GyneCLOTogist

Yearly visits to the gyno come so quickly and some how I did not plan accordingly this year. Being in the "no pubic hair" club I have to time my shavings of that area to correspond with my appointments to avoid being either a stubbly mess or covered in razor bumps. Well I failed miserably. I timed my shavings too close together, causing me to not only have razor bumps but to actually shave the heads off of the razor bumps causing little bloody volcanoes to appear all over my vagina. H-O-T Now because I wear a thong to work I was actually tempted to stick little pieces of toilet paper to the bloody volcanoes to avoid bleeding all over my suit but thought how 80s.. so instead when I finished blow drying my hair I just blow dried my vagina, which dried all the blood into little black crusty mounds.

I worked a full day before heading to the appointment. When I got to the appointment I sat in the waiting room with the general rule of having two empty chairs between me and the other woman waiting. After a few minutes of her staring at me, I looked at her and smiled. She told me how much she loved my hair (which is a total faux hawk) and then decided to tell me that she was here for a bleeding issue?! She told me how she had passed a clot the size of a softball, which she demonstrated with her hands, and that when it hit the ground it didn't break it just jiggled. PUKE... I kept a straight face and nodded understandingly all the while thinking is that whats in the plastic bag on the floor near my shoe?

Finally I was called in. I was left in a room to change into the customary paper vest (opening in front) and a paper "wrap" which just fucking rips off the second you sit on the table. I immediately became stressed because all I could think about was 1. the fact that I had not washed my filthy, black blood crusted vagina since this morning and 2. A friend of mine who is a gynecologist in Canada had told me that the worst smell while doing an exam is dirty feet. Sooo what do I do?? I get up and begin smelling my sweaty socks as the nurse walks in! Excellent... I didn't even try to explain what I was doing, her facial expression spoke volumes. I dropped the socks and hopped up on the table ripping my "wrap" exposing my bum and tried to "act natural" as I noticed my crack whore toe nail polish to add insult to injury. After the vitals she bolted, probably to tell the other ladies about the kooky bitch smelling her socks with chipped nail polish. I killed the next few minutes by taking pictures of the beautiful table and lighting fixture to take my mind off the ice cold speculum that would soon be inside my body cavity.

My exam was quick (best Dr. ever) and I entertained her with the story about getting caught smelling my socks by the nurse. At the end of my appointment I asked the Dr. about my recent weight gain and she responded by asking me if I had discharge from my nipples? Ummm do those things usually go hand and hand? I mean I have never been so full that fat/grizzle has started oozing out of my nipples.. that I know of anyway? Feel free to weigh in on that issue...
Until next year!!