Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Bachelor Party Woes

Bachelor parties are crazy just by nature and although I am a female I have witnessed my fair share of filthiness associated with such parties due to having pigs for friends. However, my sweet innocent girlfriend had no idea what actually occurred at these shindigs until our friend who we will call "Dylan Strappon" told her about his adventure from this past weekend.

Dylan attended a friends bachelor party this past Saturday and to no surprise it started out per usual. Tons of alcohol, raffles, sexual stories and of course strippers. These weren't just any strippers, they were "professional" (which just means they were paid ahead of time.) As the booze filled the audiences bellies the girls got more and more naughty... The usual, slip out of your clothes, dance around, gyrate if you will until they introduced strap on dildos and began to bang each other. The guys were in heaven! At this point in the story, Renee was utterly disgusted but continued listening because in reality this is typical stripper bullshit that goes on... (no one ever says how they were sweating, smelled of raw tuna and had baloney nipples) its just that epic baby oil smell and loose vagina lips slapping around, which is totally par for the course... until

One of the strippers, a big boned, sweaty female had enough of her female cohort. Her eyes danced through the crowd as she whipped her soul glow hair around until she found him... the groom to be. His friends were quick to volunteer him up on stage for a little fun. The stripper who will call "Ruby" had the groom lay down on the floor and pulled a contraption out of her bag...Oh whats this the crowd wonders? Oh just a dildo that she casually straps to the grooms forehead. Ruby then squats down onto the dildo attached to the grooms face (her head towards his feet so her puckered butthole can kiss his forehead) and begins to ride like the wind!! The crowd goes nuts as the groom trys not to break his neck... Ruby goes faster and faster until everyone is cheering (except the groom) and then just when everyone thought it couldn't get any better.... Ruby lets out a giant moan as blood begins to gush out of her body (we don't know what orifice) and cover the grooms face, head, hair etc.... The crowd goes silent... Ruby jumps off the grooms blood soaked head and runs dripping gallons of blood off stage.. (one onlooker claimed to have seen her uterus hanging out of her vagina) leaving a devastated groom to ponder what the fuck just happened as he wiped the burning, irony vulva blood from his eyes.. Ruby Red did not return, maybe she realized that fucking peoples faces in public is no way to get a-head!!! LOL!!! CHEERS TO EVERY FILTHY WHORE WHO WITNESSED THIS!!!! And shame on the people used to complain about getting watermelon juice on their shirts at Gallagher concerts..

"Like its 1999"

Birthdays only come along once a year, so its best to GO BIG when your going to be celebrating. (Not such a good idea when you have a wedding the next day.) The festivities started around 7pm at a well known pizza restaurant. We waited forever for our table, which must have been a birthday treat, because it was directly next to the bathrooms. We immediately ordered our first round of beverages as the fruit flies began landing all over our faces, cue the story telling. All of my stories are true and I love when a stranger or new person is introduced to us for the first time because they never now how to take me... esp when there are about 400 fruit flies on the corner of my eyes and nostrils (I love eating in Malaysia!) and filth pouring out of my mouth.
We ordered our food, and learned my friend "BJ" does not eat bacon, so we just assumed that it was because she was Muslim and moved on... the Muslim issue will come into play much later on.... :)
Finish our food and bolt to the next destination.. in Spain no less! Grab a booth, shots and more friends join us, including a special appearance by Marky Mark Wahlberg, who must have known it was BJ and SSA's birthday! (Please note SSA is ass back words..and I love ass!) After rubbing elbows and nipples with the stars we headed to an Irish Pub for Birthday Car Bombs and I knew I was in heaven when my first beer came in a dirty glass!!! Now as the drinks go down it starts to feel like I am in a different country... and then I realize its not because I am wasted its that SSA's girlfriend, Marie and my friend Schweaty Bahls are from Providence, RI so the buzz is making their accents sound like foreigners. My obsession with the accents was cut short when my girl and SSA returned from the bathroom with photos of one of the stalls. It was as if one of the ladies in the bars mouth had become a power washer spraying vomit at a high volocity dowsing the entire stall with colorful chunks. If only these photos were scratch and sniff!!
The night ended in style with dancing, glow sticks and religion! We were dancing surrounded by boys (kinda like being in a bulkaki movie?) which happens when your lesbian until BJ breaks free and starts dancing with an African male. His moves were as sweet as honey from a hive! I mean who pretends to play bongos on a dance floor?? As if the colorful beads around his neck were not dazzling enough he had a glow stick in his back pocket! The dancing ended suddenly as Renee started doing the humpty (you know flopping around like her leg was broken?) Puzzled... she yelled that her fucking shoe had broken off her foot!!! LOL!!!!! I knelt down, on the sticky, wet, semen covered dance floor to find that that strap on her heel had completely broken off.. I escorted her off to a filthy leather couch (caked with what I can only imagine to be dry vomit) where I prayed for a miracle... ***CUE LIGHTS*** As we explained to our friends that our dancing days were over, Jesus Christ appeared. He was wearing all white and desert sandals. BJ was instantly mesmerized by his Holiness and as she disappeared back onto the dance floor with Jesus aka JC I tried to shout to her "I thought you were a Muslim?"
It took more then a miracle to separate BJ from JC at the end of the night but we were finally able to remove her clenched fists from his robes as she shouted out with glee... CALL ME!! (((JESUS CHRIST)))
All is well that ends with a blackout... BJ woke up with 3 people in her apartment...two in her bed, one on her couch and her tall ass smashed in a bean bag chair in her living room...as she wiped the sweat, drool and blood of Christ from her face she was thinking.... 27 is gonna be a good year!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!!! xoxoxoxoo

