FIRST EUCHRIST

Raced home, changed out of my wet armpit shirt that I just had a haircut and worked all day in, to get redressed for my nieces first holy communion. As if I wasn't sweating enough, off to church Renee and I go...

We arrive 10 minutes late for 4:30pm mass and have to park six miles from the church entrance. (They like to keep the demons away!) As we approach the side door of the church I read the quote on the door out loud "Pray For Us." We look at each other possibly for any signs of smoke or flames as the two lesbians enter "God's house."
Mass had started and although I am wearing a pink button up shirt, knee high boots and black dress pants I am pretty sure that my faux hawk and mortal sin give me away immediately as a lesbo. Renee and I plant our asses behind a older couple (woman in scarf and balding husband) who turn as if they could smell our souls burning and she gave us the most disgusted look. Renee and I look at each other to make sure we don't have shit or better yet vaginas all over our faces, shrug and look back. Woman turns around again so disgusted by our presence that she then mouths something to her husband and starts plugging her ears? (Do dyke's make supersonic sounds like whales or something?) The third time the kooky bitch turns toward us I did what anyone would do... I placed both of my filthy vagina poking hands on the pew in front of us forcing the dumb bitch to have to arch her back to avoid touching my hand! Now we're laughing hysterically!! As the people in church finally stand for the first time I spot my sister up in the front and Renee and I bolt towards her leaving a trail of sin in our wakes...

We jump into the pew with them where I quickly assemble my camera to take pictures. I spot a holy roller in the corner next to the alter taking pictures so I break for her spot to get some good shots of my niece... The woman (older possibly a nun with a crewcut) pulls me into a dark hallway and scolds me for being in the front of the church and that photos from here are strictly forbidden before smiling, winking at me and saying but I really love your haircut! As she disappears into the shadowy room behind the alter I am left standing (basically in front of the entire congregation) thinking did a nun just fucking hit on me? I then dash back to my family to avoid further issues.

Mass drones on until Renee directs my attention to the woman a few pews away. She is about 65 years old in a dark purple valor suit with a gray mullet. But this just wasn't any mullet... this mullet had a fucking bald spot like a ring of fire or crown of thorns (whichever you prefer at this location) and a giant comb over. WTF is this? We were mesmerized until I spotted the woman two rows ahead of us with a nose that was so big she could probably smell the virgin Mary's perfume or semen on the alter boys breath!!

We escaped church just in time before we had to do "penis" pronounced penance!
Who knew church could be so fun and you get a snack!!!!!