"Closer" Part 2

Friday morning... Wedding Rehearsal Day: Elle and I climbed out of our bed fairly early after.. MY night on the town. After scraping off the clumps of dried lady juices from my legs and putting on different jeans off we went to try and locate more of our wedding party to force them to create our magical wedding favors (see below)
  We ended up splitting up "to cover more ground" and per usual I made my way into the casino to find the darkest, grossest bar and saddled up to the "poke-her" machine and my drink. I hadn't gambled 10 bucks when my phone exploded with texts from one of my childhood besties... Tricia had arrived and was wandering around the casino trying to find me... the following is the exact transcription of our text convo:  
T: I am here!!!!!!!! Lets get it on!!!!!! 
Me: Fuck yeah...I'm in some dark ass sports bar come here 
T: What's the name of it dumbass. Or should I ask someone where's the shitty dark bar 
Me: Haaaaa probably the latter
And that is pretty much as the day went on... my other bestie, Dayna, arrived later to complete the filthy old crew.. and by filthy... you can only imagine. After our rehearsal and dinner all of us retreated back to the shitty dark bar to tell more horrifying true stories that made some people so sick they left our corner :) Ahh friends... Our youngest member of the filthalong gang "Smear" was so shit faced that he complained about not getting a drink and then immediately passed out in the corner of the darkness. After talking sexy talents, Nikki and I scoured the entire casino in the middle of the night to locate a banana for Dayna to show off my favorite trick from high school the "NO GAG REFLEX." Nikki and I ended up in a sketchy deli talking to a guy wearing a t-shirt as a hairnet who would only give us a banana if we promised to bring him video footage of the ummm "trick" DONE!!!! Back in our booth/confessional in the bar. Dayna was promptly handed the banana and told to "do it." We all laughed our asses off until the entire banana disappeared into her throat...... A-M-A-Z-I-N-G
 
Our night ended as more "tricks" were uncovered and the masses dispersed.  Big Day was to follow!!!!!!!

Everyone and anyone who was meant to be there had arrived in Vegas and learning from my mistakes from the day before I knew I had to eat something today.  Elle and I met up with her family for breakfast where I ordered A pancake. ONE.....
Boy was I surprised when it arrived and it was the size of my head...

but at least this should hold me over from getting drunk till the ceremony.  Our music was picked (even though my mom has a mental block about Tegan and Sara... she kept referring to closer by Tegan and Marie or Keegan and Laura??? WTF) and of course no wedding would be complete without a little Michael Jackson "Don't stop till you get enough" which was the #1 song the year I was born 1979!!
Our clothes were ready and all that was left to do was for me to shower and vacate the "brides suite."  I must have been in that shower a full hour scrubbing off discharge from strange ladies and shaving all the specialty parts (to include but not limited to the asshole:). I got dressed with the quickness as the bridal party began to arrive in our suite.  I had made the executive decision for all my wedding party to get dressed in  Dayna & Tricia's suite so the "bride" could relax. 
As Eric and I arrived at the T & D's door I could already hear the commotion brewing inside... I opened the door to find coolers filled to the brim with beer and bottles of champagne all over the room!  HEAVEN!!!  My closest friends and family were all having ridiculous conversations getting ready... knock knock... Elle's brother and Glenn had arrived at our room and T. couldn't contain his excitement...... YOU HAVE BEER IN THIS ROOM!!!!! As he began shoving the cold bottles into his pockets!!  He was like this room is fucking ridiculous... moments later Glenn forced him to leave and I swore I saw a single tear run down his cheek as he left the room.  I hid my nervousness well as the photographer arrived....

Amped ain't the word for how I felt.... as several members of my wedding party gave toasts and the photographer blushed as we posed for a legit blowjob photo... ALL OF US... The best day of my life had officially begun!!!!

Everyone was wasted before we even entered the reception!!  We danced to DJ Im-so-tan songs which included an epic dance off, my failed attempt at the worm, my sister doing a split and popping her hip out of joint, a collision on the dance floor which revealed panties, sunglasses at night, first time make outs, semi chubby's and a box of flavored/colored condoms for my new in-laws :)

The last thing I remember is sweating, seeing the dance floor and waking up in my bed alone at 5am?  I texted the new wife who was still out partying and passed the fuck out.  Most people made it till the wee hours but when we crashed... we fucking crashed hard bitches!!!!

Elle never made it home... she and her brothers actually got fucking CUT OFF at a casino for alcohol even though they were still gambling....  I guess when its 10am the morning after the wedding and your still wearing your wedding attire and stink of booze you're easy to pick out of a crowd

Legit photo of Asa..... who never slept!!!!!!!!
While these shenanigans were going on from 5am to 8am I spent my time vomiting and pissing my pants.  After pissing myself 4 fucking times and was still puking I made the genius decision to remove my underpants so now with each heave I was squirting piss violently all over my legs, feet and floor.  I still forced a sick little smile at the mess I made wiping it up with my already soaked underpants.  (All 4 underpants were hung on the door knobs around the room to dry and like secret little bombs for people who visited to touch) I decided it was too cold without pants on to make the trip to the bathroom so I began vomiting into a trash bag....which was absolutely fine until hours later when I went to tie up the six gallons of stomach acid and broke the "skin" that had formed.... THE SMELL....

