Open Road

With vacation winding down, Renee and I were psyched for dinner and drinks with our good friends! We waited outside for two hours , enjoying cocktails on the patio with empty stomachs. By the time the toothless hostess came to get us I was pretty buzzed. I followed “gums” into the restaurant believing that my friends were with me, not realizing that they had stopped for a cigarette and Renee was chatting. I was now alone in a dark hallway with the sea hag who then stopped abruptly and turned to me saying “you got a hooker?” I turned to look at Renee and found that I was alone with the woman and simply said “excuse me?” And she said “You got a hooker!” that was when I realized that the Jack Daniels in my hand was called a “local hooker” by the restaurant and this wench was referring to my drink…LOL Yeah, I said I got two actually! The night continued like this with great stories and sick memories…
But like all vaca’s this one had to end… Our trip home from Cape Cod began around noon and was as interesting as it was back breaking. It started with me screaming and pulling off the dreaded RT 6 because a beetle had flown into the car and had adhered itself to my leg! After Renee finished laughing and saying it flew out of the car the ride home continued. The usual four hour trip took us six hours and included a section of "scenic" highway that we were forced to crawl through at about three miles per hour. Now I know Massachusetts is different but I am not sure when trailer parks, motels and camping grounds became “scenic highways.” As we inched along we realized that as we were watching all the weirdos in their natural habitat they were watching us. A small group of overweight men were perched in lawn chairs on top of a rusty old tractor trailer truck on the side of the highway drinking beers wearing nothing but black socks and sandals.
I refused to stop and use the bathroom anywhere near this section of road because, quite frankly I didn’t want to get pregnant, killed or forced into a cult but I had to pee really bad. As miles passed I and the trailer parks drifted into the distance I spotted a Starbucks on the horizon. Traffic crept along until I was finally able to make the sharp turn into the driveway. Once on the driveway I couldn’t believe that we were staring at a crack whore in a pink bra and shorts waving to us? Further to our dismay she was approaching our vehicle. With our mouths wide open we were actually propositioned by what appeared to be a prostitute?! She begged us to pull over so she could wash our car and when I politely declined she offered to wash our bicycles and give us free hot dogs. Now as appetizing as that sounded we had to pass but not without a photo!! I even asked the whore to pose...see picture! (I think she’s done this before?)
After filling up on coffee and tuna sandwiches we were back on the open road…momentarily, until I heard a faint rumbling in Renee's stomach. She looked chalky and pale like an albino with a tan and quickly told me to get to a bathroom! I did 90 to the closest rest stop where boy scouts were giving away free coffee and "treats." She exited the car and hobbled to the door of the building with me chasing her... I heard her say "fuck no!" as I read the sign on the door to the bathrooms "BUILDING CLOSED. NO WATER" Renee was forced into a fucking portapotty with a stomach ache. When she finally climbed back into the car she motherfucked the boy scouts and wanted to know “exactly how are they making coffee when there is no fucking water!” Poor girl had an episode in every state we drove through…damn tuna! It didn’t help that we veered off the beaten path to pass traffic and ended up in the middle of a fucking bike race?! (see 2nd picture) Who the hell does that happen to, besides us!