AUTO FLUSH FACE

Happy New Years Eve Fools!  This is one of many amazing stories to come from my wife and my holiday adventure in Chicago, IL.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed living it...

Spending the holidays in Chicago was great, getting to eat at one of the most amazing restaurants for Christmas "Joe's Stone Crab" even better.  Reservations were for 6pm on the dot so with three brother in-laws, one sister in-law, Papa T, Elle, me and the parents in a pear tree goes without saying we had to leave early.

We split up into two cars and started our drive into the city.  I had never seen Chicago at night and have to say it is one of the most gorgeous cities, filled with lights, people and my most favorite a building shaped like (of all things) a VAGINA.   Yes, I have arrived!

During the car ride my stomach began to grumble and I assumed it must be hunger pains even though we had only eaten brunch like 4 hours ago?  The heat in the car only intensified that nauseous feeling growing in my gut, but I brushed it off (belching a few times to relieve the pressure)... telling myself oh its probably cause I am squished in the back seat and excited.  We arrived at the restaurant, got shuffled around to coat check and then seated in a massive dining room filled with holiday decor.

We sit down and after sipping our waters and everyone at the table getting "crabs" (I figured I would just shave off all the pubic hair and wear the shampoo for two weeks when I got home to get rid of them) one of my brother in-laws had to excuse himself due to sickness.  As he walked out the door I wondered if he and I had eaten the same thing at brunch, because my stomach was now in shambles too.  With my "hunger pains", I continued on like a brave soldier drinking a mixed drink and getting crabs... HUGE CRABS... until my mouth began to fill with fluid.  NOT GOOD!  I excuse myself and rush to the gorgeous TWO FUCKING STALL BATHROOM and bolted into stall #2.

I could feel the chunks rising in my throat as I took the kneeling position, legs partially sticking out from under the fancy stall door when projectile vomit, accompanied by loud gags/heaves and that fucking bizarre OOHHH sound exited my body.

 
It was then that I noticed ALL the lady chatter by the mirror near the door had ceased.  Most likely to stare at my dope ass kicks poking out from under the stall door and to listen to the amazing sounds of a wild animal escaping my body... it was then that I saw something that would make this experience even more special...

THE AUTO FLUSH!!!!!!!!  FUCK MY LIFE..... I braced my self, both hands curled around the public restroom toilet seat, toilet paper seat cover protecting my fancy sweater, sweat on my brow, the toilet began to rumble.  FLUSHHHHHH!!!!  Perfectly timed with my next heave.  Face now buried in foreign toilet, vomit spewing out of my body at the speed of light and public toilet water washing my face as though it was an asshole perched on a bidet.

 I rested my soaking wet face on my arm on the toilet seat to catch my breath while the toilet water dripped off my face.  Moments later it was over.  I was fine again.  I removed my seat cover bib, threw it in the toilet and watched, this time from a distance as the auto flush sucked away the last traces of my stomach lining.  It was time to return to the table.  The bathroom was silent as I tore off pieces toilet paper to dry my face and thinking it might be empty I exited my stall.  WELL IT WASN'T EMPTY... as a matter of fact it was fucking chock full of damsels in distress over my experience.  Not one word was spoken as I stood outside of the stall looking at them as they stared at me, some with mouths open.  Time to make my BIG EXIT....  I took the balled up piece of toilet paper in my fist and opened it up calmly.... paused.... made eye contact with the ladies and slowly wiped the remaining drops of toilet water from the corners of my mouth as if I had just finished a delicious meal.

 It was like the seas were parting for Moses as I made my way to the sink to wash my hands.  After washing up, I fixed my hair in the mirror turned to get paper towels.  After drying my hands BUT before leaving the bathroom I was sure to give a wink to the woman by the door.  I returned to the table giggling to myself and enjoyed the rest of the meal... knowing this would be a perfect story for the ride home!   CHEERS!!!!!!  I expect to see you all out tonight with that "so you got wasted" face on with a story for tomorrow!!  KCCO!!!!   HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Friday Night Lights...OUT

Hello Fools,
Sorry I have been away for sometime, work, work, work LOL but there is always time for play!  This past weekend was a very special weekend for a lot of reasons.  Most importantly I got to be part of an amazing fundraising effort for a very special little girl battling cancer.  So its to you beautiful girl that I dedicate this blog.

