Three's Company

This blog is one of the most epic stories I have ever heard from someone who was part of it. As most of you know New England was totally smashed two weeks ago with a f*cking blizzard that dropped over 2 feet of snow in less than 24 hours. Basically the snow was "cumming" down so hard and fast that your face was sopping wet covered in white stuff as you try to some how manage to see through the smattering of snow/goo all over your face.... very similar to being a star in a bukkake porno. The storm started on a Friday night slow at first...then faster and faster...also similar to a porno..(New England is fucking disgusting!) Well friendly neighbors who live 3 streets away from my mother, that we will call the "Smiths" decided to have a little gathering for dinner...after all everyone lived close and it was only starting to snow. Guests arrived as the snow was picking up and the dinner and drinks began... as the beverages started to add up people became less and less concerned with all the snow falling and more and more concerned with more booze flowing. After several hours of drinking and eating one of the guests, Mrs. Body, began having severe chest pains... Well if you can imagine shitfaced hosts frantically try to help as Mrs. Body falls to the floor in their dining room... FUCK!!!! She isn't even a close friend just a fucking neighbor!!! "Mr. Smith" frantically calls 911... unaware that over 2 feet of snow has basically closed his town. The dispatcher calmly walks Mr. Smith through several steps and then determines.... ARE YOU READY FOR THIS!!!!!!! That "Mrs. BODY" is fucking dead and this is NO LONGER A MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!!!! Mr. Smith flips his shit and begs for help... get this fucking corpse out of my house (Mrs. Body's bowels have already ruined his dining room rug!!) Dispatch informs Mr. Smith that ambulances can not get to him because the roads have 2 feet of snow and are not plowed.... he is just going to have "sit tight" and wait for the Medical Examiner when the roads get plowed!!!!!! Other party guests are creeped the fuck out.. I mean who literally means "your not leaving over my dead body?" These fucks were out of there... Wasted and shocked by the snow all party guests immediately left the Smith's and....Mrs. Body...dare I say for dead... The Smiths were in a panic... I mean seriously what the fuck do you do with a dead body, in a blizzard, that has pissed and shit itself AND ISN'T EVEN RELATED TO YOU... Mr. Smith says fuck it to his wife... I am just gonna put her outside I can't have a fucking body laying here all weekend! But quickly realizes that his neighbors have two cats and that Mrs. Body would probably be munched on for days leaving him with the only realistic solution...esp when you have kids... you sit her ass up in a chair head down with her thumb up and tell the kids she is just playing a VERY LONG GAME OF SEVEN UP! Sunday finally arrived and the Medical Examiners office/assistants came to get the rotting corpse...but before removing her whispered "Seven's Up, Head's Up." LOL!!! The Smith's were DEAD wrong to have a dinner party during a blizzard!

New Haven Randomness #3 Toads Place with a touch of Nascar and the Law

Ahh there is nothing more refreshing than a blog after a blizzard. My entire walkway can only be described as a sheet of ice scattered with yellow bits of snow and possibly a spot or two of red snow (blood?) But before I begin this blog... I have to tell you that I feel amazing now that I am back inside moist in a bad way because walking on sheets of ice, wearing boots, pajamas, no bra, glasses with a dog pulling on a slippery surface (left hand) and 1/2 pound of her feces in a clear plastic bag (all that we had left after being snowed in...love to be able to see the cumin colored shit esp. as it almost smashes into my face from slipping in my right hand) and living in the city where there are ALWAYS peeps to watch and laugh...or better yet call the fucking dog?! Onward... now that I have scrapped the dog shit out from under my tiny nails I am allowed to use my wife's computer to type.

