Blood Sweat and Tears

Today started out as any other day that has since I broke my heel and re-injured my back. Elle helped me get dressed grab my crutches as we left for a wonderful day full of appointments that I could not drive to myself. The MRI was first on the list and boy was I happy that I had that pumpkin coffee right before being stuffed inside a teeny tiny flesh colored coffin and told not to move. I couldn't help but think of all the comedic things happening as my entire body was wedged into the coffin with a pillow smashed holding my legs up in the air and then told in a sexy voice by the female tech. "Now I am gonna move this very slow until completely inside for at least a half an hour; but I will check on you to make sure your ok throughout this experience." Ummm ok words like "completely inside"just should not be used by a professional... Unless your a total prosty (lady of the night) I mean I wonder what she thought as I layed there, legs raised in paper shorts, slightly covered by a quilt, smiling up at her from my bullet casing bed as I was ejaculated into the machine. Once inside the machine I opened my eyes to find that the ceiling was approximately 2 millimeters away from my face... start panic mode and nervous giggles. Immediately I began to regret the blanket that I had on due to the fact that I am now sweating bullets from every inch of my body (keep in mind I am wearing PAPER SHORTS)... my breathing increases and I start to get sick from the smell of my own rank ass coffee breath. I now know how sperm feel because I was literally trapped inside a penis for 30 minutes while it jiggled and made noise before spewing me out into the nice cold air! Ahhhhh...as Mel Gibson would say FREEDOM! I quickly jumped out of the hole leaving a wet body print and pillow to boot behind and scampered away from the nurse... I mean I didn't want her to think I really really liked this experience... the crouch of my paper shorts was just wet from sweat!!! I SWEAR!!! LOL Elle and I discussed the experience as we made our way to the second appointment of the day. Haircuts with my favorite Christie! Elle decided that she wanted to do away with her mullet and get "a real haircut." I personally loved the little ponytail it was like dating a character from the book The Outsiders... Ponyboy!! But this haircut was to be done by a professional... no dull knives would be haphazardly chopping away at her locks. We arrive 10 minutes late and quickly make our entrance. The usual filthy chit chat as my hair was cut and styled until my mind drifted back to my wet crouch. Why was I wet? Was I still sweating?? Nooooo I had left the tampon in for WAY too long. As my haircut finished I foolishly asked my friend/hairstylest/mother if she had another tampon. She said "Yeah" and made her way toward her "purse" or what any mother of a small child has a beach bag. Christie is quite little and as she disappeared inside the magic beach bag with only her little leopard print flats sticking out I immediately started to reconsider my decision to ask HER for a tampon. She climbs out of the canyon bag with the smallest tampon I have ever seen. Crushed and with the wrapper towards the plunger end open?! She was like "sorry... you never know whats on the bottom of your purse!" I stare at the "Ultra Slim" in utter disbelief. I mean this woman has given vaginal birth to two children and this...THIS is the tampon SHE IS USING?? I must have fucking beef drapes with a cavern cause this bitch uses SUPER!! I step into the bathroom with this swizzle stick of a tampon in my hand thinking this is gonna be ridiculous. I sit down to find that my tampon had in fact been leaking all the way down the string and pooling nicely in my underpants. Perfection... as I grab the sloppy blood soaked string and tug.. it plops into the toilet like an engorged heart still pumping blood. I pee out a few clots and then look at the tiny, crushed half opened "Ultra Thin" in my hand. Oh Christ.... no options now unless I was gonna make a McGyver Tampon out of toilet paper. I simply remove the tampon from the ALREADY opened package only to find that on the tip of the applicator/tampon (the part that goes inside the vajay) has a blade of grass stuck to it and also speckles of dirt and other debris... again I look in the toilet at the last one and knowing how much I am bleeding (basically need a tourniquet at this point) decide its the dirty "Ultra Thin" or nothing... I blow gently on the tip of the tampon to remove the dirt and grass before inserting the cigarette sized crushed tampon. I can't even feel this shit??? FLUSH... as I pull up my pants I can already see the string getting saturated with blood and know I have at best 20 minutes to get rid of the ciggy and find a cigar to stuff the dam!!! Thank god Elle was only getting a trim!!!!!