P-Ride

Our two hour train ride into NYC Pride started off with us seated side by side on the "bar" car, where the only thing getting hammered was the filthy fucking bathroom. Person after person used the moving latrine (where blue water was sloshing about) and even though it was clearly written in red capital letters on the door "PUSH" each person would walk up turn the handle and pull the door. To their surprise when it didn't open they would stand (or try to stand it was pretty bouncy) directly outside the bathroom for approximately 2 min before we would inform them that the bathroom was in fact empty and to just push the door open.
When the bathroom game got old we busied ourselves with discussions of sex with dolphins, cellular phones inside vaginas, how dirty money really is and the fact that Kid (from Kid n Play see picture!) was actually sitting across from us!! These conversations grew more graphic as the bottle containing warm spiced rum and green tea became less full. Although the beverage was not thirst quenching those of us drinking it sure thought the buzz it created was satisfying!! Only downfall from the beverage.. Renee described my breath as smelling like a rotting compost pile??
Upon our arrival we made a direct root toward the parade and passed a lot men in drag, partially nude women and my personal favorite fall down drunks!!
A couple drinks & shots later and we were off to a party. Two for ones always get the girls... and by that I was referring to the drink special! The bar was dark (which made the lesbos seem more attractive) as we branched off from our friends to hit the bathroom. Bar full of woman = super long bathroom line... Renee thought it would be best to grab a couple of drinks while we waited. We were trying like hell to finish our drinks before we reached the front of the line... but that didn't happen. As Renee disappeared into one of the four tiny closets a woman exited making it my turn...
I entered the pitch black casket sized room (which contained a black toilet and 1/2 a sink)with only a dull red light bulb for illumination and tried to decide where the fuck I was gonna put my drink while I used the umm... toilet. I decided to chug it and then hold the cup in my mouth while I peed. This was a bad idea for a number of reasons but the worst one would be because I had misjudged the space between the toilet and wall so while squatting and leaning forward my face (mouth propped open with cup) was now smashed against a sticky wood panelled wall in the heart of Greenwich Village) is it any wonder that I woke up today with a cold sore?
I finished peeing... dropped the cup (fuck it) and attempted (why we will never know) to wash my hands in the busted sink.. water spilled out and now realizing that there was no towel/dryer etc.. I was forced to take sheets of tp to dry my hands, which of course broke into a million pieces and dropped on the floor which I then attempted to pick up but opted to leave on the floor after my thumb and pointer finger touched the sopping wet drain in the bathroom.... PUKE!!!!
Nothing that more alcohol wouldn't be able to kill!! Back to the bar!!
After sunning ourselves on the rooftop bar we walked a few blocks till we found a hotel party(it was the wrong hotel but what did we know) and made our way inside.
No cover... how bad could this be? I should have known when I saw the silver swings hanging from the ceiling (see picture) but we just continued on in...made our way to the roof only to find 100's of boys in speedos dancing and hooking up...Well New York is known for its wieners!!! LOL...
We ended our night by walking passed a drunken man kissing the tip of another mans flacid (but appeared soft?)penis by the pool.. We ordered two shots and one drink for a whopping $39 bucks!!! I guess gay marriage is going to cause some economic stress!! LOL!!!!!!

