Hide and Seek

We play a lot of tricks on each other at work to keep things interesting and fun. However, recently I decided to take the games to a new level by including a friend of mine who happens to be a social worker.
If you could imagine, I came across several pornographic images from the 1930's. The images were surprisingly vivid and aesthetically pleasing LOL so I decided to discreetly place several of the graphic photos in my friend's office (under paper work, printers etc), lunch bag, purse and work bag.
My co-workers and I quietly waited for her to find the pictures... but nothing happened. A day passed and nothing?
She goes on vacation for a week and all the while I am expecting a phone call telling me she found them and we don't hear a peep. While she is out of the office she has another social worker fill in for her, use her desk, office etc...
So when she came back from her vacation I couldn't take it any longer and finally asked her soo did you find anything interesting in your lunch?
She was like oh my god it was you!! She said that the week before her vacation she was at the main office when she reached into her bag to retrieve something and a filthy picture fell on the floor near other social workers. She tried to pick it up like it was nothing and then snuck a peek at the filthiness but had no idea where it had come from?!
After sharing that laugh I asked what she thought about all the other pictures and she was like what other pictures? I was like all the nasty pictures I hid in your office silly? She was like I DIDN'T FIND ANY OTHER PICTURES! Now I really couldn't control myself because the girl who had been using her office while she was on vacation had reorganized her paperwork and must have found 5 filthy fucking photos!! She was like I knew she was looking at me weird!!!! LOL You fucking slut!!!!

Dehumidifier

I wake up to a note that has a couple of "to-dos" on it.. no big whoop?!
The to do things seemed simple enough. I started with the smallest and worked my way up. The last thing I had to do before my girlfriend got home from work was to take the old dehumidifier out of the basement and put it in the dumpster.
So I go into the basement to retrieve the dehumidifier and it looks small enough? How heavy could this thing be? I looked down at my flip flops and thought, these will probably work. But as I stared at the small square metal box I don't see any handles to pick it up so I was forced to grip the smooth sides of it as best I could and heave it into the air. The fucking thing weighs a metric ton and as I scoot towards the stairs it begins sliding out of my hands. I try to pick up the pace before I loose my grip and of course while climbing the stairs I trip ripping the toe thingy right off my fucking flip flop.
By the time I reach my kitchen, I am wearing my left flip flop like a fucking anklet and sweating, which is not helping me grip this thing. I take another break before dashing towards the door as the dehumidifier again slips through my fingers/palms towards the floor.
I open the front door and look for any neighbors because I am not wearing a bra, I have sweat tracks on my tank top and refuse to take the busted shoe off but know how ridiculous I must look. Coast is clear...
I open the door and shimmy out onto the piping hot concrete. I bolt across the grass and barely make it to the steaming hot asphalt!!!!
Like clock work my neighbor pops out of the woods with her little dog just in time to see my one shoe'd body collapse on top of the "widow maker" as it begins to roll across the pavement. THIS FUCKING THING HAS WHEELS??
The neighbor of course waves and wants to have a talk as I make my way toward the dumpster.
I take a small break to discuss with this fool why my shoe is broken and her telling me how simple flip flops are to fix?
As this dumb bitch continues to drone on about fixing my $2 shoe I notice little grey handles underneath the lip of this fucking monster... HANDLES!!!! UGH>>>
The fury rises as I snatch up the beast and launch it into the dumpster before ripping my flip flops off completely and shoving them in right beside the dehumidifier. I looked at my neighbor and shrugged jiggling my sweaty lady berries in her face.... and say "How's that for simple fix"

No Sleep Till....