Flying F*cks and Frenzies

With a trip planned a week in advance to visit Elle's family, one is never truly prepared (only had one pair of clean undies and two socks that had only been worn once...thats clean right?) we booked our flights and filled a backpack the morning of our flights. Now anytime you sleep for like 3 hours and then get up for the day your poop schedule is just gonna be fucked. Doesn't matter who you are cause you body is like why the fuck are my eyes open and your asshole is like this is weird...and in all weird situations its best to stay CLENCHED & CLOSED!! Our flight to Dallas had a connection in Philly and since we had risen before Jesus we needed food. Im sure you could imagine our "wide" selection of food... there was one bar open (6am) and a McDonalds. We got our McBreakfast and sat dazed at gate 23 waiting to board. As soon as I finished my delicious meat like sandwich my stomach started to gurgle. I started getting nervous...I have had to shit on airplanes before (please see previous Greece entry) and it did NOT end well or stay in the toilet. Elle was in a similar situation so I offered to stay with the bags (lord knows if someone sees something they say something!) so she could shit without worries of having bags on the bathroom floor. She returns, refreshed and we board the plane... now my stomach had sort of calmed itself... probably from those quick walking air farts that are virtually silent. Philly was only 45 minutes away I could do this... well I had the sweats by the time we landed and with only 45 minutes till our flight to Dallas Elle was on her own with the bags while I quickly b-lined to the bathroom. Now I personally hate shitting in public, but Elle assured me that if it is ever appropriate the AIRPORT is one of those places. I walked into the wafting odor of asshole and noises that would make a grown man blush. Apparently ALL we do is SHIT IN AIRPORT BATHROOMS! Which makes for incredibly SLOW-STINKY lines. As I stand trying not grimace as my ass cheeks are so tightly smashed together my turn finally arrives. OH, and its the stall that faces all the other eager morning shitters still in line!! JOY!!!! I make my way into the stall and figure its now or never, drop my pants... holding the bottoms up to avoid whatever that fluid on the floor maybe and try to concentrate on dropping a deuce. I'm not sure what kinda face I make when shitting but I certainly DO NOT need an audience. As the pent up rage of gas and doody exits my rectum I look up to find that MY stall door has about a 3 inch gap where it meets the wall and I am now face to face with the line of eager shitters waiting their turn... AND THOSE FUCKERS ARE ACTUALLY STARING AT ME!!! Now anyone who knows me knows that shy isn't even in my vocab but really... an audience?! It wasn't even to the worst part... now I had to wipe my asshole with 1000 hungry eyes staring. And it was one of those tar shits where you HAVE to look at the toilet paper to make sure you got it all!!?? Finished...I felt odd exiting... do these people look at their toilet paper to make sure there is no shit left on it?? Wash my hands and leave, hoping that the first lady in line/eye to eye contact with me is not seated on my plane. Elle is in hysterics as I explain what just happened and we board our flight to Texas without any further incident. We spend an amazing weekend with her grandparents (except that its so hot outside YOU CAN NOT BREATH) and their puppies Caesar and Miss Wickets. My favorite conversation of the weekend was with with her grandma Deb who is AMAZING. She was telling me how there was something wrong with that Mitt Romney and the way he walks... like he has spikes or rings or something around his balls?? *It should be noted during this entire conversation she was using her hands as if she were cupping Mitt's balls* AMAZING... she swears by it.... Just watch the way he walks!! This was one of many conversations where I felt like I was talking to myself as an older woman. Simply an amazing woman. Popa T was just as interesting... esp the video we watched together about the solar system in silence.. like we were tripping on mushrooms or acid even though I was just drinking Stella!? His quote of the week was at breakfast when Elle, Deb, Popa T and I were talking about his fake steel knees and how well they worked... he paused and said "I wish they made other things!" I couldn't resist and gently rubbed his arm telling him "they don't make that!" LOL!!!!!!! The trip home was a different adventure.... To be continued

Vomication Urination!!! SUMMER FUN

Its always an adventure to travel with family esp. when you end up in cabins from the 30's and absolutely no privacy. This past vacation was amazing, well at least for me... maybe not for my fiance. After driving for hours we arrive at camp and unload our two items bedding/clothing (packed in plastic kohls bags)and walk down to find our cabin with my mom passed out on the front porch.

