"Mardi Gras" (Strip Club)

Oh the tangled, shaven vaginas we weave or sniff!?
We rallied up the usual set of hooligans for one of our weekend trips of debauchery and headed out. The ride consisted of sexual stories, photos, odd smells and A LOT of makeup all while taking pulls off of a dusty old bottle of my fathers scotch...

Our eyes danced from all the glittery lights as we pulled into the strip club parking lot! It was like a scene from some trashy Vegas flick :) and we were in love.

"Inside"the club we watched the ladies dance around nude or in children sized g strings to some of our favorite hits, while we clapped along with our lady friend in the wheelchair next to us. This was my girlfriends first trip to a strip club and she was confused because the dancers were already nude except for heels (she asked where was the show?) and there was an elevator strictly for oral sex (ring the bell for service.) Our attention was immediately brought back to the stage as "Stars" approached. She sprawled out in front of us and began shoving pointy sharp finger nails inside her vagina... wow... as if this action was captivating enough she ended the finger puppet show by clicking her gynormous heels together CLICK!!!! Or should I say Clit because what followed was... well as she straddled the bar about 4 quarts of what could only be described as KARO syrup poured from her vaginal opening onto the bar below... I was definitely seeing STARS!!

Up next a round of shots (not those kind of shots you pigs) handed to us from "Star's" sticky fingers! I told Elle not to worry alcohol kills everything...as we forced down the filthy liquid. Our single friend was up for the next treat a lap dance followed by the most amazing acrobatic trick I had ever seen!!!! Star literally (while on the stage) placed her head between my friends legs and flipped her own body upside down so that the her snatch was basically giving my friend razor burn on her face!!!!! (SEE PHOTO) Elle was more concerned with Star hitting her back against the bar on the dismount... but I whispered "she's a professional" A friends 3some in the bathroom later and we were all back in the Jeep pondering where the fuck we had just been!!!!!! Cheers.... life ain't nothing but strippers and money

Belize it or not....

So my girlfriend and I decided last minute to go on a cruise, which was more like a safari because it was a lesbian cruise so you get to observe the lesbots in the wild!!
We smashed all our stuff into two suitcases (two quick favorites about my girls suitcase 1. It is neon green hard plastic and 2. My girlfriend is so skinny she basically has to mount/dry hump the suitcase in order to close it)and were off.

Once aboard the good ship lick-a-cunt we grabbed beverages, our sunglasses and sat back as the single ladies gathered in herds. They are forced to wear silver dog tags (similar to the scarlet letter)for easy identification if you wanted to "attack" one. I thought Lady Gaga's meat dress would have looked better but who am I to judge?

On day two we met up with my Aussie friend (who also happened to be single this cruise but safely surrounded by 10 of her closest mates) in the filthy hot tub for drinks and stories. As we told stories from the night before my eyes were glued to a couple in the tub with us. One lady completely normally looking while her girlfriend had bleach blonde filthy dirty dread locks bobbing up and down in the water...almost in time with her hand in her lady friends swimsuit bottom all while we were seated in the same warm bath. As Aussie talked she discussed how she had narrowed down her choice of solos to two possibles. She pointed them out poolside and Elle and I made our decision for her...we both chose the cop from out west. I offered to assist a fellow vag seeker aka Aussie who was being far too shy to make the first move so I chimed up to play golf. (Just for the record I don't think games where you have to clench a smooth hard object with both hands while staring at one or more balls should be on a lesbian cruise.) Three dirty jokes later the cop joined us in the pool. We had to move from the hot tub because of the dreads.

As Aussie and Cop chatted it up Elle's face became puzzled and concerned. Now I had noticed the two obese ladies in the pool with us (at 2pm)that were attached and floating about but had averted my eyes from all the skin folds, deodorant chunks and lip gloss but she hadn't and had at that very moment (as they bobbed towards us) realized that they were fucking. Great... First dread locks and pussy in the hot tub, now gizzards and labias in the pool. We called it a day and retreated to our room for some sanity and to prepare for our day ashore tomorrow in Belize.

