Final "Shit Show" of 2014!!

 

December is known for Holiday traditions such as eggnog, parties and of course the yule log and this last event from this year contains all of the above and so much more.  Elle and I were invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party, which neither of us had ever been to before so we were more than amped when we picked out our holiday delights to wear.  I selected something colorful with lights, while Elle went with standard preschool teacher décor.

The party was a hit and had so much delicious/greasy foods and tons of booze (both of which make your intestines like a water slide) among the usual laughter and sick stories from the gang.  As the booze flowed the stories become better and by better I mean more sexual, graphic in nature and whimsical for the holidays.  Elle located a pile of fun cut outs and I lost her for an hour or so doing god knows what but these were the only appropriate pictures of her to post...



 Meanwhile, I was busy "ringing in the new year" with some perfectly placed decorative balls.

Now all of this is normal party antics, drinks, food, balls etc.... but the story takes a horrific turn for the worse as Elle and I decided to call it a night.  We had gotten two amazing gifts from a swap, both included expensive liquor and custom glasses, that I was deemed in charge of by my wife??  Does she even know me?  LMFAO..... Ok....

So I gather up our coats say my goodbyes as she continues chatting and exit the condo on the way to our car, which is parked a block or so away near some woods... IN A CONDO COMPLEX (we aren't talking about the fucking forest here!!!!!) 

 As I walked alone, arms full of booze towards the car I felt something building inside me...

 

 

 Was it gas?? No.. Cramps?? Not quite..... Thats when the "holy ghost" hit me!!!!  I was going to shit myself!!!!  I began to jog as best I could while clenching my ass cheeks as much as possible without letting the slithery shit spill out and barely got to the car, sweating and cramping....  OMG was the pressure building.  With no time to spare I hap hazard reached inside my car only to find used filthy, hard, crunchy napkins strewn about on the floor which I grabbed, they would have to do and bolted for the "woods." 

I only made it about 15 steps in some brush when I ran out of time.  The street appeared clear...and as I ripped off my jeans and underpants the fluids just started spilling out of me followed by logs, INDUSTRIAL LOGS... Several things should be noted here.  1. I was in a condo complex. 2. I had brought our gifts into the "shit show." 3. I only had hard crusty dirty napkins for wiping AND 4.  DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MAINTAIN A SQUAT WHILE DRUNK AND SHITTING IN THE WOODS?????  EXACTLY.....

As the mounds of clay like shit left my body I heard talking..what was this??  Oh, shit more party goers leaving, my stressed passed when I realized it was only Vee and her boyfriend not that anyone should ever see you shitting in the woods and trying to wipe with concrete napkins, but if I had to choose she would make the list.  Now as you know when one must wipe their ass they must use one hand which when your drunk totally throws off your balance and BOOM down I go.  Lucky I had the wits about me to lean back and avoid the lava pile of shit and land in leaves!  No time!!!!  As I struggled to my feet and hurried to get my pants on I was spotted by Vee.   "Cuddy WTF are you doing?"  Well, at this point what the fuck was I gonna say....enjoying the foliage taking the imaginary dog for a walk... NO I yelled to her and her new boyfriend I had to shit in the woods... 

Now for my escape (all 15 feet to my car/street) teetering and unable to see pile of shit

I began walking confidently out of the woods when it happened.... I found my shit... not only did I find it... but I booted it like a soccer ball into the air where it immediately exploded like glittery fireworks of excrement!!!!!!! 

I closed my mouth to make sure I didn't literally eat shit and prayed that I was far enough away from my friends that they were not covered in a drizzle of doody and kept up my confident walk.  I made a couple of jokes as Elle approached the car too.  Now it gets weird... four of us talking and it smells like shit, not any shit MY SHIT.  Vee and her boyfriend slowly back away from me as I look down to see shit on the top of my boot.  Oh Christ.... Laughing trying to remain calm I decide to tell everyone I have my own shit on my shoe... Disgusted Elle hands me a clean napkin?? Lord knows where this gem had been hidden but in my attempts to clean my boot off I just smeared the tar like feces all over my hand....

