruins weren't captivating enough we had "hatchet face" from the movie Cry Baby on our tour as well. (Who knew she was gay?)

The day started with an hour long bus ride with people hacking mucus into tissues(tuberculosis was alive and well in Greece?)and me stressing about getting lice from the filthy head rest on the bus. The stress obviously subsided because when Renee woke me up we had arrived at the ruins.

The tour began with hike up 292 stairs, while our tour guide tells us that it hadn't rained here since May but should any day now and how treacherous the marble can become if it gets wet. Note none of the stairs (which are on the side of a cliff) have railings. Halfway up the cliff are men with donkeys so if your gout has acted up you can hitch a ride the rest of the way. We continued walking and listening to our guide drone on about rocks and the Greek language "hippo-hippopotamus/ hippodrome" etc... until finally we broke free and reached the top. Breath taking views and a man videotaping in our direction? I tell Renee to watch out so she walks to the left/right no... silly he was videotaping her? Is that customary in Europe? LOL spooky...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better as we clutched each others hands descended the treacherous "steps" we observed a couple from Spain who were so concerned that it was going to rain?? that they risked life and limb to put on clear parkas while descending the railing less cliff side stairs??? WTF??? It was so ridiculous that a Greek woman selling rugs on the way down said in broken English "No rain Madame" LOL So of course I made Renee pose with her! *See pic*

After we made it down the cliff we began our trek back to the bus only to spot the most beautiful part of Rhodes!! A woman, in a see thru wet moo moo, tucked under her mommy bags, wearing a thong bikini with a small child headed towards the ruins?! Talk about chaffing and child abuse... Jesus Christ *see picture*

The day was complete as we sipped Mythos Beers and exchanged stories with a couple who are the "dirty south" clones of us!! LOL CHEERS!!!!!

Week Re-Wind (1)

Early in the week we were off to sight see (which means raped/pillaged in Turkish) we head to all the "hot spots" that Turkey had to offer. Renee, my tour guide/organizer/girlfriend, had an itinerary for us to follow, which of course included hitting EVERY bathroom in Istanbul.
My personal favorite was the bathroom where we paid fifty cents for A piece of toilet paper and descended into I guess the actual sewage pipes of olden day Turkey? There was a line, it was dark/damp/stunk and we were the only Americans waiting to use this particular bathroom (wish I had a scarf to protect my face!), which should have been our first clue. Once it was my turn I opened my stall and discovered that someone must have stolen my fucking toilet because there was just a hole in the ground with ceramic (I presume the missing toilet's base) around it? While figuring out how to pee, everyone else's pee on the floor was sopped up by the bottom of my jeans. I pulled a muscle as I squatted over the "toilet" and of course bracing myself on the filthy walls ruined my ONE SHEET of toilet paper...I could hear Renee laughing from outside the door as I said my first Islamic prayer..or at least all Islamic! LOL
We were cut in line and collected foot diseases at the blue mosque, totally in awe of the cistern and thirsty as all hell when we arrived for actual belly dancers at dinner.
The only thing that topped our site seeing adventure was collecting our luggage to board our cruise ship and as we stood chatting with strangers I realized that one of our bags was vibrating? I thought that's weird I thought our phones were in Renee's purse... then it hits me that ITS OUR FUCKING VIBRATOR INSIDE THE BAG!!!!! LOL!!!! I was laughing so hard as I tried to nonchalantly turn off the vibrator while Renee tried to distract our audience!!!!! This shit only happens to us! And thank god I packed extra batteries!!!
To be continued...

Lets talk Turkey

This vacation/mission in life begin with several horrific experiences at JFK airport.
We hop on the air train to get to our gate only to find that our terminal was closed so we had to hike three miles, outside with 5 bags to get to the bag check line.

After checking our bags I raced to the bathroom (last time at JFK I had to pee outside). Waited in line and as I hoovered over the pot.. I heard the quick pace of footsteps and a snip it of a quick coversation followed by my door jiggling from the stall door next to it being slammed?. Whats going on.. I heard the person start peeing and then a break.. followed by a huge heave and chunks splashing into the water. Okay I am outta here. I flush, exit and make the stupid mistake of looking at
"that stall" in the mirror only to see the woman in there bent over puking her brains out with her pants down to her ankles and her bare ass smashed into the cold hard steel of the stall wall!! OMG!!!!

Once on the smallest flight ever to cross the Atlantic we were totally surrounded by Kooks? The man in front of us was obese, we would have it no other way, and when he reached up into the overhead compartment revealing his cheese covered underbelly the smell that escaped caused Renee and I to dry heave. And he constantly "needed" something/anything out of that goddamn compartment! Have a seat tubby your making us sick.

Oh speaking of sick... who the fuck gets explosive diaherrea on a plane?? ME thats who.. violent shit (bats out of a cave) on a flight, in a bathroom 2x3 feet with a mirror so that I can watch my own horrific expressions. I start thinking it can't get any worse than this it did... when the shit flew out of my ass it didnt totally make it into the toilet but actually smeared on the toiolet seat and as luck would have it onto my WHITE T-SHIT.. I mean shirt! At least we didnt have to smell fat ass anymore, we would only be smelling MY ASS. If I wasn't in a totally foreign country I might have been embarrassed but at this point (3hrs into a 10hr flight) I could care less.

