Pregnancy Woes

So my pregnant sister's water broke at 3am this morning and she and her husband finally left for the hospital around 7am. After a work meeting I dragged my friend, Amarillo with me to visit her at the hospital.As we were driving to the hospital chit chatting about babies and mucus plugs she began to tell me a very disturbing story about her second son's birth.

The story started slowly as she eased into the drama... She was nervous because she was having a cesarean and her regular doctor was unavailable. She would have to settle for the on call dr. As the contractions/pain got worse her fear intensified and only got worse as she heard the sound of rubber tires skidding on tiles and turned just in time to see the doctor, who we will call Dr. Pierna, coasting into the room in a fucking WHEELCHAIR.

You see Dr. Pierna was a paraplegic, which I thought was perfect because his face would be perfectly level with her vagina. The Dr. introduced himself and quickly wheeled right into her snatch to assess the situation. While Dr. Pierna was busy down below she made eye contact with her husband and they quietly began to argue about getting another Dr. while her husband explained that you can't just request another Dr. because this ones legs don't work?! She was trapped!

As Dr. Pierna reversed out of her vag he announced it was time for the surgery! Terrified Amarillo blurted out "your gonna do it?!" He smile and nodded as he skidded over to the sink to wash up! A sheet was raised so that she would not have to see her internal organs, which I guess is normal procedure during cesarean births(puke). She was now helplessly watching, through the sheet as the silhouette of the Dr. Pierna climbed with just his elbows on top of the table at which time she forced herself to look away. As the procedure continued she felt a lot of pressure on her belly and legs. She quickly glanced down to see Dr. Pierna teetering on his elbows with all his body weight on her lower half!!!!! I think that sight alone caused her to loose consciousness!!!! Needless to say she had a happy healthy baby boy that was pulled out of her belly by the scruff of his neck by a crippled doctor's mouth!!
Fingers crossed that my nieces birth is just as entertaining!!!!

A Deep Clean

Anytime that I receive a text message from a female stating that they thought about me while in the shower brings a smile to my face. This next story is no different!

So a good friend of mine is in the shower yesterday rushing to get ready to go out. It was freezing yesterday so even though the heat was probably blaring in the bathroom cold weather can put a damper on anyones shaving experience. Any who my friend is in the shower washing when she decides to shave her lady parts. She grabs the shaving cream and gets a good lather going on her vag. She then takes her razor with a brand new head on it and slices into the overgrown jungle. As she shaves she is struck by the most awkward feeling, which she could only describe as burning yet refreshing at the same time. As she continued shaving the pain intensified and her pubic region began to glisten bright red and bleed! What the fuck was going on... she immediately rinsed her half shaven snatch as the burning brought her to her knees.. it was then that she realized her mistake.

While hunched over bleeding and in pain she observed the shaving cream can and its bright colors. As she turned the can to her surprise she realized that she had just shaved her vagina with Iso Active Aqua Toothpaste!!!! Her boyfriend said although her vag was patchy with hair it tasted very refreshing!! LOL

Game of Chance

While making my morning cup of java I was speaking with our secretary, Lora. Lora is normally very quite and the only time she gets up from her desk is for an occasional ciggy break.
Well today when I saw her she got silly and told me I was just the person she was looking for because she had a story for me. The smile stretched across my face as I poured the creamer into my coffee.
She started with the basics... that yesterday she and her husband took the day off and had gone to the casino for the holidays as her gift to him. Nothing kooky yet? She went on to say that she usually holds his money and distributes it in twenty dollar bills so that he doesn't blow through it.
After they arrived on the main floor of Fox woods she gave him his first twenty and told him that she would be playing Wheel of Fortune so when he needed more money that's where he could find her. He thanked her and disappeared into the crowd of gamblers. Lora wandered over to the slot machines only to find that her favorite machines, Wheel of Fortune, were already being used. Damn it. She then walked all the way to the opposite side of the casino and began to play.
Thirty minutes later she thought it was odd that her husband had not come to her for more money but assumed he must be winning where ever he was? Ten minutes later he appeared beat red and sweating.
He began his story with "Please God tell me I just asked you for twenty dollars" he asked her looking petrified. Shocked and concerned she told him no and wanted to know what was going on. Visibly shaken he sat down next to her and explained how he had burned all his money on one slot machine and then had wandered around trying to find her for more money. He finally found her at the Wheel of Fortune slot and walked up behind her and began rubbing her back. She said nothing. After a couple more minutes of back rubbing he asked her for twenty bucks and she faintly said "NO". Confused and thinking she was grumpy about losing he began massaging her shoulders and giving her pep talks. Again asked her for money but this time when she said No her voice was different. It sounded nervous... He leaned forward to find that THIS WAS NOT HIS WIFE and the woman he was touching was a complete stranger!!! He bolted across the casino before she had time to get the police!! What a filthy pig... wish I was at the casino yesterday!!! LOL