Brooklyn!
We crammed into a car coated in dog hair and broken finger nails on Monday night to "run a train" to NY.
We stopped at a liquor store to grab forty's for the ride and met a fellow customer, who took my advice and grabbed a forty of Miller High Life and case of Budweiser cans. He followed us to the register, we could hear him in his strappy "mandals" approaching from behind he slapped the case of beer against my friends chest and said "here take that out to the car. I just had a hernia operation." WTF???
Nothing that quick pull from the champagne of beers can't handle. We boarded the train with fellow patrons including a couple of prostitutes and a terrified couple.
To occupy our time on the train we grossed each other out the most fucked up videos we could find on youtube... We lost... I threw up in my mouth when I was forced to watch a snip it of bestiality. PUKE Mr. Ed you sick bastard!!!!
Cheap metro cards and Asian midgets make a subway ride complete. Into the best Mexican eatery EVER! More beers and all of sudden Our Lady of Guadalupe looked like the Virgin Mary in a technicolor dream coat? Did someone sneak me some acid or is that Lady that magical?
Out the door in the pouring rain, as water climbed up my jeans I noticed that along with being wet, cigarette butts were collecting in the cuff of my jeans... thank goodness cause I could use a drag!
I guess after copious amounts of alcohol some moron would think jumping a subway turn style for a $1.50 ride was worth while... glad I had nothing to do with that!
(problem uploading pics...will add later!)

Disfigured

We all do stupid shit when we are running late for work. Leave the coffee pot on, wear one black sock one blue sock etc... Just last week I wore a pair of new pants and had a tag and buttons attached to my ass for about half of my work day, until someone finally grabbed it and pulled it off saying "I don't think you want this on."
But this next story...ugh..
My buddy Nick was running late for work...really late.. and realizing that he had less than one minute to make it inside before he would be docked as "late" he quickly parked his car, jumped out, ran across the lot and went to jump over the metal guardrail..that's when it happened. He realized mid-air that he had misjudged something and was now falling face first into the concrete. Maybe it was the tip of his shoe that got caught on the guardrail? Maybe he prematurely left the ground but whatever it was he was going down face first unless his hands could break the fall. I should also point out that it was about 3 o'clock in the afternoon and bright as a motherfucker outside. It wasn't slippery or icy or sandy and I don't think he was drunk? :)
So leaving the rest of the fall to your imagination lets flash back to me.
The day Nick fell, I was in a training class surrounded by the driest people EVER. I swear to Christ they were giving me cotton mouth just sitting that close to me!! As I sat there quietly listening to the instructor I feel my cell phone vibrate. I sneak the phone out under the table and flip it open. It was then that I saw the image texted from Nick. As I felt the chunks rise in my throat and my eyes bulge out, I fought the urge to scream... WTF?! I was in class.. trapped! I quickly shut the phone and tried to put the putrid images I had just seen out of my head as the phone vibrated again, only to display an image worse then the first.. if that was even fucking possible... I began to dry heave at my seat and had to excuse myself and go into the hallway. Once out in the hallway the vibration started again.. Begging for mercy but playing with fire, I opened the phone to see the last of the rotten text messages of the aftermath... PUKE!!! (Actual text images attached!)
Thank god he's not a lesbian!!!!! LOL

McGyver Tampon

A woman was talking to a friend about possibly having sex but not being certain. She claimed that she was completely smashed and couldn't remember?! Which usually means that he was pretty good! LOL
But that wasn't the crazy part... the crazy part was when she said and I quote "But we must of had sex because when I woke up in the morning my McGyver Tampon was completely jammed into the back of my vagina!" Ok... couldn't resist had to ask... Ummm what the fuck is a McGyver Tampon... "you know when you get your period but don't have a tampon so you roll up some toilet paper and shove it inside your pussy" WHOA...... Um... I can think of 1,000 things I would rather do.. maybe put the toilet paper on my underpants until I can get a tampon, ask another ANY OTHER woman if she had one she could spare, dig 50 cents out of my pocket and put it in that crazy white box that says it holds tampons or pads or worst case scenario I would just fucking bleed out.
Thanks D.R. the original McGyver Tampon user! LOL

