Vermont

Chapter 1
Long car rides always begin with ridiculous games including my personal favorite 10,000 dollar pyramid. For this game you use one word descriptors to describe the most hideous people you know! If used properly can provide hours of entertainment…
The rest stop had 100 stalls but of course only two were unoccupied and/or working. Renee stole the first and only clean one and I was forced to use the only one left.
I locked myself into the stall that we will call “the widow maker” and glanced into the toilet. The bowl was full of nasty brownish/green water with little flakes of shit pieces floating in it. With no recourse, I gave it a flush and tried to shield my face from the splashing excrement coming out of the bowl, only to have the bowl re-fill with more of this contaminated water and fecal debris.
I turned away from the bowl as if not looking at the rancid water would make using this toilet any less horrific.
I barely escaped the stall as Renee asked me if I had read about the toilet water and went on to explain how it is reused waste water with a green dye added so you know not to drink it?!
Are you fucking kidding me Vermont?? Are we that "green" that we need to strain out pieces of crap in toilet water and re-use it? And then add a dye to it so you know not to drink it?? Who the fuck drinks out of toilets... AT REST STOPS???
As our luck goes... Wu-Tang cuts his foot had to get four stitches putting him out of commission. We get to our hotel to drop off our bag and Wu-tangs leather leashes, muzzles and electric collar... As we are leaving the room I feel a stare and turn to make eye contact with the house keeper who appeared completely perplexed and disgusted that two adult woman were sharing a room with only a king bed?! I couldn’t resist…I licked my lips gave her a quick wink and mouthed the words "oh yeah" as Renee closed the door completely unaware of my antics.
I couldn't help but chuckle as we walked to the car thinking how that woman is really going to think we are freaks when she sees all that leather apparatus and electric shock collar. NOTE SHE DID NOT SEE THE DOG!!
To be continued...

Fecophiliac

For months and months I had the same routine...wash my face and then dry it on the towel hanging in bathroom from Renee's shower. I also would wipe my mouth on said towel after brushing my teeth.
I was always getting cold sores, sinus infections and hives and just thought that I was one of those people prone to getting sick... Not like hypochondriac person I mean like visual sores that you could see and tasted like blood on my face. I know sounds H-O-T HOT!
Well one morning well doing my morning routine... Renee happened to wonder into the bathroom as I wiped my face on the towel. Her jaw dropped and her eyes bulged out of her head. She said "do you always do that?" I was like "do what? Use your towel? Yeah.." She started laughing and screaming at me that after she uses the towel she wipes down the entire bathroom INCLUDING THE TOILET (seat/under seat) with her towel before hanging it to dry.
My mouth instantly went dry and all the pieces fell into place. I wasn't a sickly person I was slowly being poisoned by my own fecal matter that I was routinely smearing on my face and mouth before starting my day!?
Now who wants to make out... I should add that since this revelation I haven't had any said "outbreaks"!! Thanks lover...