Thank god Nikki had also crashed in our room so she was there to snap this epic photo.  Elle finally entered the room where all her brothers had crashed in our living room and Nikki was asleep on a lounge chair in our bedroom, and climbed into bed punchy as ever.  In the darkness I could feel her move to hold her hands up in the air and without warning said "A BOO" before her and Nikki exploded into laughter... Zoolander quotes began followed by Nikki's "I think I got the black lung pop...cough cough!"  After laughing till our stomachs hurt Elle decided to shower and wondered why my underwear was hanging everywhere?!  Leslie and "The Dominatrix" arrived to check in.  Seeing my sickly, sweaty ass naked on the bed and Nikki hungover on the couch with shower running... "The Dom" decided the only thing there was to do was to give us a peep show...

and by peep I mean completely nude LOL!!!!!  The bathroom had a window with a automatic shade... which made for the perfect stage.....  The show only lasted a minute but as we cheered for more Leslie yelled "come on I have another quarter....even though she is only worth a nickle"  LOL   Good friends make everything ridiculous...and WE ALL KNOW THE MORE THE RIDICULOUS THE BETTER!!!!!!
Thanks to everyone who made it out to Las Vegas for our wedding....  I Love You All and especially to my new wife and the LOVE OF MY LIFE ELLE POWELL CUDDY!!!!!

Las Vegas "Strip" (Part 1)

The weekend of my Wedding was more than epic...which means it will take more than one blog to completely give you a taste of the insanity that my wife now can call "normal." The morning we were leaving we got up early and packed the essentials and headed to the airport ready to get our freak on. Four of us were on the flight headed to Philly where we would pick up another person, Josy, who was in my wedding party, making it a party of five for the flight to Las Vegas. Josy told us it would be easy to find him...look for the bar closest to the gate and he would be wearing a balloon. Perfect. As I parked in the lot Elle and I met up with our friends Pencil and Eddy who were just opening bottles of champagne to start our adventure. With only an hour till our flight we each chugged down the two bottles of bubbly before boarding the plane. Buzzed ain't the word but I know it wasn't a fucking mirage that this plane was so old that our seats were legit the entire back row...like a fucking bench and the plane was still equipped with ashtrays?! We weren't two minutes off the ground when Pencil knocks the fuck out...Ahh let the shenanigans begin!!! (NOTE PHOTO OF PENCIL) Barely making it on time to Philly we had to hurry to find Josy and the balloon and board our next flight...starving and full of urine I opt for the bathroom, which I instantly regretted as I sat next to Eddy who opted for a slice of pizza and a full blatter. When we finally touched down in Vegas we split up to rush wash our pits and crotches before the limo was to pick up my peeps for MY bacholorette at one of the most prominent strip clubs in vegas. Elle opted to stay at the hotel with her friends... a safe choice. At the hotel, I met up with my friend Micky (who my mission on this trip was to get her to make out with a chick) and we climbed into the limo. Now even though we didn't discuss it I am sure we both wondered why there was blue lighting in this limo...like a black light? I mean, I would rather NOT know what the fuck goo I am sitting in, however, Elle and I would like to have children some day! We stopped at River and picked up Eddy, Josey and Pencil...the group was complete. We had V.I.P. passes to the club so the limo brought us to a private entrance where security frisked us, told us to tip the limo driver before escorting us into the club. We were brought straight to the V.I.P. section and sat at a table inches from the stage. Now those of you from CT probably don't know a REAL strip club till you have seen this one!!! All the girls were gorgeous (10 girls per 1 patron) not one cesarean scar or stubbly pit to be found!!! Wuuu Hooo!! It was basically like being at Circ Du Soleil with naked ladies. We decide to torture Pencil who was the only straight female with us... so dollar bills were a strewn about her to bring ladies closer. Pencil, kept commenting on how cute the strippers shoes were, and their outfits etc... she finally looked off into the distance speaking softly "I missed my calling....I should have been a stripper" while lost in her daze of dancing lady dreams a stripper had snuck up behind her with huge oily boobs and light up shoes... Pencil didn't even see it coming when the dancer, "bubbles," spun her chair around and grabbed Pencil by the hair forcing her face to be smashed between her gynormous slippery breasts for what felt like to us a minute but for Pencil...hours. Bubbles laughed and took the dollars from the stage next to Pencil before slithering across the stage. Pencil slowly turned around, and we all could see that not only were her glasses crooked on her face but the lenses were completely coated with...oil/tanner/semen.. and she couldn't see shit!!! It was all fun and games until my chair spun around and the only busted chick in the place "Bunny" was on my lap. It is important to note that I wasn't thinking clearly when I selected my outfit. You see I was wearing completely thrashed jeans riddled with holes allowing each swipe of the moist labia to touch my bare skin and make the fringes on the holes frozen in vagina goo time. "Bunny" started dry humping my leg before removing her sweat stained bra (I don't even believe this girl really worked here?? Maybe a dish washer or something?) and began putting her tiny tits on me. I was trying to be nice but praying for this to end... All I could smell was her B.O. and the remnants smell of chemicals, which probably came from her last hit of meth before attacking me. As "Bunny's" hole slapped repeatedly on my thigh I could see through her teased hair Micky laughing her ass off... so that's who purchased this dance. Bunny finished (literally all over my poor new jeans) thanked me and walked off..probably back to the kitchen to finish the dishes. We all continued to drink our drinks like ballers (it really felt like a rap video) until I saw Micky's payback. I very tall ummm person with the biggest boobs I have ever seen topped off with the smallest nipples that were clearly misplaced on the bosom. We will call her "Tucker" for obvious reasons... as I flagged "Tucker" over slipped her some cash and told her exactly how to pay my friend back... As she rode Micky's lap I swear we could hear her balls slapping against Micky's thigh and from the amount of sweat on "Tucker's" forehead she probably had bat wings (you know when your testicles stick to your thighs.) Finally the dance ended we finished our drinks and ended the night without any major mishaps... Except Micky and my cab ride with a driver who looked like he was straight out of a Tim Burton movie...all gangly and sweaty. He told us how much he hated the police and how people usually have sex in the back of his cab...all the while I wished I had just worn regular jeans. Once back to the hotel... I stumbled up to my room ready for bed (note time change) only to realize as I stood staring at myself in the mirror that although I had packed contact solution...I had failed to pack the contact case. I grabbed the only thing that made sense... two actual water glasses, filled them with contact solution popped out those babies. I climbed into bed crawling over Elle as she whispered...why are your legs all sticky?! AHhh VEGAS... only day 1!!!