Nothing says WELCOME like a oodles of noodles hair, no bra and a pair of pj bottoms covering part of your face?! Ahh Mom... good to see you too! As we put our stuff away she explained how she had been having a hot flash and had dragged a mattress out on to the front porch to get some fresh air. LOL of course you did... the neighbors love full moons! We find "our" bedroom and push the two twin beds together for "sexy time" which we had not realized would never happen on this trip. You see the cabins were built before the concept of seperate rooms. Although it appeared as thought the rooms were seperated by a wall the walls did not reach the ceiling.. they were more of um.. a wood panel screen... beautiful just beautiful. Before going out for a night on the town I decide to shower. I strip down and bolt to the bathroom, which has a lovely window so you can hear everyone outside and if in the right position could possibly be seen... thank god I had been going to the gym. This is where the first adventure begins. Standing in front of the "shower" I note the floor mat which is like cut in half to remove the center part for the drain? The purple plastic curtain, surely pure of pubes and scum is stuck to the shower stall, which would more properly be described as a standup coffin. One of the water knobs is actually fucking rusted in the "off" position so lucky the left knob turned. I stepped into the water casket, BAREFOOT (cause who the fuck wears shower thongs really) when the ice cold water shooting out of pipe (no shower head) like speeding bullets penetrates my skin and rips off my left nipple. FUCK this shit hurts I attempt to manuvare out of the spray similiar to a nail gun when I realize the bath mat was partially upside down and the suction cups were actually attached to my barefeet. I was trapped!!! Each time I would free one foot from the cement shoe of a mat the other one was attached... as I finally broke free from the mat, and the acid water had ripped all the skin off my back, the purple curtain wrapped around my naked body like a sarong and finally I was free from the fucking death trap shower. Elle had similar issues in the shower but managed to look amazing as I was bleeding from the back, one nipple and wearing a purple surong. Out we go!! The bar was a great break from nature and as we sipped our beers more and more of my cousins arrived to join in the festivities and what would be come an epic night. After a few rounds of shots (no food) and amazing stories we decided to call it a night and head back to the woods. Elle had complained of stomach issues but I just figured she was probably hungry? I also had caught wind of an empty cabin and my drunken mind immediately turned to filthy thoughts.... cause there is nothing hotter then a drunk, one nipple bloody back girlfriend!! As we park the car I quickly usher her away from the family and into the darkness! She was not surprised basically because I ONLY think with my vulva/vagina. We get to the cabin and she tells me she is feeling a little better, which basically means "GO TIME" and as romantic as it was to lay down on a filthy plastic mattress (no sheet) with some sort of stain and we began what would be the most memorable night of our camping experience. As we were making out (maybe for 3 minutes) Elle yelled "GET OFF OF ME!!!! I'M GONNA BE SICK" which really makes your heart flutter when heard from your fiance. She bolts to the bathroom as I sit on the sticky plastic mattress waiting for whatever was going to happen. All of sudden I hear the vomit violently spewing from her tiny body and did what any amazing girlfriend would do... went in the bathroom to watch! I walked in to find my tiny lady squatting in front of the toilet vomiting up actual hot dogs and some sort of chili?! She was heaving so hard that her stomach appeared to touch her spinal cord before releasing the violent chunks... but it got better!!! See Elle initially thought that she was going to shit her brains out so she went into the bathroom, pulled down her pants and sat on the toilet before realizing this was going to go in a completely different direction! She quickly spun on her heels and heaved into the toilet, WITH HER PANTS STILL DOWN TO HER ANKLES! As she heaves out all sorts of carnival food, with each violent spew piss is shooting out of her vajay onto the floor!!!! I was in shock! I didn't know whether to rub her back, take a picture OR pull up her pants... so I just flushed the hot dog and chili mixture and rubbed her back. When she finally caught her breath and realized that she had pissed on the floor she was so sick she just shrugged and walked out leaving me with the puddle. As I sopped up the urine with the two remaining strips of toilet paper I thought.... Yes, this is exactly the woman I want to spend my life with... and then debated about chucking the urine saturated toilet paper at her!!! LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU ELLE!!!!