Vagina Floss

A friend of mine works at a well known bakery in the City of New Haven and recently shared an amazing story that happened to her with me. I could not resist but pass it along.
After a long day serving, coffee, muffins etc.. the line is finally winding down. My friend, "Judy", serves the last couple of patrons including a nicely dressed business woman with a briefcase on wheels. The woman orders a strong cup of java and possibly a muffin and then disappears to consume her purchases. "Judy" finishes up her daily routines as the patrons digest and begin to leave one by one.
Part of Judy's routines includes cleaning up/replenishing the ladies room, which is a single person bathroom. Judy walks over to the bathroom and pushes the door wide open surprising the business woman inside. The business woman is shocked by the intrusion (even though she failed to LOCK THE DOOR!!) She is standing in front of the sink with her skirt, pantyhose and underpants around her ankles, topless with a long sheet of paper towel between her legs making a motion that Judy could only describe as "flossing her vagina." Judy said excuse me and shut the door. She stood silently outside the bathroom pondering what she had just walked in on.
Moments later the business woman exited the bathroom at a quick pace, avoiding eye contact and dragging her little wheelie suitcase behind her!
Judy quickly returned to the bathroom to find it in complete shambles and worst of all.. that woman had left the filthy, used, sticky, hot, wet paper towel ON TOP OF THE TRASH CAN???
Couple of questions here... 1. Why the fuck do you take your shirt off to wash your snatch? 2. Of all things who lets their underpants/skirt etc touch a public bathroom floor? Your already topless just take that shit off! 3. I have been washing my own vagina for 31 years and I have never used the "floss" technique. Either this woman knows something I don't or there was more going on in that bathroom then we will ever know! (p.s. she was not wearing a mask with a zipper for a mouth) 4. Knowing that someone actually saw you using the paper towel on your lady parts maybe, just maybe, put it INSIDE THE GARBAGE CAN! And last but not least... LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR if your going to get all bajiggity with yourself at a bakery!

BiKrAm YoGa (let's get wet!)

So after a couple of months a friend finally talked me into trying Bikram Yoga. For those of you who don't know or care this is basically doing Yoga in a fucking oven.
The class room is heated to over 100 degrees and you are surrounded by mirrors, which would be great to check out your partially nude classmates if your eyes weren't burned shut from all the sweat pouring into them!
I convince my girlfriend to go with me. We arrive early as recommended and are now locked in the basement of a building which doubles as the oven. The studio finally opens we enter, fill out the required paper work and are basically told to get naked?! I like this place already!! While stripping off my clothes I notice that a man has walked in with a semi erect penis in light blue shorts and bigger breasts then me. The panic sets in... please god DO NOT let him be next to me!!! I mean I love breasts.. but not like that!!
We sit practically nude on leather chairs (which my thighs/ass stick to) make small talk with the other nudes and once the majority of people arrive we are lead into the oven.
The door opens and the smell of shoes and burned flesh fills my nostrils as I collapse onto my rented mat. I am so distracted by the fact that I am using a nasty rented yaga mat that I don't take time to locate the nearest exit. The poses begin! Basically I am in a porno. Lots of bare skin, breathing, stretching, sweating and of course vaginas. I think I have found my new niche!
The sweatier I get the nastier my mat and towel are to lay down on. One would think that I would have brought a clean towel to do yoga on in public but no.. where is the fun in that.. my sweaty body is now covered in my dogs hair which basically makes me appear to have extremely long pubic hairs all over my legs/belly and where ever else has touched the towel. I give a whole new meaning to the word HOT! I should probably add that I have cuts on both of my knees so I am wearing band aids and we all know how well those stick once they are completely saturated in sweat and blood. To sum it up I looked like a crack whore, which I might as well have been after all the fluids that were exchanged on that rented mat!!
It finally ended after an hour and 1/2. I exited the oven with soaking wet underpants and sports bra, which I was forced to drive home in for 20 minutes. I will probably get a yeast infection from sitting in wetness for that long but I am sure the white chunky yeast material that will pour out of my vag will only add to my yoga experience... esp since during several poses my face is mere inches from my vagina opening!