ShiTasTic

After starting my diet balls to the wall Saturday I had only been eating bran, protein shakes, fruit and veggies so when I got to work Monday morning with some stomach pains and gas I thought nothing of it.
Around 9am the pains intensified to the point that I was sneaking off to the less used bathroom to pee in case a fart snuck out.
By 11am I had undone my belt at my desk and stopped chatting with co-workers in order to concentrate on not shitting at work...the ultimate no, no for women.
At 1pm I barely made it to the 1st stall in the most used bathroom right outside my office. I was hunched over with my pants to my ankles in a full sweat. I was trying desperately not to shit at work but the pains were so intense! I started getting that weird shiver thing that makes you contort like you have a tick and realizing the end was near I took a huge amount of toilet paper and covered my asshole to muffle the noise!!
It was too late!! My clammy hands were gripping my naked thighs, sweat dripping in my eyes as the shit violently shot out of my ass. I heard the door open to the main hallway and someone come in the bathroom as more gas seeped out like a balloon letting out air followed by the undeniable splatter of diarrhea in the toilet... The footsteps stopped dead and then the same high heeled footsteps double timed it out of the bathroom... I yelled out "sorry" but I doubt she could hear me over the sonic booms!!
I started rocking back and forth trying to work the gas out of my stomach but all it did was cause more velocity to build and turn my asshole into a salad shooter minus the salad.
After a good 1/2 hour of non stop diarrhea I had the mission of trying to wipe up the mess the best I could when your shit is the consistency of warm tar and the toilet paper is like sandpaper. Three rolls of toilet paper later I emerged from the bathroom... pale and unsteady...
I found my boss and barely got the words out as I left an hour early. The 20 minute ride home was done in 1/2 the time because I knew the amount of damage that would be caused if I shit my pants with only a thong on... it would be like flossing or diverting the major chunks while my pants slowly filled with shit.
Made it home and sprinted with my pants undone from my car to the front door... which was locked... at this point every part of my body was sweating (I felt like those girls in horror movies trying to get the keys in the lock before they get murdered) I had nervous keys and was shaking trying to unlock the door...alls well that ends well.. and on a positive note I think I lost five pounds!!

Bush Wacker

Last summer my girlfriend and I bought the bikini wax that was recommended from a friend and veteran waxer. We opened the package, which had NO WARNINGS, heated it up in the microwave and stirred it with the miniature paint stirrer that came with it.
The wax looked creamy and soft. It was not smoking or bubbling and showed no sign of the fact that it was now 1,000 degrees. As Renee splattered the piping hot concoction on my vagina my eyes bulged as I realized that I had made a terrible decision. The scorching hot wax not only burned my vulva, it dried instantly and I could almost smell chicken cooking as my vagina sizzled. Of course I had told Renee to start with the most tender area of my vagina... the part nearest the opening. As she ripped off the wax, hair, skin and part of my labia I quietly begged for a piece of leather to bare down on. I refused to cry out in pain so as not to scare Renee because I wanted to wax her.
As I stared at the piece of wax now laying on the floor covered in pubic hair, skin and labia I told Renee it would probably be best if we went every other one... like taking turns. She agreed and I quickly splattered the liquid acid on her vagina! She screamed and began to back away from me. I tried to grab for her hand but she was already bent forward covering herself with her hand. Unfortunately for her she had bent forward while the wax was still wet and she had now adhered her thigh/stomach skin to the quickly drying wax on her vagina. She was frantic screaming my name and begging me... which as sick as I am was slightly arousing. I explained that I now had to pull it off.
I grabbed onto the tiny corner of the hardened wax that had now attached her vagina to her legs and belly and pulled hard ripping out the hair and breaking off the wax. She did what anyone dating ME would do...got angry and quickly slapped more smoking hot wax on my vagina... this war continued until we were so burned and covered in wax that we could do nothing more then lay on our kitchen floor wearing nothing but t-shirts, tube socks and large sections of dry wax. We discussed ways of getting the wax off of our baby makers without having to pull it off.
I came up with the perfect solution. We should just shower with super hot water, thinking it would heat up the wax enough to release it form our engorged vaginas. It sounded like a good idea...right? As we burned ourselves in the shower it became obvious that the wax was basically cement... once hardened fucking forget it. I ended up shaving the majority of the wax off of both of our vaginas. 3 razor heads later we were free!
So why did I decide to do it again this summer? Who knows? But deciding to grow out my pubic hair weeks in advance was just plain CRAZY. After two weeks I didn't even recognize my vagina. All I needed was a plate in my lip or flies on my face and I would have been a shoe in to be on the cover of the National Geographic Magazine. Stay tuned for the dramatic outcome! P.s. masturbation is kinda weird these days... It’s like being with a different woman and Renee is coughing up hairballs!