Tweet Tweet

Anyone who knows my mother knows that she is not the "do it yourself" type and with my father gone she kinda just flops around like a fish out of water if something goes haywire or disgusting happens. Well this story is no exception and actually excentuates this :) My father did a complete overhaul of our kitchen circa 1991 and being the crazy man that he was he bought an industrial stovetop, ven though all he cooked was filthy, crusty, burned london broil (the meat was like swallowing shards of black glass with a bloody center), which although looked very impressive was never used to its full capability. Above this massive stovetop was a cabinet (that we were forbidden to touch?! due to the fact that it was attached by double sided tape or some shit!? Forget the fact that the box AND I LOVE BOX was COVERED IN GREASE and FOOD PARTICLES!!) that incased some sort of a stove fan.... FLASH FORWARD to this past weekend... Over the spring birds have built a nest in the outside part of this fan structure causing poo, feathers and bird fetuses to shoot out when ever it is in use. Saturday, Mom was seated in the kitchen this weekend when she heard a noise followed by serious fucking tweets. Apparantely A BIRD had fallen down the shaft and was now trapped in screen part above the stove. Terrified Mom called a neighbor for assistance as my sister arrived with her baby. The neighbor, a nature loving woman (hairy armpits) explained that they had to remove the screen to free the trapped bird. She then began unscrewing the screen above the stove to free the bird as my sister gave her a harsh warning about touching the forbidden cabinet due to the "tape" and Dad's rules. She ignored my sister and continued screwing to get access to the shaft :)all of sudden the screen falls out feathers and bird shit fly all over the kitchen covering my mother, neighbor, SISTER AND BABY who had to all stand super fucking close to the action as to miss a tweet. (note the bird shit helped to adhere the feathers to each of the individuals faces but no fucking bird?!) My sister starts screaming about the feces with a shit and feather covered face, her her child who decides to eat some bird shit (which I can't blame her it does look similair to good n'plenty candy), my mother electrician arrives on scene. His face as he scans the shit show and feather festival was as if he was watching a train wreck... the concerned neighbor "selflessly" screams to the man that the bird is stuck in the shaft and its an emergency!! The man clears some feathers and bird shit reaches into the shaft as all the eager faces watch and pulls out... a fucking bird corpse that is forzen in time! His face turns to horror (as if the shit/feather covered kitchen WITH A BABY isnt horrifing enough) as he removes a second and whats this OH A FUCKING THIRD BIRD CORPSE from inside my mothers kitchen!! My sister starts screaming as my mother simply holds open a plastic zip lock birdie body bag now containing 3 rotting bird corpses and tells my sister to stop screaming... and looks to my neighbor, who is visibly upset and leaves just as my mother whips the zip lock baggie, birds and all at my sister!! The man takes $30 bucks (10 a bird) and leaves, forever changed from this experience. As we all discussed this the next day in hysterical laughter as I tried to explain what the fuck that poor bird must have been thinking.... falling down a fucking pitch black hole and landing on NOT 1 BUT 2 dead bodies!!!!! Your goddamn right I would have been screaming too... after taking a picture of course!