Lets begin with one of the most legit law firms I have seen in a while working the city I love. Working in public safety a lot of times you have to be on your toes when it comes to legal representation and nothing looked more legit to me than this van parked at a major intersection. I mean who wants to go to a clean office with professionals and law degrees when you can stop in a homeless dudes van covered in neon lights an occasional prostitute and blacked out windows. Some people call this an entrepreneur business... I call it a fucking rape van. Any van that is parked and yet is somehow "still moving" is not where I would seek legal advice. I mean its like going to a glory hole in a filthy gas station bathroom instead of strip club...even if the chicks have cesarean scars and hairy armpits?! I mean.. you just don't do it? But someone you might get insurance through if you happen to be part of the wheelchair for fatty's Nascar! As Pencil and I, my work partner, travel through the streets we suddenly hear the reving of engines and the smell of burnt rubber? What the heck is going you ask... well we wondered to as we traveled the curves of HERMAN AVENUE SPEED TRACK. As we took the turns..slowly.. a race of all races came into vision... Two of the fattest people in hoverounds were racing down the road. The tires were screaming!!! (Probably from all the weight) as the fatties continued to excelerate towards the turn... My mind was racing hoping for a tire to blow out or for a chair to burst into flames as I made Pencil slow down so I could photograph the epic "PHOTO FINISH." Best part of this race... the loser WALKS AWAY forced to burn those empty calories... I mean these are the only two people I know who actually break a sweat...speeding into below zero winds?? Fatfanfuckingtastic...

Now these last two little entries are just quick snip its that were just... too Amazing to be left out and I believe a picture says a thousand words so mine will be few... While stopped at a light with my wife I look out the window and see one of the most disturbing images so of course I grab my phone. This boy was sitting (not being punished or forced) atop a wrought iron fence with pickets of metal thrusting into the air. As he slowly moved back and forth atop the fence I could only imagine how he would explain the hole in his pants to his mother...but from the look of pure ecstasy on his face....this fence was WORTH IT!!

Last and I believe one of my favorite text messages from my friend in the music industry was sent to me because only I could truly appreciate it. As I woke up groggy on a Sunday morning I see I have a text message from my friend... now its Sunday so anyone who grew up near New Haven knows that Saturday night is a dance party at Toad's Place New Haven and is always packed wall to wall with amateur college students that don't know what the fuck to do or how to pace themselves with amazing drink specials. I know this for two reasons... 1. I grew up near New Haven (21st birthday spent at Toads where I fell down a flight of stairs and actually left MY OWN FUCKING FOOTPRINT ON MY BACK!!! LIMBER AINT THE WORD) and 2. Having been in law enforcement for well over ten years I have worked the door at this amazing venue numerous times because I truly LOVE IT. Well this past Saturday dance party did not disappoint. As the anorexic girls and dudes with shaved arms packed the club the drinking commences. Well anyone who doesn't consume FOOD and probably pops laxatives like mints surely can't consume alcohol. Well this one little lady drank her entire weight worth in alcohol..(possibly two beers?) and a big surprise became violently ill towards the end of the night. As the poor skeleton sat on plush pleather chair in her dress without panties (very classy) vomiting up gallons of semen and possibly two beers her body began to go into panic mode...CALORIES AHHHHH

With the next thrust of her stomach muscles to get the fluid out of her belly... she leaned forward and sprayed the entire fucking chair with shit. Not just any shit... Shit like if you had been eating hard boiled eggs, nachos and beer for 4 days straight. I am pretty sure some of her friends got sprayed with the feces as the force was so violent it tore her asshole to her vagina. Thanks for another amazing night/story from one of my all time favorite music venues! And for proper use of the cell phone camera!!!!!

New Haven Randomness #2 TRACK 12

New Haven is only a train ride away from fantabulous NYC... So its no surprise that most peeps from the Haves head there to visit friends. Well this particular adventure happened to my friend "Rick."