Shit stained and sick I crawl back to my seat and explain the doody on my shirt to my girlfriend who gives me the most troubled look. I then take a dose of meds to knock myself out which would have been great if the asshole two rows over didnt have his music so fucking loud... I swear to christ I felt like I was at a rave! I was already sweating and feeling sick all I needed was a bottle of water and glow sticks!

Turkey welcomed us with two twin beds, instead of a king, and bathroom from hell. While Renee went down to the lobby to find out what was up with the beds I went to the bathroom only to be surprised by attempting to flush and getting splashed in the bum by the bidah. WHOOO HOOO...
Renee returned, hotel is packed so we were off to our rectory quarters...I passed out at 3pm Turkey time and woke up at 9am Turkey time... All I need is some Turkish beer and this train wreck has arrived!!!!

Lesson Learned

After a week of training I can feel the "knowledge" and I am not talking blow jobs people.
First lesson learned... if at all possible use the men's lavatory over the women's. Three days consecutively there was a used tampon wrapper resting ever so gingerly ON THE TOILET PAPER ROLL in the ladies room.. now maybe its just me.. but I'll drip dry before I touch someone else's used fucking wrapper.
When I thought it couldn't get any better the third day... there was a blood clot adhered to the wall in said bathroom.. minus wrapper. Really? Blood clots? And this thing had some substance to it because it wasn't dripping down the wall or smeared it was a solid coagulated clot (black center), vagina height stuck on the wall. I wonder if she was just clearing the path for the tampon or perhaps it got on her finger? Stumped by the clot I took a picture and showed the boys sitting around me. All of whom dry heaved and said we were sick bitches. Then of course we played the "how much for you to swallow it down, dark center and all" game.

On the fourth day of training. If you have pubic hair mutton chops on your face and your a female (not a hasidic Jew) neaten that shit up!! Ladies, those things might as well serve as handles during sexual acts. And DO NOT try and comb them flat against your face? Just stop with the rogain and wax. But thank you for the hours of convo about what we would do with them *wink*

If you go out for beers and end up at a pub that is having a fund raiser and you think the waitress is next to you so you go to hand her money for the next round and quickly realize to your dismay that its someone "collecting for the cause" don't hesitate or try and take the money back... it looks terrible.

Last lesson of the week.. tell your hairdresser that your trying to grow out part of your hair BEFORE SHE CUTS IT OFF!!

Alcohol Myths

After a night like last night I would just like to go over a few of the myths that I found about alcohol consumption because who the fuck would believe this shit??
1. Alcohol is a stimulant.
The myth obviously was made up by someone who never passed the fuck out in a car, bus, field, with someone ugly or on the bathroom floor using a towel for a pillow. Alcohol KNOCKS YOU THE FUCK OUT... and if it doesn't then your doing something WRONG!
2. Coffee, exercise or a cold shower will sober you up.
Unless your running to the bathroom for exercise and don't make it so you puke yellow bile (aka "coffee") all over yourself and then get in a cold shower to rinse off the chunks I don't see how any of these things have ever been considered as anticdotes to a hard night out? P.s. I have smelled someone actually sweating out alcohol..but thats a story for another time!
3. Alcohol is an aphrodisiac.
This is NOT A MYTH... you will become horny after drinking copious amounts of alcohol and ANYONE WILL APPEAR ATTRACTIVE... LOL That should be printed on the bottle cause who gives a fuck about calories?!
4. Coating your stomach with milk will slow absorbtion of alcohol.
Milk will slow the absorbtion of alcohol because if you ingest it while drunk YOU WILL BE VOMITING VIOLENTLY therefore no alcohol will be left in you dehydrated wreck of a body.
5. You will get drunk a lot quicker from hard alcohol then beer.
REALITY you will get drunk A LOT CHEAPER from beer then hard aclohol.

To all of you through the years (mostly my youth) that I have drunk dialed and or texted/sexed I hope it was as good for you as it was for me!!!!!

Hide and Seek

We play a lot of tricks on each other at work to keep things interesting and fun. However, recently I decided to take the games to a new level by including a friend of mine who happens to be a social worker.
If you could imagine, I came across several pornographic images from the 1930's. The images were surprisingly vivid and aesthetically pleasing LOL so I decided to discreetly place several of the graphic photos in my friend's office (under paper work, printers etc), lunch bag, purse and work bag.
My co-workers and I quietly waited for her to find the pictures... but nothing happened. A day passed and nothing?
She goes on vacation for a week and all the while I am expecting a phone call telling me she found them and we don't hear a peep. While she is out of the office she has another social worker fill in for her, use her desk, office etc...
So when she came back from her vacation I couldn't take it any longer and finally asked her soo did you find anything interesting in your lunch?
She was like oh my god it was you!! She said that the week before her vacation she was at the main office when she reached into her bag to retrieve something and a filthy picture fell on the floor near other social workers. She tried to pick it up like it was nothing and then snuck a peek at the filthiness but had no idea where it had come from?!
After sharing that laugh I asked what she thought about all the other pictures and she was like what other pictures? I was like all the nasty pictures I hid in your office silly? She was like I DIDN'T FIND ANY OTHER PICTURES! Now I really couldn't control myself because the girl who had been using her office while she was on vacation had reorganized her paperwork and must have found 5 filthy fucking photos!! She was like I knew she was looking at me weird!!!! LOL You fucking slut!!!!