Three's Company

This blog is one of the most epic stories I have ever heard from someone who was part of it. As most of you know New England was totally smashed two weeks ago with a f*cking blizzard that dropped over 2 feet of snow in less than 24 hours. Basically the snow was "cumming" down so hard and fast that your face was sopping wet covered in white stuff as you try to some how manage to see through the smattering of snow/goo all over your face.... very similar to being a star in a bukkake porno. The storm started on a Friday night slow at first...then faster and faster...also similar to a porno..(New England is fucking disgusting!) Well friendly neighbors who live 3 streets away from my mother, that we will call the "Smiths" decided to have a little gathering for dinner...after all everyone lived close and it was only starting to snow. Guests arrived as the snow was picking up and the dinner and drinks began... as the beverages started to add up people became less and less concerned with all the snow falling and more and more concerned with more booze flowing. After several hours of drinking and eating one of the guests, Mrs. Body, began having severe chest pains... Well if you can imagine shitfaced hosts frantically try to help as Mrs. Body falls to the floor in their dining room... FUCK!!!! She isn't even a close friend just a fucking neighbor!!! "Mr. Smith" frantically calls 911... unaware that over 2 feet of snow has basically closed his town. The dispatcher calmly walks Mr. Smith through several steps and then determines.... ARE YOU READY FOR THIS!!!!!!! That "Mrs. BODY" is fucking dead and this is NO LONGER A MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!!!! Mr. Smith flips his shit and begs for help... get this fucking corpse out of my house (Mrs. Body's bowels have already ruined his dining room rug!!) Dispatch informs Mr. Smith that ambulances can not get to him because the roads have 2 feet of snow and are not plowed.... he is just going to have "sit tight" and wait for the Medical Examiner when the roads get plowed!!!!!! Other party guests are creeped the fuck out.. I mean who literally means "your not leaving over my dead body?" These fucks were out of there... Wasted and shocked by the snow all party guests immediately left the Smith's and....Mrs. Body...dare I say for dead... The Smiths were in a panic... I mean seriously what the fuck do you do with a dead body, in a blizzard, that has pissed and shit itself AND ISN'T EVEN RELATED TO YOU... Mr. Smith says fuck it to his wife... I am just gonna put her outside I can't have a fucking body laying here all weekend! But quickly realizes that his neighbors have two cats and that Mrs. Body would probably be munched on for days leaving him with the only realistic solution...esp when you have kids... you sit her ass up in a chair head down with her thumb up and tell the kids she is just playing a VERY LONG GAME OF SEVEN UP! Sunday finally arrived and the Medical Examiners office/assistants came to get the rotting corpse...but before removing her whispered "Seven's Up, Head's Up." LOL!!! The Smith's were DEAD wrong to have a dinner party during a blizzard!

