Memorial Day Weekend Day 1

We were off to Provincetown for Memorial Day weekend! Renee was singing along with the radio and all the windows were open! The wind was blowing in our faces and our arms were dangling out of the windows in the sun..until it happened... a ginormous beetle flew directly into my ear at approximately 100 mph bursting into a thousand gooey pieces. I heard the explosion just about the same time I felt the pain of the critters crusty little skeletal system bust apart!! Screaming I reached up and removed the empty beetle carcass (by pinching it between two fingers) while I continued to yell at Renee to get me a fucking napkin. After flinging it out the window I reached back into my ear to remove the yellow goo from my ear, which also contained two little beetle legs in it. Renee began sympathy screaming as we almost crashed into a semi...
Some how we survived the rest of the 3 hour drive to the cape and quickly exited the stifling vehicle and checked into our room. Room 211 was amazing except that there was just a bar with hangers and that constituted our "closet" but I guess when you drive hours away to be in gay paradise there really shouldn't be a closet should there?? Oh and no lotion or soap in the bathroom??? Hmmm
Off to Babalu's to meet friends and have a couple drinks. We met up with some peeps we hadn't seen in a while and as we gulped down our first 2 drinks a spider ate my left ankle (see photo of my ankle)after four drinks the sun was really taking an effect on all of us so we bolted to shower....
After Renee and I showered and ate dinner we rejoin our friends who are now coming out of the drunken fog we were all in earlier. The newest addition to the group offers me a piece of gum and then begins to tell me how she just threw up her clam chowder and calamari dinner in a dark porta potty... Excellent!!!!! And didn't get a drop on her!!
Off to dance until our out of town friends arrive late night.. we get a few drinks before collapsing into the bed and playing words with friends... I tried to be helpful offering possible words (because we had the letters a,b,l,e) but we just started rhyming like "cable or mable or sable or table or label etc" as Renee chuckled herself to sleep..

Road Trip!