Dehumidifier

I wake up to a note that has a couple of "to-dos" on it.. no big whoop?!
The to do things seemed simple enough. I started with the smallest and worked my way up. The last thing I had to do before my girlfriend got home from work was to take the old dehumidifier out of the basement and put it in the dumpster.
So I go into the basement to retrieve the dehumidifier and it looks small enough? How heavy could this thing be? I looked down at my flip flops and thought, these will probably work. But as I stared at the small square metal box I don't see any handles to pick it up so I was forced to grip the smooth sides of it as best I could and heave it into the air. The fucking thing weighs a metric ton and as I scoot towards the stairs it begins sliding out of my hands. I try to pick up the pace before I loose my grip and of course while climbing the stairs I trip ripping the toe thingy right off my fucking flip flop.
By the time I reach my kitchen, I am wearing my left flip flop like a fucking anklet and sweating, which is not helping me grip this thing. I take another break before dashing towards the door as the dehumidifier again slips through my fingers/palms towards the floor.
I open the front door and look for any neighbors because I am not wearing a bra, I have sweat tracks on my tank top and refuse to take the busted shoe off but know how ridiculous I must look. Coast is clear...
I open the door and shimmy out onto the piping hot concrete. I bolt across the grass and barely make it to the steaming hot asphalt!!!!
Like clock work my neighbor pops out of the woods with her little dog just in time to see my one shoe'd body collapse on top of the "widow maker" as it begins to roll across the pavement. THIS FUCKING THING HAS WHEELS??
The neighbor of course waves and wants to have a talk as I make my way toward the dumpster.
I take a small break to discuss with this fool why my shoe is broken and her telling me how simple flip flops are to fix?
As this dumb bitch continues to drone on about fixing my $2 shoe I notice little grey handles underneath the lip of this fucking monster... HANDLES!!!! UGH>>>
The fury rises as I snatch up the beast and launch it into the dumpster before ripping my flip flops off completely and shoving them in right beside the dehumidifier. I looked at my neighbor and shrugged jiggling my sweaty lady berries in her face.... and say "How's that for simple fix"

No Sleep Till....

Brooklyn!
We crammed into a car coated in dog hair and broken finger nails on Monday night to "run a train" to NY.
We stopped at a liquor store to grab forty's for the ride and met a fellow customer, who took my advice and grabbed a forty of Miller High Life and case of Budweiser cans. He followed us to the register, we could hear him in his strappy "mandals" approaching from behind he slapped the case of beer against my friends chest and said "here take that out to the car. I just had a hernia operation." WTF???
Nothing that quick pull from the champagne of beers can't handle. We boarded the train with fellow patrons including a couple of prostitutes and a terrified couple.
To occupy our time on the train we grossed each other out the most fucked up videos we could find on youtube... We lost... I threw up in my mouth when I was forced to watch a snip it of bestiality. PUKE Mr. Ed you sick bastard!!!!
Cheap metro cards and Asian midgets make a subway ride complete. Into the best Mexican eatery EVER! More beers and all of sudden Our Lady of Guadalupe looked like the Virgin Mary in a technicolor dream coat? Did someone sneak me some acid or is that Lady that magical?
Out the door in the pouring rain, as water climbed up my jeans I noticed that along with being wet, cigarette butts were collecting in the cuff of my jeans... thank goodness cause I could use a drag!
I guess after copious amounts of alcohol some moron would think jumping a subway turn style for a $1.50 ride was worth while... glad I had nothing to do with that!
(problem uploading pics...will add later!)

Disfigured

We all do stupid shit when we are running late for work. Leave the coffee pot on, wear one black sock one blue sock etc... Just last week I wore a pair of new pants and had a tag and buttons attached to my ass for about half of my work day, until someone finally grabbed it and pulled it off saying "I don't think you want this on."
But this next story...ugh..
My buddy Nick was running late for work...really late.. and realizing that he had less than one minute to make it inside before he would be docked as "late" he quickly parked his car, jumped out, ran across the lot and went to jump over the metal guardrail..that's when it happened. He realized mid-air that he had misjudged something and was now falling face first into the concrete. Maybe it was the tip of his shoe that got caught on the guardrail? Maybe he prematurely left the ground but whatever it was he was going down face first unless his hands could break the fall. I should also point out that it was about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and bright as a motherfucker outside. It wasn't slippery or icy or sandy and I don't think he was drunk? :)
So leaving the rest of the fall to your imagination lets flash back to me.
The day Nick fell, I was in a training class surrounded by the driest people EVER. I swear to Christ they were giving me cotton mouth just sitting that close to me!! As I sat there quietly listening to the instructor I feel my cell phone vibrate. I sneak the phone out under the table and flip it open. It was then that I saw the image texted from Nick. As I felt the chunks rise in my throat and my eyes bulge out, I fought the urge to scream... WTF?! I was in class.. trapped! I quickly shut the phone and tried to put the putrid images I had just seen out of my head as the phone vibrated again, only to display an image worse then the first.. if that was even fucking possible... I began to dry heave at my seat and had to excuse myself and go into the hallway. Once out in the hallway the vibration started again.. Begging for mercy but playing with fire, I opened the phone to see the last of the rotten text messages of the aftermath... PUKE!!! (Actual text images attached!)
Thank god he's not a lesbian!!!!! LOL