The festivities that I will discuss happened during the earlier part of the fundraising on last Friday.  I had to arrive to the event early to drop off raffle prizes, and it's never a good idea when you (meaning ME) get someplace too early with lots of alcohol.  I always try to keep in mind a friend's quote that drinking is a marathon not a sprint, but let just face it.. I'm so fucking fast it hurts!

As people arrived and drinks were poured, shots taken and stories told, I was more than ready to leave when my wife noticed that I had already "excused" myself and was outside?  My friend Vee, informed her that I had located a bench of sorts in a van associated with work and had knocked out there for a while.  Frantic Elle rushed only to find me dancing in the gravel parking lot with a family member.  Woo Hoo Elle knew immediately she was in for a treat.

When my "Lord of the Dance" ended Elle ushered me into the passenger seat of the car and as she opened the driver's door I was already slithering through the front seats into the back.

As she pulled out of the driveway I began screaming "TACOs TACOs" (not the kind we women carry around in our pants but I am sure that would have sufficed too!!!)  and the night goes black....

Fast forward hours.... I don't know how many so lets just say.... A LOT.  I wake up, staring at a weird pattern and have shoes on?  What the fuck is going on??  I sit up quickly only to realize that I am alone in my car in the back seat.  Takes a second but I am an old pro at this so I exit the SUV (which I might mention has turned into a fucking monster truck, because thats how high off the ground it feels!!!)  falling a good 5 feet till I reach the pavement and stare at what could only be cornstalks?  Great.. its night time and I am in a fucking corn maze.  I turn and like clockwork LOCK THE CAR DOOR and SHUT! 

It is at this time I realize I can actually see my own breath freezing in mid air before falling to the ground and shattering into a million pieces because it is approximately 1 degree outside and I am in a goddamn t-shirt while my warm sweater is now all secure inside my car... FUCK!  (Similar to image below)

I turn back to the stalks of torture... after fighting my way through them I realized that I had just walked through our Hibiscus flower stalks and I was now standing in the pitch black of my neighbors property.  In my head I am thinking "shit now I have to fight my way back through these stalks to get to my house...again."  *It should be noted that there is a sidewalk, driveway and numerous other options to get back to my property but because I am basically MAN v.s. WILD I will fight my way through LITERALLY 3 feet of stalks to my driveway*

Back on base if you will, I now "weave" my way to the front door of the house and begin ringing the doorbell and knocking trying to wake Elle out of her coma-like state.  Well... then I had an amazing idea... If she can't hear the door bell or the banging I bet if I yell her name through the mail slot that would work.  Well there are no handles on house siding (that shit is slippery) so I prop my self at mailbox height using the screen door and an ape like grip so that I can turn my head sideways allowing my NOSE AND MOUTH to fit inside the mailbox (leaving dark marks on either side of my face...it was a dirty little box) and yelled... maybe twice before getting winded.

Ooof, mommy needs to lay down...  I circle the house, which now feels like it has become a fucking estate since it seemed as though I had walked approximately a 1/2 marathon.  I try the garage doors, windows basement... its like fucking fort knox!!!!  Freezing, drunk and blind I make my way up the back porch to find a moist cushion from the porch swing gently laying on its side.  CHRIST... this will be interesting.  I stumble to lay the sopping wet cushion ( I am assuming it was dew/hoping it was fucking dew that made it this wet) down on the deck and then proceed to lay down inside it like a hotdog bun freezing.  My little carnie hand was able to grab hold of one of the ties to hold the cushion over my self as my night ended with tiny snores.
*REENACTMENT BELOW SAME CUSHION, LOCATION AND HOTDOG*

I am woken up suddenly by my dog, Citu, stepping on my head and Elle saying "Oh my god baby!"  You see the reality of the situation was that Elle had actually left my keys and cellphone inside the car with me so that I would not be locked out all of which I had failed to see.  When she woke up in the morning and found that I was MIA she had to canvass the neighborhood to finally find me as seen above.  We laugh as I begin to thaw and head upstairs for a couple hours of sleep.  When I wake up to pee hours later I decide its best just to remove my pants and shuffle downstairs in my undies.  I make it to the bathroom (which for some creepy reason has a mirror eye level so you get to watch yourself poop or pee?) and stare at myself in a daze.  I then look down and see all this dark substance in my underwear... fucking great I got my period to boot.  After peeing I go back to bed (still in the ratchet panties) to wake up to Elle telling me her version of events.  While she told me of taking me to taco bell and trying to drag me out of the car and me telling her "I'm doing something" (snore snore) before giving up and she and Citu sleeping for several hours in the car before abandoning ship and heading to bed.  We were hysterical and THEN I told her about my underwear.... She laughed and said maybe you sharted (fart and shit ones self) and proceeds to tell me how I had farted so wet and nasty in the car she and Citu had to leave.  *Gross, gross and gross.... I do a lot of things with my wife but shit and fart are two that I DO NOT APPROVE OF.*  I was like oh hee hee... and head back to the bathroom.

