Road Trip!

Sometimes we have to travel for my job so when my partner Detective Hollie asked me to accompany her to a special "home for children" in Great Barring ton Massachusetts I didn't hesitate to assist her.
As we climbed in our piece of shit work Chevy (held together with bubblegum and duct tape) I realized that my door would not fully close and so decided it was best to lock it to prevent falling out. We gun it up on the highway where the transmission immediately slips and we both brace ourselves.
As the ride went on we had several filthy discussions and then the usual religion v.s. being a homosexual basically because Hollie is religious and I am a homo. After over an hour of driving my kidneys were about to fail and we were hungry. Hollie informed me that "she knows the area" because she grew up here? Ok...
We pull off the highway in some hick town and I immediately feel my vag tighten from stress.. I know what happens to my kind here.. Hollie attempts to reassure me as we walk into a diner of sorts. The place has tile floor, wood rafters, a homemade sign reading CASH ONLY and a shitload of spooky locals. I swear to god the record skipped when we walked in.
Hollie made a b line for the first available booth while I stood trying to conquer my fight or flight response. The waitress, a pretty girl with a strong accent (obviously a mail order bride) approaches and I quickly feel the pain of my kidney's need a bathroom.. She directs me through the long dining room to a small meatbox next to the kitchen.. As I head toward the commode I hear her ask Hollie if we are eating here or taking it to go.. She politely says "For here!" UGH....
As I get closer to the meatlocker bathroom/kitchen the tile floor becomes extremely slippery with grease and possibly Vaseline (or some other clear lube)?? I avoid eye contact with the cook who is staring at my faux hawk and stirring some god awful concoction. Without pausing to take a look into the meatlocker bathroom I go in and close the hollow door. The lock is broken. (Not that you couldn't just snap the paper mache door in two?) The bathroom has a wall of mirrors (like a shattered one) a yellow carpet, shit covered plunger and a trash bin with a tampon protruding... Excellent.. and to make matters worse I have no time to make a nest so I just plop my poor bare thighs down on the filthy toilet seat.. The fluid pours out of my vagina at a velocity so violent that I think I took off some of the hard water stains in the bowl!! Ahhh relief.. I scan the room and locate a sheet of toilet paper, thank god! Wipe, stand, pull up pants turn and try to flush... NOTHING! The flusher had like no resistance and the water didn't even ripple... Now because my pee is basically clear I debated about fishing out the one sheet of toilet paper and just pretending nothing had happened?? My better judgement told me just to walk away. I exit the room to find the cook staring at me smiling a toothless smile.. he has a beard and is actually wearing a fucking bloody apron?? WHERE AM I??
I quickly find my seat. Food comes.. we start devouring it as quick as possible to make our escape when a man in a tricolor sombrero enters and nobody is even remotely intrigued. This has to be the oddest town I have ever been in. We finish eating and I bolt to the register/cutting board to pay while Hollie snaps a picture of sombrero man (see photo with me paying in background!)
Back on the road again Hollie starts telling me tales of the area and how she got her license at that diner?? She is so carried away texting while driving that she doesn't see tha we are now heading straight for oncoming traffic! I suggest she pay attention... we drive a few more miles before she pulls into a fucking truckstop in the middle of the woods?! Who's up for being raped and pillaged?? Of course there is a truck here, with a man standing outside taking a piss or playing with himself who I am staring at as she texts like a mad woman. I ask if we could possibly go to another location because the man has now spotted us, stopped peeing and I believe he started putting a condom on! Hollie finally sees him and we peel out!! SAFE...for now...
Road after road and woods after woods we arrive at what I thought was a closed mental hospital with children standing outside (obviously over medicated.) We park and the second the car is turned off I hear violent screaming. A large angry child is having a mental break and is being restrained by two grown men, who appear to be losing the battle which is all happening on the front porch. The girl spots me and immediately starts spitting in our direction and yelling "I am gonna kill you, you white bitch!!" Well that was comforting.. like being back in New Haven!
We talk briefly with what appears to be a pedophile therapist (who constantly flips his hair?) and our loon of a kid who plays with scissors and talks about dead birds before we made our escape.. and people say I' crazy!!
The hospital must have sparked some memories for Hollie who entertained me on the ride home with stories about and I quote "you know like when you kill your dog?" Sorry.. whats that.. in between giggles she tells me how when she bought her new house and her old dog kept pooping and peeing everywhere so she went out and bought sleeping pills and then hand fed the dog the entire box of Unisom.. put him on his bed in front of the fire and told him what a good dog he had been and went off to bed. She expected to find his little corpse in the morning but HE SURVIVED!!! And was extremely well rested!!! WHAT A FUCKING RIDE!!!!

