GyneCLOTogist

Yearly visits to the gyno come so quickly and some how I did not plan accordingly this year. Being in the "no pubic hair" club I have to time my shavings of that area to correspond with my appointments to avoid being either a stubbly mess or covered in razor bumps. Well I failed miserably. I timed my shavings too close together, causing me to not only have razor bumps but to actually shave the heads off of the razor bumps causing little bloody volcanoes to appear all over my vagina. H-O-T Now because I wear a thong to work I was actually tempted to stick little pieces of toilet paper to the bloody volcanoes to avoid bleeding all over my suit but thought how 80s.. so instead when I finished blow drying my hair I just blow dried my vagina, which dried all the blood into little black crusty mounds.

I worked a full day before heading to the appointment. When I got to the appointment I sat in the waiting room with the general rule of having two empty chairs between me and the other woman waiting. After a few minutes of her staring at me, I looked at her and smiled. She told me how much she loved my hair (which is a total faux hawk) and then decided to tell me that she was here for a bleeding issue?! She told me how she had passed a clot the size of a softball, which she demonstrated with her hands, and that when it hit the ground it didn't break it just jiggled. PUKE... I kept a straight face and nodded understandingly all the while thinking is that whats in the plastic bag on the floor near my shoe?

Finally I was called in. I was left in a room to change into the customary paper vest (opening in front) and a paper "wrap" which just fucking rips off the second you sit on the table. I immediately became stressed because all I could think about was 1. the fact that I had not washed my filthy, black blood crusted vagina since this morning and 2. A friend of mine who is a gynecologist in Canada had told me that the worst smell while doing an exam is dirty feet. Sooo what do I do?? I get up and begin smelling my sweaty socks as the nurse walks in! Excellent... I didn't even try to explain what I was doing, her facial expression spoke volumes. I dropped the socks and hopped up on the table ripping my "wrap" exposing my bum and tried to "act natural" as I noticed my crack whore toe nail polish to add insult to injury. After the vitals she bolted, probably to tell the other ladies about the kooky bitch smelling her socks with chipped nail polish. I killed the next few minutes by taking pictures of the beautiful table and lighting fixture to take my mind off the ice cold speculum that would soon be inside my body cavity.

My exam was quick (best Dr. ever) and I entertained her with the story about getting caught smelling my socks by the nurse. At the end of my appointment I asked the Dr. about my recent weight gain and she responded by asking me if I had discharge from my nipples? Ummm do those things usually go hand and hand? I mean I have never been so full that fat/grizzle has started oozing out of my nipples.. that I know of anyway? Feel free to weigh in on that issue...
Until next year!!

Last But Not Least...

The last two stories I am going to share from our vacation come from Rhodes, Greece. We went on a walking tour (even though someone was in a hovaround and several people had canes?) of Lindos, ancient ruins. And as if the ruins weren't captivating enough we had "hatchet face" from the movie Cry Baby on our tour as well. (Who knew she was gay?)

The day started with an hour long bus ride with people hacking mucus into tissues(tuberculosis was alive and well in Greece?)and me stressing about getting lice from the filthy head rest on the bus. The stress obviously subsided because when Renee woke me up we had arrived at the ruins.

The tour began with hike up 292 stairs, while our tour guide tells us that it hadn't rained here since May but should any day now and how treacherous the marble can become if it gets wet. Note none of the stairs (which are on the side of a cliff) have railings. Halfway up the cliff are men with donkeys so if your gout has acted up you can hitch a ride the rest of the way. We continued walking and listening to our guide drone on about rocks and the Greek language "hippo-hippopotamus/ hippodrome" etc... until finally we broke free and reached the top. Breath taking views and a man videotaping in our direction? I tell Renee to watch out so she walks to the left/right no... silly he was videotaping her? Is that customary in Europe? LOL spooky...

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better as we clutched each others hands descended the treacherous "steps" we observed a couple from Spain who were so concerned that it was going to rain?? that they risked life and limb to put on clear parkas while descending the railing less cliff side stairs??? WTF??? It was so ridiculous that a Greek woman selling rugs on the way down said in broken English "No rain Madame" LOL So of course I made Renee pose with her! *See pic*

After we made it down the cliff we began our trek back to the bus only to spot the most beautiful part of Rhodes!! A woman, in a see thru wet moo moo, tucked under her mommy bags, wearing a thong bikini with a small child headed towards the ruins?! Talk about chaffing and child abuse... Jesus Christ *see picture*

The day was complete as we sipped Mythos Beers and exchanged stories with a couple who are the "dirty south" clones of us!! LOL CHEERS!!!!!