Deuces WILD

From the sound of my girlfriends laughter on the phone today I new her story was going to be blog worthy.
Today she was training her dog outside drinking tons of water when she realized she had to pee. She packed up her stuff and drove to the nearest bathroom at a local police substation. There were no cars parked outside the substation but probation officers were in the lobby. She raced passed them and into the handicap woman's bathroom.
As she opened the door she observed a police gun belt a strewn on the floor. Her eyes then paned over to the toilet where she saw a male police officer with his pants/underpants down to his ankles, standing slightly hunched forward with toilet paper in his hand mid wipe of his ass after shitting. Their eyes met and locked like a deer in headlights as his mouth formed a perfect circle. The stare down lasted for 30 seconds enough for her to take in the "hole" scene.
I asked how the showdown ended and she said that she was able to break the stare, scream and run out to the probation officers, who were pissing their pants laughing. They said, "he's been in there forever!" After all was said and done she had two questions... 1. Why the hell is he dropping a deuce in the woman's room? 2. Who the fuck wipes standing up?

Ladies Room

My work bathroom is disgusting because I have experienced the following:
5. Walked in on someone vomiting with the stall door open. People bulimia is not the solution to weight loss because if your fat ass couldn’t get a date before imagine your chances with puke breath and rotten teeth.
4. Witnessing someone drop an open tampon on that filthy floor and say "whoops" and pick it up and use it. Ladies they are called "sanitary" for a reason and the floor in that bathroom is anything BUT sanitary. I haven't seen that hand at work so I wonder if she vanished after contracting the clap or some other hideous disease from the floor.
3. Pubic hairs scattered about on the toilet seat and/or floor. Public rest rooms ARE NOT the place for pubic hair maintenance. Esp. when I happen to be one of the lone soldiers who SITS on the toilet seat...and yes I have actually leaned down nice and close to the bowl to blow the stray pubic hairs off of the seat...thank god they didn’t stick to my chap stick!
2. Having someone excuse themselves when they fart in the bathroom stall. Umm it’s not only embarrassing for you but for everyone else in the bathroom.. just pretend it didn't happen, use the flush method or strengthen your anus to help contain unwanted noises.
1. And the number 1 thing that I experienced was being in the bathroom with a "secret shitter" and having someone turn off the lights. Me and the shitter alone in the pitch black followed by the shitter saying something along the lines of "how am I suppose to do this in the dark?" followed by the crispy crispy sound of the shit coming out of their asshole. PUKE
God bless the handicap bathrooms even if you occasionally make someone in a wheelchair wait.

Tia Maria (oldie but goodie)

It was a Saturday night in the winter of my youth when Dayna and I decided to steal booze from my dad's liquor cabinet. There were barely any bottles we hadn't swiped so we were left with the Tia Maria.
The bottle had been sticky at one point and was now covered in dust that was glued to the bottle. Dayna gave me an unsure look but I shrugged and began twisting the top... twist twist twist... pull? The cap had a f*cking cork attached and the lip of the bottle had congealed liquor all over it. I quickly shoved the cork back in and we split.
As Dayna drove into the sticks to pick up Kim I decided f*ck it, and popped the top of Tia Maria. The cap came off easy this time because the nasty pink stained cork had broken off and was now wedged into the neck of the bottle. Dayna was like great now what are we going to drink. At that moment I shoved the cork into the bottle. PLINK... the cork disintegrated immediately. We both were disgusted and I placed the filthy little bottle on the floor with the cap gingerly on top.
Once we arrived at Kim's house in the woods we could see her running at a full sprint towards the car and yelling "Open the door! Open the door" with her dad on her heels. I reached back and popped the rear door on the Jetta. She dove in and screamed "GO!!!" We were off leaving her father in the road with his fists up in the air. We never even asked what the f*ck was going on we just drove in silence through the pitch black woods. After a couple minutes, when Kim finally caught her breath she asked... "do we have anything to drink?" Dayna and I looked at each other and I smiled reaching for the disgusting bottle on the floor.
I passed it back without even looking at Kim. I heard her say in the darkness "this bottle is all sticky?" and Dayna and I just stared straight ahead. In the blackness I heard the swish of the liquid followed by a gag/cough as she said "oh my god! Something touched my lips!" I tried to act natural and said "it's just the cork." She was like "The cork? What is this stuff?" I told her "it's like a Jamaican Cherry Cordial" Dayna and I politely refused taking pulls from the bottle as we drove into civilization. At the first red light Kim popped her head between the two front seats chatting and when I turned and looked at her I could see that the nasty congealed liquor had stained her mouth/upper lip bright red. I was like "Jesus Kim" and she looked in the rear view mirror and said "what the f*ck is this sh*t Jamaican lipstick?"
Needless to say that bottle followed us for the rest of the night and into several hands...the last set of hands, which were urine soaked and belonged to my friend Eric, grabbed my face to say goodnight he had no clue he had pissed all over himself...ahhh Tia Maria you filthy whore!!