Truth Serum

Nothing beats a happy hour with a group of friends followed by a concert and more beer except the stories that the vicious truth serum known as alcohol illicit!
While consuming copious amounts of my favorite beverage with friends we discuss everything from giving ugly people oral sex to the most embarrassing moments of our lives. Lucky for us older peeps those years are FAR behind us!!
I wanted to share my two favorite stories from yesterday, obviously with holding the names of participants to secure their anonymity... that is until YOU join us for happy hour!
The first story involved a friend of mine who was in a relationship in college. Due to the fact that winter break was approaching and she would be separated from her boyfriend for about a month and half she decided to "give him something to remember her." This gift came in the form of a blow job. While in his dorm room waiting for his parents to arrive from out of state(and we all know how the feeling of pressure can add to these moments) she was giving it her all... so to speak. Picture lots of spit, hand and mouth action and we are gonna include possibly having an item of her clothing removed for good measure! Well as the act was coming to a head without warning his bedroom door slams open and his dad appeared in the threshold! Quickly my friend backed or crawled away from boyfriend and tried to act natural as he zipped up his fly and yelled at his dad for not knocking. The seconds turned into minutes and while trying to escape the situation she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She focused on her bright red lips and wet chin. Her stare into the mirror was broken by her boyfriend introducing her to his father. The father, being polite extended his right hand to shake hers which is when she realized that her right hand was completely saturated in spit. She quickly pulled back her right hand and gave him her left hand making this worlds most awkward handshake/moment of her life... SO FAR!! LOL
The runner up story was about another couple in college. Similar situation, boy is moving back out of state, girl is devastated and helping him back up his belongings. Almost everything is packed when his mother arrived except his bed. His mother, trying to be helpful made her way to the bed and began to remove the blanket/sheets etc... That is was when my friend came to the horrifying realization that the amazing going away sex they had the night before had left a huge period blood stain on his sheets!! She grabbed his hand as her eyes bulged out of her head and simulated the crime scene his mother was about to uncover! Running from the doorway he lunged into the air landing on the bed and ripping all blankets into the center!! Like he was gonna wash those sheets when he got home?! LOL

GyneCLOTogist

Yearly visits to the gyno come so quickly and some how I did not plan accordingly this year. Being in the "no pubic hair" club I have to time my shavings of that area to correspond with my appointments to avoid being either a stubbly mess or covered in razor bumps. Well I failed miserably. I timed my shavings too close together, causing me to not only have razor bumps but to actually shave the heads off of the razor bumps causing little bloody volcanoes to appear all over my vagina. H-O-T Now because I wear a thong to work I was actually tempted to stick little pieces of toilet paper to the bloody volcanoes to avoid bleeding all over my suit but thought how 80s.. so instead when I finished blow drying my hair I just blow dried my vagina, which dried all the blood into little black crusty mounds.