Thick Skinned

So my girlfriend and I have finally settled in to our new apartment and after living like male bacholors for 3 weeks we (she) decided we should probably have other things in the refridgerator then beer and leftovers. So being the amazing girlfriend that I am I volunteered to go the grocery store ALONE to buy food and things while she ran an errand. (It should be noted that I have never cooked and also bought a crock pot cook book) I bought all the ingrediants needed and decided to surprise her with pulled pork! This morning she left work, completely unaware of the disaster that was to happen. I got up soon after she left knowing this meal would take like 15 hours or something in the crock pot. I start off with the easy stuff... bbq sauce, liquid smoke etc and then comes the dicing of onions, which would have been easy if our knives weren't as sharp as sea glass. The sweat started pouring off of me as the kitty and I began dicing onions and "mincing" (whatever the fuck that means) garlic. Finished that task T-Rex and I high fived added what looked like two smashed tear drops of garlic and long strings of onion to the pot. Next came the meat... Pork Roast. Thats what the book said. I was careful last night to read each piece of meat at the filthy, bloody meat section to find the right "cut." PUKE. Although the meat looked normal and pink as I picked up the pack from inside the fridge blood poured out... which would probably not been nearly as gross had it been warm and not immediately licked up by the cat. (Blood and pussy kinda go together) As I unwrapped this ungodly cold fatty piece of pig I felt nasaus but confident I could pick it up and throw it into the pot without vomiting. SO... I slid my hand under the ice cold pig rump (my hand has been 1,000 worse places I tell myself to hold it together) and it felt different... smooth, moist yet prickly. What the fuck was this?? I flipped it over to discover that the entire back of this piece of meat was covered in actual pig skin. Including hair and moles and flaps!! Oh shit... I dropped the meat back into its filthy little package. SHIT... I can't cook this thing all covered actual SKIN. So I pick up the sea glass knife and begin to attempt to remove the skin, while dry heaving. The skin is tough and reminds me of a penis. I tug on it as the sea glass knife refuses to cut through the layer of fat holding miss piggy together. I continue sawing... this is awful... I have to take breaks and leave the room. The knife handle is slippery with oily pig fat and skin and the cat keeps trying to lick the hairy part of the skin... OMG gonna puke.. Finally after tugging, pulling, tearing, sea glassing this vile piece of meat the foreskin is free. I quickly pick it up and run toward the trash... this fucking skin weighs 10lbs and is slapping into my bare arm as I run.. I lean over to open the trash and no sooner do I do this the cat (balancing on her back paws) begins clawing at the skin and biting it.. OH CHIRST... With the skin out of sight... I call my girlfriend to tell her about this horrendous experience. Her response... "YOU CUT OFF THE SKIN??? DID YOU LEAVE ANY FAT ON THERE FOR FLAVOR??!!!" Ahhh gotta love the ladies from the midwest!! p.s. I have a whole new respect for Dr.s that perform circumcisions...

Death & Destruction

We all deal with the passing of a loved one in different ways... I recently lost my father and coming from a large family all of us coped in our own ways, however, my mothers coping was by far the most amazing to witness.

After the longest year of my life with my fathers decline and then loss of him I have learned even more to take things in stride and so did mom.... after this torturous night!

My aunts were in town helping mom and so when I called her a couple mornings after the funeral and she answered the phone sounding like shit smashed twice in the sun I was shocked. "Mom?" "yeah.... I had a rough night" She then began to describe to me one of the most momentous nights of her life.

She had started drinking beers to dull the pain early on and then for some reason she and her sisters decided the beers would go great with shots of patron silver. When she jolted out of her drunken "sleep" laying on the living room floor her mouth instantly filled with vomit (Now mom doesn't even allow us to walk with shoes on this carpet due to the fact that it is light colored and she doesn't want it to get stained.) She had to get to the bathroom but what was this... she couldn't walk?? Balance? Equilibrium? What were those?? As I have always said you know your drunk when you need to hold onto the ground to stop the world from spinning!!