Rick was headed to the city to visit with some friends, spend the night out and enjoy a day off. He parked his truck and moments before exiting he saw a water bottle on the passenger seat that was a couple days old and only half filled. Rick figured fuck it better take it just in case I am THAT THIRSTY! He grabs the old bottle and shoves it in the mesh part of his gym bag and heads to the train. Anyone who has had the pleasure of using Union Station knows all the mysterious wonders of walking down the steps into that silver tunnel which basically resembles the silver bra Madonna wore in the early 90's. As Rick sips his Starbucks and walks through the tunnel he sees a Metro North Police Officer talking to an extremely large, sweaty, dirty woman about her not panhandling inside the tunnel. Rick only hears a snip it of the convo which sounds like POLICE "Um, I'm gonna need you to calm down with asking for change. Ok?" The woman who we will call MAMA "Ok baby, you need me to calm down with the change baby." (said in a slow southern drawl) Rick continues on his way to Track 12 where he finds his train, boards and finds a seat in an empty car. He places his gym bag of clothes (mesh part holding water bottle facing out) and continues to drink his coffee. Moments later Mama enters the train and don't ya know sits down right fucking next to Rick. Rick attempts to put in his ear phones and avoid any/all interactions with Mama who has already started speaking in her lovely drawl "Track 12 baby, that's weird for NY...huh baby" all of this directed at Rick. Rick peers over at her and nods politely and again tries to go about his business. Mama leans over (more like a roll onto a giant tit and fat pocket with the only thing holding up her neck is lard) and says to Rick "Can I ask you something?" Rick "What?" Mama "Can I get some of that water?" motioning towards his drink in emergency bottle of water. He looks back at her to see her shoving a Subway cup in his face... "Sure" Rick attempts to give her water but she wants to hold the bottle he says no and finally convinces her to just open the cup.... Pours water in... Mama sips "MMMMmmm baby, that water is good...I could be your Mama, yeah give Mama some that water." Rick has basically reached his limit... as Mama says "Let me ask you one more question... does Mama have on too much lip gloss?" As she purses her lemon wedge sized lips his way with her face completely covered in gloss (much like a boxer with vaseline.) Rick stares at the putrid mess across from him... blink...blink and responds with "No, thats perfect." Cue the conductor looking for tickets and Mama disappearing... luckily Rick's sandwich was safe!!!! Days later when Rick returns from NYC it takes everything he has not to stop and say hi...as Mama is once again begging for change in front of the Train Station. Only in New Haven... and Only in Public Transportation!!!!

New Haven Randomness

There is nothing more random than the things witnessed in this KA-RAZY city I live in.. and since its been so long since I have updated the masses on all the madness I decided to do a smaller series of blogs with snip its until I get back to my usual monthly/weekly updates! Randomness #1

At the end of last year CT was in for some "big" storms...not Ron Jeremy BIG but big for us New Englanders. Now growing up in a shoreline town, like most of my co-workers, we are all able to swim, tread water or just come up with a valid reason as to why we would not go near water. So when a co-worker who we will call "Daisy"gets her hurricane assignment and it happens to be near the beach she looks in horror at the supervisor and legit asks if she can have a fucking life jacket? A life jacket?? I mean our cars are held together with duct tape, the lockers are all rusty and we don't have lights or sirens in some of our cars, but sure let me go and get you that all important "life jacket" out of the janitors closet that you can wear while driving around the city INSIDE YOUR PATROL CAR!? Yet "Daisy" was still surprised that New Haven would not be supplying a floatation device for her (she must not have read that small disclaimer that if your life is in danger, you can use any item in the car or even small children as floatation devices) She pleaded with the boss and then exclaimed that "It was DANGEROUS OUT THERE!" Cue my classmate "Pencil" who chimes in with... "Daisy, this whole fucking job is dangerous... we're the POLICE!!!" LOL!!! Daisy storms out feeling like she is putting her life on the line for strangers (DUHHHH!! Again we are the POLICE) and rushes into the rain to her vehicle as "Pencil" watches the tantrum from the safety of behind a window. Daisy throws her items inside the car before climbing into what is sure to be morphed into a submarine and slams the door...leaving the bright NEON YELLOW rain jacket hanging out the drivers side door as she drives off... Moral of the story if it sounds dumb in your head...your gonna sound like a fucking asshole out loud.