McGyver Tampon

A woman was talking to a friend about possibly having sex but not being certain. She claimed that she was completely smashed and couldn't remember?! Which usually means that he was pretty good! LOL
But that wasn't the crazy part... the crazy part was when she said and I quote "But we must of had sex because when I woke up in the morning my McGyver Tampon was completely jammed into the back of my vagina!" Ok... couldn't resist had to ask... Ummm what the fuck is a McGyver Tampon... "you know when you get your period but don't have a tampon so you roll up some toilet paper and shove it inside your pussy" WHOA...... Um... I can think of 1,000 things I would rather do.. maybe put the toilet paper on my underpants until I can get a tampon, ask another ANY OTHER woman if she had one she could spare, dig 50 cents out of my pocket and put it in that crazy white box that says it holds tampons or pads or worst case scenario I would just fucking bleed out.
Thanks D.R. the original McGyver Tampon user! LOL

Open Road

With vacation winding down, Renee and I were psyched for dinner and drinks with our good friends! We waited outside for two hours , enjoying cocktails on the patio with empty stomachs. By the time the toothless hostess came to get us I was pretty buzzed. I followed “gums” into the restaurant believing that my friends were with me, not realizing that they had stopped for a cigarette and Renee was chatting. I was now alone in a dark hallway with the sea hag who then stopped abruptly and turned to me saying “you got a hooker?” I turned to look at Renee and found that I was alone with the woman and simply said “excuse me?” And she said “You got a hooker!” that was when I realized that the Jack Daniels in my hand was called a “local hooker” by the restaurant and this wench was referring to my drink…LOL Yeah, I said I got two actually! The night continued like this with great stories and sick memories…
But like all vaca’s this one had to end… Our trip home from Cape Cod began around noon and was as interesting as it was back breaking. It started with me screaming and pulling off the dreaded RT 6 because a beetle had flown into the car and had adhered itself to my leg! After Renee finished laughing and saying it flew out of the car the ride home continued. The usual four hour trip took us six hours and included a section of "scenic" highway that we were forced to crawl through at about three miles per hour. Now I know Massachusetts is different but I am not sure when trailer parks, motels and camping grounds became “scenic highways.” As we inched along we realized that as we were watching all the weirdos in their natural habitat they were watching us. A small group of overweight men were perched in lawn chairs on top of a rusty old tractor trailer truck on the side of the highway drinking beers wearing nothing but black socks and sandals.
I refused to stop and use the bathroom anywhere near this section of road because, quite frankly I didn’t want to get pregnant, killed or forced into a cult but I had to pee really bad. As miles passed I and the trailer parks drifted into the distance I spotted a Starbucks on the horizon. Traffic crept along until I was finally able to make the sharp turn into the driveway. Once on the driveway I couldn’t believe that we were staring at a crack whore in a pink bra and shorts waving to us? Further to our dismay she was approaching our vehicle. With our mouths wide open we were actually propositioned by what appeared to be a prostitute?! She begged us to pull over so she could wash our car and when I politely declined she offered to wash our bicycles and give us free hot dogs. Now as appetizing as that sounded we had to pass but not without a photo!! I even asked the whore to pose...see picture! (I think she’s done this before?)
After filling up on coffee and tuna sandwiches we were back on the open road…momentarily, until I heard a faint rumbling in Renee's stomach. She looked chalky and pale like an albino with a tan and quickly told me to get to a bathroom! I did 90 to the closest rest stop where boy scouts were giving away free coffee and "treats." She exited the car and hobbled to the door of the building with me chasing her... I heard her say "fuck no!" as I read the sign on the door to the bathrooms "BUILDING CLOSED. NO WATER" Renee was forced into a fucking portapotty with a stomach ache. When she finally climbed back into the car she motherfucked the boy scouts and wanted to know “exactly how are they making coffee when there is no fucking water!” Poor girl had an episode in every state we drove through…damn tuna! It didn’t help that we veered off the beaten path to pass traffic and ended up in the middle of a fucking bike race?! (see 2nd picture) Who the hell does that happen to, besides us!