She quickly mustered up the strength to crawl towards the bathroom, mouth full of chunks and sweating... she would be god damned to get puke on her carpet. She finally made it after defeating obstacles such as her 600 purses, my passed out aunt, chairs and my personal favorite having to open the closed bathroom door! Those bitches get ya every time! But she had made it... bruised knees and puke in mouth she was there.... As she approached the porcelain throne she found that she could not balance on her own knees and needed to physically HUG the toilet as hard as she could while vomiting so violently that she was bursting lots of things besides blood vessels in her face!

She woke up on the bathroom rug, side ponytail, stained shirt and thought maybe I can walk now. Upon standing she immediately feels a cold rush,itchy legs and hears a slosh.... she had vomited so hard that she had pissed herself.... and had pissed her self SOOOO MUCH that her knee brace AND socks were sopping wet with urine! Fuck me mom!!! LOL!!! She was forced to strip in the bathroom before making the mad dash upstairs into the shower and collapsing in her actual bed.

I couldn't resist stopping by later that day to see what she looked like after all she has seen me at my worst! She answered the door, dry mouthed and said "I am NEVER DRINKING AGAIN." She looked OK except for the spit dried on her face... and then she showed me the bruising on her chest... it looked like someone had dropped a toilet on her chest!!! What beautiful array of colors.... blues, purples and pinks like a Monet! :) I quickly saw the socks and knee brace hanging to dry after being disinfected.

So Cheers to you Mom and all my siblings for living...living each day to the fullest... even if it requires vomiting and/or urinating on oneself! Just how my father would have wanted it... I love you Dad and miss you everyday.

"Mardi Gras" (Strip Club)

Oh the tangled, shaven vaginas we weave or sniff!?
We rallied up the usual set of hooligans for one of our weekend trips of debauchery and headed out. The ride consisted of sexual stories, photos, odd smells and A LOT of makeup all while taking pulls off of a dusty old bottle of my fathers scotch...

Our eyes danced from all the glittery lights as we pulled into the strip club parking lot! It was like a scene from some trashy Vegas flick :) and we were in love.

"Inside"the club we watched the ladies dance around nude or in children sized g strings to some of our favorite hits, while we clapped along with our lady friend in the wheelchair next to us. This was my girlfriends first trip to a strip club and she was confused because the dancers were already nude except for heels (she asked where was the show?) and there was an elevator strictly for oral sex (ring the bell for service.) Our attention was immediately brought back to the stage as "Stars" approached. She sprawled out in front of us and began shoving pointy sharp finger nails inside her vagina... wow... as if this action was captivating enough she ended the finger puppet show by clicking her gynormous heels together CLICK!!!! Or should I say Clit because what followed was... well as she straddled the bar about 4 quarts of what could only be described as KARO syrup poured from her vaginal opening onto the bar below... I was definitely seeing STARS!!

Up next a round of shots (not those kind of shots you pigs) handed to us from "Star's" sticky fingers! I told Elle not to worry alcohol kills everything...as we forced down the filthy liquid. Our single friend was up for the next treat a lap dance followed by the most amazing acrobatic trick I had ever seen!!!! Star literally (while on the stage) placed her head between my friends legs and flipped her own body upside down so that the her snatch was basically giving my friend razor burn on her face!!!!! (SEE PHOTO) Elle was more concerned with Star hitting her back against the bar on the dismount... but I whispered "she's a professional" A friends 3some in the bathroom later and we were all back in the Jeep pondering where the fuck we had just been!!!!!! Cheers.... life ain't nothing but strippers and money

Belize it or not....

So my girlfriend and I decided last minute to go on a cruise, which was more like a safari because it was a lesbian cruise so you get to observe the lesbots in the wild!!
We smashed all our stuff into two suitcases (two quick favorites about my girls suitcase 1. It is neon green hard plastic and 2. My girlfriend is so skinny she basically has to mount/dry hump the suitcase in order to close it)and were off.

Once aboard the good ship lick-a-cunt we grabbed beverages, our sunglasses and sat back as the single ladies gathered in herds. They are forced to wear silver dog tags (similar to the scarlet letter)for easy identification if you wanted to "attack" one. I thought Lady Gaga's meat dress would have looked better but who am I to judge?

