It was a Saturday night in the winter of my youth when Dayna and I decided to steal booze from my dad's liquor cabinet. There were barely any bottles we hadn't swiped so we were left with the Tia Maria.
The bottle had been sticky at one point and was now covered in dust that was glued to the bottle. Dayna gave me an unsure look but I shrugged and began twisting the top... twist twist twist... pull? The cap had a f*cking cork attached and the lip of the bottle had congealed liquor all over it. I quickly shoved the cork back in and we split.
As Dayna drove into the sticks to pick up Kim I decided f*ck it, and popped the top of Tia Maria. The cap came off easy this time because the nasty pink stained cork had broken off and was now wedged into the neck of the bottle. Dayna was like great now what are we going to drink. At that moment I shoved the cork into the bottle. PLINK... the cork disintegrated immediately. We both were disgusted and I placed the filthy little bottle on the floor with the cap gingerly on top.
Once we arrived at Kim's house in the woods we could see her running at a full sprint towards the car and yelling "Open the door! Open the door" with her dad on her heels. I reached back and popped the rear door on the Jetta. She dove in and screamed "GO!!!" We were off leaving her father in the road with his fists up in the air. We never even asked what the f*ck was going on we just drove in silence through the pitch black woods. After a couple minutes, when Kim finally caught her breath she asked... "do we have anything to drink?" Dayna and I looked at each other and I smiled reaching for the disgusting bottle on the floor.
I passed it back without even looking at Kim. I heard her say in the darkness "this bottle is all sticky?" and Dayna and I just stared straight ahead. In the blackness I heard the swish of the liquid followed by a gag/cough as she said "oh my god! Something touched my lips!" I tried to act natural and said "it's just the cork." She was like "The cork? What is this stuff?" I told her "it's like a Jamaican Cherry Cordial" Dayna and I politely refused taking pulls from the bottle as we drove into civilization. At the first red light Kim popped her head between the two front seats chatting and when I turned and looked at her I could see that the nasty congealed liquor had stained her mouth/upper lip bright red. I was like "Jesus Kim" and she looked in the rear view mirror and said "what the f*ck is this sh*t Jamaican lipstick?"
Needless to say that bottle followed us for the rest of the night and into several hands...the last set of hands, which were urine soaked and belonged to my friend Eric, grabbed my face to say goodnight he had no clue he had pissed all over himself...ahhh Tia Maria you filthy whore!!
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