Dive In Part II

So after a day's worth of drinking at all the best dive spots Alphabet City had to offer, we all survived the parking fun and made it to the last pub before a few of us were heading to the Cabaret, which happens to be my wife's favorite Broadway show.

It was imperative that those of us heading to the show EAT SOMETHING.... ANYTHING... my wife chose for me after I had stepped out for a moment a burger of sorts.  Now back in the day at this pub all you could order was a plate that literally had slices of cheese, a sleeve a Ritz crackers and some slivers of onions to wash those down, probably another reason I loved this spot!

But now they had burgers.  I found my seat and looked at the burger... it appeared normal so I began to eat.  One bite, two bites, three bites FIRE!!!!!   My entire mouth was melting from the heat coming from what appeared to be your standard burger?? What the fuck was happening to me??   I guzzled down an entire beer and then as any champion, I pushed the burger away from me through my tearing eyes as snot ran down my face to my lips.

Elle shook her head and told me that I had to eat if I was going to make the show?!  I told her that the burger was making me sweat like a whore in church it was so hot and she calmly shook her head and pushed the burger back to me.  FUCK ME...  I continued forcing down this burger which its heat could be compared to eating a fur burger leaking fluids from chlamydia, herpes or any other STDs that might make ones mouth BURN BURN BURN!!! While leaking bodily fluids, yes that's right my body was like a fucking open dam after a rain storm leaking filthy fluids from EVERY ORIFACE!!!!!  Finally done, partially blind, dehydrated and sweating we leave the bar.  On our walk back to our hotel to "freshen" up Joel asked me why the fuck I looked like a drowned rat and I tried explaining the burger to him... he shook his head and said he had a burger that was fine along with another friend Mammoth who agreed her burger was delicious?!?  That's when my wife dropped the bombshell, while I had stepped outside with Mammoth for her to have a cigarette, Elle had saturated my burger in the mayo that was on the table.....  Everyone stopped walking...  Joel then explained that the white shit on the table WAS NOT MAYO it was fucking HORSERADDISH the hottest thing he had ever put in his mouth, besides bad decisions in college.  We laughed the rest of the walk as my sweater slowly started to dry in the center of my back and armpits.  The night must go on!!!!!  After a quick stop at the hotel we all met outside and hopped in a Taxi headed to my wife's favorite show...

Two blocks into the ride Joel yells to stop the cab...why you ask?  Oh I don't know possibly because my wife was NOT IN THE FUCKING CAB???  We all exited the cab and ran the two blocks back to the hotel (not so fresh anymore) found her and hopped in the second cab!  The show was great but still sweating and sticking my seat Elle and I decided to abandon ship and leave... Elle decided since we were in the last row, and she is tall it would be best for her to climb over the seat instead of interrupting the rest of the row.   As my tall lady stood on her FOLDING SEAT the chair folded up causing her to smash her vagina on the back of the chair putting a pause to our escape... she recovered, slowly, thanked the chair for a good time and we exited the theater to our "private show."  Joel and Mammoth stayed and he later received a text from Peg...a friend from work who had a serious crush on him.

((It should be noted that Peg has removable legs, huge boobs and stands tall at 4'11''.  It is also important to know that she had told my office a story about her week visit home where she found out that her mother had HERPES in her eye and was forced to wear an eye patch at the same time her grandfather was admitted to the hospital with the diabetes to have a foot removed?!   SHOCKED & LOVING her story the words just poured out of my mouth.... I was like Peg what are you from a fucking family of pirates?  Your legs, your mom's eye patch and fucking grandfather's foot amputated???  I asked what ship they owned, how much "booty" they had and if her grandfather's foot had smelled of almonds prior to the amputation because I had heard that somewhere....when I finished this conversation the office was in horror as Peg laughed and answered each and every question!!!!  No Booty, Did not smell the foot but will in the future and mom loves the eye patch.))

Peg told Joel and friends to meet her and her friend at the bar next door... Appropriately named 3 monkeys.