Cape Cod

Four hours in the car with a sleeping co-pilot who wakes up only occasionally for bathroom breaks or to shout out letters may seem like a long time but with my Sirius radio set to Alt-nation it flew by.
We were the first to arrive at our house in Orleans, Cape Cod only to find the foreign house keeper, sleeping on the couch hungover in front of the t.v.? When she saw us staring at her she popped up and started dusting?! Really... She packed up her "cleaning" supplies and wished us a happy vaca in her deep Russian accent. So we know the house wasn't really clean but when I found pieces of what I believe to be housekeeper's vomit in the upstairs bathroom I nearly puked myself.
Next on the agenda divvy up the bedrooms.
My sister's family was forced to the upstairs bedrooms because of the bunk beds and little ones. My father, opted out of the family vaca, so my mom was flying solo and she chose the room with a twin bed. Renee and I got a "full" bed.
Now, I love my girlfriend but we usually sleep in a king size bed and aside from our legs being intertwined we don't touch while we sleep. That is for a number of reasons, 1. she is an inferno causing me to sweat (more then usual), 2. Citu our chocolate lab separates us and 3. because when I drink too much I snore and my mouth is wide open and she doesn't want to look at that? Weird...So being forced into a full bed was like a dream come true. Literally face to face in a bed that's mattress folds outward so you constantly feel like your falling out of the bed... forcing you to clutch onto significant other for stability. The situation only improved when after a windy day at the beach I opened my book while laying in bed and 4lbs of sand poured out of the book and onto my stomach and sheets. Fuck... now I get to sleep on a paper thin, bent mattress covered in sand with sun burned knees/blisters and the girl of my dreams breathing hot breath in my face with a wet braid?.
Vaca continued with a trek to Provincetown with my girlfriend and my straight family members. Every summer we usually end up in Ptown during bear week, which is a little unfortunate for my bro-in law but this year he was spared. It was family week...but after biking 9 miles to the beach on our bicycles he told Renee and I his ass hurt so much he felt like he had spent time at bear week!! LOL
Ptown was overcrowded per usual but that didn't stop us from bellying up to an outdoor patio for some drinks and people watching. Visual stimulation included a drunk woman (at 3pm) stumbling out of her crocs, leaving her socks on and then walking onto the sandy beach? Hmmm...socks... in the summer... on the beach?
My nephew added something special when he declared that he had to go to the bathroom. He and my bro-in law disappeared into the bathroom as I waited my turn at the bar. Minutes later my bro-in law exited the tiny bathroom (no windows/vent) sweating profusely and asking the bar tender for toilet paper?! LOL He then disappeared back into the bathroom... after several minutes both boys exited the bathroom and I decided to pass on my turn. My bro-in law, sweating said "Jesus that place was so small that no matter where I stood I kept turning on the automatic hand dryer turning the shitter into a sauna!" My nephew said that people littered a lot in the bathroom. I bet he dropped some items too!!!!! LOL

Vermont 2

Chapter 2
While visiting the lush green mountain state a friend's band was playing and we were lucky enough to get on the guest list ( http://hestaprynn.com/ ). We decided to grab dinner and drinks in the downtown section at a quaint Irish pub before dancing our faces off.
All the car bombs in the world could not have prepared me for some of the images that were burned into my mind from Church St. Most people don't sweat in 68 degree weather but I guess when your tits have their own zip code you’re an exception. Lucky for us with the dog tied to our table it kept the sweaty masses far enough away so that we were only forced to visually enjoy their glistening bodies without actually having to smell them.
My personal favorite was an overweight, tattooed man, topless of course, pushing a bicycle (ironic he wasn't actually riding it?). His chest piece depicted a family of gorillas in the jungle including banana's on his miniature arms and leaves accenting his baloney nipples. When I thought it couldn't get any better he turned to talk to his female companion "Greta" and we were instantly taken away by the desert scene tattooed on his back. Complete with a pride of lions and the little jungle boy? WTF?? Renee started begging me to go get my phone out of the car for a snapshot of this travesty but we couldn't remember where the fuck we parked?! So needless to say this endangered beast of a man escaped without being caught on film.
Off to the show after forcing "wu-tang" to track us back to our car!
Once inside the venue we thought we were safe only to come face to face with the best dancers EVER.. Do you remember the movie flash dance? OMG I wanted autographs... My older sister would have felt right at home with all the high knee dancing from 1983! It was only completed by the light show created by the numerous glow sticks being whipped around overhead. Renee and I did our best to keep up (we are pretty old) I bumped into a woman, I think?!, who had the worst wig I have ever seen. It started mid forehead and then erupted into full on, unwashed, unbrushed, dread locked/snarled mess. We were obsessed with her... how did it stay on? She was jamming out and the wig never moved?! Her mother or caretaker was seated directly behind her and would occasionally give her dancing tips.
Finally, Renee pointed out an empty chair so I could rest my poor 31yr old ass. I was psyched that the chair was empty because the venue was packed, but as soon as I sat down I understood why. The chair was directly in front of a special needs person, who proceeded to boo to the beat and spill fruit punch and spit on my arms. We quickly re-treated to the area on the opposite side of the bar where we watched one of the only heterosexual couples suck face for the last two songs and it made me want pink laffy taffy?!
I will leave you with the image of Renee and I stumbling home and attempting to climb into the bed and then seeing that it was fucking crawling with pincher bugs? I guess pincher bugs are better than crabs in a bed right! Vermont….. you disgust me and I love it!!!!