Sometimes we have to travel for my job so when my partner Detective Hollie asked me to accompany her to a special "home for children" in Great Barring ton Massachusetts I didn't hesitate to assist her.
As we climbed in our piece of shit work Chevy (held together with bubblegum and duct tape) I realized that my door would not fully close and so decided it was best to lock it to prevent falling out. We gun it up on the highway where the transmission immediately slips and we both brace ourselves.
As the ride went on we had several filthy discussions and then the usual religion v.s. being a homosexual basically because Hollie is religious and I am a homo. After over an hour of driving my kidneys were about to fail and we were hungry. Hollie informed me that "she knows the area" because she grew up here? Ok...
We pull off the highway in some hick town and I immediately feel my vag tighten from stress.. I know what happens to my kind here.. Hollie attempts to reassure me as we walk into a diner of sorts. The place has tile floor, wood rafters, a homemade sign reading CASH ONLY and a shitload of spooky locals. I swear to god the record skipped when we walked in.
Hollie made a b line for the first available booth while I stood trying to conquer my fight or flight response. The waitress, a pretty girl with a strong accent (obviously a mail order bride) approaches and I quickly feel the pain of my kidney's need a bathroom.. She directs me through the long dining room to a small meatbox next to the kitchen.. As I head toward the commode I hear her ask Hollie if we are eating here or taking it to go.. She politely says "For here!" UGH....
As I get closer to the meatlocker bathroom/kitchen the tile floor becomes extremely slippery with grease and possibly Vaseline (or some other clear lube)?? I avoid eye contact with the cook who is staring at my faux hawk and stirring some god awful concoction. Without pausing to take a look into the meatlocker bathroom I go in and close the hollow door. The lock is broken. (Not that you couldn't just snap the paper mache door in two?) The bathroom has a wall of mirrors (like a shattered one) a yellow carpet, shit covered plunger and a trash bin with a tampon protruding... Excellent.. and to make matters worse I have no time to make a nest so I just plop my poor bare thighs down on the filthy toilet seat.. The fluid pours out of my vagina at a velocity so violent that I think I took off some of the hard water stains in the bowl!! Ahhh relief.. I scan the room and locate a sheet of toilet paper, thank god! Wipe, stand, pull up pants turn and try to flush... NOTHING! The flusher had like no resistance and the water didn't even ripple... Now because my pee is basically clear I debated about fishing out the one sheet of toilet paper and just pretending nothing had happened?? My better judgement told me just to walk away. I exit the room to find the cook staring at me smiling a toothless smile.. he has a beard and is actually wearing a fucking bloody apron?? WHERE AM I??
I quickly find my seat. Food comes.. we start devouring it as quick as possible to make our escape when a man in a tricolor sombrero enters and nobody is even remotely intrigued. This has to be the oddest town I have ever been in. We finish eating and I bolt to the register/cutting board to pay while Hollie snaps a picture of sombrero man (see photo with me paying in background!)
Back on the road again Hollie starts telling me tales of the area and how she got her license at that diner?? She is so carried away texting while driving that she doesn't see tha we are now heading straight for oncoming traffic! I suggest she pay attention... we drive a few more miles before she pulls into a fucking truckstop in the middle of the woods?! Who's up for being raped and pillaged?? Of course there is a truck here, with a man standing outside taking a piss or playing with himself who I am staring at as she texts like a mad woman. I ask if we could possibly go to another location because the man has now spotted us, stopped peeing and I believe he started putting a condom on! Hollie finally sees him and we peel out!! SAFE...for now...
Road after road and woods after woods we arrive at what I thought was a closed mental hospital with children standing outside (obviously over medicated.) We park and the second the car is turned off I hear violent screaming. A large angry child is having a mental break and is being restrained by two grown men, who appear to be losing the battle which is all happening on the front porch. The girl spots me and immediately starts spitting in our direction and yelling "I am gonna kill you, you white bitch!!" Well that was comforting.. like being back in New Haven!
We talk briefly with what appears to be a pedophile therapist (who constantly flips his hair?) and our loon of a kid who plays with scissors and talks about dead birds before we made our escape.. and people say I' crazy!!
The hospital must have sparked some memories for Hollie who entertained me on the ride home with stories about and I quote "you know like when you kill your dog?" Sorry.. whats that.. in between giggles she tells me how when she bought her new house and her old dog kept pooping and peeing everywhere so she went out and bought sleeping pills and then hand fed the dog the entire box of Unisom.. put him on his bed in front of the fire and told him what a good dog he had been and went off to bed. She expected to find his little corpse in the morning but HE SURVIVED!!! And was extremely well rested!!! WHAT A FUCKING RIDE!!!!

A Day in the Life

My fiance Renee not only puts up with my antics and tolerates my intense sense of humor but is usually witness to all the bizarre shit that happens to me! However, yesterday she had a day all her own! Let's begin shall we...

After I left for work she woke up to the sound of sloppy liquid spilling out of the dog's mouth onto the floor. Our German shepherd, Bitang, likes to vomit (he may be bulimic) and does so in the corners of our bedroom in the tiny crevasse between the bureau and wall which makes for great acoustics as the hacking sound bounces off of the walls followed by the sound of bright yellow bile sloshing onto the floor! Up and at'em sweetheart!!

As she pops her contacts into her dry, tired eyes before cleaning up the pile of upchuck she remembers the bizarre dream she was in the middle of.. she dreamt that we had triplets. Three girls and that I had decided to cook them in corning ware and a red sauce (sounds delicious) at 375?! After they were cooked she removed their calcified corpses from the oven, peeled ("like an onion" she said:) open their skin to remove the child??? She said that as she was doing this in the dream she was thinking "fuck... she killed them" (OMG..... I thought I was the fucking kook in this relationship!!)