A Day in the Life

My fiance Renee not only puts up with my antics and tolerates my intense sense of humor but is usually witness to all the bizarre shit that happens to me! However, yesterday she had a day all her own! Let's begin shall we...

After I left for work she woke up to the sound of sloppy liquid spilling out of the dog's mouth onto the floor. Our German shepherd, Bitang, likes to vomit (he may be bulimic) and does so in the corners of our bedroom in the tiny crevasse between the bureau and wall which makes for great acoustics as the hacking sound bounces off of the walls followed by the sound of bright yellow bile sloshing onto the floor! Up and at'em sweetheart!!

As she pops her contacts into her dry, tired eyes before cleaning up the pile of upchuck she remembers the bizarre dream she was in the middle of.. she dreamt that we had triplets. Three girls and that I had decided to cook them in corning ware and a red sauce (sounds delicious) at 375?! After they were cooked she removed their calcified corpses from the oven, peeled ("like an onion" she said:) open their skin to remove the child??? She said that as she was doing this in the dream she was thinking "fuck... she killed them" (OMG..... I thought I was the fucking kook in this relationship!!)

Later in the day she was off to pick up our niece, who is 11 months old, to babysit for the day. Once she had the baby she went about her daily activities, which included a trip to the vet with our chocolate Labrador, Citu. Once at the vet the exam goes on as normal until the vet begins explaining to her that Citu gets a lot of urinary track infections because she has issues with her vagina.. a distended vulva to be more specific. He then requested that Renee, who is holding a baby, get down on the floor while he lifted up Citu's leg and split her butt cheeks to fucking reveal the DISTENDED VULVA!!!!! (See picture!!!!) Renee couldn't believe that he was seriously requesting her to do this... she doesn't give a shit what a distended vulva looks like and sure as fuck wasn't going to put the babies face/head anywhere near the dog's vulva!! She furrowed her brow and kindly declined motioning toward the baby... so the Vet did what any "good" vet would do... he turned Citu around so that Renee could see her pink triangular shaped distended vulva from where she was sitting with the baby LOL!!!!!! Great.. he then offered a bunch of solutions including stitches or ointment *we were suppose to rub on??* Ahh never gonna happen!!!!!! We might be lesbians but WE HAVE LIMITS FOR CHRIST SAKES!!!!! We opted for a food that would reduce her urinary infections...duh...

She was quick to tell me these stories the second I got home from work and added that her day USUALLY gets MORE INTERESTING when I get home not BEFORE!!!! LOL!!!!!

FIRST EUCHRIST

Raced home, changed out of my wet armpit shirt that I just had a haircut and worked all day in, to get redressed for my nieces first holy communion. As if I wasn't sweating enough, off to church Renee and I go...