New Haven Randomness #3 Toads Place with a touch of Nascar and the Law

Ahh there is nothing more refreshing than a blog after a blizzard. My entire walkway can only be described as a sheet of ice scattered with yellow bits of snow and possibly a spot or two of red snow (blood?) But before I begin this blog... I have to tell you that I feel amazing now that I am back inside moist in a bad way because walking on sheets of ice, wearing boots, pajamas, no bra, glasses with a dog pulling on a slippery surface (left hand) and 1/2 pound of her feces in a clear plastic bag (all that we had left after being snowed in...love to be able to see the cumin colored shit esp. as it almost smashes into my face from slipping in my right hand) and living in the city where there are ALWAYS peeps to watch and laugh...or better yet call the fucking dog?! Onward... now that I have scrapped the dog shit out from under my tiny nails I am allowed to use my wife's computer to type.

Lets begin with one of the most legit law firms I have seen in a while working the city I love. Working in public safety a lot of times you have to be on your toes when it comes to legal representation and nothing looked more legit to me than this van parked at a major intersection. I mean who wants to go to a clean office with professionals and law degrees when you can stop in a homeless dudes van covered in neon lights an occasional prostitute and blacked out windows. Some people call this an entrepreneur business... I call it a fucking rape van. Any van that is parked and yet is somehow "still moving" is not where I would seek legal advice. I mean its like going to a glory hole in a filthy gas station bathroom instead of strip club...even if the chicks have cesarean scars and hairy armpits?! I mean.. you just don't do it? But someone you might get insurance through if you happen to be part of the wheelchair for fatty's Nascar! As Pencil and I, my work partner, travel through the streets we suddenly hear the reving of engines and the smell of burnt rubber? What the heck is going you ask... well we wondered to as we traveled the curves of HERMAN AVENUE SPEED TRACK. As we took the turns..slowly.. a race of all races came into vision... Two of the fattest people in hoverounds were racing down the road. The tires were screaming!!! (Probably from all the weight) as the fatties continued to excelerate towards the turn... My mind was racing hoping for a tire to blow out or for a chair to burst into flames as I made Pencil slow down so I could photograph the epic "PHOTO FINISH." Best part of this race... the loser WALKS AWAY forced to burn those empty calories... I mean these are the only two people I know who actually break a sweat...speeding into below zero winds?? Fatfanfuckingtastic...

Now these last two little entries are just quick snip its that were just... too Amazing to be left out and I believe a picture says a thousand words so mine will be few... While stopped at a light with my wife I look out the window and see one of the most disturbing images so of course I grab my phone. This boy was sitting (not being punished or forced) atop a wrought iron fence with pickets of metal thrusting into the air. As he slowly moved back and forth atop the fence I could only imagine how he would explain the hole in his pants to his mother...but from the look of pure ecstasy on his face....this fence was WORTH IT!!

Last and I believe one of my favorite text messages from my friend in the music industry was sent to me because only I could truly appreciate it. As I woke up groggy on a Sunday morning I see I have a text message from my friend... now its Sunday so anyone who grew up near New Haven knows that Saturday night is a dance party at Toad's Place New Haven and is always packed wall to wall with amateur college students that don't know what the fuck to do or how to pace themselves with amazing drink specials. I know this for two reasons... 1. I grew up near New Haven (21st birthday spent at Toads where I fell down a flight of stairs and actually left MY OWN FUCKING FOOTPRINT ON MY BACK!!! LIMBER AINT THE WORD) and 2. Having been in law enforcement for well over ten years I have worked the door at this amazing venue numerous times because I truly LOVE IT. Well this past Saturday dance party did not disappoint. As the anorexic girls and dudes with shaved arms packed the club the drinking commences. Well anyone who doesn't consume FOOD and probably pops laxatives like mints surely can't consume alcohol. Well this one little lady drank her entire weight worth in alcohol..(possibly two beers?) and a big surprise became violently ill towards the end of the night. As the poor skeleton sat on plush pleather chair in her dress without panties (very classy) vomiting up gallons of semen and possibly two beers her body began to go into panic mode...CALORIES AHHHHH

With the next thrust of her stomach muscles to get the fluid out of her belly... she leaned forward and sprayed the entire fucking chair with shit. Not just any shit... Shit like if you had been eating hard boiled eggs, nachos and beer for 4 days straight. I am pretty sure some of her friends got sprayed with the feces as the force was so violent it tore her asshole to her vagina. Thanks for another amazing night/story from one of my all time favorite music venues! And for proper use of the cell phone camera!!!!!

New Haven Randomness #2 TRACK 12

New Haven is only a train ride away from fantabulous NYC... So its no surprise that most peeps from the Haves head there to visit friends. Well this particular adventure happened to my friend "Rick."