Vermont

Chapter 1
Long car rides always begin with ridiculous games including my personal favorite 10,000 dollar pyramid. For this game you use one word descriptors to describe the most hideous people you know! If used properly can provide hours of entertainment…
The rest stop had 100 stalls but of course only two were unoccupied and/or working. Renee stole the first and only clean one and I was forced to use the only one left.
I locked myself into the stall that we will call “the widow maker” and glanced into the toilet. The bowl was full of nasty brownish/green water with little flakes of shit pieces floating in it. With no recourse, I gave it a flush and tried to shield my face from the splashing excrement coming out of the bowl, only to have the bowl re-fill with more of this contaminated water and fecal debris.
I turned away from the bowl as if not looking at the rancid water would make using this toilet any less horrific.
I barely escaped the stall as Renee asked me if I had read about the toilet water and went on to explain how it is reused waste water with a green dye added so you know not to drink it?!
Are you fucking kidding me Vermont?? Are we that "green" that we need to strain out pieces of crap in toilet water and re-use it? And then add a dye to it so you know not to drink it?? Who the fuck drinks out of toilets... AT REST STOPS???
As our luck goes... Wu-Tang cuts his foot had to get four stitches putting him out of commission. We get to our hotel to drop off our bag and Wu-tangs leather leashes, muzzles and electric collar... As we are leaving the room I feel a stare and turn to make eye contact with the house keeper who appeared completely perplexed and disgusted that two adult woman were sharing a room with only a king bed?! I couldn’t resist…I licked my lips gave her a quick wink and mouthed the words "oh yeah" as Renee closed the door completely unaware of my antics.
I couldn't help but chuckle as we walked to the car thinking how that woman is really going to think we are freaks when she sees all that leather apparatus and electric shock collar. NOTE SHE DID NOT SEE THE DOG!!
To be continued...

Fecophiliac

For months and months I had the same routine...wash my face and then dry it on the towel hanging in bathroom from Renee's shower. I also would wipe my mouth on said towel after brushing my teeth.
I was always getting cold sores, sinus infections and hives and just thought that I was one of those people prone to getting sick... Not like hypochondriac person I mean like visual sores that you could see and tasted like blood on my face. I know sounds H-O-T HOT!
Well one morning well doing my morning routine... Renee happened to wonder into the bathroom as I wiped my face on the towel. Her jaw dropped and her eyes bulged out of her head. She said "do you always do that?" I was like "do what? Use your towel? Yeah.." She started laughing and screaming at me that after she uses the towel she wipes down the entire bathroom INCLUDING THE TOILET (seat/under seat) with her towel before hanging it to dry.
My mouth instantly went dry and all the pieces fell into place. I wasn't a sickly person I was slowly being poisoned by my own fecal matter that I was routinely smearing on my face and mouth before starting my day!?
Now who wants to make out... I should add that since this revelation I haven't had any said "outbreaks"!! Thanks lover...

ShiTasTic

After starting my diet balls to the wall Saturday I had only been eating bran, protein shakes, fruit and veggies so when I got to work Monday morning with some stomach pains and gas I thought nothing of it.
Around 9am the pains intensified to the point that I was sneaking off to the less used bathroom to pee in case a fart snuck out.
By 11am I had undone my belt at my desk and stopped chatting with co-workers in order to concentrate on not shitting at work...the ultimate no, no for women.
At 1pm I barely made it to the 1st stall in the most used bathroom right outside my office. I was hunched over with my pants to my ankles in a full sweat. I was trying desperately not to shit at work but the pains were so intense! I started getting that weird shiver thing that makes you contort like you have a tick and realizing the end was near I took a huge amount of toilet paper and covered my asshole to muffle the noise!!
It was too late!! My clammy hands were gripping my naked thighs, sweat dripping in my eyes as the shit violently shot out of my ass. I heard the door open to the main hallway and someone come in the bathroom as more gas seeped out like a balloon letting out air followed by the undeniable splatter of diarrhea in the toilet... The footsteps stopped dead and then the same high heeled footsteps double timed it out of the bathroom... I yelled out "sorry" but I doubt she could hear me over the sonic booms!!
I started rocking back and forth trying to work the gas out of my stomach but all it did was cause more velocity to build and turn my asshole into a salad shooter minus the salad.
After a good 1/2 hour of non stop diarrhea I had the mission of trying to wipe up the mess the best I could when your shit is the consistency of warm tar and the toilet paper is like sandpaper. Three rolls of toilet paper later I emerged from the bathroom... pale and unsteady...
I found my boss and barely got the words out as I left an hour early. The 20 minute ride home was done in 1/2 the time because I knew the amount of damage that would be caused if I shit my pants with only a thong on... it would be like flossing or diverting the major chunks while my pants slowly filled with shit.
Made it home and sprinted with my pants undone from my car to the front door... which was locked... at this point every part of my body was sweating (I felt like those girls in horror movies trying to get the keys in the lock before they get murdered) I had nervous keys and was shaking trying to unlock the door...alls well that ends well.. and on a positive note I think I lost five pounds!!

