Final "Shit Show" of 2014!!

 

December is known for Holiday traditions such as eggnog, parties and of course the yule log and this last event from this year contains all of the above and so much more.  Elle and I were invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party, which neither of us had ever been to before so we were more than amped when we picked out our holiday delights to wear.  I selected something colorful with lights, while Elle went with standard preschool teacher décor.

The party was a hit and had so much delicious/greasy foods and tons of booze (both of which make your intestines like a water slide) among the usual laughter and sick stories from the gang.  As the booze flowed the stories become better and by better I mean more sexual, graphic in nature and whimsical for the holidays.  Elle located a pile of fun cut outs and I lost her for an hour or so doing god knows what but these were the only appropriate pictures of her to post...



 Meanwhile, I was busy "ringing in the new year" with some perfectly placed decorative balls.

Now all of this is normal party antics, drinks, food, balls etc.... but the story takes a horrific turn for the worse as Elle and I decided to call it a night.  We had gotten two amazing gifts from a swap, both included expensive liquor and custom glasses, that I was deemed in charge of by my wife??  Does she even know me?  LMFAO..... Ok....

So I gather up our coats say my goodbyes as she continues chatting and exit the condo on the way to our car, which is parked a block or so away near some woods... IN A CONDO COMPLEX (we aren't talking about the fucking forest here!!!!!) 

 As I walked alone, arms full of booze towards the car I felt something building inside me...

 

 

 Was it gas?? No.. Cramps?? Not quite..... Thats when the "holy ghost" hit me!!!!  I was going to shit myself!!!!  I began to jog as best I could while clenching my ass cheeks as much as possible without letting the slithery shit spill out and barely got to the car, sweating and cramping....  OMG was the pressure building.  With no time to spare I hap hazard reached inside my car only to find used filthy, hard, crunchy napkins strewn about on the floor which I grabbed, they would have to do and bolted for the "woods." 

I only made it about 15 steps in some brush when I ran out of time.  The street appeared clear...and as I ripped off my jeans and underpants the fluids just started spilling out of me followed by logs, INDUSTRIAL LOGS... Several things should be noted here.  1. I was in a condo complex. 2. I had brought our gifts into the "shit show." 3. I only had hard crusty dirty napkins for wiping AND 4.  DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MAINTAIN A SQUAT WHILE DRUNK AND SHITTING IN THE WOODS?????  EXACTLY.....

As the mounds of clay like shit left my body I heard talking..what was this??  Oh, shit more party goers leaving, my stressed passed when I realized it was only Vee and her boyfriend not that anyone should ever see you shitting in the woods and trying to wipe with concrete napkins, but if I had to choose she would make the list.  Now as you know when one must wipe their ass they must use one hand which when your drunk totally throws off your balance and BOOM down I go.  Lucky I had the wits about me to lean back and avoid the lava pile of shit and land in leaves!  No time!!!!  As I struggled to my feet and hurried to get my pants on I was spotted by Vee.   "Cuddy WTF are you doing?"  Well, at this point what the fuck was I gonna say....enjoying the foliage taking the imaginary dog for a walk... NO I yelled to her and her new boyfriend I had to shit in the woods... 

Now for my escape (all 15 feet to my car/street) teetering and unable to see pile of shit

I began walking confidently out of the woods when it happened.... I found my shit... not only did I find it... but I booted it like a soccer ball into the air where it immediately exploded like glittery fireworks of excrement!!!!!!! 

I closed my mouth to make sure I didn't literally eat shit and prayed that I was far enough away from my friends that they were not covered in a drizzle of doody and kept up my confident walk.  I made a couple of jokes as Elle approached the car too.  Now it gets weird... four of us talking and it smells like shit, not any shit MY SHIT.  Vee and her boyfriend slowly back away from me as I look down to see shit on the top of my boot.  Oh Christ.... Laughing trying to remain calm I decide to tell everyone I have my own shit on my shoe... Disgusted Elle hands me a clean napkin?? Lord knows where this gem had been hidden but in my attempts to clean my boot off I just smeared the tar like feces all over my hand....