Joel and friends walk in and quickly located Peg because she had brought along her friend.... a monkey.  After several drinks, Joel was tipsy and wanted to head back to the hotel to pass out on his box spring.  (side note Joel had bragged how his room had been $20 less than ours only to find that this meant NO MATTRESS!!!  Teeee Heeee).  Peg and her friend came with to use the bathroom at the hotel to drop some "heat" before heading home.  I guess once you see a hotel room with no mattress taking a shit before you leave as a female with a crush on the guy seems appropriate?! 

Joel and Elle woke me up way early cause they were starving and he wanted to rest on our mattress for a few before we began our adventure back to New Haven.  We all washed our faces guzzled some Gatorade and off we went...STARVING!!!!  We must have drove around the same 3 blocks 10 times in the city till we saw something that looked like a diner...  As we pulled up Joel read the window of the restaurant that was partially blocked out loud.  It had a circle logo and from the portion of the window we could see he read "FOOD & (blocked) RUGS"  Joel was like WTF does that place serve food and drugs??  Then he goes on to fake order food asking for "the C&C platter, you know Calamari and Crack platter."  On that note we exited the city and got on the highway putting Elle in charge of finding a diner close by.  She found one!!  So excited she told us it was in Stamford and the picture on her phone looked great SHE SAID.  We got off the exit into a "special" part of Stamford and followed her directions to this luxury diner only to pull up and find 30 card board boxes inside the front doors, parking at a carwash, lights off  looking abandoned and to our surprise people inside.....

As we stared at this horror show Joel stuck his head between the front seats and said "Um, guys I'm willing to go up a $ sign not to get stabbed on the way out."  Good point!!  We left and few short miles away we found a Panera in the ritzy section of Darien, CT.

We walked in and stood behind two customers.  The first lady at the counter had three obnoxious kids yelling about fucking flower cookies through the dessert glass, followed by a nanny with two of her own problem children (poor woman only spoke Spanish) the brats could order whatever they wanted.  Now when you're talking about a town with this kind of  affluent people don't you find it fucking ridiculous that we had to wait 20 minutes while the first lady paid for each child separately so she could use a goddamn coupon and then started screaming as another worker started bagging up the flower cookies because "I WAS HERE FIRST!!!! THOSE ARE MY COOKIES!!! THE TWO PINK AND ONE YELLOW!!!!"

The workers face never changed as she slowly and condescendingly said "I AM BAGGING THEM FOR YOU."  Woman turns bright red..oh oh... blah blah get the fuck out of line.  Meanwhile the children are yelling at Consuela their orders...the woman didn't have a chance.  Finally it was our turn to order, got our food and found a table in the blaring sun in the back near the bathrooms.  I ate half my bagel when my stomach started..... OH CHRIST.... I excused myself to the bathroom only to find that the women's room is locked with those fucking cookie kids screaming about inside.... NO TIME!!!!   I rush into the nasty men's room, with piss all over the toilet seat and floor in front and barely get my pants off as a fart escapes... Not just any fart...this fart was basically a pipe bomb with shit shrapnel.

My ass exploded into the bowl!!!!!  The noise was so loud I was sure the restaurant was wondering what had happened in the kitchen, three more explosions and I was empty, sweating, sitting in strange man's piss, red faced and out of breath....  I turn to my right for toilet paper to try and clean up this horrific mess, only to find myself staring at one...that's right ONE FUCKING SHEET OF TOILET PAPER...

FUCK MY LIFE....  I used the sheet to try and make the toilet look presentable, with my pants still down around my ankles giving it flush after flush to erase any trace of the skid mark massacre that had just happened... Next my ass.... I shuffled over to the only other option I had as someone was now attempting to open the door and I have to say "full house" hoping they will just die or go away as I place my ass in the sink and begin to shush water on it to remove the tar like feces that are everywhere.  Lucky none got on the mirror.  Then I look notice that this bathroom only comes with a hand dryer perfection..... I scoot over to that put it on full blast split my cheeks and let the hot air do its magic.