Bush Wacker

Last summer my girlfriend and I bought the bikini wax that was recommended from a friend and veteran waxer. We opened the package, which had NO WARNINGS, heated it up in the microwave and stirred it with the miniature paint stirrer that came with it.
The wax looked creamy and soft. It was not smoking or bubbling and showed no sign of the fact that it was now 1,000 degrees. As Renee splattered the piping hot concoction on my vagina my eyes bulged as I realized that I had made a terrible decision. The scorching hot wax not only burned my vulva, it dried instantly and I could almost smell chicken cooking as my vagina sizzled. Of course I had told Renee to start with the most tender area of my vagina... the part nearest the opening. As she ripped off the wax, hair, skin and part of my labia I quietly begged for a piece of leather to bare down on. I refused to cry out in pain so as not to scare Renee because I wanted to wax her.
As I stared at the piece of wax now laying on the floor covered in pubic hair, skin and labia I told Renee it would probably be best if we went every other one... like taking turns. She agreed and I quickly splattered the liquid acid on her vagina! She screamed and began to back away from me. I tried to grab for her hand but she was already bent forward covering herself with her hand. Unfortunately for her she had bent forward while the wax was still wet and she had now adhered her thigh/stomach skin to the quickly drying wax on her vagina. She was frantic screaming my name and begging me... which as sick as I am was slightly arousing. I explained that I now had to pull it off.
I grabbed onto the tiny corner of the hardened wax that had now attached her vagina to her legs and belly and pulled hard ripping out the hair and breaking off the wax. She did what anyone dating ME would do...got angry and quickly slapped more smoking hot wax on my vagina... this war continued until we were so burned and covered in wax that we could do nothing more then lay on our kitchen floor wearing nothing but t-shirts, tube socks and large sections of dry wax. We discussed ways of getting the wax off of our baby makers without having to pull it off.
I came up with the perfect solution. We should just shower with super hot water, thinking it would heat up the wax enough to release it form our engorged vaginas. It sounded like a good idea...right? As we burned ourselves in the shower it became obvious that the wax was basically cement... once hardened fucking forget it. I ended up shaving the majority of the wax off of both of our vaginas. 3 razor heads later we were free!
So why did I decide to do it again this summer? Who knows? But deciding to grow out my pubic hair weeks in advance was just plain CRAZY. After two weeks I didn't even recognize my vagina. All I needed was a plate in my lip or flies on my face and I would have been a shoe in to be on the cover of the National Geographic Magazine. Stay tuned for the dramatic outcome! P.s. masturbation is kinda weird these days... It’s like being with a different woman and Renee is coughing up hairballs!

Deuces WILD

From the sound of my girlfriends laughter on the phone today I new her story was going to be blog worthy.
Today she was training her dog outside drinking tons of water when she realized she had to pee. She packed up her stuff and drove to the nearest bathroom at a local police substation. There were no cars parked outside the substation but probation officers were in the lobby. She raced passed them and into the handicap woman's bathroom.
As she opened the door she observed a police gun belt a strewn on the floor. Her eyes then paned over to the toilet where she saw a male police officer with his pants/underpants down to his ankles, standing slightly hunched forward with toilet paper in his hand mid wipe of his ass after shitting. Their eyes met and locked like a deer in headlights as his mouth formed a perfect circle. The stare down lasted for 30 seconds enough for her to take in the "hole" scene.
I asked how the showdown ended and she said that she was able to break the stare, scream and run out to the probation officers, who were pissing their pants laughing. They said, "he's been in there forever!" After all was said and done she had two questions... 1. Why the hell is he dropping a deuce in the woman's room? 2. Who the fuck wipes standing up?

Ladies Room

My work bathroom is disgusting because I have experienced the following:
5. Walked in on someone vomiting with the stall door open. People bulimia is not the solution to weight loss because if your fat ass couldn’t get a date before imagine your chances with puke breath and rotten teeth.
4. Witnessing someone drop an open tampon on that filthy floor and say "whoops" and pick it up and use it. Ladies they are called "sanitary" for a reason and the floor in that bathroom is anything BUT sanitary. I haven't seen that hand at work so I wonder if she vanished after contracting the clap or some other hideous disease from the floor.
3. Pubic hairs scattered about on the toilet seat and/or floor. Public rest rooms ARE NOT the place for pubic hair maintenance. Esp. when I happen to be one of the lone soldiers who SITS on the toilet seat...and yes I have actually leaned down nice and close to the bowl to blow the stray pubic hairs off of the seat...thank god they didn’t stick to my chap stick!
2. Having someone excuse themselves when they fart in the bathroom stall. Umm it’s not only embarrassing for you but for everyone else in the bathroom.. just pretend it didn't happen, use the flush method or strengthen your anus to help contain unwanted noises.
1. And the number 1 thing that I experienced was being in the bathroom with a "secret shitter" and having someone turn off the lights. Me and the shitter alone in the pitch black followed by the shitter saying something along the lines of "how am I suppose to do this in the dark?" followed by the crispy crispy sound of the shit coming out of their asshole. PUKE
God bless the handicap bathrooms even if you occasionally make someone in a wheelchair wait.