Elle was more than disgusted and kept asking me why the hell I hadn't walked the 10 steps back to the party and used the bathroom?!?!?!?  While I just kept asking her for sanitizer and more napkins as Vee and her boyfriend silently made their exit...I remember seeing their rear lights fade into the distance (Vee knows me too well.)  I clean up best we can while getting a ride home and ditch the boots outside once home. Safe at last.... Another night to remember....ahh yes a memory...  Elle was curious over the next couple of days as to where our classy booze gifts were and to be honest I have no fucking clue??!! So we left that behind along with the heaping mound of shit after an amazing party OR SO WE THOUGHT.......

Laundry days come and go time passes and I can never tell truly what has been washed or not but it is now Christmas Eve and we are off to spend it with my family.  We shower, get dressed, Elle in her cute new Christmas outfit, me in my new sweater and my favorite jeans and continue getting ready.....It wasn't until I walked into the bathrooms horrific bright lights that I looked down only to realize that THESE JEANS, THE PARTY JEANS HAD NEVER BEEN WASHED!!!!!!!!

I STARED DOWN AT THEM IN THE BATHROOM, NEXT TO MY WIFE WITH A LEFT LEG COVERED IN SHIT (*NOTE ACTUAL PICTURE BELOW*)

Elle was disgusted and yelled at me to change...WTF was wrong with me...but after she left the bathroom I just grabbed the peppermint soap and washed off as much shit as possible and walked out of the house with a wet left leg.  As I approached the car Elle looked at my jeans, realized I had not changed and shook her head in disbelief/disgust and disappointedly said "Come on you filth monger!"

Happy New Years Eve!!!!!!! 

May you not be covered in shit confetti but real confetti and may the only thing you kick up tonight be your heels!!!!!  

SEE YOU IN 2015!!!!!

XO CUDDY

 

 



Anything but "Normal"

The holidays are always a time for being around family and friends and since my wife is originally from Chicago we split the holidays either on the East Coast or in the windy city.  This past Thanksgiving was our first Thanksgiving to spend with her family.  We flew to Chicago, got in a day early had an amazing dinner followed by a great holiday with the usual joking around and story telling.  My wife decided that since her brother, had visited us on the East Coast we should visit him and his girlfriend's, condo in southern Illinois.  They were excited for us to come so they could show us around.  So we set out on our adventure Friday afternoon....  A three hour car ride with four fools in a car headed to town called Normal, IL.

When we got there it was everything a small town in Illinois should be.  Parking lots, pubs, restaurants and just enough people to keep things interesting.  We stopped at a great restaurant for some drinks and appetizers before heading to the condo.  The condo was gorgeous and shared with an amazing man, Steve, who not only allowed Elle and I to sleep in his bed, we got to use his private bathroom.. that's important later.  We all got ready and hit the town.  We ate first some wings that looked like they were black and yummy pizza before hopping in a cab and heading to a great bar to meet Steve's son.

In the pub pints, laughs and shots of god knows what are flowing!!  We find Steve's son and hitch it back to downtown Normal to hit the local pubs....

The pub we ended up at had huge dance floor and we were with a large group.  In the mix there was some three way or some shit going on but I was oblivious as Elle was trying to give good advice...the only part of the conversation I heard was the gay girl tell Elle was how they (she and straight girl) had been hooking up for weeks BUT this past weekend the other girl FINALLY WENT DOWN ON HER?!  I watched as my wife sipped her beer and shook her head "no."  Before turning and talking to someone else before again being hounded for queer advice.  I took the easy exit out being asked anything sensible... by grabbing my brother in-law and we climbed onto a counter and started dancing ridiculously and really got the crowd going!!  I left him to wow the crowd while I crawled away thinking how did this counter get to be so 9ft high??  Once back on the ground more friends of friends arrived and the booze continued to flow, along with the queer drama a pushing match and two girls searching the ground on their hands and knees (thongs way out of their tights) for what I could only imagine was a contact or $100 bill.... I mean why the fuck else would you touch a floor that had a good ole coating of semen, vomit, spit and beer wax as they rubbed it down.  I called it quits, and we headed back to the condo.  (P.S. our train back to Chicago was at 7:30am.)
I was placed in pj's and left in a bed while my wife and friends took videos of me passed out with other people doing donkey kicks over my head?  Such a limber ladies!!

I wake up at 7:29a.m. about to shit my the bed.... I go running to the (thank god private) bathroom that our host provided (very nicely decorated) and did some decorating of my own.  A splash of color here, a clump of something there... you get the idea.  After my entire system was emptied I began my crawl back to bed.  When, what is this my body says OH NO!!!!!   I run back to the shit stink and shove my face directly into my recently painted canvas and begin vomiting black and blue.  I truly am an artist!