Rick was headed to the city to visit with some friends, spend the night out and enjoy a day off. He parked his truck and moments before exiting he saw a water bottle on the passenger seat that was a couple days old and only half filled. Rick figured fuck it better take it just in case I am THAT THIRSTY! He grabs the old bottle and shoves it in the mesh part of his gym bag and heads to the train. Anyone who has had the pleasure of using Union Station knows all the mysterious wonders of walking down the steps into that silver tunnel which basically resembles the silver bra Madonna wore in the early 90's. As Rick sips his Starbucks and walks through the tunnel he sees a Metro North Police Officer talking to an extremely large, sweaty, dirty woman about her not panhandling inside the tunnel. Rick only hears a snip it of the convo which sounds like POLICE "Um, I'm gonna need you to calm down with asking for change. Ok?" The woman who we will call MAMA "Ok baby, you need me to calm down with the change baby." (said in a slow southern drawl) Rick continues on his way to Track 12 where he finds his train, boards and finds a seat in an empty car. He places his gym bag of clothes (mesh part holding water bottle facing out) and continues to drink his coffee. Moments later Mama enters the train and don't ya know sits down right fucking next to Rick. Rick attempts to put in his ear phones and avoid any/all interactions with Mama who has already started speaking in her lovely drawl "Track 12 baby, that's weird for NY...huh baby" all of this directed at Rick. Rick peers over at her and nods politely and again tries to go about his business. Mama leans over (more like a roll onto a giant tit and fat pocket with the only thing holding up her neck is lard) and says to Rick "Can I ask you something?" Rick "What?" Mama "Can I get some of that water?" motioning towards his drink in emergency bottle of water. He looks back at her to see her shoving a Subway cup in his face... "Sure" Rick attempts to give her water but she wants to hold the bottle he says no and finally convinces her to just open the cup.... Pours water in... Mama sips "MMMMmmm baby, that water is good...I could be your Mama, yeah give Mama some that water." Rick has basically reached his limit... as Mama says "Let me ask you one more question... does Mama have on too much lip gloss?" As she purses her lemon wedge sized lips his way with her face completely covered in gloss (much like a boxer with vaseline.) Rick stares at the putrid mess across from him... blink...blink and responds with "No, thats perfect." Cue the conductor looking for tickets and Mama disappearing... luckily Rick's sandwich was safe!!!! Days later when Rick returns from NYC it takes everything he has not to stop and say hi...as Mama is once again begging for change in front of the Train Station. Only in New Haven... and Only in Public Transportation!!!!

New Haven Randomness

There is nothing more random than the things witnessed in this KA-RAZY city I live in.. and since its been so long since I have updated the masses on all the madness I decided to do a smaller series of blogs with snip its until I get back to my usual monthly/weekly updates! Randomness #1

At the end of last year CT was in for some "big" storms...not Ron Jeremy BIG but big for us New Englanders. Now growing up in a shoreline town, like most of my co-workers, we are all able to swim, tread water or just come up with a valid reason as to why we would not go near water. So when a co-worker who we will call "Daisy"gets her hurricane assignment and it happens to be near the beach she looks in horror at the supervisor and legit asks if she can have a fucking life jacket? A life jacket?? I mean our cars are held together with duct tape, the lockers are all rusty and we don't have lights or sirens in some of our cars, but sure let me go and get you that all important "life jacket" out of the janitors closet that you can wear while driving around the city INSIDE YOUR PATROL CAR!? Yet "Daisy" was still surprised that New Haven would not be supplying a floatation device for her (she must not have read that small disclaimer that if your life is in danger, you can use any item in the car or even small children as floatation devices) She pleaded with the boss and then exclaimed that "It was DANGEROUS OUT THERE!" Cue my classmate "Pencil" who chimes in with... "Daisy, this whole fucking job is dangerous... we're the POLICE!!!" LOL!!! Daisy storms out feeling like she is putting her life on the line for strangers (DUHHHH!! Again we are the POLICE) and rushes into the rain to her vehicle as "Pencil" watches the tantrum from the safety of behind a window. Daisy throws her items inside the car before climbing into what is sure to be morphed into a submarine and slams the door...leaving the bright NEON YELLOW rain jacket hanging out the drivers side door as she drives off... Moral of the story if it sounds dumb in your head...your gonna sound like a fucking asshole out loud.