Open Road

With vacation winding down, Renee and I were psyched for dinner and drinks with our good friends! We waited outside for two hours , enjoying cocktails on the patio with empty stomachs. By the time the toothless hostess came to get us I was pretty buzzed. I followed “gums” into the restaurant believing that my friends were with me, not realizing that they had stopped for a cigarette and Renee was chatting. I was now alone in a dark hallway with the sea hag who then stopped abruptly and turned to me saying “you got a hooker?” I turned to look at Renee and found that I was alone with the woman and simply said “excuse me?” And she said “You got a hooker!” that was when I realized that the Jack Daniels in my hand was called a “local hooker” by the restaurant and this wench was referring to my drink…LOL Yeah, I said I got two actually! The night continued like this with great stories and sick memories…
But like all vaca’s this one had to end… Our trip home from Cape Cod began around noon and was as interesting as it was back breaking. It started with me screaming and pulling off the dreaded RT 6 because a beetle had flown into the car and had adhered itself to my leg! After Renee finished laughing and saying it flew out of the car the ride home continued. The usual four hour trip took us six hours and included a section of "scenic" highway that we were forced to crawl through at about three miles per hour. Now I know Massachusetts is different but I am not sure when trailer parks, motels and camping grounds became “scenic highways.” As we inched along we realized that as we were watching all the weirdos in their natural habitat they were watching us. A small group of overweight men were perched in lawn chairs on top of a rusty old tractor trailer truck on the side of the highway drinking beers wearing nothing but black socks and sandals.
I refused to stop and use the bathroom anywhere near this section of road because, quite frankly I didn’t want to get pregnant, killed or forced into a cult but I had to pee really bad. As miles passed I and the trailer parks drifted into the distance I spotted a Starbucks on the horizon. Traffic crept along until I was finally able to make the sharp turn into the driveway. Once on the driveway I couldn’t believe that we were staring at a crack whore in a pink bra and shorts waving to us? Further to our dismay she was approaching our vehicle. With our mouths wide open we were actually propositioned by what appeared to be a prostitute?! She begged us to pull over so she could wash our car and when I politely declined she offered to wash our bicycles and give us free hot dogs. Now as appetizing as that sounded we had to pass but not without a photo!! I even asked the whore to pose...see picture! (I think she’s done this before?)
After filling up on coffee and tuna sandwiches we were back on the open road…momentarily, until I heard a faint rumbling in Renee's stomach. She looked chalky and pale like an albino with a tan and quickly told me to get to a bathroom! I did 90 to the closest rest stop where boy scouts were giving away free coffee and "treats." She exited the car and hobbled to the door of the building with me chasing her... I heard her say "fuck no!" as I read the sign on the door to the bathrooms "BUILDING CLOSED. NO WATER" Renee was forced into a fucking portapotty with a stomach ache. When she finally climbed back into the car she motherfucked the boy scouts and wanted to know “exactly how are they making coffee when there is no fucking water!” Poor girl had an episode in every state we drove through…damn tuna! It didn’t help that we veered off the beaten path to pass traffic and ended up in the middle of a fucking bike race?! (see 2nd picture) Who the hell does that happen to, besides us!

