So my girlfriend and I decided last minute to go on a cruise, which was more like a safari because it was a lesbian cruise so you get to observe the lesbots in the wild!!
We smashed all our stuff into two suitcases (two quick favorites about my girls suitcase 1. It is neon green hard plastic and 2. My girlfriend is so skinny she basically has to mount/dry hump the suitcase in order to close it)and were off.
Once aboard the good ship lick-a-cunt we grabbed beverages, our sunglasses and sat back as the single ladies gathered in herds. They are forced to wear silver dog tags (similar to the scarlet letter)for easy identification if you wanted to "attack" one. I thought Lady Gaga's meat dress would have looked better but who am I to judge?
On day two we met up with my Aussie friend (who also happened to be single this cruise but safely surrounded by 10 of her closest mates) in the filthy hot tub for drinks and stories. As we told stories from the night before my eyes were glued to a couple in the tub with us. One lady completely normally looking while her girlfriend had bleach blonde filthy dirty dread locks bobbing up and down in the water...almost in time with her hand in her lady friends swimsuit bottom all while we were seated in the same warm bath. As Aussie talked she discussed how she had narrowed down her choice of solos to two possibles. She pointed them out poolside and Elle and I made our decision for her...we both chose the cop from out west. I offered to assist a fellow vag seeker aka Aussie who was being far too shy to make the first move so I chimed up to play golf. (Just for the record I don't think games where you have to clench a smooth hard object with both hands while staring at one or more balls should be on a lesbian cruise.) Three dirty jokes later the cop joined us in the pool. We had to move from the hot tub because of the dreads.
As Aussie and Cop chatted it up Elle's face became puzzled and concerned. Now I had noticed the two obese ladies in the pool with us (at 2pm)that were attached and floating about but had averted my eyes from all the skin folds, deodorant chunks and lip gloss but she hadn't and had at that very moment (as they bobbed towards us) realized that they were fucking. Great... First dread locks and pussy in the hot tub, now gizzards and labias in the pool. We called it a day and retreated to our room for some sanity and to prepare for our day ashore tomorrow in Belize.
After a wonderful day full of snorkeling (which included a lady with a prosthetic leg... ever see a flipper attached to a stump?) we arrived back at the ship to shower for dinner. Thats when it happened. Elle had to pee... then I peed, then she peed, then I peed etc... all the while feeling like we were pissing razor blades out of our urethra's. After a half hour we were in the fetal position on the bed and minutes later with the nurse in the medic suite. It was 10 after six and the medics closed at 6 so it cost 1,000 dollars for us to piss blood starfish into tiny cups and receive one pill to make it through the night. Elle told me her favorite part of our visit thus far was after i had peed in the cup and the nurse came in to test the PH she overheard her say "wow, this is pretty much the worst it can be...see how the colors are neon." Elle's wasn't as bad PH wise just full of blood :) We took our pills and left anxiously awaiting our Dr. visit in the a.m.
8a.m. on the nose we were seated side by side in the medics office when the oldest doctor appeared (he reminded me of Punky Brewster's father Henry Warnamont) blue scrubs, neatly parted hair, glasses and leather loafers. Peered over his glasses at us and called us both in to his office at the same time since we both were suffering from severe Urinary Tract Infections. As we sat with Dr. Warnamont he gave us a plethora of reasons why we could have gotten such terrible infections and then briefly left the room to get our prescriptions. Upon returning he sat down, adjusted his glasses and looked directly into Elle and my soul. He then said and I quote
"Ya know, on cruises like this people tend to get more romantic...so if your going to use the dildo we recommend that after you take a sip of water and empty your bladder." WTF??!!!!! THE DILDO???? Twilight zone...
Honduras was up the next day and with our vaginas back on track we were out on the prowl for more adventures when we ran into Aussie. Elle and I were so excited to see how things ended the other day with the cop!! We each grabbed a drink and headed for our usual filthy cesspool of a hot tube where the Aussie explained how the night ended. After we left them poolside the conversation continued and even moved in the right direction as Aussie and cop retreated to Aussie's stateroom. (side note... Cop was on the cruise with her cousin and her cousin's girlfriend) Once in the stateroom Aussie started feeling more comfortable and the idea of a hookup started to creep into her mind when everything was interrupted by a knock at the door? Aussie, who didn't have a roommate was shocked so she answered the door to find the cops cousin a mess in the hallway exclaiming that she had just been notified that her brother had been killed and needed to be with cop. Cop pulled up her bra straps and left the room. Aussie and I discussed this because someone better seriously be dead because if you use that as a get out of hook up card your pretty much guaranteed a seat next to Lucifer.
Several infections and stories later including public sex acts we arrived home safe and smiling looking forward to bringing more friends on our next lesbian adventure!!!
