Anything but "Normal"

The holidays are always a time for being around family and friends and since my wife is originally from Chicago we split the holidays either on the East Coast or in the windy city.  This past Thanksgiving was our first Thanksgiving to spend with her family.  We flew to Chicago, got in a day early had an amazing dinner followed by a great holiday with the usual joking around and story telling.  My wife decided that since her brother, had visited us on the East Coast we should visit him and his girlfriend's, condo in southern Illinois.  They were excited for us to come so they could show us around.  So we set out on our adventure Friday afternoon....  A three hour car ride with four fools in a car headed to town called Normal, IL.

When we got there it was everything a small town in Illinois should be.  Parking lots, pubs, restaurants and just enough people to keep things interesting.  We stopped at a great restaurant for some drinks and appetizers before heading to the condo.  The condo was gorgeous and shared with an amazing man, Steve, who not only allowed Elle and I to sleep in his bed, we got to use his private bathroom.. that's important later.  We all got ready and hit the town.  We ate first some wings that looked like they were black and yummy pizza before hopping in a cab and heading to a great bar to meet Steve's son.

In the pub pints, laughs and shots of god knows what are flowing!!  We find Steve's son and hitch it back to downtown Normal to hit the local pubs....

The pub we ended up at had huge dance floor and we were with a large group.  In the mix there was some three way or some shit going on but I was oblivious as Elle was trying to give good advice...the only part of the conversation I heard was the gay girl tell Elle was how they (she and straight girl) had been hooking up for weeks BUT this past weekend the other girl FINALLY WENT DOWN ON HER?!  I watched as my wife sipped her beer and shook her head "no."  Before turning and talking to someone else before again being hounded for queer advice.  I took the easy exit out being asked anything sensible... by grabbing my brother in-law and we climbed onto a counter and started dancing ridiculously and really got the crowd going!!  I left him to wow the crowd while I crawled away thinking how did this counter get to be so 9ft high??  Once back on the ground more friends of friends arrived and the booze continued to flow, along with the queer drama a pushing match and two girls searching the ground on their hands and knees (thongs way out of their tights) for what I could only imagine was a contact or $100 bill.... I mean why the fuck else would you touch a floor that had a good ole coating of semen, vomit, spit and beer wax as they rubbed it down.  I called it quits, and we headed back to the condo.  (P.S. our train back to Chicago was at 7:30am.)
I was placed in pj's and left in a bed while my wife and friends took videos of me passed out with other people doing donkey kicks over my head?  Such a limber ladies!!

I wake up at 7:29a.m. about to shit my the bed.... I go running to the (thank god private) bathroom that our host provided (very nicely decorated) and did some decorating of my own.  A splash of color here, a clump of something there... you get the idea.  After my entire system was emptied I began my crawl back to bed.  When, what is this my body says OH NO!!!!!   I run back to the shit stink and shove my face directly into my recently painted canvas and begin vomiting black and blue.  I truly am an artist!

Unfortunately, I am so passionate about my art that I was heaving SO HARD that you guessed it... I pissed my pants.  Not just a squirt... A LOT.  Like had to dab the floor with toilet paper LOT.  Now since we were only staying 1 night I had not brought extra underwear, and since I was still exhausted didn't really give a shit about my wet panties and pj's.....  I am so sorry STEVE!!!!!!
But I did it... I climbed back into your wonderful bed full of piss with vomit fragments in the corners of my mouth!!  I OWE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Elle woke me up in a panic!!!!!  WE MISSED THE TRAIN!!!!  It was now almost 11a.m. and we had to rush to get to the station.  AGAIN I had no clean underwear so I just put my jeans on over the sopping wet panties.  OUT THE DOOR!!!!

We made it just in time.... or so we thought.  The train was delayed for what ended up being 3 FUCKING HOURS (WET PANTS THE ENTIRE TIME PEOPLE!!) As we sat there waiting I was like maybe we should eat something?

 Ya know, take the edge off.  So Elle and I wondered over to Subway.  I got the best thing for a hangover.  A tuna sandwich from a train station Subway.  We sat down I devoured my sandwich, looked at Elle.  She could see the vomit rising in my throat and just said "go."  Its not like I left her alone.... I mean there was a small boy at a table across from us who was wearing a bandana like a bank robber and a baseball hat, staring at her.  As I ran passed him I saw him remove the bandana and say "I am no longer in disguise."  WTF?????  OKKKKKKK.........

Across the station I bolt, jeans wet in the ass and all into the ladies room (which I hardly even qualify to use at this point right??) Push open the door and BOOM!  Oh what's this when I enter??  Just a woman who has tri color hair smells like pony musk and is using a fucking PLUG IN STRAIGHTNER ON HER HAIR?!?

I didn't know if the smell of a pony or the fact that she was straightening that matted mess was more shocking...no time because once I passed her and made the corner I ran directly into a a woman taking a "shower" we will say at the sink.... 

I think its safe to say that her once supple breasts had transformed into what can only be described as moist mommy bags with the nipples resting ever so gently on the edge of the train station bathroom counter (moving ever so slightly, swaying if you will, as to leave little wet marks on the ledge) and a black bush poking out from the top of her unbuttoned jeans.  Of course this only solidified that fact that I was indeed going to VOMIT.  Into the handicap stall throw my jacket on the ground and begin heaving so loud that I hear someone getting sick listening to me.  After a good heave... I sat down against the cold metal door with no lock, jacket on the ground and thought.... I am these women...I just hide it better.  I slowly climb to my knees with the use of the metal rails and sling my now dirty jacket onto my back and walk out to find my two "friends" staring at me.... I sighed as I walked passed them, WITHOUT WASHING MY HANDS and sighed softly "ohhhh god."

I found Elle cleaning up the remains of her sandwich and ending what appeared to be a conversation with the little bandit.  She told me that after I had run off he was like geessh whats with him? (short hair) and my wife was like sick ya know.  Boy nodded and then said "what'd ya get on yours" motioning to her sandwich with his head.  She told him and he replied with that he got a Fanta grape and a sandwich with black olives, which he advised her and I quote "believe me I used to not like olives."  At least she had company while I was making friends.  I found my way to the worlds most uncomfortable bench and layed down until my neck completely snapped off...

So this is what it felt like to die.  Elle read her book pretending not to know me as the crowds shuffled passed us, her dressed looking presentable, me piss covered jeans, dirty jacket, ridiculous hair; and last nights running down my face.  FINALLY OUR TRAIN!!!!!!!!!   I could not have been more tickled after empting my entire body, drying off and finding seats directly in front of a (horrified to see to gay ladies, one practically dead) Amish family.

As I sat back and listen to them speak in what I could only imagine was damning words about us in a far off language I grabbed my wife's and we smiled at each other, before we peeked at them through the seat, kissed and fell off to sleep! AHHHHHH!!!!!!  Another wonderful adventure with yours truly... THE CUDDYS! 

HAPPY HOLIDIZZLES!!!