Unfortunately, I am so passionate about my art that I was heaving SO HARD that you guessed it... I pissed my pants.  Not just a squirt... A LOT.  Like had to dab the floor with toilet paper LOT.  Now since we were only staying 1 night I had not brought extra underwear, and since I was still exhausted didn't really give a shit about my wet panties and pj's.....  I am so sorry STEVE!!!!!!
But I did it... I climbed back into your wonderful bed full of piss with vomit fragments in the corners of my mouth!!  I OWE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Elle woke me up in a panic!!!!!  WE MISSED THE TRAIN!!!!  It was now almost 11a.m. and we had to rush to get to the station.  AGAIN I had no clean underwear so I just put my jeans on over the sopping wet panties.  OUT THE DOOR!!!!

We made it just in time.... or so we thought.  The train was delayed for what ended up being 3 FUCKING HOURS (WET PANTS THE ENTIRE TIME PEOPLE!!) As we sat there waiting I was like maybe we should eat something?

 Ya know, take the edge off.  So Elle and I wondered over to Subway.  I got the best thing for a hangover.  A tuna sandwich from a train station Subway.  We sat down I devoured my sandwich, looked at Elle.  She could see the vomit rising in my throat and just said "go."  Its not like I left her alone.... I mean there was a small boy at a table across from us who was wearing a bandana like a bank robber and a baseball hat, staring at her.  As I ran passed him I saw him remove the bandana and say "I am no longer in disguise."  WTF?????  OKKKKKKK.........

Across the station I bolt, jeans wet in the ass and all into the ladies room (which I hardly even qualify to use at this point right??) Push open the door and BOOM!  Oh what's this when I enter??  Just a woman who has tri color hair smells like pony musk and is using a fucking PLUG IN STRAIGHTNER ON HER HAIR?!?

I didn't know if the smell of a pony or the fact that she was straightening that matted mess was more shocking...no time because once I passed her and made the corner I ran directly into a a woman taking a "shower" we will say at the sink.... 

I think its safe to say that her once supple breasts had transformed into what can only be described as moist mommy bags with the nipples resting ever so gently on the edge of the train station bathroom counter (moving ever so slightly, swaying if you will, as to leave little wet marks on the ledge) and a black bush poking out from the top of her unbuttoned jeans.  Of course this only solidified that fact that I was indeed going to VOMIT.  Into the handicap stall throw my jacket on the ground and begin heaving so loud that I hear someone getting sick listening to me.  After a good heave... I sat down against the cold metal door with no lock, jacket on the ground and thought.... I am these women...I just hide it better.  I slowly climb to my knees with the use of the metal rails and sling my now dirty jacket onto my back and walk out to find my two "friends" staring at me.... I sighed as I walked passed them, WITHOUT WASHING MY HANDS and sighed softly "ohhhh god."

I found Elle cleaning up the remains of her sandwich and ending what appeared to be a conversation with the little bandit.  She told me that after I had run off he was like geessh whats with him? (short hair) and my wife was like sick ya know.  Boy nodded and then said "what'd ya get on yours" motioning to her sandwich with his head.  She told him and he replied with that he got a Fanta grape and a sandwich with black olives, which he advised her and I quote "believe me I used to not like olives."  At least she had company while I was making friends.  I found my way to the worlds most uncomfortable bench and layed down until my neck completely snapped off...

So this is what it felt like to die.  Elle read her book pretending not to know me as the crowds shuffled passed us, her dressed looking presentable, me piss covered jeans, dirty jacket, ridiculous hair; and last nights running down my face.  FINALLY OUR TRAIN!!!!!!!!!   I could not have been more tickled after empting my entire body, drying off and finding seats directly in front of a (horrified to see to gay ladies, one practically dead) Amish family.

As I sat back and listen to them speak in what I could only imagine was damning words about us in a far off language I grabbed my wife's and we smiled at each other, before we peeked at them through the seat, kissed and fell off to sleep! AHHHHHH!!!!!!  Another wonderful adventure with yours truly... THE CUDDYS! 

HAPPY HOLIDIZZLES!!!

Bottoms Out

November 14th will always be a tough day for me - it would have been my father's birthday.  However instead of spending my time crying at a cemetery or drinking there (who knew that was frowned upon?!) I decide to celebrate his birthday; and I am pretty sure he was smiling down on how epic this one was!!!