Cape Cod

Four hours in the car with a sleeping co-pilot who wakes up only occasionally for bathroom breaks or to shout out letters may seem like a long time but with my Sirius radio set to Alt-nation it flew by.
We were the first to arrive at our house in Orleans, Cape Cod only to find the foreign house keeper, sleeping on the couch hungover in front of the t.v.? When she saw us staring at her she popped up and started dusting?! Really... She packed up her "cleaning" supplies and wished us a happy vaca in her deep Russian accent. So we know the house wasn't really clean but when I found pieces of what I believe to be housekeeper's vomit in the upstairs bathroom I nearly puked myself.
Next on the agenda divvy up the bedrooms.
My sister's family was forced to the upstairs bedrooms because of the bunk beds and little ones. My father, opted out of the family vaca, so my mom was flying solo and she chose the room with a twin bed. Renee and I got a "full" bed.
Now, I love my girlfriend but we usually sleep in a king size bed and aside from our legs being intertwined we don't touch while we sleep. That is for a number of reasons, 1. she is an inferno causing me to sweat (more then usual), 2. Citu our chocolate lab separates us and 3. because when I drink too much I snore and my mouth is wide open and she doesn't want to look at that? Weird...So being forced into a full bed was like a dream come true. Literally face to face in a bed that's mattress folds outward so you constantly feel like your falling out of the bed... forcing you to clutch onto significant other for stability. The situation only improved when after a windy day at the beach I opened my book while laying in bed and 4lbs of sand poured out of the book and onto my stomach and sheets. Fuck... now I get to sleep on a paper thin, bent mattress covered in sand with sun burned knees/blisters and the girl of my dreams breathing hot breath in my face with a wet braid?.
Vaca continued with a trek to Provincetown with my girlfriend and my straight family members. Every summer we usually end up in Ptown during bear week, which is a little unfortunate for my bro-in law but this year he was spared. It was family week...but after biking 9 miles to the beach on our bicycles he told Renee and I his ass hurt so much he felt like he had spent time at bear week!! LOL
Ptown was overcrowded per usual but that didn't stop us from bellying up to an outdoor patio for some drinks and people watching. Visual stimulation included a drunk woman (at 3pm) stumbling out of her crocs, leaving her socks on and then walking onto the sandy beach? Hmmm...socks... in the summer... on the beach?
My nephew added something special when he declared that he had to go to the bathroom. He and my bro-in law disappeared into the bathroom as I waited my turn at the bar. Minutes later my bro-in law exited the tiny bathroom (no windows/vent) sweating profusely and asking the bar tender for toilet paper?! LOL He then disappeared back into the bathroom... after several minutes both boys exited the bathroom and I decided to pass on my turn. My bro-in law, sweating said "Jesus that place was so small that no matter where I stood I kept turning on the automatic hand dryer turning the shitter into a sauna!" My nephew said that people littered a lot in the bathroom. I bet he dropped some items too!!!!! LOL

Vermont 2

Chapter 2
While visiting the lush green mountain state a friend's band was playing and we were lucky enough to get on the guest list ( http://hestaprynn.com/ ). We decided to grab dinner and drinks in the downtown section at a quaint Irish pub before dancing our faces off.
All the car bombs in the world could not have prepared me for some of the images that were burned into my mind from Church St. Most people don't sweat in 68 degree weather but I guess when your tits have their own zip code you’re an exception. Lucky for us with the dog tied to our table it kept the sweaty masses far enough away so that we were only forced to visually enjoy their glistening bodies without actually having to smell them.
My personal favorite was an overweight, tattooed man, topless of course, pushing a bicycle (ironic he wasn't actually riding it?). His chest piece depicted a family of gorillas in the jungle including banana's on his miniature arms and leaves accenting his baloney nipples. When I thought it couldn't get any better he turned to talk to his female companion "Greta" and we were instantly taken away by the desert scene tattooed on his back. Complete with a pride of lions and the little jungle boy? WTF?? Renee started begging me to go get my phone out of the car for a snapshot of this travesty but we couldn't remember where the fuck we parked?! So needless to say this endangered beast of a man escaped without being caught on film.
Off to the show after forcing "wu-tang" to track us back to our car!
Once inside the venue we thought we were safe only to come face to face with the best dancers EVER.. Do you remember the movie flash dance? OMG I wanted autographs... My older sister would have felt right at home with all the high knee dancing from 1983! It was only completed by the light show created by the numerous glow sticks being whipped around overhead. Renee and I did our best to keep up (we are pretty old) I bumped into a woman, I think?!, who had the worst wig I have ever seen. It started mid forehead and then erupted into full on, unwashed, unbrushed, dread locked/snarled mess. We were obsessed with her... how did it stay on? She was jamming out and the wig never moved?! Her mother or caretaker was seated directly behind her and would occasionally give her dancing tips.
Finally, Renee pointed out an empty chair so I could rest my poor 31yr old ass. I was psyched that the chair was empty because the venue was packed, but as soon as I sat down I understood why. The chair was directly in front of a special needs person, who proceeded to boo to the beat and spill fruit punch and spit on my arms. We quickly re-treated to the area on the opposite side of the bar where we watched one of the only heterosexual couples suck face for the last two songs and it made me want pink laffy taffy?!
I will leave you with the image of Renee and I stumbling home and attempting to climb into the bed and then seeing that it was fucking crawling with pincher bugs? I guess pincher bugs are better than crabs in a bed right! Vermont….. you disgust me and I love it!!!!