Elle was more than disgusted and kept asking me why the hell I hadn't walked the 10 steps back to the party and used the bathroom?!?!?!?  While I just kept asking her for sanitizer and more napkins as Vee and her boyfriend silently made their exit...I remember seeing their rear lights fade into the distance (Vee knows me too well.)  I clean up best we can while getting a ride home and ditch the boots outside once home. Safe at last.... Another night to remember....ahh yes a memory...  Elle was curious over the next couple of days as to where our classy booze gifts were and to be honest I have no fucking clue??!! So we left that behind along with the heaping mound of shit after an amazing party OR SO WE THOUGHT.......

Laundry days come and go time passes and I can never tell truly what has been washed or not but it is now Christmas Eve and we are off to spend it with my family.  We shower, get dressed, Elle in her cute new Christmas outfit, me in my new sweater and my favorite jeans and continue getting ready.....It wasn't until I walked into the bathrooms horrific bright lights that I looked down only to realize that THESE JEANS, THE PARTY JEANS HAD NEVER BEEN WASHED!!!!!!!!

I STARED DOWN AT THEM IN THE BATHROOM, NEXT TO MY WIFE WITH A LEFT LEG COVERED IN SHIT (*NOTE ACTUAL PICTURE BELOW*)

Elle was disgusted and yelled at me to change...WTF was wrong with me...but after she left the bathroom I just grabbed the peppermint soap and washed off as much shit as possible and walked out of the house with a wet left leg.  As I approached the car Elle looked at my jeans, realized I had not changed and shook her head in disbelief/disgust and disappointedly said "Come on you filth monger!"

Happy New Years Eve!!!!!!! 

May you not be covered in shit confetti but real confetti and may the only thing you kick up tonight be your heels!!!!!  

SEE YOU IN 2015!!!!!

XO CUDDY

 

 



Anything but "Normal"

The holidays are always a time for being around family and friends and since my wife is originally from Chicago we split the holidays either on the East Coast or in the windy city.  This past Thanksgiving was our first Thanksgiving to spend with her family.  We flew to Chicago, got in a day early had an amazing dinner followed by a great holiday with the usual joking around and story telling.  My wife decided that since her brother, had visited us on the East Coast we should visit him and his girlfriend's, condo in southern Illinois.  They were excited for us to come so they could show us around.  So we set out on our adventure Friday afternoon....  A three hour car ride with four fools in a car headed to town called Normal, IL.

When we got there it was everything a small town in Illinois should be.  Parking lots, pubs, restaurants and just enough people to keep things interesting.  We stopped at a great restaurant for some drinks and appetizers before heading to the condo.  The condo was gorgeous and shared with an amazing man, Steve, who not only allowed Elle and I to sleep in his bed, we got to use his private bathroom.. that's important later.  We all got ready and hit the town.  We ate first some wings that looked like they were black and yummy pizza before hopping in a cab and heading to a great bar to meet Steve's son.

In the pub pints, laughs and shots of god knows what are flowing!!  We find Steve's son and hitch it back to downtown Normal to hit the local pubs....

The pub we ended up at had huge dance floor and we were with a large group.  In the mix there was some three way or some shit going on but I was oblivious as Elle was trying to give good advice...the only part of the conversation I heard was the gay girl tell Elle was how they (she and straight girl) had been hooking up for weeks BUT this past weekend the other girl FINALLY WENT DOWN ON HER?!  I watched as my wife sipped her beer and shook her head "no."  Before turning and talking to someone else before again being hounded for queer advice.  I took the easy exit out being asked anything sensible... by grabbing my brother in-law and we climbed onto a counter and started dancing ridiculously and really got the crowd going!!  I left him to wow the crowd while I crawled away thinking how did this counter get to be so 9ft high??  Once back on the ground more friends of friends arrived and the booze continued to flow, along with the queer drama a pushing match and two girls searching the ground on their hands and knees (thongs way out of their tights) for what I could only imagine was a contact or $100 bill.... I mean why the fuck else would you touch a floor that had a good ole coating of semen, vomit, spit and beer wax as they rubbed it down.  I called it quits, and we headed back to the condo.  (P.S. our train back to Chicago was at 7:30am.)
I was placed in pj's and left in a bed while my wife and friends took videos of me passed out with other people doing donkey kicks over my head?  Such a limber ladies!!