Tia Maria (oldie but goodie)

It was a Saturday night in the winter of my youth when Dayna and I decided to steal booze from my dad's liquor cabinet. There were barely any bottles we hadn't swiped so we were left with the Tia Maria.
The bottle had been sticky at one point and was now covered in dust that was glued to the bottle. Dayna gave me an unsure look but I shrugged and began twisting the top... twist twist twist... pull? The cap had a f*cking cork attached and the lip of the bottle had congealed liquor all over it. I quickly shoved the cork back in and we split.
As Dayna drove into the sticks to pick up Kim I decided f*ck it, and popped the top of Tia Maria. The cap came off easy this time because the nasty pink stained cork had broken off and was now wedged into the neck of the bottle. Dayna was like great now what are we going to drink. At that moment I shoved the cork into the bottle. PLINK... the cork disintegrated immediately. We both were disgusted and I placed the filthy little bottle on the floor with the cap gingerly on top.
Once we arrived at Kim's house in the woods we could see her running at a full sprint towards the car and yelling "Open the door! Open the door" with her dad on her heels. I reached back and popped the rear door on the Jetta. She dove in and screamed "GO!!!" We were off leaving her father in the road with his fists up in the air. We never even asked what the f*ck was going on we just drove in silence through the pitch black woods. After a couple minutes, when Kim finally caught her breath she asked... "do we have anything to drink?" Dayna and I looked at each other and I smiled reaching for the disgusting bottle on the floor.
I passed it back without even looking at Kim. I heard her say in the darkness "this bottle is all sticky?" and Dayna and I just stared straight ahead. In the blackness I heard the swish of the liquid followed by a gag/cough as she said "oh my god! Something touched my lips!" I tried to act natural and said "it's just the cork." She was like "The cork? What is this stuff?" I told her "it's like a Jamaican Cherry Cordial" Dayna and I politely refused taking pulls from the bottle as we drove into civilization. At the first red light Kim popped her head between the two front seats chatting and when I turned and looked at her I could see that the nasty congealed liquor had stained her mouth/upper lip bright red. I was like "Jesus Kim" and she looked in the rear view mirror and said "what the f*ck is this sh*t Jamaican lipstick?"
Needless to say that bottle followed us for the rest of the night and into several hands...the last set of hands, which were urine soaked and belonged to my friend Eric, grabbed my face to say goodnight he had no clue he had pissed all over himself...ahhh Tia Maria you filthy whore!!

Ultra Violet Astronomy

U.V.A. is a band out of Brooklyn that we recently spent hours in traffic going to see. My girlfriend and I sat in the back of our friends family truckster where car seats usually are. I had dirty napkin pieces stuck to my hand and the Muppet "Animal" staring at my vagina. It felt like home.
No a/c in the car during a heat wave is much like making out with someone with a cleft pallet.. it just doesn't work. We were soaked with sweat and I think some guy pissed off an overpass into/onto the car because a warm vinegar liquid went in my mouth and coated the windshield.
The piss was nothing that Dixon Place and a little luke warm bourbon and PBR couldn't handle, it was the f*cking band that couldn't be dealt with. U.V.A. consists of two individuals one of which had terrible hair, skin tight black ankle hugger jeans and black pumps to boot! It was like 1984, and anyone who lived through the 80s knows its best to leave them..IN THE PAST! As I watched her dance completely off key I thought could anything be worse then this?? And then I overheard that the 6 month old baby behind me (yes in a bar/concert) was named "Kool" like the cigarettes.. Really people?
We bolted like a whore in church when it ended.. long ride home.. arrived at around 4am exhausted, but our night was not over. The stench of stomach acid and crap stung our faces as we came in the house. Our dog had sh*t 14 gallons of pea soup sh*t EVERYWHERE. I made the fateful mistake of attempting to clean up his crate with only the hall light on. I reached in and could feel the chunks rise as I grabbed his bed and felt the sh*t climb up past my wrists. Lucky I have short finger nails!

Adventures in Abortion-Sitting

This week was most interesting so I will try to squeeze in one of the stories to start this blog:
Week started with traveling to a hospital to pick up a fetus in a mason jar for DNA testing...don't ask. It was 100+ degrees so I can't put into words how excited I was to have to pick up rotting flesh and transport it. After parking illegally almost getting hit by a car and asked "what chu want?" by a security guard.. I quickly made it into the facility. I sat quietly in a room with a blue carpet that had huge blood stains. While I was reminding myself to throw out my shoes a women entered with a f*cking CLEAR MASON JAR with the "specimen" in it and tried to hand it to me.. Really. Hand it, no gloves.. raw? PUKE so I did what any responsible person would do.. I pointed to my co-worker that was with me! We left with a bling smile and wink from the security guard and climbed into an elevator from 1961. The doors closed with me, Wendy, fetus and unknown woman inside. And that was it the door was closed but we weren't moving...stuck in an elevator, in the heat, with a stranger and dead fetus. We began to panic and then I said "well, at least we have food" and stared at the fetus in the CLEAR mason jar. The unknown woman, who we will call "Concepcion" did not smile and avoided eye contact for the rest of our 2 minute adventure.
The ride back to the city was uneventful except that the rotten red fetus fluid leaked out of the jar and looked like Chinese spare ribs.. and Wendy exclaimed "oh god I think I saw an arm!" I told her before we even started driving that I was concerned about the transport because we did not have a car seat? Evil Smile... she shook her head. We dropped off our new buddy and I lopped off my hands at the wrists.