Later in the day she was off to pick up our niece, who is 11 months old, to babysit for the day. Once she had the baby she went about her daily activities, which included a trip to the vet with our chocolate Labrador, Citu. Once at the vet the exam goes on as normal until the vet begins explaining to her that Citu gets a lot of urinary track infections because she has issues with her vagina.. a distended vulva to be more specific. He then requested that Renee, who is holding a baby, get down on the floor while he lifted up Citu's leg and split her butt cheeks to fucking reveal the DISTENDED VULVA!!!!! (See picture!!!!) Renee couldn't believe that he was seriously requesting her to do this... she doesn't give a shit what a distended vulva looks like and sure as fuck wasn't going to put the babies face/head anywhere near the dog's vulva!! She furrowed her brow and kindly declined motioning toward the baby... so the Vet did what any "good" vet would do... he turned Citu around so that Renee could see her pink triangular shaped distended vulva from where she was sitting with the baby LOL!!!!!! Great.. he then offered a bunch of solutions including stitches or ointment *we were suppose to rub on??* Ahh never gonna happen!!!!!! We might be lesbians but WE HAVE LIMITS FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!!! We opted for a food that would reduce her urinary infections...duh...

She was quick to tell me these stories the second I got home from work and added that her day USUALLY gets MORE INTERESTING when I get home not BEFORE!!!! LOL!!!!!

FIRST EUCHRIST

Raced home, changed out of my wet armpit shirt that I just had a haircut and worked all day in, to get redressed for my nieces first holy communion. As if I wasn't sweating enough, off to church Renee and I go...

We arrive 10 minutes late for 4:30pm mass and have to park six miles from the church entrance. (They like to keep the demons away!) As we approach the side door of the church I read the quote on the door out loud "Pray For Us." We look at each other possibly for any signs of smoke or flames as the two lesbians enter "God's house."
Mass had started and although I am wearing a pink button up shirt, knee high boots and black dress pants I am pretty sure that my faux hawk and mortal sin give me away immediately as a lesbo. Renee and I plant our asses behind a older couple (woman in scarf and balding husband) who turn as if they could smell our souls burning and she gave us the most disgusted look. Renee and I look at each other to make sure we don't have shit or better yet vaginas all over our faces, shrug and look back. Woman turns around again so disgusted by our presence that she then mouths something to her husband and starts plugging her ears? (Do dyke's make supersonic sounds like whales or something?) The third time the kooky bitch turns toward us I did what anyone would do... I placed both of my filthy vagina poking hands on the pew in front of us forcing the dumb bitch to have to arch her back to avoid touching my hand! Now we're laughing hysterically!! As the people in church finally stand for the first time I spot my sister up in the front and Renee and I bolt towards her leaving a trail of sin in our wakes...

We jump into the pew with them where I quickly assemble my camera to take pictures. I spot a holy roller in the corner next to the alter taking pictures so I break for her spot to get some good shots of my niece... The woman (older possibly a nun with a crewcut) pulls me into a dark hallway and scolds me for being in the front of the church and that photos from here are strictly forbidden before smiling, winking at me and saying but I really love your haircut! As she disappears into the shadowy room behind the alter I am left standing (basically in front of the entire congregation) thinking did a nun just fucking hit on me? I then dash back to my family to avoid further issues.

Mass drones on until Renee directs my attention to the woman a few pews away. She is about 65 years old in a dark purple valor suit with a gray mullet. But this just wasn't any mullet... this mullet had a fucking bald spot like a ring of fire or crown of thorns (whichever you prefer at this location) and a giant comb over. WTF is this? We were mesmerized until I spotted the woman two rows ahead of us with a nose that was so big she could probably smell the virgin Mary's perfume or semen on the alter boys breath!!

We escaped church just in time before we had to do "penis" pronounced penance!
Who knew church could be so fun and you get a snack!!!!!

Birthday Bits 3 (last but not least)

After our exhausting visit with Dad, shopping and the Walmart shitting experiences Renee and I made our way home. We showered and got all fancy for my big birthday dinner at an Italian Bistro.

We arrived at the packed restaurant and lucky us got seated right next to the bar where some fatty was tying desperately to impress this poor woman at the end of the bar who kept frantically texting!! (I can only imagine her friends were running late?) I wonder if he thought she was deaf and not ignoring him because his voice just kept getting louder and louder...

We ordered our food and as we sipped our beers we decided to play one of our favorite games as a couple. The 10,000 Pyramid Game, rules are very similar to the actual game show we just like to use people we know as the victims...I mean answers :) Renee was guessing first so here is her clue... I make a distorted face described as my mouth partially open, my eyes half shut and my lips dangling (Note a rule is that WE BOTH KNOW THE PERSON!!!) She struggles for a minute staring at me and YES I continue to sit at the table across from her with that fucking ridiculous expression on my face when she finally makes her guess.... "Gee I don't know...your Dad?" LLLLLOOOOOLLL!!!!!!!!