On day two we met up with my Aussie friend (who also happened to be single this cruise but safely surrounded by 10 of her closest mates) in the filthy hot tub for drinks and stories. As we told stories from the night before my eyes were glued to a couple in the tub with us. One lady completely normally looking while her girlfriend had bleach blonde filthy dirty dread locks bobbing up and down in the water...almost in time with her hand in her lady friends swimsuit bottom all while we were seated in the same warm bath. As Aussie talked she discussed how she had narrowed down her choice of solos to two possibles. She pointed them out poolside and Elle and I made our decision for her...we both chose the cop from out west. I offered to assist a fellow vag seeker aka Aussie who was being far too shy to make the first move so I chimed up to play golf. (Just for the record I don't think games where you have to clench a smooth hard object with both hands while staring at one or more balls should be on a lesbian cruise.) Three dirty jokes later the cop joined us in the pool. We had to move from the hot tub because of the dreads.

As Aussie and Cop chatted it up Elle's face became puzzled and concerned. Now I had noticed the two obese ladies in the pool with us (at 2pm)that were attached and floating about but had averted my eyes from all the skin folds, deodorant chunks and lip gloss but she hadn't and had at that very moment (as they bobbed towards us) realized that they were fucking. Great... First dread locks and pussy in the hot tub, now gizzards and labias in the pool. We called it a day and retreated to our room for some sanity and to prepare for our day ashore tomorrow in Belize.

After a wonderful day full of snorkeling (which included a lady with a prosthetic leg... ever see a flipper attached to a stump?) we arrived back at the ship to shower for dinner. Thats when it happened. Elle had to pee... then I peed, then she peed, then I peed etc... all the while feeling like we were pissing razor blades out of our urethra's. After a half hour we were in the fetal position on the bed and minutes later with the nurse in the medic suite. It was 10 after six and the medics closed at 6 so it cost 1,000 dollars for us to piss blood starfish into tiny cups and receive one pill to make it through the night. Elle told me her favorite part of our visit thus far was after i had peed in the cup and the nurse came in to test the PH she overheard her say "wow, this is pretty much the worst it can be...see how the colors are neon." Elle's wasn't as bad PH wise just full of blood :) We took our pills and left anxiously awaiting our Dr. visit in the a.m.

8a.m. on the nose we were seated side by side in the medics office when the oldest doctor appeared (he reminded me of Punky Brewster's father Henry Warnamont) blue scrubs, neatly parted hair, glasses and leather loafers. Peered over his glasses at us and called us both in to his office at the same time since we both were suffering from severe Urinary Tract Infections. As we sat with Dr. Warnamont he gave us a plethora of reasons why we could have gotten such terrible infections and then briefly left the room to get our prescriptions. Upon returning he sat down, adjusted his glasses and looked directly into Elle and my soul. He then said and I quote "Ya know, on cruises like this people tend to get more romantic...so if your going to use the dildo we recommend that after you take a sip of water and empty your bladder." WTF??!!!!! THE DILDO???? Twilight zone...

Honduras was up the next day and with our vaginas back on track we were out on the prowl for more adventures when we ran into Aussie. Elle and I were so excited to see how things ended the other day with the cop!! We each grabbed a drink and headed for our usual filthy cesspool of a hot tube where the Aussie explained how the night ended. After we left them poolside the conversation continued and even moved in the right direction as Aussie and cop retreated to Aussie's stateroom. (side note... Cop was on the cruise with her cousin and her cousin's girlfriend) Once in the stateroom Aussie started feeling more comfortable and the idea of a hookup started to creep into her mind when everything was interrupted by a knock at the door? Aussie, who didn't have a roommate was shocked so she answered the door to find the cops cousin a mess in the hallway exclaiming that she had just been notified that her brother had been killed and needed to be with cop. Cop pulled up her bra straps and left the room. Aussie and I discussed this because someone better seriously be dead because if you use that as a get out of hook up card your pretty much guaranteed a seat next to Lucifer.