Finally dry with a piping hot ass I exit the bathroom... coast is clear... I then enter the now empty ladies room to scrub the shit out of my hands before returning to the table.  Joel and Elle are done eating and can tell by my beat red sweating face something EPIC just occurred.  I continued eating my bagel warning them not to use either bathroom until I finished eating.  As Elle sipped her Coke and Joel stared at me I told them about the attack of the men's room in our $$$ diner all while surrounded by nanny's in Panera.   We laughed all the way to the car and as we started driving... it wasn't until Milford, CT that Joel's belly started a war with his anus..... Bare down my friend you got 10 exits to go and my car has cloth seats!!!! 

Until next time.....spare a square and bring good friends!!!!!  

Dive In.... Part I

I know its been ages....  but I am back with amazing, filthy honest tales of horror.  BUT I must pace myself.  I can't just be "that guy" with the premature ejaculation from all the excitement.  Must go slow and enjoy every adventure... make it last, like "whiskey dick or whiskey clit."  SO with the poor excuses for not writing LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!

After a brief discussion at work with my partner Joel and our other "partner in crime" Thyme, we decided to take an overnight adventure to NYC to visit as many dive bars as possible.  The adventure would start early with me driving, and I fucking hate mornings almost as much as that time in high school when I thought it would be fun to "try it in the butt."  OFF WE GO!!!!!

Thyme lives in New York so my wife, Elle, and I only had to pick up Joel and hop on the interstate.  We made it about 3 exits until everyone needed food.  We stopped at the standard service plaza that had like 5 restaurants if you will, so we all split up.   I wait in line and get up to the counter where a younger girl (hair aqua netted to her forehead, heavy makeup at 10am, earrings that screamed CLAIRE'S and my favorite fake eyelashes that were falling off) was working, and I swear to Christ it must be my haircut or my face that people just tell me random shit?!  As she cashes me out she tells me, with half a fake eyelash blocking her vision, that her friend just got busted for banging a younger chick...

As I breathed in her smoky breath, shaking my head to fake my disgust, she handed me my change, and two things happened... I said politely to her "yeah, guess you gotta check IDs before for you fuck them, or at LEAST PULL OUT." and she was like "TOTALLY."  I'm sure the other customers enjoyed our dialogue.

As I thanked her, I hear Joel and my wife arguing/laughing, and Joel is walking fast to get away from my wife who is carrying two small plastic cups and laughing?  WTF is this???  Well Joel explains to me as Elle is furiously drinking some weird liquid that those were samples of McDonalds shamrock shakes that had been out UNREFRIDGERATED since last night!!!!!  I look at Elle and she said they taste good, a little warmer then I like but....  Great now we have to drive an hour with my wife who just drank two milk based products and already has stomach issues.  We laughed and trucked back to the car.

We finally make it to the lower east side.  I became aware of this because as someone crossed behind my car, he punched it?  Ahhhh home!!!  So we get to our hotel and drop off our bags since it is too early to check in.  I head down the stairs to use the ATM while Joel heads to the bathroom.
The scene at the bottom of those stairs was something out of a movie....I stare at the ATM, which has what appears to be a dead man laid out on the floor directly in front of it as Joel struggles with the door that requires your room key to enter... where the fuck are we staying????

So I carefully step over the man and use the ATM all the while looking over at Joel who is now being attacked by a woman who is yelling at him "YOU LET ME IN!!!" as Joel tries to explain we are not checked in and you need a hotel key... that woman was a honey badger - she didn't give a shit.  She just got louder and started shaking the door handle as Joel slowly backed away only to see me in my situation using the ATM!  Both of our faces lit up, his especially because I was standing in a split barely able to reach the buttons and couldn't move.  Finally I got my cash and he and I bolted up the stairs back to my wife.  Now we need a drink.... I call Thyme and she is 10 minutes away but gives us the address to one of her favorite dives in Alphabet City Manhattan.  As we climbed in the taxi and pulled up to our location we were finally there... the king and two queens at Double Down are here!
The outside did not let us down!!!  We came for filth and by golly we got it!!!!

We all stood outside amped to be here and finally entered.....  The second you walk inside you are struck with a strong odor and realize that all seats except for the bar are broken old diner booths or couches that were at one time covered in felt but so much oil, booze, semen, discharge and feces had now removed the felt leaving a nasty half balding futon?  The walls were painted, and there was midget porn on all four televisions.