I spoke to some close friends and invited them out to celebrate with me.  We decided to hit all the local Irish pubs in New Haven along with my Dad's favorite haunts, with one rule... we all had to drink his beer of choice from my childhood....

That's right bitches, The Champagne of Beers!!!  Well after getting quite the buzz on and adding more people to our amazing group, esp. my friends who have also lost a parent.  Its a small group of us which we have labeled "The Half Orphan Club."  Being a member of this club gives you the right to get absolutely shit faced on two dates birthday of deceased and date of death, however if you're one of the presidents of this club (aka L.U.S.H.) like my self you obtain free passes... like father's day and any other event where that parent should have been there promotions, birthdays, holidays etc...  Simple fee to enter just one of the most tragic loses of your life, no biggie?!!

We then head to one of my favorite bars closer to home.  Its epic in its self for many reasons (but you will have to come to my comedy routine there on December 7th, 2014 to find out why) all which be exposed over time.

The Old Dublin

 

Upon arrival, from what I remember some of my best, oldest, and bizarre friends were waiting.  After having some drinks and blacking out I figured NOW is a good time to go home *take note it was 9pm* now that's a real trooper!  My wife Elle and one of my friends, Lando, agree to drive me home.  We climb into Elle's car and what should have been a 5 min ride took 20 because they kept asking the drunk girl for directions?!  I could have shit my pants at this point and just thought the seat warmer was on, why the fuck would you ask me anything???  Once home Lando helps me to bed and I lay down....FULLY FUCKING CLOTHED, similar to the "hottie" below:

Elle struggles to try and remove my clothes before Lando steps in and throws the comforter over me (like I am a fucking corpse) and tells her "she's fine, just blame me."  Out the door those two go to continue the night, my night as I slept with our cat's asshole near my face and a dog who kept farting audibly. 

Once back at the Dublin two more of Elle's friends met up "Alice" and "Peggy."  Lando is busy talking to Nina a friend of ours from the Dub and Alice.  Elle described it as watching a tug of dick war, which she thoroughly enjoyed while drinking her beer.  Nina, who lives upstairs, figures fuck it and gives Lando her number and exits.  Alice begins chatting it up with Lando who is still intrigued that a woman lives upstairs from the bar.  Peggy gets anxious as she wants to dance, I mean after all she is wearing some serious black spandex leggings and a spandex top to boot!

Well the only bar that fit everyone's criteria that Elle could think of was this weird place we have only been two 2x "Rick's." Rick's used to be a house or some shit with all these weird rooms, but the weirdest part of this bar is it is packed with extremely young (21yrs) to older (55yrs) ages.  And the company is all mixed the fuck up so you just have to go with it.  *Quick side note last time we were there I saw a girl getting fingered by a 70yr old guy on the outside patio under her skirt.  I was like holy fuck and turned to the dude next to me who seemed about my age and said are you seeing this shit...he sipped his beer and whispered back "yeah, that's my wife" and smiled all filthy like at me.*

So Lando, Peggy, Alice and Elle arrive at Rick's only to be stopped the door by three guys standing outside in 14 degree weather in t-shirts asking for ID's.

So they each handed over their ID's and the "Bro's" each giggled and smoked their ciggy's until Lando realized these were just douche bags in t-shirts pretending to be bouncers?!  Wow, what a great idea, lets stand outside in the freezing cold in the front of a bar with hard nipples in children's shirts and play pretend and after that we will go home with one of our bouncer buddies and continue playing pretend as they blow each other but don't worry cause "it's only GAY if the balls touch."  Once inside Alice, Lando and Peggy immediately surveyed the odd customers.... truckers, sluts, 80s chicks, mullets you name it and its there!!!!

Elle and Peggy wanted to dance (who wouldn't in a cat suit!!!)  Lando and Alice took seats at the bar to chat.  While seated at the bar chatting Lando noticed the band was extremely older looking, maybe it was the lights, maybe it was the booze or maybe it was the cane one was using to stand upright? 

Lando's concentration was broken by the guy standing behind him, who was now leaning on his back.. he gave a little nudge and it stopped for all of 4 seconds and boom back to back dancing with this guy.