As we pulled ourselves back together our appetizer arrived. Calamari with a blood red sauce and chunks of peppers...that must have been what inspired me to tell the next story...
A story that my anonymous good friend Greg C. told me. First I have to set the scene for her as she dips the squid in the putrid looking sauce: Greg his wife and two daughters went on a cruise recently and they had a great time EXCEPT for this little problem. All four of them shared an indoor cabin with two twin beds, a pop up cot between the two twins and bunk off to the side. Greg slept in one twin bed his wife slept in the other and his daughters would rotate who slept between them and who slept in the bunk... Well one night Greg rolls over in his sleep and accidental punched his daughter right in the face! She started screaming!! Her nose was gushing so much blood that she vomited... his wife wakes up hears her crying and hits the light to find this horrific scene and promptly passes out!! Not to worry because by that point Greg..oh wait...never mind he slept through it!! The rest of the trip went off without a hitch except that every night after that the girls would cry that they didn't want to sleep next to daddy!!

Cheers!! Thank you all for making this an unforgettable birthday!!!! I am now officially "thirty two little too late!" LOL!!!!!!!

Birthday Bits 2

Afternoon:
After propping Dad up in his beatnik wheelchair outside the nurses station with two flat tires and windblown hair, Renee and I bolted.
It was pouring rain now and since I like to be wet on my birthday (PUN INTENDED) we walked slowly to the car which only accentuated our unshowered, greasy look. We had two errands to run before we had to get ready for our dinner reservations.

Our first stop was at Modern Formals to try and decide on a tuxedo for our wedding. We entered the store, which was backed wall to wall with redneck sausage and immediately were surrounded. I whispered to Renee that we were probably gonna be lynched or raped or both, so to try and and "act natural." LOL!! Little did we know that this town and the neighboring town's prom was tomorrow night so everyone was picking up their tux's!
Being the only two females in the store we were quickly approached by the salesman who asked how he could help us? Renee told him that we were getting married and wanted to look at some tuxedo's. This must have been REALLY EXCITING because he yelled as if he were the captain of the homosexual team CONGRATS!!! followed by a half smile and sideways head look saying "now...which one of you is going to be wearing the tux?" LOL!!! We opted to make an appointment for a later date so that we wouldn't get impregnated as we bent over looking at the ties...

Next stop... Walmart of course! As soon as we got in the store (as is tradition any time I go out with Renee) is the bathroom. (Woman has a bladder the size of an infant!) Now most public bathrooms are disgusting but this Walmart really takes the cake. It was like gas station nasty, moist floors, dirty sinks, finger nail clippings you name it?! We enter the latrine and the first 2 stalls are occupied so I b-line for the handicap bathroom with Renee right on my toes. As we pass the second closed stall door the woman breaks wind so loud and violently that I swear it parted my hair the other way!! Renee and I locked eyes as I shut my stall door a safe distance away from the shitter leaving her the only other unoccupied stall, which was directly next to the deuces wild! The smile stretched across my face as she pleaded with her eyes not to make her use that stall!! LOL Sorry sweetheart!
The excitement continues through out our visit as stall number 2 continues to erupt with anal music and bats flying out of the cave! I try to contain myself, unsuccessfully. I finish and beat feet to the sink where Renee and I meet up. As we quickly scrub our hands and up to our elbows, something catches my eye.. I look at stall number one and notice the person in there has removed her shoes to use the bathroom? Who the fuck does that? In a public bathroom? With a moist floor? The suspense was killing me as I snapped a quick photo... only to see said person then remove her khaki pants???! WOW.. you are really sitting on the toilet, at Walmart, minus your shoes, your pants and your NEXT TO THE SHITTER?! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable you fucking filth monger!!
Thank god we escaped unharmed! My only regret is that Renee wouldn't let me mill around the store to see the two culprits exit the restroom.... to be continued...