After a wonderful day full of snorkeling (which included a lady with a prosthetic leg... ever see a flipper attached to a stump?) we arrived back at the ship to shower for dinner. Thats when it happened. Elle had to pee... then I peed, then she peed, then I peed etc... all the while feeling like we were pissing razor blades out of our urethra's. After a half hour we were in the fetal position on the bed and minutes later with the nurse in the medic suite. It was 10 after six and the medics closed at 6 so it cost 1,000 dollars for us to piss blood starfish into tiny cups and receive one pill to make it through the night. Elle told me her favorite part of our visit thus far was after i had peed in the cup and the nurse came in to test the PH she overheard her say "wow, this is pretty much the worst it can be...see how the colors are neon." Elle's wasn't as bad PH wise just full of blood :) We took our pills and left anxiously awaiting our Dr. visit in the a.m.

8a.m. on the nose we were seated side by side in the medics office when the oldest doctor appeared (he reminded me of Punky Brewster's father Henry Warnamont) blue scrubs, neatly parted hair, glasses and leather loafers. Peered over his glasses at us and called us both in to his office at the same time since we both were suffering from severe Urinary Tract Infections. As we sat with Dr. Warnamont he gave us a plethora of reasons why we could have gotten such terrible infections and then briefly left the room to get our prescriptions. Upon returning he sat down, adjusted his glasses and looked directly into Elle and my soul. He then said and I quote "Ya know, on cruises like this people tend to get more romantic...so if your going to use the dildo we recommend that after you take a sip of water and empty your bladder." WTF??!!!!! THE DILDO???? Twilight zone...

Honduras was up the next day and with our vaginas back on track we were out on the prowl for more adventures when we ran into Aussie. Elle and I were so excited to see how things ended the other day with the cop!! We each grabbed a drink and headed for our usual filthy cesspool of a hot tube where the Aussie explained how the night ended. After we left them poolside the conversation continued and even moved in the right direction as Aussie and cop retreated to Aussie's stateroom. (side note... Cop was on the cruise with her cousin and her cousin's girlfriend) Once in the stateroom Aussie started feeling more comfortable and the idea of a hookup started to creep into her mind when everything was interrupted by a knock at the door? Aussie, who didn't have a roommate was shocked so she answered the door to find the cops cousin a mess in the hallway exclaiming that she had just been notified that her brother had been killed and needed to be with cop. Cop pulled up her bra straps and left the room. Aussie and I discussed this because someone better seriously be dead because if you use that as a get out of hook up card your pretty much guaranteed a seat next to Lucifer.

Several infections and stories later including public sex acts we arrived home safe and smiling looking forward to bringing more friends on our next lesbian adventure!!!