Lando politely moved positions only to start getting tapped on the shoulder by some other guy?!  He then went to the bathroom, which of course in this creepy fucking bar is upstairs, maybe this was a funeral home??  He gets to the men's room only to find the door being held open by a concerned girl watching this guy pissing?!

 Lando excuses himself past her grasp as she screams "He's drunk I have to watch him!!" Calmly he tells her "I got him" and slams the door in her face. 

Afterward he returns to the bar and Alice... Peggy and Elle are still dancing and the band is really good. Playing music from all over 70s, 80s, 90s, thru present. Lando looks around the crowd and was like "well at least someone here was alive when these were all hits?"  As the bar starts letting out they decide to come back to our house.  Drinks continue until Elle notices that Lando and Alice are making out on our couch next to Peggy...Elle's only concern is that my fathers quilt is also on that couch and does not want ANYTHING to get on it.

 

As Lando (who is secretly sick with a cold tee hee) and Alice continue to slop around tongues Elle decides that she is going to show Peggy the tree house. Great idea when your 4 sheets to the wind to climb a ladder that is suspended in the air!!! LOL if only I had been awake!!!

After freezing for a few minutes they come back inside never knowing the conversation that had taken place during the hot heavy make out session.  While in the middle of making out (literally bodily fluids exchanged, sweaty upper lips, hot breath) Lando abruptly stops the kissing and wants to ask Alice a serious question.  Shocked Alice is like ok...  and then he fucking pulls this one out of his hat "Do you give blow jobs?"  Alice looks left, right back at Lando and states the obvious..... "OF COURSE!!!!"  Back to making out!!!!!  When Elle and Peggy return Alice tells them that she is going to take Lando back to his car and they leave....Elle inspects blanket ALL GOOD!  She and Peggy continue drinking at the house.  Peggy is getting all biggigity about not getting ass and in her rant drops a beer and the bottle shatters into pieces.....

 

Now she is upset because our dog, has no eyes.  Literally had to have her eyeballs removed so she can't see shit!  Peggy is going crazy trying to clean everything up terrified that the dog will walk on the glass!!!!!  She keeps getting up, getting paper towels, bending down... (I did mention she was in a cat suit right?) well as Elle attempts to try and help her, she bends down directly in front of Elle tearing the ASS OUT OF HER TIGHTS, LITERALLY!!!!!!   Similar to this:

No fucking way this is happening and I am passed out one room away!!  Not only did poor Peggy's pants tear wide the fuck open on her ass, she had decided that she was not going to wear any underwear for tonight's shenanigans so it was all cheek and all crack!!!!!!!!  In between hysterical laughter Elle tried to offer her some sweatpants but she was like "FUCK IT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"  LMFAO!!!!! As Alice returns and they both head out, only I am sure the ride home was much colder for Peggy unless she sat in some warm gooey white stuff on the passenger seat to stay warm.... we will know in 9 months!!!!!
BOTTOMS UP!!!!!!!!!

 Happy Birthday Dad, I know you would have loved this night! I miss you and love you.

Shitty Cutlery

We all had that person we went to school with that we thought was a rebel or a legend or just plain terrifying but none of my stories came close to this gem my wife recently disclosed about a girl she shared a dorm with in college.

Some schools are more likely to allow students to "find themselves" and even nurture this behavior so as to make a person truly comfortable being themselves.  Now the only thing my College did for me was teach me to chug pitchers of cheap beer with quarters in them, watch "anal chugs" and vomit on a saw dust covered bar floors but I guess when comparing my school to my wife's we could just say that... mine was less than a parent would hope for!

My wife's college was different and so were the students.  However, one person in particular stands out.  This girl was amazing, we will call her Faye. Faye never attended class but remained in school. She wandered the halls aimlessly and drunk, hair all greasy and in her eyes, ciggy (with a huge ash) dangling from her lips, tank top stained with no bra and a handle of vodka clutched in her right hand (even though drinking was prohibited rules did not apply to her.)

 My wife remembered being obsessed and terrified of Faye...how did she break all these rules and never get in trouble?  Did she really have a best friend/sidekick whose name was candy spelled with an "i" rumored to be named after a trailer park?  Amazed she and all the other women in the dorm would watch Faye in disbelief and awe until the day of the incident, which would make Faye a true legend.