Birthday Bits

Morning:
Woke up late on my bday morning and had a hard time opening my eyes... I finally pulled it together and we were off to visit my father at the hospital. Once we arrived Renee and I decided to take him for a walk. What is a better place then out in the Japanese Garden... well I guess I wasn't entertaining enough for Renee who veered off the pathway and started "off roading" with my overweight father, reclined in his wheel chair!!! Boy was she in for a surprise.. cause when a 250LB man gets moving.. HE GETS MOVING!!! I could hardly contain myself as her face filled with fear!! She tried slowing the speed demon chair down with no luck before one of the tires ripped off causing the wheel to roll on just the metal rim! She finagled a corner before grinding to a stop on uneven pavement!!!! At this point I was pissing my pants and my Dad... well Dad just liked to feel the wind in his hair :)

When I finally catch my breath I realize that we fucking need triple AAA to get this bitch moving but there is NO ONE around... Renee feels terrible and is totally embarrassed and so to punish me she says "well your just gonna have to push that thing!" Gathering all the strength I can muster, I bear down and begin to push as my father started yelling at me!! He was basically mushing me like a dog as the chair scraped along the sidewalk, with him reclined almost "lampin"...I was just waiting for sparks to start flying!! The chair became heavier and heavier and Dad was angrier and angrier which only made the situation funnier!!! I barely made it on the elevator with a group of strangers when Renee started getting the giggles... I was covered in sweat and my father kept saying "I'm all done!" whatever that means... ME TOO for that matter LOL!!! Trying to get off the elevator was even more treacherous because now the second fucking front wheel snapped off!! I have a group of strangers standing around me watching, my girlfriend laughing, my father yelling and not one fucker helping! We made it to the nurses station where I showed them the wheels...and they couldn't believe that I had made it back from "the gardens" as I entertained them with my story and sopping wet armpits!

Still was one the best parts of my day... :) Love you Dad!!

Rock N Bowl

Thirty three like the Smashing Pumpkins song.. thats how old a good friend of mine was turning when she invited me out to a bowling alley/karaoke birthday celebration.. how could I turn that down?? I mean bowling alleys are like the equivalent of a lesbian bar right?
She told me to meet up at 915pm (which when you are in your thirties is like 2am)and although I really wanted to wear my Paulette Rubchuck gold pants I passed and went with a more forgiving pair of jeans.
After renting our neon green foot disease Velcro shoes I touched my first ball in years...I mean I usually avoid balls at all cost but I was willing to make an exception this one time because these balls looked clean, were blue, moist AND had holes that allowed me to place three fingers inside!! Heaven!
After a couple games we made our way to the "Strike" lounge to watch some karaoke, but first I had to stop in the alley's welcoming bathroom. I knew I should have walked on by when I saw what appeared to be a cum shot on the smokey glass portion of the door but no I went in anyway. My friend took stall number one, stall number two door was closed with a sign that read "out of order" so that left me with lucky number three. I really had to go at this point so I quickly locked the door, slipped my pants down and started to pee... ho hum... as the pee flowed I scanned the beautiful decor which included a penis drawing, a tulip in marker and oh whats this on my sneaker?? Oh just an ant... JUST A couple hundred FUCKING ANTS!!!! Looking at the floor I saw thousands were running all over the floor and covered the ENTIRE tampon disposal box!!! (see drawing) Stomping my feet and screaming I was outta there!!! Pants still down and all.. Oh Christ!!!! Since when did ants start eating bloody vag packers and not crumbs?? WTF??
No sooner did I exit my stall when I heard something skipping across the tile floor and my friend in stall number one say "OH SHIT!" The button on her jeans had just popped off and skipped across the floor of this shit hole room.. her favorite jeans so we had to find this fucking button and began searching every inch of this truck stop abode when A HA I see a dark colored object on the floor in the "out of order" stall... I alert her to my discovery, which she blindly reaches to pick up what appears to be her button... then she says "OH GOD... OH GOD it's not my button its a HAIRBALL!" CLASSIC!!
After she cut off the tainted hand we quickly walked through the dark alley passing a vending machine containing only socks, sweatbands, gloves and some type of balm?? Where are the condoms and who the fuck comes to this place??

