Alcohol Myths

After a night like last night I would just like to go over a few of the myths that I found about alcohol consumption because who the fuck would believe this shit??
1. Alcohol is a stimulant.
The myth obviously was made up by someone who never passed the fuck out in a car, bus, field, with someone ugly or on the bathroom floor using a towel for a pillow. Alcohol KNOCKS YOU THE FUCK OUT... and if it doesn't then your doing something WRONG!
2. Coffee, exercise or a cold shower will sober you up.
Unless your running to the bathroom for exercise and don't make it so you puke yellow bile (aka "coffee") all over yourself and then get in a cold shower to rinse off the chunks I don't see how any of these things have ever been considered as anticdotes to a hard night out? P.s. I have smelled someone actually sweating out alcohol..but thats a story for another time!
3. Alcohol is an aphrodisiac.
This is NOT A MYTH... you will become horny after drinking copious amounts of alcohol and ANYONE WILL APPEAR ATTRACTIVE... LOL That should be printed on the bottle cause who gives a fuck about calories?!
4. Coating your stomach with milk will slow absorbtion of alcohol.
Milk will slow the absorbtion of alcohol because if you ingest it while drunk YOU WILL BE VOMITING VIOLENTLY therefore no alcohol will be left in you dehydrated wreck of a body.
5. You will get drunk a lot quicker from hard alcohol then beer.
REALITY you will get drunk A LOT CHEAPER from beer then hard aclohol.

To all of you through the years (mostly my youth) that I have drunk dialed and or texted/sexed I hope it was as good for you as it was for me!!!!!