Several infections and stories later including public sex acts we arrived home safe and smiling looking forward to bringing more friends on our next lesbian adventure!!!

Anal Adventures

Happy hour usually brings out the best in people but this past weekends was icing on the cake.
Several of us, friends, strangers and even some of my girlfriend's co-workers met a small Spanish watering hole to exchange stories over shots of patron and margaritas. *It should be noted that sampling tequila in shot form is like drinking truth serum and only makes amazing stories even more GRAPHIC/EPIC.*
The following is a brief recap of three of the most amazing anal sex stories I have ever heard... and even more amazing is all three happened to the same girl... "Tracy"
Story #1
Tracy went to a very well known college and had lived her life as a good girl up until college. She was now ready to "let her hair down" so to speak venture out, drink and take life by the or maybe life was gonna take her by the...dirty freckle. Within the first couple weeks of college life Tracy found herself drunk at a frat party with a handsome fraternity brother...IN A HOT TUB. One thing led to another and the next thing ya know Tracy was getting filled out like an application in the hot tub by the handsome frat boy. As the session went on the frat boy wanted to change locations but drunk Tracy refused due to the fact that it was cold outside of the 102 degree water. Frat boy coaxed her out with promises of a warm shower, which moments later is where they end up. Tracy explained that as she stood in the warm water she suddenly felt a sharp pain and the next thing she knew she was staring at the shower floor and getting drilled in the anus. Tracy was confused (since she had never had anal sex) as to how she ended up face down in luke warm water with rod up her ass. The story ends there until the next day when she wakes up in her dorm room with intense pain in her neck and bum. As she rubbed her neck she asked her roommate if there was something there and slowly moved her hair. Her roommates eyes bulged out of her head and told her "holy shit there is a huge bruise!" It was then that Tracy figured out what had happened inside the shower... she had fallen victim to the ultimate in sexual faux pas ...the donkey punch. (For those of you who don't know the definition a DONKEY PUNCH: The Donkey Punch is when your engaged in anal sex and when your about to ejaculate you punch the poor little lady in the back of the head so her anal cavity tightens making the orgasm all that more better.) All the more excellent is this was not only her first experience with anal sex it was one of three in a short time period... cue the next story!!
Story #2
After a long night of fun and debauchery Tracy and her male companion walked for several blocks discussing mostly filthy stuff until they found themselves at the beach... (at this point of the story I was so excited I was practically holding my breath praying she had fallen victim to another sexual act known as the screaming seagull... SCREAMING SEAGULL: While having sex on a beach, you remove your wiener and dip it in the sand. Then you reinsert. The result is a screaming seagull.) Lucky for Tracy she was spared the screaming seagull but her anus was not spared... because bachelor number 2 went straight for the poop shoot and before she knew it, she was waist deep in the dirty water getting fudge packed... ahhh water, salt and rock hard schlong equals and excellent cleaning followed by severe chaffing. Alls well that ends well... besides the ocean is full of foam whats a little extra?!
Story #3
The last story Tracy shared of the night involved her ex-boyfriend, whom she spent many years dating. After sharing laughs, stories and numbers Tracy found herself in what would be her boyfriends dorm room. The dead kid asleep in his bed was removed and they instantly ripped off each other clothes and began to go at it. *Both Tracy and BF were extremely intoxicated during this incident but whiskey dick never stopped anyone ;) right? So as the sex began it slowly started to build causing Tracy to make a distressed face, which BF found very concerning. BF asked Tracy what was wrong??? He was confused by her agonized face... Tracy was quick to respond with "Of course somethings wrong...your fucking my asshole!" LOL Nothing like the first time to break the ice or sphincter!!! (It should be noted these events occurred over a short time period and no anal sex has happened since. Tracy's ass is NOT a cum dumpster.)
I can't thank honest people enough!! These stories happen all the time and sharing is caring so keep the booze coming and the assholes open!!! WU HOO to pulsating poop shoots!!