Buddies + Booze = BARF

I knew the weekend would be kicking off great on Friday with me meeting up with my old work partner and friends from out of state, but what I didn't know is how Friday night would end!
I met up with him at a new spot downtown for the first time in months. He had been to this bar that served Spanish food and he swore by the ambiance. I arrived to find that not only did they cook Mexican food they kept the temperature in the bar at 104 degrees similar to eating in Guadalajara!! Some ambiance?! I guess if your into sweaty brows,lips, wet armpits and the occasional whiff of B.O. (PUKE)
We quickly downed a few mojitos as we discussed the years events which led to my first mistake...letting him decide that we should do a shot. He decided on Cafe Patron..(now the last time we drank Cafe Patron we ended up in Atlantic City, covered in vomit, sleeping in a motel that had no lock on the door, cigarette burns on the bare mattress and a toilet seat in the bathroom covered in blood ((that in my sick/drunkenness I sat on)) needless to say we have avoided the brown stuff for the past 3 years!!
Down the hatch!!! More friends arrive and we move outside to continue drinking (they were smart and got food) Stories were now flowing almost as fast as the alcohol!!
We switched locations to continue on this debauchery tour and (still feeling fine) arrived at the next bar only to be confronted with yet another round of Cafe Patron... the rest of this story is summary from my friends and my girlfriend who witnessed the impressive end to my evening.
Spit begins to fill my mouth as I stand at the bar.. hmm that patron is coming back to visit.. I make a b-line to the bathroom (forgetting to shut the stall door)where my friend observes that my shoes are now FACING the toilet (never good). So she stood watching me salivate over strangers pubes and skid marks until the sensation passed... back to the bar!
Its like I have a faucet for a mouth? Back to my lucky stall for some more bulimic routines! This time my friend from out of state came with me and was helpful enough to take the above photo and stop me just before I touched the horrendous public toilet seat!!
My girlfriend arrived straight from work and I decided it would be best to climb into the backseat of her car, but the quick witted woman locked me out of her vehicle! Shit... too wasted to understand how the locking mechanism works (its just a fucking button?!) I decide to fall asleep with my face smashed into the rear passenger window!
Driving arrangements were made and my girls must have drawn the shortest straw because those two lucky ladies got to drive him home! Somewhere along the way the driver thought it would best to listen to "drunk man" (instead of the GPS) and gets off the wrong exit, quickly followed up by him vomiting all over his shoes!! Once close to his residence the girls (who are terrified of his wife) decide that they are going to barely pull into his driveway and run to the safety of 3rd friends car! As they burn out.. (faint headlights disappearing in driveway) they discuss whether or not he was awake when they left him and why the fuck they decided to listen to him instead of the GPS!!!
Meanwhile I vomited 5x (which equals about 13 gallons of liquid)on our ride home which my girl so nicely videotaped on her cell phone!!!! And in addition smashed my face on on the center console on the last hard left turn on our way home.. which Renee (who was cracking up) really wished she got on tape!!!!!
Thank god for good friends, good booze and DESIGNATED DRIVERS!!!!

Its all in the SAUCE!

It had been a while since I heard a good "hook up" story so when this one came my way I couldn't resist sharing it!
I was at my local bar where friends work and usual hang so when the waitress who we shall call "Emily" came over to chat it wasnt anything out of the ordinary until my friend started to giggle and tells Emily to tell me the story about the other night... Emily rolls her eyes but agrees to share it..
So picture this... Emily is a waitress at the bar and there is a bar fly/drunk who we shall name "Rudy" who comes in nightly and had been flirting with her non-stop. Emily was not interested in the 35yr old (who looked 55 due to the booze/bad haircut) so she had taken the flattery and dismissed Rudy. Well after a grueling process Emily was finally accepted to a PHD program out of state and with the realization that she would be leaving the area soon and wanted to celebrate her acceptance... Cue Rudy...
Rudy comes into the bar, per usual, and starts up his usual banter with Emily who decides.. fuck it.. (literally) and takes Rudy home. (Mistake #1 Letting Rudy know where you live!)
Once at her apartment Rudy quickly disappears into the bathroom to "pee" when Emily hears her shower go on for about a minute and then off?? She thinks.. thats weird? Rudy exits the bathroom with wet hair telling her "I wanted to get sexy for you?" With wet hair?? Really?? ((Quick tip Rudy: Unless your fucking Squiggy from Lavern & Shirley don't slick your fucking hair back or get it sopping wet in a strangers shower!))
After changing her booze stained clothes she goes to look for Rudy... ((BEST PART EVER)) only to find him.. standing in her kitchen with the refrigerator door open, chugging Ragu right out of the fucking jar!!!! She is frozen taking in this unimaginable sight.. she said the marinara sauce was spilling down his face and onto his shirt as he drank from the jar... (I just threw up a little) she takes the jar away from him disgusted and as she cleans up the mess, still in shock, Rudy disappears yet again... (Mistake #2 letting him out of your sight AGAIN!!)
While Emily scrubbed the chunky bits of sauce off the kitchen floor she began to realize the magnitude of her decision to bring Rudy into her home and that she couldnt see him. She started calling out his name while searching the apartment for him.. not in the bathroom, not in kitchen, not in bedroom and as she walked into the living room Rudy pops out from behind the couch wearing nothing but underwear and a hat! SURPRISE!!!! Wow... (Mistake #3 After all that deciding to still have sex with him!)
This was by far one of the BEST HOOK UP STORIES I have ever heard!!! My hat's off to Emily we are gonna get along just fine!!! LOL!!