The specials of the day were shots of "Ass Juice" and "Leprechaun Piss" but best of all PBR is on tap and its not even 1pm!!!!!  Happy hour is from noon till 8pm with all drinks (including Jameson) buy one get one!  HEAVEN!

Thyme arrived soon after and we all quickly got a round of PBR and Ass Juice Shots

Ahhh the good Times NY!!  I forced Thyme to do a shot of Leprechaun Piss with me when she got her beer to thank her for what so far could only be an epic day!  

The three filthy fucking musketeers back at it!  Sitting on shitty felt less couch PUKE

After telling small adventure we each had been on and drinking several rounds, I mean it is two for one and there is NOTHING IN THIS WORLD AS GOOD AS ASS juice.  We eventually had to individually take trips to the bathroom at this circus of a bar.  First my wife who ended up walking in circles because the doors to the bathroom basically are hidden rooms.  After walking in circles a few times someone was nice enough to direct her and then immediately shoot out a snot rocket.  Elle returned as refreshed as one can from a bathroom that doesn't have working sinks and chugged her beer.  Joel and a friend were next to attempt to locate the bathroom and after several minutes with them not returning and having to pee myself, I went in search of the bathroom....  I turned the corner by the pool table (also missing felt) and found fools with condoms and bathrooms that were a TRUE FUCKING EXPERIENCE.

 Once inside the bathroom, I tried to soak up as much piss on the seat as possible as my shoestrings and one pant leg did the job from the fucking latrine floor.  I exited after wiping my vagina with my bare hand and no working sink to join my friends back at the couches.  It was then that I saw it......poking out from the nasty, felt lacking, crevasse of a couch/futon was just the tip of a purple comb... To my DISBELIEF I watched as Thyme pulled it out of the crevasse... I frantically screamed "what the hell are you gonna do with that????"  She chuckled and calmly answered, comb my hair of course silly.  WTF IS GOING ON???  I mean I am pretty fucking hard core but this beotch is goddamn Lord of the risk takers!!!!"  After a quick comb a roosky she slipped the fucking lice/crab infected comb into her back pocket.... for later?????  WHOA!!!!!! 

 

After that experience my eyes were drying up and we needed to move along to the next dive before hitting our favorite bar.  The next bar was also a two for one that gave you mini dinosaurs to redeem your drinks!  This is where I met my new beer friend PORK SLAP!

 Next up we drove to McSorely's... a friend of mine who also lives in NY drives a car that is as it says on the mirror "Objects are larger than may appear."  We arrive, sort of... there is a spot if you will the size of a mini cooper and my friend is all I can totally fit there!!!  At this point the car is packed with people and she begins our mission of parallel parking.  First we hit the car behind us, then in front, then behind, then in front, then behind, you get the picture after the 5th hit Joel is like I gotta get outta this car!!!  But the car fit to all our surprise.....very tight like a virgin's vagina :)

Laughing we all stumble inside the oldest Irish Pub in NYC.... Joel who had never been and was the virgin to this joint quickly inquired about the saw dust on the floor... "What the hell is this shit? Why?"  I laughed and quickly pointed to a pile of vomit covered with saw dust pushed into the corner of the bar....

 Genius he says as we make our way to a table for some lights and darks and cheese and onions.  Ahh the adventure is only heating up... but I will have to pause there and leave the part of meeting up with "Peg" the girl whose legs fall off and the drug restaurant/ $$ for part II  of this great trip!
Missed you fuckers, next blog coming ASAP!!!!!
STAY TUNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   KCCO!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

Final "Shit Show" of 2014!!

 

December is known for Holiday traditions such as eggnog, parties and of course the yule log and this last event from this year contains all of the above and so much more.  Elle and I were invited to an Ugly Christmas Sweater party, which neither of us had ever been to before so we were more than amped when we picked out our holiday delights to wear.  I selected something colorful with lights, while Elle went with standard preschool teacher décor.

The party was a hit and had so much delicious/greasy foods and tons of booze (both of which make your intestines like a water slide) among the usual laughter and sick stories from the gang.  As the booze flowed the stories become better and by better I mean more sexual, graphic in nature and whimsical for the holidays.  Elle located a pile of fun cut outs and I lost her for an hour or so doing god knows what but these were the only appropriate pictures of her to post...