As pull down my nasty roo's and stare at the stain it becomes increasingly clear that SHIT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD DONE!!!!!!  Then like a bolt of lighting a memory came to me of holding onto a tree and peeing outside... had I dropped a duece outside????? Was a log laying in my yard?  Did I really lose control of my sphincter??  I ditched the panties in the trash, washed my stank ass bolted upstairs giggling hysterically telling Elle my discovery and telling her to get shoes on we had to go look in the yard for possible loafs!!   

 We run down the stairs scour the yard but find no logs or nuggets.  Elle decides that she is going to get up for the day as I wander back to bed.

I am woken up by a screaming Elle.  She is yelling something about bees stinging her and taking off her pants... I roll over to find her standing in our bedroom, without pants covered in bee stings.  3 on her knee and 1 on her bum.  She explains to me how she had taken Ceet out to go to the bathroom and while she was bent over picking up the dog shit she felt a sharp sting on her butt.  It was then that she realized that a bee had flown UP HER PJ's and stung her ass!!!!

 Instinctively she reached for the bug and once grabbing its (and I quote her) "exoskeletal" body she let it go.  The bee was now pissed the fuck off and went bananas stinging the shit out of her thighs and legs!!!!  As she tried to run for the house the shit bag in one hand became too big of an obstacle and she had no choice but to fling the bag of feces over the fence towards the trash bins

before STRIPPING OFF HER PANTS (leaving them to fend for themselves in the backyard) AND RUNNING BARE LEGGED INTO THE HOUSE!

 I think we can both safely say we survived this epic night by our courageous acts learned from none other than Bear Grylls and in his words "Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well presented body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, “WOW….what a ride!”
and in my words... WOW what an asshole!!!!!!

"1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila FLOOR"

Guess I have been on summer break or something?!  Lucky I am never short on filthy stories only time to tell them... unless of course we meet up at an Irish Pub on Fridays!

I got an amazing text over the weekend from my friend about shenanigans from a college reunion party she and her girlfriend had attended.  My friend "Vikki"and her girlfriend "M"had arrived on the early side of Saturday afternoon to "Maryland's" house for the party.  After introductions were made it was time to make M feel welcome so immediate drinking began...

Anytime its sunny outside and your already buzzed or laying on the ground with both hands grasping blades of grass "to hold on" means its gonna be a long day/night fo sho.  As time flew by so did the shots of tequila and god only knows what else...the only thing that I am certain Vikki and M did not swallow is semen.. and even that is questionable.

Vikki told me that around .. o'clock she felt the chunks rising in her throat so she excused herself from the party and went to the bathroom where she vomited... only a little she claimed (the clogged toilet says different) and then fumbled her way back downstairs to the fold out couch that she and M would be spending the night on.  She said I saw M outside hanging out and then everything went black... I woke up to people saying goodbye so I guess they were leaving (which I told her was a genius conclusion) but she could still hear M laughing in the distance as the light faded........

Cue the morning!  Vikki wakes up "early" to rush home to get to the farmers market (even though she is newly a lesbian that is the gayest thing she has EVER SAID TO ME!!  I mean why don't you just throw on your work boots and climb into your pickup for fucks sake?  Or make lame jokes like "Head out like a baby" or "Piece out like an abortion") to find her girlfriend laying next to her.  M is under the covers wearing a t-shirt and hooded sweatshirt.  She wakes M up... YAWN....  M sits up abruptly and asks "Where are my pants?"  Vikki confused lifts the blanket to find that M is naked below the waist?  They start scanning the room for M's missing clothes and finally spot them on the other side of the room in pile, bright yellow underpants resting atop the jeans.  Not wanting to be seen M quickly peels her bare ass off of the pull out and runs to her pile of clothes only to find......

that her pants and underpants were sopping wet...LIKE WENT SWIMMING WET!!!!  Vikki laughing and horrified asks "Did you piss yourself??" This question makes M pick up the wet clothes hold them against her face SMELLING THEM FOR A HINT OF URINE?!?!   Unsure of what the fuck happened, Vikki checks the pullout and finds that it is as dry as anal sex?  Did M somehow manage to get out of bed, piss her pants, remove them and climb back into bed???  No time time to play Sherlock Holmes Vikki had to get to the goddamn farmers market!!!!