Blood Sweat and Tears

Today started out as any other day that has since I broke my heel and re-injured my back. Elle helped me get dressed grab my crutches as we left for a wonderful day full of appointments that I could not drive to myself. The MRI was first on the list and boy was I happy that I had that pumpkin coffee right before being stuffed inside a teeny tiny flesh colored coffin and told not to move. I couldn't help but think of all the comedic things happening as my entire body was wedged into the coffin with a pillow smashed holding my legs up in the air and then told in a sexy voice by the female tech. "Now I am gonna move this very slow until completely inside for at least a half an hour; but I will check on you to make sure your ok throughout this experience." Ummm ok words like "completely inside"just should not be used by a professional... Unless your a total prosty (lady of the night) I mean I wonder what she thought as I layed there, legs raised in paper shorts, slightly covered by a quilt, smiling up at her from my bullet casing bed as I was ejaculated into the machine. Once inside the machine I opened my eyes to find that the ceiling was approximately 2 millimeters away from my face... start panic mode and nervous giggles. Immediately I began to regret the blanket that I had on due to the fact that I am now sweating bullets from every inch of my body (keep in mind I am wearing PAPER SHORTS)... my breathing increases and I start to get sick from the smell of my own rank ass coffee breath. I now know how sperm feel because I was literally trapped inside a penis for 30 minutes while it jiggled and made noise before spewing me out into the nice cold air! Ahhhhh...as Mel Gibson would say FREEDOM! I quickly jumped out of the hole leaving a wet body print and pillow to boot behind and scampered away from the nurse... I mean I didn't want her to think I really really liked this experience... the crouch of my paper shorts was just wet from sweat!!! I SWEAR!!! LOL Elle and I discussed the experience as we made our way to the second appointment of the day. Haircuts with my favorite Christie! Elle decided that she wanted to do away with her mullet and get "a real haircut." I personally loved the little ponytail it was like dating a character from the book The Outsiders... Ponyboy!! But this haircut was to be done by a professional... no dull knives would be haphazardly chopping away at her locks. We arrive 10 minutes late and quickly make our entrance. The usual filthy chit chat as my hair was cut and styled until my mind drifted back to my wet crouch. Why was I wet? Was I still sweating?? Nooooo I had left the tampon in for WAY too long. As my haircut finished I foolishly asked my friend/hairstylest/mother if she had another tampon. She said "Yeah" and made her way toward her "purse" or what any mother of a small child has a beach bag. Christie is quite little and as she disappeared inside the magic beach bag with only her little leopard print flats sticking out I immediately started to reconsider my decision to ask HER for a tampon. She climbs out of the canyon bag with the smallest tampon I have ever seen. Crushed and with the wrapper towards the plunger end open?! She was like "sorry... you never know whats on the bottom of your purse!" I stare at the "Ultra Slim" in utter disbelief. I mean this woman has given vaginal birth to two children and this...THIS is the tampon SHE IS USING?? I must have fucking beef drapes with a cavern cause this bitch uses SUPER!! I step into the bathroom with this swizzle stick of a tampon in my hand thinking this is gonna be ridiculous. I sit down to find that my tampon had in fact been leaking all the way down the string and pooling nicely in my underpants. Perfection... as I grab the sloppy blood soaked string and tug.. it plops into the toilet like an engorged heart still pumping blood. I pee out a few clots and then look at the tiny, crushed half opened "Ultra Thin" in my hand. Oh Christ.... no options now unless I was gonna make a McGyver Tampon out of toilet paper. I simply remove the tampon from the ALREADY opened package only to find that on the tip of the applicator/tampon (the part that goes inside the vajay) has a blade of grass stuck to it and also speckles of dirt and other debris... again I look in the toilet at the last one and knowing how much I am bleeding (basically need a tourniquet at this point) decide its the dirty "Ultra Thin" or nothing... I blow gently on the tip of the tampon to remove the dirt and grass before inserting the cigarette sized crushed tampon. I can't even feel this shit??? FLUSH... as I pull up my pants I can already see the string getting saturated with blood and know I have at best 20 minutes to get rid of the ciggy and find a cigar to stuff the dam!!! Thank god Elle was only getting a trim!!!!!