I worked a full day before heading to the appointment. When I got to the appointment I sat in the waiting room with the general rule of having two empty chairs between me and the other woman waiting. After a few minutes of her staring at me, I looked at her and smiled. She told me how much she loved my hair (which is a total faux hawk) and then decided to tell me that she was here for a bleeding issue?! She told me how she had passed a clot the size of a softball, which she demonstrated with her hands, and that when it hit the ground it didn't break it just jiggled. PUKE... I kept a straight face and nodded understandingly all the while thinking is that whats in the plastic bag on the floor near my shoe?

Finally I was called in. I was left in a room to change into the customary paper vest (opening in front) and a paper "wrap" which just fucking rips off the second you sit on the table. I immediately became stressed because all I could think about was 1. the fact that I had not washed my filthy, black blood crusted vagina since this morning and 2. A friend of mine who is a gynecologist in Canada had told me that the worst smell while doing an exam is dirty feet. Sooo what do I do?? I get up and begin smelling my sweaty socks as the nurse walks in! Excellent... I didn't even try to explain what I was doing, her facial expression spoke volumes. I dropped the socks and hopped up on the table ripping my "wrap" exposing my bum and tried to "act natural" as I noticed my crack whore toe nail polish to add insult to injury. After the vitals she bolted, probably to tell the other ladies about the kooky bitch smelling her socks with chipped nail polish. I killed the next few minutes by taking pictures of the beautiful table and lighting fixture to take my mind off the ice cold speculum that would soon be inside my body cavity.

My exam was quick (best Dr. ever) and I entertained her with the story about getting caught smelling my socks by the nurse. At the end of my appointment I asked the Dr. about my recent weight gain and she responded by asking me if I had discharge from my nipples? Ummm do those things usually go hand and hand? I mean I have never been so full that fat/grizzle has started oozing out of my nipples.. that I know of anyway? Feel free to weigh in on that issue...
Until next year!!

Last But Not Least...

The last two stories I am going to share from our vacation come from Rhodes, Greece. We went on a walking tour (even though someone was in a hovaround and several people had canes?) of Lindos, ancient ruins. And as if the ruins weren't captivating enough we had "hatchet face" from the movie Cry Baby on our tour as well. (Who knew she was gay?)

The day started with an hour long bus ride with people hacking mucus into tissues(tuberculosis was alive and well in Greece?)and me stressing about getting lice from the filthy head rest on the bus. The stress obviously subsided because when Renee woke me up we had arrived at the ruins.

The tour began with hike up 292 stairs, while our tour guide tells us that it hadn't rained here since May but should any day now and how treacherous the marble can become if it gets wet. Note none of the stairs (which are on the side of a cliff) have railings. Halfway up the cliff are men with donkeys so if your gout has acted up you can hitch a ride the rest of the way. We continued walking and listening to our guide drone on about rocks and the Greek language "hippo-hippopotamus/ hippodrome" etc... until finally we broke free and reached the top. Breath taking views and a man videotaping in our direction? I tell Renee to watch out so she walks to the left/right no... silly he was videotaping her? Is that customary in Europe? LOL spooky...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better as we clutched each others hands descended the treacherous "steps" we observed a couple from Spain who were so concerned that it was going to rain?? that they risked life and limb to put on clear parkas while descending the railing less cliff side stairs??? WTF??? It was so ridiculous that a Greek woman selling rugs on the way down said in broken English "No rain Madame" LOL So of course I made Renee pose with her! *See pic*

After we made it down the cliff we began our trek back to the bus only to spot the most beautiful part of Rhodes!! A woman, in a see thru wet moo moo, tucked under her mommy bags, wearing a thong bikini with a small child headed towards the ruins?! Talk about chaffing and child abuse... Jesus Christ *see picture*

The day was complete as we sipped Mythos Beers and exchanged stories with a couple who are the "dirty south" clones of us!! LOL CHEERS!!!!!