Now everyone knows that women shitting is not a popular topic, but lets face the facts people we all have assholes and shit does come out of ladies too, however, not as large as this usually....  So one day my wife sees there was a gathering of ladies in the bathroom.  Elle goes into find that everyone was all upset because the toilet was plugged with the most ginormous piece of shit that has ever fallen from a human asshole.  The shit was so big and strong that the toilet water at full speed didn't even move beast from its final resting place.

Well the girls didn't know what to do!?  There is this huge shit in the toilet and of course no one is admitting to it because that would mean their asshole was the size of a hubcap so they just stood there in disbelief..... UNTIL THAT IS... FAYE WALKED IN.  The girls silently moved out of her way, so as not to get burned with the ciggy or hit with the vodka bottle as she sauntered drunkenly past only to stop and peer into the stall.  Staring down on that enormous piece of shit she took a long hard drag of her cigarette, nodded and walked back out of the bathroom silent.  WTF does that mean??  Was she claiming the shit?  Was she impressed?  Was she too horrified? NOOOO.... She returned moments later with a butter knife (the real dull kind) in her other hand.

The girls quickly moved out of Faye's way because the look in her barely visible eyes meant business...LITERALLY...  She took another drag of her cigarette before handing the bottle of vodka to one of the terrified onlookers and then with speed like lightening she reached into the toilet and began shredding the shit out of the.... SHIT!!!!  She was cutting that piece of crap up like it was her job!!  Into slices the size of a Ritz crackers!!  Hacking away water splashing here there and everywhere until the enormous piece of shit was just a diced up pile of poker chips.  She stood back and looked down at her work, satisfied that NOW the toilet would flush.   FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As the water swirled and the toilet swallowed the pieces of shit chips like a kid dumping quarters into a arcade game only leaving ONE skid mark....as proof that there had been an epic deuce in this toilet;  Faye turned to the crowd of ladies, wet shit covered butter knife still in hand, dripping shit water, grabbed her bottle of vodka from girl and walked out of the bathroom without saying a word... I should also mention that she took the poop knife with her.  Now I have seen a lot stuff in college but this was an all girls college and all I can say is Faye, wherever you are... I LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!!

 

"my neck, MY BACK..."

Ah the summer months.... months of frolicking outside, sunset drinks and for me a constant sweat mustache and wet armpits.  However, I have been unable to filthily cleanse my pours so to speak because at the end of June my spinal cord disc's yet again decided to bulge out of place and make sweet love to all the surrounding nerves.  Now this old injury reoccurs every year or so, unexpectedly so you can imagine my surprise when I was driving to work on a Monday morning and violently got stabbed in the back  by knife wielding ghost causing my left leg to go numb.  FUCK ME...it was like driving with a sandbag attached at my hip.  Getting home was a bit tricky because I always worry that my vagina might go numb as well and as we know from previous blogs my SUV has cloth seats and even though they are already covered with bodily fluids I hate to add fuel to the fire but more IMPORTANTLY I NEED TO FEEL MY VAGINA!!!! 

I arrived home and could no longer really control my left leg and my back was getting worse.  As I parked the car I prayed no neighbors were outside... Have you ever actually seen the "Humpty Dance" Well it goes a little something like this (slightly modified) 

      I fell out of the car cause the left leg is closest

  I limped to the side like my leg was broken

Shaking and twitching like I was drunk or jokin'

Crazy, Wack, Funky 

That's alright cause Cuddy was in motion

As I wobbled to the door it must have looked like

I was having a fit or convulsion

No two people will do it the same

You can only do this dance when in SEVERE PAIN

 

 

This shit was for real!!!!  When I went to my Dr. he just stared the disc was so sore to the touch and it appeared as though I had a ping pong ball in my back.  Dr. orders rest and physical therapy.  Now I have done physical therapy before but this was a new experience for me.  I walked in and it basically looked either like a sex shop or torture chamber. There were colorful ball, weights, leather things even some gags (it appeared) everywhere and three different "private rooms" along with curtains around certain "instruments" for privacy.

This did not put me off at all....I actually smiled at my new "therapist."  First I was taken into a room where I had to lay on a table with used paper (it was ripped and I could see someone else's shoe print on it) and had my therapist push down on my hips...then a second person entered the room for my "pelvic thrusts."  A pelvic thrust is exactly what it sounds like... I made sweet, painful love to the air while my new, we will call them dominatrix watched.