Not wanting to wake anyone else in the house, Vikki forces M to PUT THE PISS SOAKED FREEZING COLD UNDERPANTS AND JEANS BACK ON HER BODY!!!!!!!!!!!  (** On a side note do you know how hard it is to put on soaking wet jeans???  Its like a second layer of skin or something... you have to inch that shit up like nylons or spandex.... Not for nothing I would have just pulled down my hoodie or worn my t-shirt as a "bottom" to avoid having to wear that hot mess of an outfit) After slithering back into her clothes of shame like a trooper M and Vikki leave Ally's house and walk to Vikki's car.  While walking, Vikki takes a second look at M and decides that it is not AWFUL enough that her girlfriend is wearing piss soaked clothes that she doesn't remember removing or struggled so hard to get BACK ON she laughs and tells her "you have to ride on this here parka (who knows where that came from?) so your piss pants don't touch my seats" LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Both laughed hysterically the entire ride home, and why the hell not at that point who the fuck cares if you piss your pants... TWICE?!   Tequila, tequila, tequila...... the only thing Vikki can remember for sure from that night is Jose Cuervo was the last man inside their mouths!!!!!!  CHEERS FUCKERS!!!!!  LOL!!!!!  

"A shit in the hand is worth two in the bush"

My wife and I just recently went on vacation to Punta Cana.  This vacation started like most of our other ones except we had no idea what was in store for us!  We packed our shit last minute per usual (leaving behind important items like oh I don't know tampons...nothing like being shark chum in the fucking ocean) and then did what anyone would... went out for happy hour?!

We woke up at 3am to drive to NJ because at the time of booking the long ass drive equaled the ability to fly directly our destination.  WTF??  Friends were meeting us in DR from all over and we usually make some new ones because of my filthy mouth and even more descriptive story telling.

We landed and began sweating immediately.  Lucky for us there was a shuttle to take all the other lesbians to our big gay paradise. True to form the butches (which even for a trained eye like mine, can be a tough call at these locations) absolutely refused to get onto the fucking shuttle until they saw each and everyone of the goddamn bags placed under the bus.  I mean... seriously... seriously do you think the man with an unbuttoned shirt and bracelet that says "Beers for Boobs" wants any of your stuff??  The answer is NO... After what seemed like hours Elle (pale as a ghost) and I standing outside with the sun beating down on us finally were allowed onto the shuttle, which was basically like a giant dildo full of dykes.  Elle disagrees but I think we got the best seats!! Directly behind a couple who decided to give their partner a head massage while we drove so we got to hear every moan, sigh and YES from her partner, Glenda.  PUKE!  If your gonna massage something it better get wet.... that's all I'm saying! LOL

After checking in we peeled off our soaking wet jeans and t-shirts and managed to wrangle our way into swimsuits.  We weren't in the pool but a few minutes before one of my stories introduced us to two other filthy storied rugby girls!!!!  Our new friends T and KC who had been there the previous week as well, gave us a heads up that there was a wild single lesbian "Tammy" on the prowl.  She was easily spotted because her nipples were usually being displayed, and better yet that on the previous night she had gone up to our friends took off her shirt began to play with her nipples while asking KC if she "had fucked in the pool yet?" (How could such a prize be single) Tammy went on to invite everyone to meet in the pool at 3am for some skinny dipping and fucking??  We were so there...

I mean is it just me or is there is nothing like the touch of wrinkled, elongated cold nipple on ones tongue.. ANYWAY??  We were able to avoid Tammy for most of the trip because we were a couple.. ya see at these types of events the single lesbos wear a dog tag to let the cougars know they can attack!

That wild tiger Tammy even followed KC onto a singles cruise, got naked and jumped off the boat??  I can only imagine what those confused fish were thinking when her vagina touched the water saturating it with loose chunks of discharge smelling of caviar..had their children returned??!!
But our poor friend Em got the Tammy treatment two nights in a row.  Em didn't have a dog tag, but she did have a similar necklace on... Well Tammy, who was shitfaced (I know weird), first approached Em, saw the dangling necklace and immediately went in for a kiss.  Lucky people move r-e-a-l-l-y slow drunk so she was able to bob and weave her way out of it.  The next night Tammy appeared again quickly glancing at Em's chest before confronted.. Em was like "um.. Tammy" whose eyes became dreamy and vag all moist asked Em "how did you know my name" and Em was like "cause you fucking tried to make out with me yesterday!"  Tammy vanished... it was like she was a fungus for days.. pick her off and she grew right back but after this she was not seen again.....  