Flying F*cks and Frenzies

With a trip planned a week in advance to visit Elle's family, one is never truly prepared (only had one pair of clean undies and two socks that had only been worn once...thats clean right?) we booked our flights and filled a backpack the morning of our flights. Now anytime you sleep for like 3 hours and then get up for the day your poop schedule is just gonna be fucked. Doesn't matter who you are cause you body is like why the fuck are my eyes open and your asshole is like this is weird...and in all weird situations its best to stay CLENCHED & CLOSED!! Our flight to Dallas had a connection in Philly and since we had risen before Jesus we needed food. Im sure you could imagine our "wide" selection of food... there was one bar open (6am) and a McDonalds. We got our McBreakfast and sat dazed at gate 23 waiting to board. As soon as I finished my delicious meat like sandwich my stomach started to gurgle. I started getting nervous...I have had to shit on airplanes before (please see previous Greece entry) and it did NOT end well or stay in the toilet. Elle was in a similar situation so I offered to stay with the bags (lord knows if someone sees something they say something!) so she could shit without worries of having bags on the bathroom floor. She returns, refreshed and we board the plane... now my stomach had sort of calmed itself... probably from those quick walking air farts that are virtually silent. Philly was only 45 minutes away I could do this... well I had the sweats by the time we landed and with only 45 minutes till our flight to Dallas Elle was on her own with the bags while I quickly b-lined to the bathroom. Now I personally hate shitting in public, but Elle assured me that if it is ever appropriate the AIRPORT is one of those places. I walked into the wafting odor of asshole and noises that would make a grown man blush. Apparently ALL we do is SHIT IN AIRPORT BATHROOMS! Which makes for incredibly SLOW-STINKY lines. As I stand trying not grimace as my ass cheeks are so tightly smashed together my turn finally arrives. OH, and its the stall that faces all the other eager morning shitters still in line!! JOY!!!! I make my way into the stall and figure its now or never, drop my pants... holding the bottoms up to avoid whatever that fluid on the floor maybe and try to concentrate on dropping a deuce. I'm not sure what kinda face I make when shitting but I certainly DO NOT need an audience. As the pent up rage of gas and doody exits my rectum I look up to find that MY stall door has about a 3 inch gap where it meets the wall and I am now face to face with the line of eager shitters waiting their turn... AND THOSE FUCKERS ARE ACTUALLY STARING AT ME!!! Now anyone who knows me knows that shy isn't even in my vocab but really... an audience?! It wasn't even to the worst part... now I had to wipe my asshole with 1000 hungry eyes staring. And it was one of those tar shits where you HAVE to look at the toilet paper to make sure you got it all!!?? Finished...I felt odd exiting... do these people look at their toilet paper to make sure there is no shit left on it?? Wash my hands and leave, hoping that the first lady in line/eye to eye contact with me is not seated on my plane. Elle is in hysterics as I explain what just happened and we board our flight to Texas without any further incident. We spend an amazing weekend with her grandparents (except that its so hot outside YOU CAN NOT BREATH) and their puppies Caesar and Miss Wickets. My favorite conversation of the weekend was with with her grandma Deb who is AMAZING. She was telling me how there was something wrong with that Mitt Romney and the way he walks... like he has spikes or rings or something around his balls?? *It should be noted during this entire conversation she was using her hands as if she were cupping Mitt's balls* AMAZING... she swears by it.... Just watch the way he walks!! This was one of many conversations where I felt like I was talking to myself as an older woman. Simply an amazing woman. Popa T was just as interesting... esp the video we watched together about the solar system in silence.. like we were tripping on mushrooms or acid even though I was just drinking Stella!? His quote of the week was at breakfast when Elle, Deb, Popa T and I were talking about his fake steel knees and how well they worked... he paused and said "I wish they made other things!" I couldn't resist and gently rubbed his arm telling him "they don't make that!" LOL!!!!!!! The trip home was a different adventure.... To be continued

Vomication Urination!!! SUMMER FUN

Its always an adventure to travel with family esp. when you end up in cabins from the 30's and absolutely no privacy. This past vacation was amazing, well at least for me... maybe not for my fiance. After driving for hours we arrive at camp and unload our two items bedding/clothing (packed in plastic kohls bags)and walk down to find our cabin with my mom passed out on the front porch.

Nothing says WELCOME like a oodles of noodles hair, no bra and a pair of pj bottoms covering part of your face?! Ahh Mom... good to see you too! As we put our stuff away she explained how she had been having a hot flash and had dragged a mattress out on to the front porch to get some fresh air. LOL of course you did... the neighbors love full moons! We find "our" bedroom and push the two twin beds together for "sexy time" which we had not realized would never happen on this trip. You see the cabins were built before the concept of seperate rooms. Although it appeared as thought the rooms were seperated by a wall the walls did not reach the ceiling.. they were more of um.. a wood panel screen... beautiful just beautiful. Before going out for a night on the town I decide to shower. I strip down and bolt to the bathroom, which has a lovely window so you can hear everyone outside and if in the right position could possibly be seen... thank god I had been going to the gym. This is where the first adventure begins. Standing in front of the "shower" I note the floor mat which is like cut in half to remove the center part for the drain? The purple plastic curtain, surely pure of pubes and scum is stuck to the shower stall, which would more properly be described as a standup coffin. One of the water knobs is actually fucking rusted in the "off" position so lucky the left knob turned. I stepped into the water casket, BAREFOOT (cause who the fuck wears shower thongs really) when the ice cold water shooting out of pipe (no shower head) like speeding bullets penetrates my skin and rips off my left nipple. FUCK this shit hurts I attempt to manuvare out of the spray similiar to a nail gun when I realize the bath mat was partially upside down and the suction cups were actually attached to my barefeet. I was trapped!!! Each time I would free one foot from the cement shoe of a mat the other one was attached... as I finally broke free from the mat, and the acid water had ripped all the skin off my back, the purple curtain wrapped around my naked body like a sarong and finally I was free from the fucking death trap shower. Elle had similar issues in the shower but managed to look amazing as I was bleeding from the back, one nipple and wearing a purple surong. Out we go!! The bar was a great break from nature and as we sipped our beers more and more of my cousins arrived to join in the festivities and what would be come an epic night. After a few rounds of shots (no food) and amazing stories we decided to call it a night and head back to the woods. Elle had complained of stomach issues but I just figured she was probably hungry? I also had caught wind of an empty cabin and my drunken mind immediately turned to filthy thoughts.... cause there is nothing hotter then a drunk, one nipple bloody back girlfriend!! As we park the car I quickly usher her away from the family and into the darkness! She was not surprised basically because I ONLY think with my vulva/vagina. We get to the cabin and she tells me she is feeling a little better, which basically means "GO TIME" and as romantic as it was to lay down on a filthy plastic mattress (no sheet) with some sort of stain and we began what would be the most memorable night of our camping experience. As we were making out (maybe for 3 minutes) Elle yelled "GET OFF OF ME!!!! I'M GONNA BE SICK" which really makes your heart flutter when heard from your fiance. She bolts to the bathroom as I sit on the sticky plastic mattress waiting for whatever was going to happen. All of sudden I hear the vomit violently spewing from her tiny body and did what any amazing girlfriend would do... went in the bathroom to watch! I walked in to find my tiny lady squatting in front of the toilet vomiting up actual hot dogs and some sort of chili?! She was heaving so hard that her stomach appeared to touch her spinal cord before releasing the violent chunks... but it got better!!! See Elle initially thought that she was going to shit her brains out so she went into the bathroom, pulled down her pants and sat on the toilet before realizing this was going to go in a completely different direction! She quickly spun on her heels and heaved into the toilet, WITH HER PANTS STILL DOWN TO HER ANKLES! As she heaves out all sorts of carnival food, with each violent spew piss is shooting out of her vajay onto the floor!!!! I was in shock! I didn't know whether to rub her back, take a picture OR pull up her pants... so I just flushed the hot dog and chili mixture and rubbed her back. When she finally caught her breath and realized that she had pissed on the floor she was so sick she just shrugged and walked out leaving me with the puddle. As I sopped up the urine with the two remaining strips of toilet paper I thought.... Yes, this is exactly the woman I want to spend my life with... and then debated about chucking the urine saturated toilet paper at her!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU ELLE!!!!