 

I was sore and tired from all that pumping (props to all you fella's out there!)... but the dominatrix was not done with me...she turns me over so that they can apply DIRECT PRESSURE TO THE DISCS!!!!!  I was moaning in pain and realized how sexual this experience had actually become.  This second position was only pained more by the attempt to relax the muscles around it. 



 As tears began to fill my eyes and the slightest moans escaped my mouth I thought Jesus when did I last feel this uncomfortable, nauseous and in pain...... OH YEAH losing my virginity with a man!  As they continued moving my clothes around to poke and prod at my spine, it was then that I realized I was fucking wearing underpants that had Christmas Trees and said HO!!HO!!HO!! Its July. Fuck my life.

 

Finally they finished with using their hands on me.  One of the dominatrix told me to go into the next room... Room 2.

 

ROOM 2

The table in this room was slightly tilted (pillow portion towards floor.)  There were some sort of nylon straps, plastic buckles, leather corset and a machine in the wall.  The machine had two thick ropes coming out of a metal box, with a bar between them.  I start thinking holy fucking shit is that stick like a piece of leather for me to "bare down" on?!  All I can think is sex swing...minus table.

  As the door to Room 2 closes I see a women laying out IN PLAIN SIGHT on what can only be described as 4 beds pushed together, like an orgy bed I once saw in NYC?! I smile... thinking at least the tables are easy to clean unlike the sticky cushions I had sat on at that bar!!!  The woman had some sort of a band attached to her feet forcing her legs to her face?  It was then I knew I was in for an epic experience... whatever it was.

 

 

  The door shuts only to reveal another leather device/harness with straps attached. (I am gay so I am pretty fucking familiar with a leather harness if you know what I mean!)  My dominatrix removes the harness from the door and asks me to step into the leg straps....  Ummm awkward.... esp cause I have a days old stubble on my legs because I can't bend down to shave them, decide to make a joke about it...no laugh... ok, you fucking weirdo.  Legs in harness and corset #1 goes around my waist, she adjusts all the straps (not used to this?)  Next I am told to lay down on the table, which also has a piping hot water/towel baggie thing on it. Very Hot, not sexually.  Dominatrix then pulls the second harness/corset up over my boobs and LITERALLY STRAPPING ME DOWN TO THE FUCKING TABLE!!!!  Now I am a little nervous, I have worn harness, been tied to beds but this...this is weird.  For a number of reasons mostly cause I don't even know her name? 

 

Now that I am all "tied up" the dominatrix pulls the ropes out of the machine in the wall and attaches by METAL HOOKS to the legs harness. (Oh I forgot to mention that my legs are bent over a stool which was placed on the table so I can't even see the machine only stubble legs!!!!  She asks if I am ready for "traction."  My back is killing me and I just want this over so I agree.... The machine starts...  Basically traction is when you are attached to a table by harnesses and straps and the machine pulls you from your lower body towards the wall separating you spinal discs.  All I could think of at that exact moment was yelling "FREEDOM" as I was pulled apart.  After 20 minutes of being stretched apart the machine shut off.  I was released from the table and allowed to leave...and leave I did... two sweaty butt cheek marks on the table and finger nail impressions on the cushion.

Next time I would like a piece of leather to bite on!

 

So in between my visits to the dungeon my life consists of my mothers 1970's heating pad and pills.

 

 On my next visit I am going to bring one of my wife's scarfs so that I can peacefully drop it during traction... TAKE THAT Mel Gibson!!!!

 

 

"Purrrrrfect Vacation"

When your in your 30's every birthday can be celebrated differently.  Sometimes your happy, in disbelief or sometimes you just decide to grab the bull by the horns.  This adventure recently happened to one of my besties, Vee.  She decided to celebrate her 30 something birthday by taking a trip to the west coast and hanging out with a fun family member.  The surprises she encountered not only will make this trip/birthday epic in her mind but probably change her or make her feelings stronger about dating on the west coast.

Vee just loves flying, so much that usually has a couple of "pops" before climbing aboard the flying death trap and struggling to her seat.  I am not sure but judging from her usual sized purses I doubt they fit under the seat, but maybe the leopard print on the bag helped disguise it from the stewardess predators.  Plane takes off, little switch over in O'Hare (by far the biggest airport I have ever had the luxury of RUNNING THROUGH) and another flight to her destination.  Safe and somewhat sound.