 Meanwhile, I was busy "ringing in the new year" with some perfectly placed decorative balls.

Now all of this is normal party antics, drinks, food, balls etc.... but the story takes a horrific turn for the worse as Elle and I decided to call it a night.  We had gotten two amazing gifts from a swap, both included expensive liquor and custom glasses, that I was deemed in charge of by my wife??  Does she even know me?  LMFAO..... Ok....

So I gather up our coats say my goodbyes as she continues chatting and exit the condo on the way to our car, which is parked a block or so away near some woods... IN A CONDO COMPLEX (we aren't talking about the fucking forest here!!!!!) 

 As I walked alone, arms full of booze towards the car I felt something building inside me...

 

 

 Was it gas?? No.. Cramps?? Not quite..... Thats when the "holy ghost" hit me!!!!  I was going to shit myself!!!!  I began to jog as best I could while clenching my ass cheeks as much as possible without letting the slithery shit spill out and barely got to the car, sweating and cramping....  OMG was the pressure building.  With no time to spare I hap hazard reached inside my car only to find used filthy, hard, crunchy napkins strewn about on the floor which I grabbed, they would have to do and bolted for the "woods." 

I only made it about 15 steps in some brush when I ran out of time.  The street appeared clear...and as I ripped off my jeans and underpants the fluids just started spilling out of me followed by logs, INDUSTRIAL LOGS... Several things should be noted here.  1. I was in a condo complex. 2. I had brought our gifts into the "shit show." 3. I only had hard crusty dirty napkins for wiping AND 4.  DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO MAINTAIN A SQUAT WHILE DRUNK AND SHITTING IN THE WOODS?????  EXACTLY.....

As the mounds of clay like shit left my body I heard talking..what was this??  Oh, shit more party goers leaving, my stressed passed when I realized it was only Vee and her boyfriend not that anyone should ever see you shitting in the woods and trying to wipe with concrete napkins, but if I had to choose she would make the list.  Now as you know when one must wipe their ass they must use one hand which when your drunk totally throws off your balance and BOOM down I go.  Lucky I had the wits about me to lean back and avoid the lava pile of shit and land in leaves!  No time!!!!  As I struggled to my feet and hurried to get my pants on I was spotted by Vee.   "Cuddy WTF are you doing?"  Well, at this point what the fuck was I gonna say....enjoying the foliage taking the imaginary dog for a walk... NO I yelled to her and her new boyfriend I had to shit in the woods... 

Now for my escape (all 15 feet to my car/street) teetering and unable to see pile of shit

I began walking confidently out of the woods when it happened.... I found my shit... not only did I find it... but I booted it like a soccer ball into the air where it immediately exploded like glittery fireworks of excrement!!!!!!! 

I closed my mouth to make sure I didn't literally eat shit and prayed that I was far enough away from my friends that they were not covered in a drizzle of doody and kept up my confident walk.  I made a couple of jokes as Elle approached the car too.  Now it gets weird... four of us talking and it smells like shit, not any shit MY SHIT.  Vee and her boyfriend slowly back away from me as I look down to see shit on the top of my boot.  Oh Christ.... Laughing trying to remain calm I decide to tell everyone I have my own shit on my shoe... Disgusted Elle hands me a clean napkin?? Lord knows where this gem had been hidden but in my attempts to clean my boot off I just smeared the tar like feces all over my hand....

Elle was more than disgusted and kept asking me why the hell I hadn't walked the 10 steps back to the party and used the bathroom?!?!?!?  While I just kept asking her for sanitizer and more napkins as Vee and her boyfriend silently made their exit...I remember seeing their rear lights fade into the distance (Vee knows me too well.)  I clean up best we can while getting a ride home and ditch the boots outside once home. Safe at last.... Another night to remember....ahh yes a memory...  Elle was curious over the next couple of days as to where our classy booze gifts were and to be honest I have no fucking clue??!! So we left that behind along with the heaping mound of shit after an amazing party OR SO WE THOUGHT.......

