Thick Skinned

So my girlfriend and I have finally settled in to our new apartment and after living like male bacholors for 3 weeks we (she) decided we should probably have other things in the refridgerator then beer and leftovers. So being the amazing girlfriend that I am I volunteered to go the grocery store ALONE to buy food and things while she ran an errand. (It should be noted that I have never cooked and also bought a crock pot cook book) I bought all the ingrediants needed and decided to surprise her with pulled pork! This morning she left work, completely unaware of the disaster that was to happen. I got up soon after she left knowing this meal would take like 15 hours or something in the crock pot. I start off with the easy stuff... bbq sauce, liquid smoke etc and then comes the dicing of onions, which would have been easy if our knives weren't as sharp as sea glass. The sweat started pouring off of me as the kitty and I began dicing onions and "mincing" (whatever the fuck that means) garlic. Finished that task T-Rex and I high fived added what looked like two smashed tear drops of garlic and long strings of onion to the pot. Next came the meat... Pork Roast. Thats what the book said. I was careful last night to read each piece of meat at the filthy, bloody meat section to find the right "cut." PUKE. Although the meat looked normal and pink as I picked up the pack from inside the fridge blood poured out... which would probably not been nearly as gross had it been warm and not immediately licked up by the cat. (Blood and pussy kinda go together) As I unwrapped this ungodly cold fatty piece of pig I felt nasaus but confident I could pick it up and throw it into the pot without vomiting. SO... I slid my hand under the ice cold pig rump (my hand has been 1,000 worse places I tell myself to hold it together) and it felt different... smooth, moist yet prickly. What the fuck was this?? I flipped it over to discover that the entire back of this piece of meat was covered in actual pig skin. Including hair and moles and flaps!! Oh shit... I dropped the meat back into its filthy little package. SHIT... I can't cook this thing all covered actual SKIN. So I pick up the sea glass knife and begin to attempt to remove the skin, while dry heaving. The skin is tough and reminds me of a penis. I tug on it as the sea glass knife refuses to cut through the layer of fat holding miss piggy together. I continue sawing... this is awful... I have to take breaks and leave the room. The knife handle is slippery with oily pig fat and skin and the cat keeps trying to lick the hairy part of the skin... OMG gonna puke.. Finally after tugging, pulling, tearing, sea glassing this vile piece of meat the foreskin is free. I quickly pick it up and run toward the trash... this fucking skin weighs 10lbs and is slapping into my bare arm as I run.. I lean over to open the trash and no sooner do I do this the cat (balancing on her back paws) begins clawing at the skin and biting it.. OH CHIRST... With the skin out of sight... I call my girlfriend to tell her about this horrendous experience. Her response... "YOU CUT OFF THE SKIN??? DID YOU LEAVE ANY FAT ON THERE FOR FLAVOR??!!!" Ahhh gotta love the ladies from the midwest!! p.s. I have a whole new respect for Dr.s that perform circumcisions...