"Tammy"

After a couple days of eating... um... I guess I was really only eating pussy cause the food was covered in flies but on Wednesday I managed to force down some "chicken" or "beef" covered in a brown sauce.  Now we had planned on heading directly to the pool after lunch but about 10 minutes after swallowing this meaty substance I knew a SHITMERGENCY was going happen... FAST!!!  Elle and I walked (squeezed butt cheeks) all the way back to the room where the fun began.  The bathroom at the resort had no fan, no ventilation and no sink...which will be important later.  Being an amazing wife I allowed Elle to shit first.... MISTAKE #1 about two minutes into her shit I was sweating profusely and shivering!!!  I yelled to her "Elle you gotta come out!!!!  NOW!!!"  Elle said "I'm trying!"  And then I screamed "PINCH IT OFF!!!" as I felt the liquid shit start to pour from my anus.  Elle exited as I ran in without pants on with liquid acid shit pouring out of me.  I sat down, braced both my hands on the walls and nearly cried as the shit blasted from my ass.  It was so violent that I wasn't even concerned that red winged ants were on my feet.  After several minutes, pounds later I was done... or so I thought.  I grabbed a huge wad of toilet paper knowing that this type of shit also known as "tar shit" needs at least 50 wipes.  As I lift my left butt cheek to go in for wipe number one, the movement contracts my belly forcing a gallon of piping hot fluid crap into my hand/toilet paper!!!  OMFG!!!!  I just shit into my hand... PANIC MODE!!!

I shake the shit filled toilet paper into the toilet and peer down at my acid shit covered finger tips only to do the UNTHINKABLE.. thats right folks... I dipped my shit covered hand into the the shit filled toilet water "to rinse it off" only to spin logs and liquid mucus around... I continued this until my fingers stopped burning and I realized that those things in the water "bumping into me" were skinny snake like tar logs of shit.  HOLY FUCK!!!

 I scramble to hold it together to get at least some of the shit off of my asshole before flushing and running to the sink to scrub.  Fast forward an hour later, Elle and I are in the pool with Tiff, KC and Nikki when I tell them this disgusting but oh so true story and all their horrified faces turned into questioning ones when Tiff asked "Why the hell didn't you flush first?"  It hadn't even occurred to me... possibly because my hand was on fire, possibly because I love fecal matter but in reality THERE WAS NO FUCKING TIME FOR FLUSHING!!!

I do not regret my decision but only wish that someone, anyone had been inside the bathroom with me to witness how truly horrific/amazing/shitastic this event was!!!    Vacation baby...let the shit hit the fan!!!

"Closer" Part 2

Friday morning... Wedding Rehearsal Day: Elle and I climbed out of our bed fairly early after.. MY night on the town. After scraping off the clumps of dried lady juices from my legs and putting on different jeans off we went to try and locate more of our wedding party to force them to create our magical wedding favors (see below)
  We ended up splitting up "to cover more ground" and per usual I made my way into the casino to find the darkest, grossest bar and saddled up to the "poke-her" machine and my drink. I hadn't gambled 10 bucks when my phone exploded with texts from one of my childhood besties... Tricia had arrived and was wandering around the casino trying to find me... the following is the exact transcription of our text convo:  
T: I am here!!!!!!!! Lets get it on!!!!!! 
Me: Fuck yeah...I'm in some dark ass sports bar come here 
T: What's the name of it dumbass. Or should I ask someone where's the shitty dark bar 
Me: Haaaaa probably the latter
And that is pretty much as the day went on... my other bestie, Dayna, arrived later to complete the filthy old crew.. and by filthy... you can only imagine. After our rehearsal and dinner all of us retreated back to the shitty dark bar to tell more horrifying true stories that made some people so sick they left our corner :) Ahh friends... Our youngest member of the filthalong gang "Smear" was so shit faced that he complained about not getting a drink and then immediately passed out in the corner of the darkness. After talking sexy talents, Nikki and I scoured the entire casino in the middle of the night to locate a banana for Dayna to show off my favorite trick from high school the "NO GAG REFLEX." Nikki and I ended up in a sketchy deli talking to a guy wearing a t-shirt as a hairnet who would only give us a banana if we promised to bring him video footage of the ummm "trick" DONE!!!! Back in our booth/confessional in the bar. Dayna was promptly handed the banana and told to "do it." We all laughed our asses off until the entire banana disappeared into her throat...... A-M-A-Z-I-N-G
 
Our night ended as more "tricks" were uncovered and the masses dispersed.  Big Day was to follow!!!!!!!