Week Re-Wind (1)

Early in the week we were off to sight see (which means raped/pillaged in Turkish) we head to all the "hot spots" that Turkey had to offer. Renee, my tour guide/organizer/girlfriend, had an itinerary for us to follow, which of course included hitting EVERY bathroom in Istanbul.
My personal favorite was the bathroom where we paid fifty cents for A piece of toilet paper and descended into I guess the actual sewage pipes of olden day Turkey? There was a line, it was dark/damp/stunk and we were the only Americans waiting to use this particular bathroom (wish I had a scarf to protect my face!), which should have been our first clue. Once it was my turn I opened my stall and discovered that someone must have stolen my fucking toilet because there was just a hole in the ground with ceramic (I presume the missing toilet's base) around it? While figuring out how to pee, everyone else's pee on the floor was sopped up by the bottom of my jeans. I pulled a muscle as I squatted over the "toilet" and of course bracing myself on the filthy walls ruined my ONE SHEET of toilet paper...I could hear Renee laughing from outside the door as I said my first Islamic prayer..or at least all Islamic! LOL
We were cut in line and collected foot diseases at the blue mosque, totally in awe of the cistern and thirsty as all hell when we arrived for actual belly dancers at dinner.
The only thing that topped our site seeing adventure was collecting our luggage to board our cruise ship and as we stood chatting with strangers I realized that one of our bags was vibrating? I thought that's weird I thought our phones were in Renee's purse... then it hits me that ITS OUR FUCKING VIBRATOR INSIDE THE BAG!!!!! LOL!!!! I was laughing so hard as I tried to nonchalantly turn off the vibrator while Renee tried to distract our audience!!!!! This shit only happens to us! And thank god I packed extra batteries!!!
To be continued...

Lets talk Turkey

This vacation/mission in life begin with several horrific experiences at JFK airport.
We hop on the air train to get to our gate only to find that our terminal was closed so we had to hike three miles, outside with 5 bags to get to the bag check line.

After checking our bags I raced to the bathroom (last time at JFK I had to pee outside). Waited in line and as I hoovered over the pot.. I heard the quick pace of footsteps and a snip it of a quick coversation followed by my door jiggling from the stall door next to it being slammed?. Whats going on.. I heard the person start peeing and then a break.. followed by a huge heave and chunks splashing into the water. Okay I am outta here. I flush, exit and make the stupid mistake of looking at
"that stall" in the mirror only to see the woman in there bent over puking her brains out with her pants down to her ankles and her bare ass smashed into the cold hard steel of the stall wall!! OMG!!!!

Once on the smallest flight ever to cross the Atlantic we were totally surrounded by Kooks? The man in front of us was obese, we would have it no other way, and when he reached up into the overhead compartment revealing his cheese covered underbelly the smell that escaped caused Renee and I to dry heave. And he constantly "needed" something/anything out of that goddamn compartment! Have a seat tubby your making us sick.

Oh speaking of sick... who the fuck gets explosive diaherrea on a plane?? ME thats who.. violent shit (bats out of a cave) on a flight, in a bathroom 2x3 feet with a mirror so that I can watch my own horrific expressions. I start thinking it can't get any worse than this it did... when the shit flew out of my ass it didnt totally make it into the toilet but actually smeared on the toiolet seat and as luck would have it onto my WHITE T-SHIT.. I mean shirt! At least we didnt have to smell fat ass anymore, we would only be smelling MY ASS. If I wasn't in a totally foreign country I might have been embarrassed but at this point (3hrs into a 10hr flight) I could care less.

Shit stained and sick I crawl back to my seat and explain the doody on my shirt to my girlfriend who gives me the most troubled look. I then take a dose of meds to knock myself out which would have been great if the asshole two rows over didnt have his music so fucking loud... I swear to christ I felt like I was at a rave! I was already sweating and feeling sick all I needed was a bottle of water and glow sticks!

Turkey welcomed us with two twin beds, instead of a king, and bathroom from hell. While Renee went down to the lobby to find out what was up with the beds I went to the bathroom only to be surprised by attempting to flush and getting splashed in the bum by the bidah. WHOOO HOOO...
Renee returned, hotel is packed so we were off to our rectory quarters...I passed out at 3pm Turkey time and woke up at 9am Turkey time... All I need is some Turkish beer and this train wreck has arrived!!!!