My fiance Renee not only puts up with my antics and tolerates my intense sense of humor but is usually witness to all the bizarre shit that happens to me! However, yesterday she had a day all her own! Let's begin shall we...
After I left for work she woke up to the sound of sloppy liquid spilling out of the dog's mouth onto the floor. Our German shepherd, Bitang, likes to vomit (he may be bulimic) and does so in the corners of our bedroom in the tiny crevasse between the bureau and wall which makes for great acoustics as the hacking sound bounces off of the walls followed by the sound of bright yellow bile sloshing onto the floor! Up and at'em sweetheart!!
As she pops her contacts into her dry, tired eyes before cleaning up the pile of upchuck she remembers the bizarre dream she was in the middle of.. she dreamt that we had triplets. Three girls and that I had decided to cook them in corning ware and a red sauce (sounds delicious) at 375?! After they were cooked she removed their calcified corpses from the oven, peeled ("like an onion" she said:) open their skin to remove the child??? She said that as she was doing this in the dream she was thinking "fuck... she killed them" (OMG..... I thought I was the fucking kook in this relationship!!)
Later in the day she was off to pick up our niece, who is 11 months old, to babysit for the day. Once she had the baby she went about her daily activities, which included a trip to the vet with our chocolate Labrador, Citu. Once at the vet the exam goes on as normal until the vet begins explaining to her that Citu gets a lot of urinary track infections because she has issues with her vagina.. a distended vulva to be more specific. He then requested that Renee, who is holding a baby, get down on the floor while he lifted up Citu's leg and split her butt cheeks to fucking reveal the DISTENDED VULVA!!!!! (See picture!!!!) Renee couldn't believe that he was seriously requesting her to do this... she doesn't give a shit what a distended vulva looks like and sure as fuck wasn't going to put the babies face/head anywhere near the dog's vulva!! She furrowed her brow and kindly declined motioning toward the baby... so the Vet did what any "good" vet would do... he turned Citu around so that Renee could see her pink triangular shaped distended vulva from where she was sitting with the baby LOL!!!!!! Great.. he then offered a bunch of solutions including stitches or ointment *we were suppose to rub on??* Ahh never gonna happen!!!!!! We might be lesbians but WE HAVE LIMITS FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!!! We opted for a food that would reduce her urinary infections...duh...
She was quick to tell me these stories the second I got home from work and added that her day USUALLY gets MORE INTERESTING when I get home not BEFORE!!!! LOL!!!!!
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