Tweet Tweet

Anyone who knows my mother knows that she is not the "do it yourself" type and with my father gone she kinda just flops around like a fish out of water if something goes haywire or disgusting happens. Well this story is no exception and actually excentuates this :) My father did a complete overhaul of our kitchen circa 1991 and being the crazy man that he was he bought an industrial stovetop, ven though all he cooked was filthy, crusty, burned london broil (the meat was like swallowing shards of black glass with a bloody center), which although looked very impressive was never used to its full capability. Above this massive stovetop was a cabinet (that we were forbidden to touch?! due to the fact that it was attached by double sided tape or some shit!? Forget the fact that the box AND I LOVE BOX was COVERED IN GREASE and FOOD PARTICLES!!) that incased some sort of a stove fan.... FLASH FORWARD to this past weekend... Over the spring birds have built a nest in the outside part of this fan structure causing poo, feathers and bird fetuses to shoot out when ever it is in use. Saturday, Mom was seated in the kitchen this weekend when she heard a noise followed by serious fucking tweets. Apparantely A BIRD had fallen down the shaft and was now trapped in screen part above the stove. Terrified Mom called a neighbor for assistance as my sister arrived with her baby. The neighbor, a nature loving woman (hairy armpits) explained that they had to remove the screen to free the trapped bird. She then began unscrewing the screen above the stove to free the bird as my sister gave her a harsh warning about touching the forbidden cabinet due to the "tape" and Dad's rules. She ignored my sister and continued screwing to get access to the shaft :)all of sudden the screen falls out feathers and bird shit fly all over the kitchen covering my mother, neighbor, SISTER AND BABY who had to all stand super fucking close to the action as to miss a tweet. (note the bird shit helped to adhere the feathers to each of the individuals faces but no fucking bird?!) My sister starts screaming about the feces with a shit and feather covered face, her her child who decides to eat some bird shit (which I can't blame her it does look similair to good n'plenty candy), my mother electrician arrives on scene. His face as he scans the shit show and feather festival was as if he was watching a train wreck... the concerned neighbor "selflessly" screams to the man that the bird is stuck in the shaft and its an emergency!! The man clears some feathers and bird shit reaches into the shaft as all the eager faces watch and pulls out... a fucking bird corpse that is forzen in time! His face turns to horror (as if the shit/feather covered kitchen WITH A BABY isnt horrifing enough) as he removes a second and whats this OH A FUCKING THIRD BIRD CORPSE from inside my mothers kitchen!! My sister starts screaming as my mother simply holds open a plastic zip lock birdie body bag now containing 3 rotting bird corpses and tells my sister to stop screaming... and looks to my neighbor, who is visibly upset and leaves just as my mother whips the zip lock baggie, birds and all at my sister!! The man takes $30 bucks (10 a bird) and leaves, forever changed from this experience. As we all discussed this the next day in hysterical laughter as I tried to explain what the fuck that poor bird must have been thinking.... falling down a fucking pitch black hole and landing on NOT 1 BUT 2 dead bodies!!!!! Your goddamn right I would have been screaming too... after taking a picture of course!