Everyone and anyone who was meant to be there had arrived in Vegas and learning from my mistakes from the day before I knew I had to eat something today.  Elle and I met up with her family for breakfast where I ordered A pancake. ONE.....
Boy was I surprised when it arrived and it was the size of my head...

but at least this should hold me over from getting drunk till the ceremony.  Our music was picked (even though my mom has a mental block about Tegan and Sara... she kept referring to closer by Tegan and Marie or Keegan and Laura??? WTF) and of course no wedding would be complete without a little Michael Jackson "Don't stop till you get enough" which was the #1 song the year I was born 1979!!
Our clothes were ready and all that was left to do was for me to shower and vacate the "brides suite."  I must have been in that shower a full hour scrubbing off discharge from strange ladies and shaving all the specialty parts (to include but not limited to the asshole:). I got dressed with the quickness as the bridal party began to arrive in our suite.  I had made the executive decision for all my wedding party to get dressed in  Dayna & Tricia's suite so the "bride" could relax. 
As Eric and I arrived at the T & D's door I could already hear the commotion brewing inside... I opened the door to find coolers filled to the brim with beer and bottles of champagne all over the room!  HEAVEN!!!  My closest friends and family were all having ridiculous conversations getting ready... knock knock... Elle's brother and Glenn had arrived at our room and T. couldn't contain his excitement...... YOU HAVE BEER IN THIS ROOM!!!!! As he began shoving the cold bottles into his pockets!!  He was like this room is fucking ridiculous... moments later Glenn forced him to leave and I swore I saw a single tear run down his cheek as he left the room.  I hid my nervousness well as the photographer arrived....

Amped ain't the word for how I felt.... as several members of my wedding party gave toasts and the photographer blushed as we posed for a legit blowjob photo... ALL OF US... The best day of my life had officially begun!!!!

Everyone was wasted before we even entered the reception!!  We danced to DJ Im-so-tan songs which included an epic dance off, my failed attempt at the worm, my sister doing a split and popping her hip out of joint, a collision on the dance floor which revealed panties, sunglasses at night, first time make outs, semi chubby's and a box of flavored/colored condoms for my new in-laws :)

The last thing I remember is sweating, seeing the dance floor and waking up in my bed alone at 5am?  I texted the new wife who was still out partying and passed the fuck out.  Most people made it till the wee hours but when we crashed... we fucking crashed hard bitches!!!!

Elle never made it home... she and her brothers actually got fucking CUT OFF at a casino for alcohol even though they were still gambling....  I guess when its 10am the morning after the wedding and your still wearing your wedding attire and stink of booze you're easy to pick out of a crowd

Legit photo of Asa..... who never slept!!!!!!!!
While these shenanigans were going on from 5am to 8am I spent my time vomiting and pissing my pants.  After pissing myself 4 fucking times and was still puking I made the genius decision to remove my underpants so now with each heave I was squirting piss violently all over my legs, feet and floor.  I still forced a sick little smile at the mess I made wiping it up with my already soaked underpants.  (All 4 underpants were hung on the door knobs around the room to dry and like secret little bombs for people who visited to touch) I decided it was too cold without pants on to make the trip to the bathroom so I began vomiting into a trash bag....which was absolutely fine until hours later when I went to tie up the six gallons of stomach acid and broke the "skin" that had formed.... THE SMELL....