I wake up at 7:29a.m. about to shit my the bed.... I go running to the (thank god private) bathroom that our host provided (very nicely decorated) and did some decorating of my own.  A splash of color here, a clump of something there... you get the idea.  After my entire system was emptied I began my crawl back to bed.  When, what is this my body says OH NO!!!!!   I run back to the shit stink and shove my face directly into my recently painted canvas and begin vomiting black and blue.  I truly am an artist!

Unfortunately, I am so passionate about my art that I was heaving SO HARD that you guessed it... I pissed my pants.  Not just a squirt... A LOT.  Like had to dab the floor with toilet paper LOT.  Now since we were only staying 1 night I had not brought extra underwear, and since I was still exhausted didn't really give a shit about my wet panties and pj's.....  I am so sorry STEVE!!!!!!
But I did it... I climbed back into your wonderful bed full of piss with vomit fragments in the corners of my mouth!!  I OWE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Elle woke me up in a panic!!!!!  WE MISSED THE TRAIN!!!!  It was now almost 11a.m. and we had to rush to get to the station.  AGAIN I had no clean underwear so I just put my jeans on over the sopping wet panties.  OUT THE DOOR!!!!

We made it just in time.... or so we thought.  The train was delayed for what ended up being 3 FUCKING HOURS (WET PANTS THE ENTIRE TIME PEOPLE!!) As we sat there waiting I was like maybe we should eat something?

 Ya know, take the edge off.  So Elle and I wondered over to Subway.  I got the best thing for a hangover.  A tuna sandwich from a train station Subway.  We sat down I devoured my sandwich, looked at Elle.  She could see the vomit rising in my throat and just said "go."  Its not like I left her alone.... I mean there was a small boy at a table across from us who was wearing a bandana like a bank robber and a baseball hat, staring at her.  As I ran passed him I saw him remove the bandana and say "I am no longer in disguise."  WTF?????  OKKKKKKK.........

Across the station I bolt, jeans wet in the ass and all into the ladies room (which I hardly even qualify to use at this point right??) Push open the door and BOOM!  Oh what's this when I enter??  Just a woman who has tri color hair smells like pony musk and is using a fucking PLUG IN STRAIGHTNER ON HER HAIR?!?

I didn't know if the smell of a pony or the fact that she was straightening that matted mess was more shocking...no time because once I passed her and made the corner I ran directly into a a woman taking a "shower" we will say at the sink.... 

I think its safe to say that her once supple breasts had transformed into what can only be described as moist mommy bags with the nipples resting ever so gently on the edge of the train station bathroom counter (moving ever so slightly, swaying if you will, as to leave little wet marks on the ledge) and a black bush poking out from the top of her unbuttoned jeans.  Of course this only solidified that fact that I was indeed going to VOMIT.  Into the handicap stall throw my jacket on the ground and begin heaving so loud that I hear someone getting sick listening to me.  After a good heave... I sat down against the cold metal door with no lock, jacket on the ground and thought.... I am these women...I just hide it better.  I slowly climb to my knees with the use of the metal rails and sling my now dirty jacket onto my back and walk out to find my two "friends" staring at me.... I sighed as I walked passed them, WITHOUT WASHING MY HANDS and sighed softly "ohhhh god."

I found Elle cleaning up the remains of her sandwich and ending what appeared to be a conversation with the little bandit.  She told me that after I had run off he was like geessh whats with him? (short hair) and my wife was like sick ya know.  Boy nodded and then said "what'd ya get on yours" motioning to her sandwich with his head.  She told him and he replied with that he got a Fanta grape and a sandwich with black olives, which he advised her and I quote "believe me I used to not like olives."  At least she had company while I was making friends.  I found my way to the worlds most uncomfortable bench and layed down until my neck completely snapped off...

So this is what it felt like to die.  Elle read her book pretending not to know me as the crowds shuffled passed us, her dressed looking presentable, me piss covered jeans, dirty jacket, ridiculous hair; and last nights running down my face.  FINALLY OUR TRAIN!!!!!!!!!   I could not have been more tickled after empting my entire body, drying off and finding seats directly in front of a (horrified to see to gay ladies, one practically dead) Amish family.

As I sat back and listen to them speak in what I could only imagine was damning words about us in a far off language I grabbed my wife's and we smiled at each other, before we peeked at them through the seat, kissed and fell off to sleep! AHHHHHH!!!!!!  Another wonderful adventure with yours truly... THE CUDDYS! 

HAPPY HOLIDIZZLES!!!