We arrive 10 minutes late for 4:30pm mass and have to park six miles from the church entrance. (They like to keep the demons away!) As we approach the side door of the church I read the quote on the door out loud "Pray For Us." We look at each other possibly for any signs of smoke or flames as the two lesbians enter "God's house."
Mass had started and although I am wearing a pink button up shirt, knee high boots and black dress pants I am pretty sure that my faux hawk and mortal sin give me away immediately as a lesbo. Renee and I plant our asses behind a older couple (woman in scarf and balding husband) who turn as if they could smell our souls burning and she gave us the most disgusted look. Renee and I look at each other to make sure we don't have shit or better yet vaginas all over our faces, shrug and look back. Woman turns around again so disgusted by our presence that she then mouths something to her husband and starts plugging her ears? (Do dyke's make supersonic sounds like whales or something?) The third time the kooky bitch turns toward us I did what anyone would do... I placed both of my filthy vagina poking hands on the pew in front of us forcing the dumb bitch to have to arch her back to avoid touching my hand! Now we're laughing hysterically!! As the people in church finally stand for the first time I spot my sister up in the front and Renee and I bolt towards her leaving a trail of sin in our wakes...

We jump into the pew with them where I quickly assemble my camera to take pictures. I spot a holy roller in the corner next to the alter taking pictures so I break for her spot to get some good shots of my niece... The woman (older possibly a nun with a crewcut) pulls me into a dark hallway and scolds me for being in the front of the church and that photos from here are strictly forbidden before smiling, winking at me and saying but I really love your haircut! As she disappears into the shadowy room behind the alter I am left standing (basically in front of the entire congregation) thinking did a nun just fucking hit on me? I then dash back to my family to avoid further issues.

Mass drones on until Renee directs my attention to the woman a few pews away. She is about 65 years old in a dark purple valor suit with a gray mullet. But this just wasn't any mullet... this mullet had a fucking bald spot like a ring of fire or crown of thorns (whichever you prefer at this location) and a giant comb over. WTF is this? We were mesmerized until I spotted the woman two rows ahead of us with a nose that was so big she could probably smell the virgin Mary's perfume or semen on the alter boys breath!!

We escaped church just in time before we had to do "penis" pronounced penance!
Who knew church could be so fun and you get a snack!!!!!

Birthday Bits 3 (last but not least)

After our exhausting visit with Dad, shopping and the Walmart shitting experiences Renee and I made our way home. We showered and got all fancy for my big birthday dinner at an Italian Bistro.

We arrived at the packed restaurant and lucky us got seated right next to the bar where some fatty was tying desperately to impress this poor woman at the end of the bar who kept frantically texting!! (I can only imagine her friends were running late?) I wonder if he thought she was deaf and not ignoring him because his voice just kept getting louder and louder...

We ordered our food and as we sipped our beers we decided to play one of our favorite games as a couple. The 10,000 Pyramid Game, rules are very similar to the actual game show we just like to use people we know as the victims...I mean answers :) Renee was guessing first so here is her clue... I make a distorted face described as my mouth partially open, my eyes half shut and my lips dangling (Note a rule is that WE BOTH KNOW THE PERSON!!!) She struggles for a minute staring at me and YES I continue to sit at the table across from her with that fucking ridiculous expression on my face when she finally makes her guess.... "Gee I don't know...your Dad?" LLLLLOOOOOLLL!!!!!!!!

As we pulled ourselves back together our appetizer arrived. Calamari with a blood red sauce and chunks of peppers...that must have been what inspired me to tell the next story...
A story that my anonymous good friend Greg C. told me. First I have to set the scene for her as she dips the squid in the putrid looking sauce: Greg his wife and two daughters went on a cruise recently and they had a great time EXCEPT for this little problem. All four of them shared an indoor cabin with two twin beds, a pop up cot between the two twins and bunk off to the side. Greg slept in one twin bed his wife slept in the other and his daughters would rotate who slept between them and who slept in the bunk... Well one night Greg rolls over in his sleep and accidental punched his daughter right in the face! She started screaming!! Her nose was gushing so much blood that she vomited... his wife wakes up hears her crying and hits the light to find this horrific scene and promptly passes out!! Not to worry because by that point Greg..oh wait...never mind he slept through it!! The rest of the trip went off without a hitch except that every night after that the girls would cry that they didn't want to sleep next to daddy!!

Cheers!! Thank you all for making this an unforgettable birthday!!!! I am now officially "thirty two little too late!" LOL!!!!!!!