Laundry days come and go time passes and I can never tell truly what has been washed or not but it is now Christmas Eve and we are off to spend it with my family.  We shower, get dressed, Elle in her cute new Christmas outfit, me in my new sweater and my favorite jeans and continue getting ready.....It wasn't until I walked into the bathrooms horrific bright lights that I looked down only to realize that THESE JEANS, THE PARTY JEANS HAD NEVER BEEN WASHED!!!!!!!!

I STARED DOWN AT THEM IN THE BATHROOM, NEXT TO MY WIFE WITH A LEFT LEG COVERED IN SHIT (*NOTE ACTUAL PICTURE BELOW*)

Elle was disgusted and yelled at me to change...WTF was wrong with me...but after she left the bathroom I just grabbed the peppermint soap and washed off as much shit as possible and walked out of the house with a wet left leg.  As I approached the car Elle looked at my jeans, realized I had not changed and shook her head in disbelief/disgust and disappointedly said "Come on you filth monger!"

Happy New Years Eve!!!!!!! 

May you not be covered in shit confetti but real confetti and may the only thing you kick up tonight be your heels!!!!!  

SEE YOU IN 2015!!!!!

XO CUDDY

 

 



Anything but "Normal"

The holidays are always a time for being around family and friends and since my wife is originally from Chicago we split the holidays either on the East Coast or in the windy city.  This past Thanksgiving was our first Thanksgiving to spend with her family.  We flew to Chicago, got in a day early had an amazing dinner followed by a great holiday with the usual joking around and story telling.  My wife decided that since her brother, had visited us on the East Coast we should visit him and his girlfriend's, condo in southern Illinois.  They were excited for us to come so they could show us around.  So we set out on our adventure Friday afternoon....  A three hour car ride with four fools in a car headed to town called Normal, IL.

When we got there it was everything a small town in Illinois should be.  Parking lots, pubs, restaurants and just enough people to keep things interesting.  We stopped at a great restaurant for some drinks and appetizers before heading to the condo.  The condo was gorgeous and shared with an amazing man, Steve, who not only allowed Elle and I to sleep in his bed, we got to use his private bathroom.. that's important later.  We all got ready and hit the town.  We ate first some wings that looked like they were black and yummy pizza before hopping in a cab and heading to a great bar to meet Steve's son.

In the pub pints, laughs and shots of god knows what are flowing!!  We find Steve's son and hitch it back to downtown Normal to hit the local pubs....

The pub we ended up at had huge dance floor and we were with a large group.  In the mix there was some three way or some shit going on but I was oblivious as Elle was trying to give good advice...the only part of the conversation I heard was the gay girl tell Elle was how they (she and straight girl) had been hooking up for weeks BUT this past weekend the other girl FINALLY WENT DOWN ON HER?!  I watched as my wife sipped her beer and shook her head "no."  Before turning and talking to someone else before again being hounded for queer advice.  I took the easy exit out being asked anything sensible... by grabbing my brother in-law and we climbed onto a counter and started dancing ridiculously and really got the crowd going!!  I left him to wow the crowd while I crawled away thinking how did this counter get to be so 9ft high??  Once back on the ground more friends of friends arrived and the booze continued to flow, along with the queer drama a pushing match and two girls searching the ground on their hands and knees (thongs way out of their tights) for what I could only imagine was a contact or $100 bill.... I mean why the fuck else would you touch a floor that had a good ole coating of semen, vomit, spit and beer wax as they rubbed it down.  I called it quits, and we headed back to the condo.  (P.S. our train back to Chicago was at 7:30am.)
I was placed in pj's and left in a bed while my wife and friends took videos of me passed out with other people doing donkey kicks over my head?  Such a limber ladies!!

I wake up at 7:29a.m. about to shit my the bed.... I go running to the (thank god private) bathroom that our host provided (very nicely decorated) and did some decorating of my own.  A splash of color here, a clump of something there... you get the idea.  After my entire system was emptied I began my crawl back to bed.  When, what is this my body says OH NO!!!!!   I run back to the shit stink and shove my face directly into my recently painted canvas and begin vomiting black and blue.  I truly am an artist!