Ultra Violet Astronomy

U.V.A. is a band out of Brooklyn that we recently spent hours in traffic going to see. My girlfriend and I sat in the back of our friends family truckster where car seats usually are. I had dirty napkin pieces stuck to my hand and the Muppet "Animal" staring at my vagina. It felt like home.
No a/c in the car during a heat wave is much like making out with someone with a cleft pallet.. it just doesn't work. We were soaked with sweat and I think some guy pissed off an overpass into/onto the car because a warm vinegar liquid went in my mouth and coated the windshield.
The piss was nothing that Dixon Place and a little luke warm bourbon and PBR couldn't handle, it was the f*cking band that couldn't be dealt with. U.V.A. consists of two individuals one of which had terrible hair, skin tight black ankle hugger jeans and black pumps to boot! It was like 1984, and anyone who lived through the 80s knows its best to leave them..IN THE PAST! As I watched her dance completely off key I thought could anything be worse then this?? And then I overheard that the 6 month old baby behind me (yes in a bar/concert) was named "Kool" like the cigarettes.. Really people?
We bolted like a whore in church when it ended.. long ride home.. arrived at around 4am exhausted, but our night was not over. The stench of stomach acid and crap stung our faces as we came in the house. Our dog had sh*t 14 gallons of pea soup sh*t EVERYWHERE. I made the fateful mistake of attempting to clean up his crate with only the hall light on. I reached in and could feel the chunks rise as I grabbed his bed and felt the sh*t climb up past my wrists. Lucky I have short finger nails!

Adventures in Abortion-Sitting

This week was most interesting so I will try to squeeze in one of the stories to start this blog:
Week started with traveling to a hospital to pick up a fetus in a mason jar for DNA testing...don't ask. It was 100+ degrees so I can't put into words how excited I was to have to pick up rotting flesh and transport it. After parking illegally almost getting hit by a car and asked "what chu want?" by a security guard.. I quickly made it into the facility. I sat quietly in a room with a blue carpet that had huge blood stains. While I was reminding myself to throw out my shoes a women entered with a f*cking CLEAR MASON JAR with the "specimen" in it and tried to hand it to me.. Really. Hand it, no gloves.. raw? PUKE so I did what any responsible person would do.. I pointed to my co-worker that was with me! We left with a bling smile and wink from the security guard and climbed into an elevator from 1961. The doors closed with me, Wendy, fetus and unknown woman inside. And that was it the door was closed but we weren't moving...stuck in an elevator, in the heat, with a stranger and dead fetus. We began to panic and then I said "well, at least we have food" and stared at the fetus in the CLEAR mason jar. The unknown woman, who we will call "Concepcion" did not smile and avoided eye contact for the rest of our 2 minute adventure.
The ride back to the city was uneventful except that the rotten red fetus fluid leaked out of the jar and looked like Chinese spare ribs.. and Wendy exclaimed "oh god I think I saw an arm!" I told her before we even started driving that I was concerned about the transport because we did not have a car seat? Evil Smile... she shook her head. We dropped off our new buddy and I lopped off my hands at the wrists.