Anal Adventures

Happy hour usually brings out the best in people but this past weekends was icing on the cake.
Several of us, friends, strangers and even some of my girlfriend's co-workers met a small Spanish watering hole to exchange stories over shots of patron and margaritas. *It should be noted that sampling tequila in shot form is like drinking truth serum and only makes amazing stories even more GRAPHIC/EPIC.*
The following is a brief recap of three of the most amazing anal sex stories I have ever heard... and even more amazing is all three happened to the same girl... "Tracy"
Story #1
Tracy went to a very well known college and had lived her life as a good girl up until college. She was now ready to "let her hair down" so to speak venture out, drink and take life by the or maybe life was gonna take her by the...dirty freckle. Within the first couple weeks of college life Tracy found herself drunk at a frat party with a handsome fraternity brother...IN A HOT TUB. One thing led to another and the next thing ya know Tracy was getting filled out like an application in the hot tub by the handsome frat boy. As the session went on the frat boy wanted to change locations but drunk Tracy refused due to the fact that it was cold outside of the 102 degree water. Frat boy coaxed her out with promises of a warm shower, which moments later is where they end up. Tracy explained that as she stood in the warm water she suddenly felt a sharp pain and the next thing she knew she was staring at the shower floor and getting drilled in the anus. Tracy was confused (since she had never had anal sex) as to how she ended up face down in luke warm water with rod up her ass. The story ends there until the next day when she wakes up in her dorm room with intense pain in her neck and bum. As she rubbed her neck she asked her roommate if there was something there and slowly moved her hair. Her roommates eyes bulged out of her head and told her "holy shit there is a huge bruise!" It was then that Tracy figured out what had happened inside the shower... she had fallen victim to the ultimate in sexual faux pas ...the donkey punch. (For those of you who don't know the definition a DONKEY PUNCH: The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better.) All the more excellent is this was not only her first experience with anal sex it was one of three in a short time period... cue the next story!!
Story #2
After a long night of fun and debauchery Tracy and her male companion walked for several blocks discussing mostly filthy stuff until they found themselves at the beach... (at this point of the story I was so excited I was practically holding my breath praying she had fallen victim to another sexual act known as the screaming seagull... SCREAMING SEAGULL: While having sex on a beach, you remove your wiener and dip it in the sand. Then you reinsert. The result is a screaming seagull.) Lucky for Tracy she was spared the screaming seagull but her anus was not spared... because bachelor number 2 went straight for the poop shoot and before she knew it, she was waist deep in the dirty water getting fudge packed... ahhh water, salt and rock hard schlong equals and excellent cleaning followed by severe chaffing. Alls well that ends well... besides the ocean is full of foam whats a little extra?!
Story #3
The last story Tracy shared of the night involved her ex-boyfriend, whom she spent many years dating. After sharing laughs, stories and numbers Tracy found herself in what would be her boyfriends dorm room. The dead kid asleep in his bed was removed and they instantly ripped off each other clothes and began to go at it. *Both Tracy and BF were extremely intoxicated during this incident but whiskey dick never stopped anyone ;) right? So as the sex began it slowly started to build causing Tracy to make a distressed face, which BF found very concerning. BF asked Tracy what was wrong??? He was confused by her agonized face... Tracy was quick to respond with "Of course somethings wrong...your fucking my asshole!" LOL Nothing like the first time to break the ice or sphincter!!! (It should be noted these events occurred over a short time period and no anal sex has happened since. Tracy's ass is NOT a cum dumpster.)
I can't thank honest people enough!! These stories happen all the time and sharing is caring so keep the booze coming and the assholes open!!! WU HOO to pulsating poop shoots!!

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Bachelor Party Woes

Bachelor parties are crazy just by nature and although I am a female I have witnessed my fair share of filthiness associated with such parties due to having pigs for friends. However, my sweet innocent girlfriend had no idea what actually occurred at these shindigs until our friend who we will call "Dylan Strappon" told her about his adventure from this past weekend.

Dylan attended a friends bachelor party this past Saturday and to no surprise it started out per usual. Tons of alcohol, raffles, sexual stories and of course strippers. These weren't just any strippers, they were "professional" (which just means they were paid ahead of time.) As the booze filled the audiences bellies the girls got more and more naughty... The usual, slip out of your clothes, dance around, gyrate if you will until they introduced strap on dildos and began to bang each other. The guys were in heaven! At this point in the story, Renee was utterly disgusted but continued listening because in reality this is typical stripper bullshit that goes on... (no one ever says how they were sweating, smelled of raw tuna and had baloney nipples) its just that epic baby oil smell and loose vagina lips slapping around, which is totally par for the course... until