Memorial Day Weekend Day 3

Our last day started out with an "adventure walk" through the residential neighborhood in search of a local restaurant for breakfast... but after walking 5 miles and sweating out every ounce of water in my poor (dehydrated from the night before) body I finally persuaded Renee to eat at Devon's. Devon's is a local breakfast nook actually owned and operated by Devon? We waited for a table continuing to cook in the sun until we were ushered inside. Ahhh shade!! We sipped our coffee and chugged our water waiting for our pancakes and sausage patties... Everything seemed normal at the restaurant until Renee had to pee.
As she excused herself from the table, Devon sat down to chat with me. We discussed all the usual bullshit about his being the most amazing pancakes and that we should definitely come back here blah blah blah all while I stared at a booger hanging out of his nose until luckily more patrons arrived and he and his "hanger" left me. Renee returned a couple of seconds later, retrieved her phone from the table and said you have to see this! She disappeared back into the tiny bathroom giggling. I was so excited when she returned with a picture on her phone... See water is priceless here in Ptown so conserving it is essential... OBVIOUSLY when you have two buttons 1.Pee 2.Poo!!!!!!! OMG!!!!
Out to the streets we go, kinda wishing I had to drop a deuce just to see what happens with button #2?!! As we discussed possibilities I spotted another Ptown classic... I guess these fuckers aren't kidding when they talk about cement shoes!!! But what the fuck is with the suitcase?? We got chased away immediately following the picture because I had ignored the sign that said "don't touch art."
We continued cooking in the sun until we it was time to eat, which is basically all you do in ptown...
We met up with our friends one of them happen to be a black and white couple for dinner and while we laughed about the days events one of the ladies touched the her girlfriends neck saying "wow that is sunburned" and as she winced in pain she replied to her girl "you know how you don't touch a black girls hair? Well its the same as touching a white persons sunburn!!" I just about pissed my pants with that quote!
Off to end the vaca with festivities (not too late) we quickly disappear to go... um "clamming!"
Vacation ended with us sitting at a dead stop in traffic for 8 hours, my left arm (ONLY) getting sun burned from being out the drivers window while some kooky boy on a bike wearing what could only be described as a Hannibal Lector mask kept pace with us, until eventually passing us? Really??
The perfect ending to a perfect day...
Us, sweating with our two dogs(panting and shedding profusely), the cat meowing nonstop in her carrier, two suitcases overflowing with dirty clothes, subway wrappers blowing around and getting pulled over one town away from our house for turning right on red????? Seriously.... As serious as a fucking STD!!!! FUCK ME!!!! Who is coming next time??? LOL

Memorial Day Weekend Day 2

We woke up to gorgeous weather and my ankle the size of a grapefruit? Renee and I climbed into our flip flops and were out wandering the town in no time. We stumbled into one of our favorite eateries in Provincetown only to find a huge table of young annoying lesbos that we commonly refer to as "baby dykes." The baby dykes were drinking bud light and PBR at a ripe 10am all while matching their bandannas and/or skinny hairbands to their tshirt and board shorts. We decided to sit by the window and watch the mysterious lesbots perform. They yelled dreadful things like "smell my finger" and "I'm not used to holes this small" hardy har har!!! So original so funny so... gay. Finally after finishing their piss warm beers and fighting over the check they left their poor waitress 2 bucks, one in change, and people wonder why we get a bad name?? Really?? We leave change??
We enjoy our coffees and then stroll around, well I stroll but Renee fell 3x in her flip flops, the last time the fucker broke right off her foot... (Oh by the way I am the drinker out of the two of us) After walking for miles we both feel the urge to pee and might wet our pants immediately.. so we make a b line into a dark alley where we find a bathroom of sorts. The door was rusty at the hinges and the handle was moist. The picture on the door was of a man in a dress?? What does that mean?? We walked in to find the most horrendous bathroom stall ever with both a urinal and toilet (each had toilet paper strewn inside yet no urinal cake?) while I tried to balance peeing I studied my surroundings to discover that this was truly a unisex bathroom because right next to the box on the wall containing tampons was a box that you could purchase condoms out of for like fifty cents! When I finished peeing I opted to drip dry as opposed to touching the toilet paper dispenser that had a brown smear on it. Renee gladly snapped my photo (see inset)with the wall boxes while silently praying her shoes stay on and she doesnt fall in here!!