Thank god Nikki had also crashed in our room so she was there to snap this epic photo.  Elle finally entered the room where all her brothers had crashed in our living room and Nikki was asleep on a lounge chair in our bedroom, and climbed into bed punchy as ever.  In the darkness I could feel her move to hold her hands up in the air and without warning said "A BOO" before her and Nikki exploded into laughter... Zoolander quotes began followed by Nikki's "I think I got the black lung pop...cough cough!"  After laughing till our stomachs hurt Elle decided to shower and wondered why my underwear was hanging everywhere?!  Leslie and "The Dominatrix" arrived to check in.  Seeing my sickly, sweaty ass naked on the bed and Nikki hungover on the couch with shower running... "The Dom" decided the only thing there was to do was to give us a peep show...

and by peep I mean completely nude LOL!!!!!  The bathroom had a window with a automatic shade... which made for the perfect stage.....  The show only lasted a minute but as we cheered for more Leslie yelled "come on I have another quarter....even though she is only worth a nickle"  LOL   Good friends make everything ridiculous...and WE ALL KNOW THE MORE THE RIDICULOUS THE BETTER!!!!!!
Thanks to everyone who made it out to Las Vegas for our wedding....  I Love You All and especially to my new wife and the LOVE OF MY LIFE ELLE POWELL CUDDY!!!!!

Las Vegas "Strip" (Part 1)

The weekend of my Wedding was more than epic...which means it will take more than one blog to completely give you a taste of the insanity that my wife now can call "normal." The morning we were leaving we got up early and packed the essentials and headed to the airport ready to get our freak on. Four of us were on the flight headed to Philly where we would pick up another person, Josy, who was in my wedding party, making it a party of five for the flight to Las Vegas. Josy told us it would be easy to find him...look for the bar closest to the gate and he would be wearing a balloon. Perfect. As I parked in the lot Elle and I met up with our friends Pencil and Eddy who were just opening bottles of champagne to start our adventure. With only an hour till our flight we each chugged down the two bottles of bubbly before boarding the plane. Buzzed ain't the word but I know it wasn't a fucking mirage that this plane was so old that our seats were legit the entire back row...like a fucking bench and the plane was still equipped with ashtrays?! We weren't two minutes off the ground when Pencil knocks the fuck out...Ahh let the shenanigans begin!!! (NOTE PHOTO OF PENCIL) Barely making it on time to Philly we had to hurry to find Josy and the balloon and board our next flight...starving and full of urine I opt for the bathroom, which I instantly regretted as I sat next to Eddy who opted for a slice of pizza and a full blatter. When we finally touched down in Vegas we split up to rush wash our pits and crotches before the limo was to pick up my peeps for MY bacholorette at one of the most prominent strip clubs in vegas. Elle opted to stay at the hotel with her friends... a safe choice. At the hotel, I met up with my friend Micky (who my mission on this trip was to get her to make out with a chick) and we climbed into the limo. Now even though we didn't discuss it I am sure we both wondered why there was blue lighting in this limo...like a black light? I mean, I would rather NOT know what the fuck goo I am sitting in, however, Elle and I would like to have children some day! We stopped at River and picked up Eddy, Josey and Pencil...the group was complete. We had V.I.P. passes to the club so the limo brought us to a private entrance where security frisked us, told us to tip the limo driver before escorting us into the club. We were brought straight to the V.I.P. section and sat at a table inches from the stage. Now those of you from CT probably don't know a REAL strip club till you have seen this one!!! All the girls were gorgeous (10 girls per 1 patron) not one cesarean scar or stubbly pit to be found!!! Wuuu Hooo!! It was basically like being at Circ Du Soleil with naked ladies. We decide to torture Pencil who was the only straight female with us... so dollar bills were a strewn about her to bring ladies closer. Pencil, kept commenting on how cute the strippers shoes were, and their outfits etc... she finally looked off into the distance speaking softly "I missed my calling....I should have been a stripper" while lost in her daze of dancing lady dreams a stripper had snuck up behind her with huge oily boobs and light up shoes... Pencil didn't even see it coming when the dancer, "bubbles," spun her chair around and grabbed Pencil by the hair forcing her face to be smashed between her gynormous slippery breasts for what felt like to us a minute but for Pencil...hours. Bubbles laughed and took the dollars from the stage next to Pencil before slithering across the stage. Pencil slowly turned around, and we all could see that not only were her glasses crooked on her face but the lenses were completely coated with...oil/tanner/semen.. and she couldn't see shit!!! It was all fun and games until my chair spun around and the only busted chick in the place "Bunny" was on my lap. It is important to note that I wasn't thinking clearly when I selected my outfit. You see I was wearing completely thrashed jeans riddled with holes allowing each swipe of the moist labia to touch my bare skin and make the fringes on the holes frozen in vagina goo time. "Bunny" started dry humping my leg before removing her sweat stained bra (I don't even believe this girl really worked here?? Maybe a dish washer or something?) and began putting her tiny tits on me. I was trying to be nice but praying for this to end... All I could smell was her B.O. and the remnants smell of chemicals, which probably came from her last hit of meth before attacking me. As "Bunny's" hole slapped repeatedly on my thigh I could see through her teased hair Micky laughing her ass off... so that's who purchased this dance. Bunny finished (literally all over my poor new jeans) thanked me and walked off..probably back to the kitchen to finish the dishes. We all continued to drink our drinks like ballers (it really felt like a rap video) until I saw Micky's payback. I very tall ummm person with the biggest boobs I have ever seen topped off with the smallest nipples that were clearly misplaced on the bosom. We will call her "Tucker" for obvious reasons... as I flagged "Tucker" over slipped her some cash and told her exactly how to pay my friend back... As she rode Micky's lap I swear we could hear her balls slapping against Micky's thigh and from the amount of sweat on "Tucker's" forehead she probably had bat wings (you know when your testicles stick to your thighs.) Finally the dance ended we finished our drinks and ended the night without any major mishaps... Except Micky and my cab ride with a driver who looked like he was straight out of a Tim Burton movie...all gangly and sweaty. He told us how much he hated the police and how people usually have sex in the back of his cab...all the while I wished I had just worn regular jeans. Once back to the hotel... I stumbled up to my room ready for bed (note time change) only to realize as I stood staring at myself in the mirror that although I had packed contact solution...I had failed to pack the contact case. I grabbed the only thing that made sense... two actual water glasses, filled them with contact solution popped out those babies. I climbed into bed crawling over Elle as she whispered...why are your legs all sticky?! AHhh VEGAS... only day 1!!!