Mousercise

As I sat back last night to enjoy a cup of coffee on the couch my dog, Tucker, began acting suspicious. I tried to ignore the warnings and pass it off as him being a weirdo until I heard it too...

(Russel Russel)... Oh Jesus what the fuck is down here with me? Tucker was mostly obsessed with the dog crate in the corner of the room and the bed inside it. I instantly flashed back to last week when I was in the same room and heard a lot of scurrying..and realized now oh shit he found the culprit. So I did the usual and called Renee so that when I crept over to investigate I would not be alone so to speak...

Once I had her on the phone I quickly pulled the dog bed out of the crate so that there was nothing between me and the mouse but air so boy was I lucky when it ran up the side of the crate! Tucker quickly plucked it off the bars and threw it in the air!! Now I am screaming, running, dogs are barking, Renee is laughing (I'm pretty sure she put me on speaker phone at work) as Tucker made quick work of this sucker by biting it in half BUT NOT KILLING IT. PUKE!!!! The mouse began kicking its legs, its eye fell out and I was screaming at Tucker to stop as the little crime scene of blood and the eye grew larger on my precious hardwood floors!!

Always thinking, I grabbed the dust pan and tried to scoop up the kicking, bleeding, pirate (eyeless) mouse but the fucker kicked itself right toward my hand so I dropped it to the floor which to the dog meant "game on"! Tucker tossed its filthy, severed body in the air again and again! I grabbed the ENORMOUS broom and swept the carcase into the dust pan and then held it down with the bristles.

Cue the true adventure.. I now had to climb a flight of stairs holding a long ass broom that was pinning the tiny soon to be mouse corpse to the dust pan, negotiate a baby gate that was blocking the stairs only to get to the front door that was locked with 500 dead bolts, fucking Fort Knox! I literally had to hold the broom handle with my throat while I struggled one handed with the locks, mouse kicking, me screaming until finally the door opened!

I was sweating and struggling, which must be why I failed to notice my neighbor who was standing in front of my porch walking her pug as I smashed through the screen door and whipped the little corpse out the door and as far away from me as possible!! As the mouse sailed through the air, I heard my neighbor scream "NO" as it flew by inches from her face... and I simply closed the door! :)

Pregnancy Woes

So my pregnant sister's water broke at 3am this morning and she and her husband finally left for the hospital around 7am. After a work meeting I dragged my friend, Amarillo with me to visit her at the hospital.As we were driving to the hospital chit chatting about babies and mucus plugs she began to tell me a very disturbing story about her second son's birth.

The story started slowly as she eased into the drama... She was nervous because she was having a cesarean and her regular doctor was unavailable. She would have to settle for the on call dr. As the contractions/pain got worse her fear intensified and only got worse as she heard the sound of rubber tires skidding on tiles and turned just in time to see the doctor, who we will call Dr. Pierna, coasting into the room in a fucking WHEELCHAIR.

You see Dr. Pierna was a paraplegic, which I thought was perfect because his face would be perfectly level with her vagina. The Dr. introduced himself and quickly wheeled right into her snatch to assess the situation. While Dr. Pierna was busy down below she made eye contact with her husband and they quietly began to argue about getting another Dr. while her husband explained that you can't just request another Dr. because this ones legs don't work?! She was trapped!

As Dr. Pierna reversed out of her vag he announced it was time for the surgery! Terrified Amarillo blurted out "your gonna do it?!" He smile and nodded as he skidded over to the sink to wash up! A sheet was raised so that she would not have to see her internal organs, which I guess is normal procedure during cesarean births(puke). She was now helplessly watching, through the sheet as the silhouette of the Dr. Pierna climbed with just his elbows on top of the table at which time she forced herself to look away. As the procedure continued she felt a lot of pressure on her belly and legs. She quickly glanced down to see Dr. Pierna teetering on his elbows with all his body weight on her lower half!!!!! I think that sight alone caused her to loose consciousness!!!! Needless to say she had a happy healthy baby boy that was pulled out of her belly by the scruff of his neck by a crippled doctor's mouth!!
Fingers crossed that my nieces birth is just as entertaining!!!!