Birthday Bits 2

Afternoon:
After propping Dad up in his beatnik wheelchair outside the nurses station with two flat tires and windblown hair, Renee and I bolted.
It was pouring rain now and since I like to be wet on my birthday (PUN INTENDED) we walked slowly to the car which only accentuated our unshowered, greasy look. We had two errands to run before we had to get ready for our dinner reservations.

Our first stop was at Modern Formals to try and decide on a tuxedo for our wedding. We entered the store, which was backed wall to wall with redneck sausage and immediately were surrounded. I whispered to Renee that we were probably gonna be lynched or raped or both, so to try and and "act natural." LOL!! Little did we know that this town and the neighboring town's prom was tomorrow night so everyone was picking up their tux's!
Being the only two females in the store we were quickly approached by the salesman who asked how he could help us? Renee told him that we were getting married and wanted to look at some tuxedo's. This must have been REALLY EXCITING because he yelled as if he were the captain of the homosexual team CONGRATS!!! followed by a half smile and sideways head look saying "now...which one of you is going to be wearing the tux?" LOL!!! We opted to make an appointment for a later date so that we wouldn't get impregnated as we bent over looking at the ties...

Next stop... Walmart of course! As soon as we got in the store (as is tradition any time I go out with Renee) is the bathroom. (Woman has a bladder the size of an infant!) Now most public bathrooms are disgusting but this Walmart really takes the cake. It was like gas station nasty, moist floors, dirty sinks, finger nail clippings you name it?! We enter the latrine and the first 2 stalls are occupied so I b-line for the handicap bathroom with Renee right on my toes. As we pass the second closed stall door the woman breaks wind so loud and violently that I swear it parted my hair the other way!! Renee and I locked eyes as I shut my stall door a safe distance away from the shitter leaving her the only other unoccupied stall, which was directly next to the deuces wild! The smile stretched across my face as she pleaded with her eyes not to make her use that stall!! LOL Sorry sweetheart!
The excitement continues through out our visit as stall number 2 continues to erupt with anal music and bats flying out of the cave! I try to contain myself, unsuccessfully. I finish and beat feet to the sink where Renee and I meet up. As we quickly scrub our hands and up to our elbows, something catches my eye.. I look at stall number one and notice the person in there has removed her shoes to use the bathroom? Who the fuck does that? In a public bathroom? With a moist floor? The suspense was killing me as I snapped a quick photo... only to see said person then remove her khaki pants???! WOW.. you are really sitting on the toilet, at Walmart, minus your shoes, your pants and your NEXT TO THE SHITTER?! Why don't you just make yourself comfortable you fucking filth monger!!
Thank god we escaped unharmed! My only regret is that Renee wouldn't let me mill around the store to see the two culprits exit the restroom.... to be continued...

Birthday Bits

Morning:
Woke up late on my bday morning and had a hard time opening my eyes... I finally pulled it together and we were off to visit my father at the hospital. Once we arrived Renee and I decided to take him for a walk. What is a better place then out in the Japanese Garden... well I guess I wasn't entertaining enough for Renee who veered off the pathway and started "off roading" with my overweight father, reclined in his wheel chair!!! Boy was she in for a surprise.. cause when a 250LB man gets moving.. HE GETS MOVING!!! I could hardly contain myself as her face filled with fear!! She tried slowing the speed demon chair down with no luck before one of the tires ripped off causing the wheel to roll on just the metal rim! She finagled a corner before grinding to a stop on uneven pavement!!!! At this point I was pissing my pants and my Dad... well Dad just liked to feel the wind in his hair :)

When I finally catch my breath I realize that we fucking need triple AAA to get this bitch moving but there is NO ONE around... Renee feels terrible and is totally embarrassed and so to punish me she says "well your just gonna have to push that thing!" Gathering all the strength I can muster, I bear down and begin to push as my father started yelling at me!! He was basically mushing me like a dog as the chair scraped along the sidewalk, with him reclined almost "lampin"...I was just waiting for sparks to start flying!! The chair became heavier and heavier and Dad was angrier and angrier which only made the situation funnier!!! I barely made it on the elevator with a group of strangers when Renee started getting the giggles... I was covered in sweat and my father kept saying "I'm all done!" whatever that means... ME TOO for that matter LOL!!! Trying to get off the elevator was even more treacherous because now the second fucking front wheel snapped off!! I have a group of strangers standing around me watching, my girlfriend laughing, my father yelling and not one fucker helping! We made it to the nurses station where I showed them the wheels...and they couldn't believe that I had made it back from "the gardens" as I entertained them with my story and sopping wet armpits!

Still was one the best parts of my day... :) Love you Dad!!

Rock N Bowl

Thirty three like the Smashing Pumpkins song.. thats how old a good friend of mine was turning when she invited me out to a bowling alley/karaoke birthday celebration.. how could I turn that down?? I mean bowling alleys are like the equivalent of a lesbian bar right?
She told me to meet up at 915pm (which when you are in your thirties is like 2am)and although I really wanted to wear my Paulette Rubchuck gold pants I passed and went with a more forgiving pair of jeans.
After renting our neon green foot disease Velcro shoes I touched my first ball in years...I mean I usually avoid balls at all cost but I was willing to make an exception this one time because these balls looked clean, were blue, moist AND had holes that allowed me to place three fingers inside!! Heaven!
After a couple games we made our way to the "Strike" lounge to watch some karaoke, but first I had to stop in the alley's welcoming bathroom. I knew I should have walked on by when I saw what appeared to be a cum shot on the smokey glass portion of the door but no I went in anyway. My friend took stall number one, stall number two door was closed with a sign that read "out of order" so that left me with lucky number three. I really had to go at this point so I quickly locked the door, slipped my pants down and started to pee... ho hum... as the pee flowed I scanned the beautiful decor which included a penis drawing, a tulip in marker and oh whats this on my sneaker?? Oh just an ant... JUST A couple hundred FUCKING ANTS!!!! Looking at the floor I saw thousands were running all over the floor and covered the ENTIRE tampon disposal box!!! (see drawing) Stomping my feet and screaming I was outta there!!! Pants still down and all.. Oh Christ!!!! Since when did ants start eating bloody vag packers and not crumbs?? WTF??
No sooner did I exit my stall when I heard something skipping across the tile floor and my friend in stall number one say "OH SHIT!" The button on her jeans had just popped off and skipped across the floor of this shit hole room.. her favorite jeans so we had to find this fucking button and began searching every inch of this truck stop abode when A HA I see a dark colored object on the floor in the "out of order" stall... I alert her to my discovery, which she blindly reaches to pick up what appears to be her button... then she says "OH GOD... OH GOD it's not my button its a HAIRBALL!" CLASSIC!!
After she cut off the tainted hand we quickly walked through the dark alley passing a vending machine containing only socks, sweatbands, gloves and some type of balm?? Where are the condoms and who the fuck comes to this place??