Week Re-Wind (1)

Early in the week we were off to sight see (which means raped/pillaged in Turkish) we head to all the "hot spots" that Turkey had to offer. Renee, my tour guide/organizer/girlfriend, had an itinerary for us to follow, which of course included hitting EVERY bathroom in Istanbul.
My personal favorite was the bathroom where we paid fifty cents for A piece of toilet paper and descended into I guess the actual sewage pipes of olden day Turkey? There was a line, it was dark/damp/stunk and we were the only Americans waiting to use this particular bathroom (wish I had a scarf to protect my face!), which should have been our first clue. Once it was my turn I opened my stall and discovered that someone must have stolen my fucking toilet because there was just a hole in the ground with ceramic (I presume the missing toilet's base) around it? While figuring out how to pee, everyone else's pee on the floor was sopped up by the bottom of my jeans. I pulled a muscle as I squatted over the "toilet" and of course bracing myself on the filthy walls ruined my ONE SHEET of toilet paper...I could hear Renee laughing from outside the door as I said my first Islamic prayer..or at least all Islamic! LOL
We were cut in line and collected foot diseases at the blue mosque, totally in awe of the cistern and thirsty as all hell when we arrived for actual belly dancers at dinner.
The only thing that topped our site seeing adventure was collecting our luggage to board our cruise ship and as we stood chatting with strangers I realized that one of our bags was vibrating? I thought that's weird I thought our phones were in Renee's purse... then it hits me that ITS OUR FUCKING VIBRATOR INSIDE THE BAG!!!!! LOL!!!! I was laughing so hard as I tried to nonchalantly turn off the vibrator while Renee tried to distract our audience!!!!! This shit only happens to us! And thank god I packed extra batteries!!!
To be continued...

Lets talk Turkey

This vacation/mission in life begin with several horrific experiences at JFK airport.
We hop on the air train to get to our gate only to find that our terminal was closed so we had to hike three miles, outside with 5 bags to get to the bag check line.

After checking our bags I raced to the bathroom (last time at JFK I had to pee outside). Waited in line and as I hoovered over the pot.. I heard the quick pace of footsteps and a snip it of a quick coversation followed by my door jiggling from the stall door next to it being slammed?. Whats going on.. I heard the person start peeing and then a break.. followed by a huge heave and chunks splashing into the water. Okay I am outta here. I flush, exit and make the stupid mistake of looking at
"that stall" in the mirror only to see the woman in there bent over puking her brains out with her pants down to her ankles and her bare ass smashed into the cold hard steel of the stall wall!! OMG!!!!

Once on the smallest flight ever to cross the Atlantic we were totally surrounded by Kooks? The man in front of us was obese, we would have it no other way, and when he reached up into the overhead compartment revealing his cheese covered underbelly the smell that escaped caused Renee and I to dry heave. And he constantly "needed" something/anything out of that goddamn compartment! Have a seat tubby your making us sick.

Oh speaking of sick... who the fuck gets explosive diaherrea on a plane?? ME thats who.. violent shit (bats out of a cave) on a flight, in a bathroom 2x3 feet with a mirror so that I can watch my own horrific expressions. I start thinking it can't get any worse than this it did... when the shit flew out of my ass it didnt totally make it into the toilet but actually smeared on the toiolet seat and as luck would have it onto my WHITE T-SHIT.. I mean shirt! At least we didnt have to smell fat ass anymore, we would only be smelling MY ASS. If I wasn't in a totally foreign country I might have been embarrassed but at this point (3hrs into a 10hr flight) I could care less.

Shit stained and sick I crawl back to my seat and explain the doody on my shirt to my girlfriend who gives me the most troubled look. I then take a dose of meds to knock myself out which would have been great if the asshole two rows over didnt have his music so fucking loud... I swear to christ I felt like I was at a rave! I was already sweating and feeling sick all I needed was a bottle of water and glow sticks!

Turkey welcomed us with two twin beds, instead of a king, and bathroom from hell. While Renee went down to the lobby to find out what was up with the beds I went to the bathroom only to be surprised by attempting to flush and getting splashed in the bum by the bidah. WHOOO HOOO...
Renee returned, hotel is packed so we were off to our rectory quarters...I passed out at 3pm Turkey time and woke up at 9am Turkey time... All I need is some Turkish beer and this train wreck has arrived!!!!