Out into the sunshine to dry my vag and meet up with more friends and the laughs either got better or we got drunker?!
Its decided on a whim that we are going to go see the sunset on a sand dune tour. We meet at the location at 620pm where find our tour guide "Barb" and her 1986 Chevy Suburban. Renee and I luck out because we get ride three deep in the front (bench)seat with Barb!! Wuuu hooo!!!! Now for those of you who don't know about sand dunes its a pretty bumpy ride and for those of you who don't know about middle aged lesbian women named "Barb" they are overweight with jiggly boobs and soft thighs... so picture it..us three deep (me in the middle) riding out to the sunset and bouncing around so violently that I actually have to brace myself on Barb's fucking baby soft hairy leg...... I just threw up in my mouth?!? Oh and I paid for this treat?? (see photo)
After sunset we went to what could only be described as a Thai Disco Restaurant equipped with Black lights, heavy bass, stiff drinks, sluts and our waiter spilling a thousand tiny chopped peanuts into our friends drinks! (fingers crossed they don't have a nut allergy!) Maybe the salt will help absorb some of the alcohol? As our poor friend chokes down her gin & peanut cocktail... (I mean if you have to have nuts you might as well be drunk or at least choke on them right?) we play a game of "snapping" straws... and win free shit?? So bizarre? Shockingly our friend finished her drink but I guess after three quarts of gin you could really down anything right! LOL!!!
Day 2 ended with us standing in lines and not going in anywhere until the three of us Renee, my bowling ball sized ankle and I climbing into bed... we couldn't even watch television because my ankle obstructed our view of the tv... fucking venom...

Memorial Day Weekend Day 1

We were off to Provincetown for Memorial Day weekend! Renee was singing along with the radio and all the windows were open! The wind was blowing in our faces and our arms were dangling out of the windows in the sun..until it happened... a ginormous beetle flew directly into my ear at approximately 100 mph bursting into a thousand gooey pieces. I heard the explosion just about the same time I felt the pain of the critters crusty little skeletal system bust apart!! Screaming I reached up and removed the empty beetle carcass (by pinching it between two fingers) while I continued to yell at Renee to get me a fucking napkin. After flinging it out the window I reached back into my ear to remove the yellow goo from my ear, which also contained two little beetle legs in it. Renee began sympathy screaming as we almost crashed into a semi...
Some how we survived the rest of the 3 hour drive to the cape and quickly exited the stifling vehicle and checked into our room. Room 211 was amazing except that there was just a bar with hangers and that constituted our "closet" but I guess when you drive hours away to be in gay paradise there really shouldn't be a closet should there?? Oh and no lotion or soap in the bathroom??? Hmmm
Off to Babalu's to meet friends and have a couple drinks. We met up with some peeps we hadn't seen in a while and as we gulped down our first 2 drinks a spider ate my left ankle (see photo of my ankle)after four drinks the sun was really taking an effect on all of us so we bolted to shower....
After Renee and I showered and ate dinner we rejoin our friends who are now coming out of the drunken fog we were all in earlier. The newest addition to the group offers me a piece of gum and then begins to tell me how she just threw up her clam chowder and calamari dinner in a dark porta potty... Excellent!!!!! And didn't get a drop on her!!
Off to dance until our out of town friends arrive late night.. we get a few drinks before collapsing into the bed and playing words with friends... I tried to be helpful offering possible words (because we had the letters a,b,l,e) but we just started rhyming like "cable or mable or sable or table or label etc" as Renee chuckled herself to sleep..

Road Trip!