Yes, there is a time change, but when your on vacation you tend to pass on the naps and bolt for the bars.  Vee and her relative, who happens to be gay (CHEERS) takes her out to some amazing bar where he is performing.  Vee and I share a lot of things, one of which is being comfortable alone in an Irish pub with beer.  Vee (only a little over 5 feet tall) climbs onto a stool and samples the local beers.  Yum, she finds one she likes only to turn and see a man, probably our age but looking of death, standing in her personal space.  As he leans in closer to talk he places his hand holding a beer on the bar.  Closer, closer he comes to Vee's face until he says "So, before we exchange names..." 

SMASH he drops his whole fucking beer on the bar pouring everywhere and soaking up napkins, coasters and any chance of a hookup.  I can only imagine how much Vee enjoyed his conversoaktion. I mean if your gonna get a girl wet... this ain't the way tiger!  After poorly attempting to clean up his shit he quickly made an escape, followed by Vee and her Uncle laughing hysterically about how smooth that pick up line had gone!

The next day they were off to a parade, with naked people(check out the dancing boobs) doing everything from riding bicycles to dancing in painted suits, that ended at a huge street fair.

 

Once at the street fair Vee did some shopping and bought amazing west coast shirts before making her way to the bathroom.  The "bathroom"  was actually a huge mess of porta potties with lines as long as how bad you have to use one of these filth traps.  As Vee stands there, holding her bag, waiting she is approached by another male.  This one looks her up and down and then asks "So, is that your bag?"  Vee, who has sooo many patients like animal with rabies, fires back "Yes, what are you security or something?"  I mean, who the fuck else's bag would she be holding.  Two creepy facts about this situation.... #1  DO NOT PICK UP WOMEN IN LINE TO USE PORTA POTTY and #2 DO NOT ASK RITORICAL QUESTIONS THAT YOU THINK IN YOUR HEAD WILL SOUND WITTY/FUNNY BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A STUPID ASSHOLE.  Finally its her turn for the "bathroom"  my question "where the fuck did you put your bag down?????

Next stop a night out on the town in gay bars!!!  I get a snap chat that evening because the bar they end up at is the name of her cat....

And being a lesbian I think a name like Purr is odd for a male dominated club... what about like "Rough" with a picture of a dog or "Humpday" or even something as simple as "Cum one Cum all."  Anyway so she is in the bar having a fabulous time when she again has to use the bathroom.  Now you may not be gay so you don't know that even if a bathroom is marked for a specific sex anyone sex can and will use such bathroom.  Vee enters the "ladies" room, which happens to have some male patrons and a bunch of transsexuals.  She enters her stall and before she can even pull her pants down the knocking on the wall begins..  Knocking on the stall door for gay man is an indication that they would like to have sex with you... NOW in the STALL... if you knock back GAME ON if you don't they just keep knocking.  Vee has no clue WTF is going on but DOES NOT KNOCK BACK.  She continues peeing until the relentless knocker stops knocking and the light kinda changes in her stall?  Looking up from her seated position she sees the transsexual she had passed in the stall next to her, standing on the toilet looking down on her and watching her pee.

 Vee shocked but unmoved just stares back until the transsexual says staring down at her ass "I just wanted to make sure you were a "REAL GIRL" before hopping down and disappearing.  Congrats you are a REAL girl and I could totally tell that from only being able to see your ass and piss filling the toilet?!  We call this an amazing vacation!!!  Hit on by drunk men, dumb men, and men who don't look like men is classic and something to always reflect on!

Sadly the end of her vacation was nearing and so her Uncle was having people over to watch sports.  When company comes over he puts his dog into the bathroom because it is a wild animal to strangers, leaving guests to have to use the neighbors bathroom.  I think we all see the theme developing here Vee, you and bathroom trips DON'T MIX.  Vee excuses herself and walks to the neighbors to pee.  Inside the neighbors she sees weird hooks/apparatus hung in the ceiling.  She wonders what that could possibly be, maybe art?  Pee's and then leaves the bathroom.  It wasn't until she called me to tell me these along with many other ridiculous stories that in between belly laughing I explained that the hooks/apparatus are a sex swing!!!!!!! 

She responded with "huh that makes sense."  I so would have loved to gone on this bday vaca.  But I am glad your home safe and sound, possibly with a VD and gay tendencies but home regardless!!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY VEE!!!  LOVE U AND YOUR TRUELY UNJUDGING MIND!!! I can't wait to spill my next drink on you!