Three's Company

This blog is one of the most epic stories I have ever heard from someone who was part of it. As most of you know New England was totally smashed two weeks ago with a f*cking blizzard that dropped over 2 feet of snow in less than 24 hours. Basically the snow was "cumming" down so hard and fast that your face was sopping wet covered in white stuff as you try to some how manage to see through the smattering of snow/goo all over your face.... very similar to being a star in a bukkake porno. The storm started on a Friday night slow at first...then faster and faster...also similar to a porno..(New England is fucking disgusting!) Well friendly neighbors who live 3 streets away from my mother, that we will call the "Smiths" decided to have a little gathering for dinner...after all everyone lived close and it was only starting to snow. Guests arrived as the snow was picking up and the dinner and drinks began... as the beverages started to add up people became less and less concerned with all the snow falling and more and more concerned with more booze flowing. After several hours of drinking and eating one of the guests, Mrs. Body, began having severe chest pains... Well if you can imagine shitfaced hosts frantically try to help as Mrs. Body falls to the floor in their dining room... FUCK!!!! She isn't even a close friend just a fucking neighbor!!! "Mr. Smith" frantically calls 911... unaware that over 2 feet of snow has basically closed his town. The dispatcher calmly walks Mr. Smith through several steps and then determines.... ARE YOU READY FOR THIS!!!!!!! That "Mrs. BODY" is fucking dead and this is NO LONGER A MEDICAL EMERGENCY!!!!! Mr. Smith flips his shit and begs for help... get this fucking corpse out of my house (Mrs. Body's bowels have already ruined his dining room rug!!) Dispatch informs Mr. Smith that ambulances can not get to him because the roads have 2 feet of snow and are not plowed.... he is just going to have "sit tight" and wait for the Medical Examiner when the roads get plowed!!!!!! Other party guests are creeped the fuck out.. I mean who literally means "your not leaving over my dead body?" These fucks were out of there... Wasted and shocked by the snow all party guests immediately left the Smith's and....Mrs. Body...dare I say for dead... The Smiths were in a panic... I mean seriously what the fuck do you do with a dead body, in a blizzard, that has pissed and shit itself AND ISN'T EVEN RELATED TO YOU... Mr. Smith says fuck it to his wife... I am just gonna put her outside I can't have a fucking body laying here all weekend! But quickly realizes that his neighbors have two cats and that Mrs. Body would probably be munched on for days leaving him with the only realistic solution...esp when you have kids... you sit her ass up in a chair head down with her thumb up and tell the kids she is just playing a VERY LONG GAME OF SEVEN UP! Sunday finally arrived and the Medical Examiners office/assistants came to get the rotting corpse...but before removing her whispered "Seven's Up, Head's Up." LOL!!! The Smith's were DEAD wrong to have a dinner party during a blizzard!