Sometimes we have to travel for my job so when my partner Detective Hollie asked me to accompany her to a special "home for children" in Great Barring ton Massachusetts I didn't hesitate to assist her.
As we climbed in our piece of shit work Chevy (held together with bubblegum and duct tape) I realized that my door would not fully close and so decided it was best to lock it to prevent falling out. We gun it up on the highway where the transmission immediately slips and we both brace ourselves.
As the ride went on we had several filthy discussions and then the usual religion v.s. being a homosexual basically because Hollie is religious and I am a homo. After over an hour of driving my kidneys were about to fail and we were hungry. Hollie informed me that "she knows the area" because she grew up here? Ok...
We pull off the highway in some hick town and I immediately feel my vag tighten from stress.. I know what happens to my kind here.. Hollie attempts to reassure me as we walk into a diner of sorts. The place has tile floor, wood rafters, a homemade sign reading CASH ONLY and a shitload of spooky locals. I swear to god the record skipped when we walked in.
Hollie made a b line for the first available booth while I stood trying to conquer my fight or flight response. The waitress, a pretty girl with a strong accent (obviously a mail order bride) approaches and I quickly feel the pain of my kidney's need a bathroom.. She directs me through the long dining room to a small meatbox next to the kitchen.. As I head toward the commode I hear her ask Hollie if we are eating here or taking it to go.. She politely says "For here!" UGH....
As I get closer to the meatlocker bathroom/kitchen the tile floor becomes extremely slippery with grease and possibly Vaseline (or some other clear lube)?? I avoid eye contact with the cook who is staring at my faux hawk and stirring some god awful concoction. Without pausing to take a look into the meatlocker bathroom I go in and close the hollow door. The lock is broken. (Not that you couldn't just snap the paper mache door in two?) The bathroom has a wall of mirrors (like a shattered one) a yellow carpet, shit covered plunger and a trash bin with a tampon protruding... Excellent.. and to make matters worse I have no time to make a nest so I just plop my poor bare thighs down on the filthy toilet seat.. The fluid pours out of my vagina at a velocity so violent that I think I took off some of the hard water stains in the bowl!! Ahhh relief.. I scan the room and locate a sheet of toilet paper, thank god! Wipe, stand, pull up pants turn and try to flush... NOTHING! The flusher had like no resistance and the water didn't even ripple... Now because my pee is basically clear I debated about fishing out the one sheet of toilet paper and just pretending nothing had happened?? My better judgement told me just to walk away. I exit the room to find the cook staring at me smiling a toothless smile.. he has a beard and is actually wearing a fucking bloody apron?? WHERE AM I??
I quickly find my seat. Food comes.. we start devouring it as quick as possible to make our escape when a man in a tricolor sombrero enters and nobody is even remotely intrigued. This has to be the oddest town I have ever been in. We finish eating and I bolt to the register/cutting board to pay while Hollie snaps a picture of sombrero man (see photo with me paying in background!)
Back on the road again Hollie starts telling me tales of the area and how she got her license at that diner?? She is so carried away texting while driving that she doesn't see tha we are now heading straight for oncoming traffic! I suggest she pay attention... we drive a few more miles before she pulls into a fucking truckstop in the middle of the woods?! Who's up for being raped and pillaged?? Of course there is a truck here, with a man standing outside taking a piss or playing with himself who I am staring at as she texts like a mad woman. I ask if we could possibly go to another location because the man has now spotted us, stopped peeing and I believe he started putting a condom on! Hollie finally sees him and we peel out!! SAFE...for now...
Road after road and woods after woods we arrive at what I thought was a closed mental hospital with children standing outside (obviously over medicated.) We park and the second the car is turned off I hear violent screaming. A large angry child is having a mental break and is being restrained by two grown men, who appear to be losing the battle which is all happening on the front porch. The girl spots me and immediately starts spitting in our direction and yelling "I am gonna kill you, you white bitch!!" Well that was comforting.. like being back in New Haven!
We talk briefly with what appears to be a pedophile therapist (who constantly flips his hair?) and our loon of a kid who plays with scissors and talks about dead birds before we made our escape.. and people say I' crazy!!
The hospital must have sparked some memories for Hollie who entertained me on the ride home with stories about and I quote "you know like when you kill your dog?" Sorry.. whats that.. in between giggles she tells me how when she bought her new house and her old dog kept pooping and peeing everywhere so she went out and bought sleeping pills and then hand fed the dog the entire box of Unisom.. put him on his bed in front of the fire and told him what a good dog he had been and went off to bed. She expected to find his little corpse in the morning but HE SURVIVED!!! And was extremely well rested!!! WHAT A FUCKING RIDE!!!!