One of the strippers, a big boned, sweaty female had enough of her female cohort. Her eyes danced through the crowd as she whipped her soul glow hair around until she found him... the groom to be. His friends were quick to volunteer him up on stage for a little fun. The stripper who will call "Ruby" had the groom lay down on the floor and pulled a contraption out of her bag...Oh whats this the crowd wonders? Oh just a dildo that she casually straps to the grooms forehead. Ruby then squats down onto the dildo attached to the grooms face (her head towards his feet so her puckered butthole can kiss his forehead) and begins to ride like the wind!! The crowd goes nuts as the groom trys not to break his neck... Ruby goes faster and faster until everyone is cheering (except the groom) and then just when everyone thought it couldn't get any better.... Ruby lets out a giant moan as blood begins to gush out of her body (we don't know what orifice) and cover the grooms face, head, hair etc.... The crowd goes silent... Ruby jumps off the grooms blood soaked head and runs dripping gallons of blood off stage.. (one onlooker claimed to have seen her uterus hanging out of her vagina) leaving a devastated groom to ponder what the fuck just happened as he wiped the burning, irony vulva blood from his eyes.. Ruby Red did not return, maybe she realized that fucking peoples faces in public is no way to get a-head!!! LOL!!! CHEERS TO EVERY FILTHY WHORE WHO WITNESSED THIS!!!! And shame on the people used to complain about getting watermelon juice on their shirts at Gallagher concerts..

"Like its 1999"

Birthdays only come along once a year, so its best to GO BIG when your going to be celebrating. (Not such a good idea when you have a wedding the next day.) The festivities started around 7pm at a well known pizza restaurant. We waited forever for our table, which must have been a birthday treat, because it was directly next to the bathrooms. We immediately ordered our first round of beverages as the fruit flies began landing all over our faces, cue the story telling. All of my stories are true and I love when a stranger or new person is introduced to us for the first time because they never now how to take me... esp when there are about 400 fruit flies on the corner of my eyes and nostrils (I love eating in Malaysia!) and filth pouring out of my mouth.
We ordered our food, and learned my friend "BJ" does not eat bacon, so we just assumed that it was because she was Muslim and moved on... the Muslim issue will come into play much later on.... :)
Finish our food and bolt to the next destination.. in Spain no less! Grab a booth, shots and more friends join us, including a special appearance by Marky Mark Wahlberg, who must have known it was BJ and SSA's birthday! (Please note SSA is ass back words..and I love ass!) After rubbing elbows and nipples with the stars we headed to an Irish Pub for Birthday Car Bombs and I knew I was in heaven when my first beer came in a dirty glass!!! Now as the drinks go down it starts to feel like I am in a different country... and then I realize its not because I am wasted its that SSA's girlfriend, Marie and my friend Schweaty Bahls are from Providence, RI so the buzz is making their accents sound like foreigners. My obsession with the accents was cut short when my girl and SSA returned from the bathroom with photos of one of the stalls. It was as if one of the ladies in the bars mouth had become a power washer spraying vomit at a high volocity dowsing the entire stall with colorful chunks. If only these photos were scratch and sniff!!
The night ended in style with dancing, glow sticks and religion! We were dancing surrounded by boys (kinda like being in a bulkaki movie?) which happens when your lesbian until BJ breaks free and starts dancing with an African male. His moves were as sweet as honey from a hive! I mean who pretends to play bongos on a dance floor?? As if the colorful beads around his neck were not dazzling enough he had a glow stick in his back pocket! The dancing ended suddenly as Renee started doing the humpty (you know flopping around like her leg was broken?) Puzzled... she yelled that her fucking shoe had broken off her foot!!! LOL!!!!! I knelt down, on the sticky, wet, semen covered dance floor to find that that strap on her heel had completely broken off.. I escorted her off to a filthy leather couch (caked with what I can only imagine to be dry vomit) where I prayed for a miracle... ***CUE LIGHTS*** As we explained to our friends that our dancing days were over, Jesus Christ appeared. He was wearing all white and desert sandals. BJ was instantly mesmerized by his Holiness and as she disappeared back onto the dance floor with Jesus aka JC I tried to shout to her "I thought you were a Muslim?"
It took more then a miracle to separate BJ from JC at the end of the night but we were finally able to remove her clenched fists from his robes as she shouted out with glee... CALL ME!! (((JESUS CHRIST)))
All is well that ends with a blackout... BJ woke up with 3 people in her apartment...two in her bed, one on her couch and her tall ass smashed in a bean bag chair in her living room...as she wiped the sweat, drool and blood of Christ from her face she was thinking.... 27 is gonna be a good year!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!!! xoxoxoxoo