Thick Skinned

So my girlfriend and I have finally settled in to our new apartment and after living like male bacholors for 3 weeks we (she) decided we should probably have other things in the refridgerator then beer and leftovers. So being the amazing girlfriend that I am I volunteered to go the grocery store ALONE to buy food and things while she ran an errand. (It should be noted that I have never cooked and also bought a crock pot cook book) I bought all the ingrediants needed and decided to surprise her with pulled pork! This morning she left work, completely unaware of the disaster that was to happen. I got up soon after she left knowing this meal would take like 15 hours or something in the crock pot. I start off with the easy stuff... bbq sauce, liquid smoke etc and then comes the dicing of onions, which would have been easy if our knives weren't as sharp as sea glass. The sweat started pouring off of me as the kitty and I began dicing onions and "mincing" (whatever the fuck that means) garlic. Finished that task T-Rex and I high fived added what looked like two smashed tear drops of garlic and long strings of onion to the pot. Next came the meat... Pork Roast. Thats what the book said. I was careful last night to read each piece of meat at the filthy, bloody meat section to find the right "cut." PUKE. Although the meat looked normal and pink as I picked up the pack from inside the fridge blood poured out... which would probably not been nearly as gross had it been warm and not immediately licked up by the cat. (Blood and pussy kinda go together) As I unwrapped this ungodly cold fatty piece of pig I felt nasaus but confident I could pick it up and throw it into the pot without vomiting. SO... I slid my hand under the ice cold pig rump (my hand has been 1,000 worse places I tell myself to hold it together) and it felt different... smooth, moist yet prickly. What the fuck was this?? I flipped it over to discover that the entire back of this piece of meat was covered in actual pig skin. Including hair and moles and flaps!! Oh shit... I dropped the meat back into its filthy little package. SHIT... I can't cook this thing all covered actual SKIN. So I pick up the sea glass knife and begin to attempt to remove the skin, while dry heaving. The skin is tough and reminds me of a penis. I tug on it as the sea glass knife refuses to cut through the layer of fat holding miss piggy together. I continue sawing... this is awful... I have to take breaks and leave the room. The knife handle is slippery with oily pig fat and skin and the cat keeps trying to lick the hairy part of the skin... OMG gonna puke.. Finally after tugging, pulling, tearing, sea glassing this vile piece of meat the foreskin is free. I quickly pick it up and run toward the trash... this fucking skin weighs 10lbs and is slapping into my bare arm as I run.. I lean over to open the trash and no sooner do I do this the cat (balancing on her back paws) begins clawing at the skin and biting it.. OH CHIRST... With the skin out of sight... I call my girlfriend to tell her about this horrendous experience. Her response... "YOU CUT OFF THE SKIN??? DID YOU LEAVE ANY FAT ON THERE FOR FLAVOR??!!!" Ahhh gotta love the ladies from the midwest!! p.s. I have a whole new respect for Dr.s that perform circumcisions...

Death & Destruction

We all deal with the passing of a loved one in different ways... I recently lost my father and coming from a large family all of us coped in our own ways, however, my mothers coping was by far the most amazing to witness.

After the longest year of my life with my fathers decline and then loss of him I have learned even more to take things in stride and so did mom.... after this torturous night!

My aunts were in town helping mom and so when I called her a couple mornings after the funeral and she answered the phone sounding like shit smashed twice in the sun I was shocked. "Mom?" "yeah.... I had a rough night" She then began to describe to me one of the most momentous nights of her life.

She had started drinking beers to dull the pain early on and then for some reason she and her sisters decided the beers would go great with shots of patron silver. When she jolted out of her drunken "sleep" laying on the living room floor her mouth instantly filled with vomit (Now mom doesn't even allow us to walk with shoes on this carpet due to the fact that it is light colored and she doesn't want it to get stained.) She had to get to the bathroom but what was this... she couldn't walk?? Balance? Equilibrium? What were those?? As I have always said you know your drunk when you need to hold onto the ground to stop the world from spinning!!

She quickly mustered up the strength to crawl towards the bathroom, mouth full of chunks and sweating... she would be god damned to get puke on her carpet. She finally made it after defeating obstacles such as her 600 purses, my passed out aunt, chairs and my personal favorite having to open the closed bathroom door! Those bitches get ya every time! But she had made it... bruised knees and puke in mouth she was there.... As she approached the porcelain throne she found that she could not balance on her own knees and needed to physically HUG the toilet as hard as she could while vomiting so violently that she was bursting lots of things besides blood vessels in her face!

She woke up on the bathroom rug, side ponytail, stained shirt and thought maybe I can walk now. Upon standing she immediately feels a cold rush,itchy legs and hears a slosh.... she had vomited so hard that she had pissed herself.... and had pissed her self SOOOO MUCH that her knee brace AND socks were sopping wet with urine! Fuck me mom!!! LOL!!! She was forced to strip in the bathroom before making the mad dash upstairs into the shower and collapsing in her actual bed.

I couldn't resist stopping by later that day to see what she looked like after all she has seen me at my worst! She answered the door, dry mouthed and said "I am NEVER DRINKING AGAIN." She looked OK except for the spit dried on her face... and then she showed me the bruising on her chest... it looked like someone had dropped a toilet on her chest!!! What beautiful array of colors.... blues, purples and pinks like a Monet! :) I quickly saw the socks and knee brace hanging to dry after being disinfected.

So Cheers to you Mom and all my siblings for living...living each day to the fullest... even if it requires vomiting and/or urinating on oneself! Just how my father would have wanted it... I love you Dad and miss you everyday.