Unfortunately, I am so passionate about my art that I was heaving SO HARD that you guessed it... I pissed my pants.  Not just a squirt... A LOT.  Like had to dab the floor with toilet paper LOT.  Now since we were only staying 1 night I had not brought extra underwear, and since I was still exhausted didn't really give a shit about my wet panties and pj's.....  I am so sorry STEVE!!!!!!
But I did it... I climbed back into your wonderful bed full of piss with vomit fragments in the corners of my mouth!!  I OWE YOU SO MUCH!!!!

Elle woke me up in a panic!!!!!  WE MISSED THE TRAIN!!!!  It was now almost 11a.m. and we had to rush to get to the station.  AGAIN I had no clean underwear so I just put my jeans on over the sopping wet panties.  OUT THE DOOR!!!!

We made it just in time.... or so we thought.  The train was delayed for what ended up being 3 FUCKING HOURS (WET PANTS THE ENTIRE TIME PEOPLE!!) As we sat there waiting I was like maybe we should eat something?

 Ya know, take the edge off.  So Elle and I wondered over to Subway.  I got the best thing for a hangover.  A tuna sandwich from a train station Subway.  We sat down I devoured my sandwich, looked at Elle.  She could see the vomit rising in my throat and just said "go."  Its not like I left her alone.... I mean there was a small boy at a table across from us who was wearing a bandana like a bank robber and a baseball hat, staring at her.  As I ran passed him I saw him remove the bandana and say "I am no longer in disguise."  WTF?????  OKKKKKKK.........

Across the station I bolt, jeans wet in the ass and all into the ladies room (which I hardly even qualify to use at this point right??) Push open the door and BOOM!  Oh what's this when I enter??  Just a woman who has tri color hair smells like pony musk and is using a fucking PLUG IN STRAIGHTNER ON HER HAIR?!?

I didn't know if the smell of a pony or the fact that she was straightening that matted mess was more shocking...no time because once I passed her and made the corner I ran directly into a a woman taking a "shower" we will say at the sink.... 

I think its safe to say that her once supple breasts had transformed into what can only be described as moist mommy bags with the nipples resting ever so gently on the edge of the train station bathroom counter (moving ever so slightly, swaying if you will, as to leave little wet marks on the ledge) and a black bush poking out from the top of her unbuttoned jeans.  Of course this only solidified that fact that I was indeed going to VOMIT.  Into the handicap stall throw my jacket on the ground and begin heaving so loud that I hear someone getting sick listening to me.  After a good heave... I sat down against the cold metal door with no lock, jacket on the ground and thought.... I am these women...I just hide it better.  I slowly climb to my knees with the use of the metal rails and sling my now dirty jacket onto my back and walk out to find my two "friends" staring at me.... I sighed as I walked passed them, WITHOUT WASHING MY HANDS and sighed softly "ohhhh god."

I found Elle cleaning up the remains of her sandwich and ending what appeared to be a conversation with the little bandit.  She told me that after I had run off he was like geessh whats with him? (short hair) and my wife was like sick ya know.  Boy nodded and then said "what'd ya get on yours" motioning to her sandwich with his head.  She told him and he replied with that he got a Fanta grape and a sandwich with black olives, which he advised her and I quote "believe me I used to not like olives."  At least she had company while I was making friends.  I found my way to the worlds most uncomfortable bench and layed down until my neck completely snapped off...

So this is what it felt like to die.  Elle read her book pretending not to know me as the crowds shuffled passed us, her dressed looking presentable, me piss covered jeans, dirty jacket, ridiculous hair; and last nights running down my face.  FINALLY OUR TRAIN!!!!!!!!!   I could not have been more tickled after empting my entire body, drying off and finding seats directly in front of a (horrified to see to gay ladies, one practically dead) Amish family.

As I sat back and listen to them speak in what I could only imagine was damning words about us in a far off language I grabbed my wife's and we smiled at each other, before we peeked at them through the seat, kissed and fell off to sleep! AHHHHHH!!!!!!  Another wonderful adventure with yours truly... THE CUDDYS! 

HAPPY HOLIDIZZLES!!!