Bottoms Out

November 14th will always be a tough day for me - it would have been my father's birthday.  However instead of spending my time crying at a cemetery or drinking there (who knew that was frowned upon?!) I decide to celebrate his birthday; and I am pretty sure he was smiling down on how epic this one was!!!

I spoke to some close friends and invited them out to celebrate with me.  We decided to hit all the local Irish pubs in New Haven along with my Dad's favorite haunts, with one rule... we all had to drink his beer of choice from my childhood....

That's right bitches, The Champagne of Beers!!!  Well after getting quite the buzz on and adding more people to our amazing group, esp. my friends who have also lost a parent.  Its a small group of us which we have labeled "The Half Orphan Club."  Being a member of this club gives you the right to get absolutely shit faced on two dates birthday of deceased and date of death, however if you're one of the presidents of this club (aka L.U.S.H.) like my self you obtain free passes... like father's day and any other event where that parent should have been there promotions, birthdays, holidays etc...  Simple fee to enter just one of the most tragic loses of your life, no biggie?!!

We then head to one of my favorite bars closer to home.  Its epic in its self for many reasons (but you will have to come to my comedy routine there on December 7th, 2014 to find out why) all which be exposed over time.

The Old Dublin

 

Upon arrival, from what I remember some of my best, oldest, and bizarre friends were waiting.  After having some drinks and blacking out I figured NOW is a good time to go home *take note it was 9pm* now that's a real trooper!  My wife Elle and one of my friends, Lando, agree to drive me home.  We climb into Elle's car and what should have been a 5 min ride took 20 because they kept asking the drunk girl for directions?!  I could have shit my pants at this point and just thought the seat warmer was on, why the fuck would you ask me anything???  Once home Lando helps me to bed and I lay down....FULLY FUCKING CLOTHED, similar to the "hottie" below:

Elle struggles to try and remove my clothes before Lando steps in and throws the comforter over me (like I am a fucking corpse) and tells her "she's fine, just blame me."  Out the door those two go to continue the night, my night as I slept with our cat's asshole near my face and a dog who kept farting audibly. 

Once back at the Dublin two more of Elle's friends met up "Alice" and "Peggy."  Lando is busy talking to Nina a friend of ours from the Dub and Alice.  Elle described it as watching a tug of dick war, which she thoroughly enjoyed while drinking her beer.  Nina, who lives upstairs, figures fuck it and gives Lando her number and exits.  Alice begins chatting it up with Lando who is still intrigued that a woman lives upstairs from the bar.  Peggy gets anxious as she wants to dance, I mean after all she is wearing some serious black spandex leggings and a spandex top to boot!

Well the only bar that fit everyone's criteria that Elle could think of was this weird place we have only been two 2x "Rick's." Rick's used to be a house or some shit with all these weird rooms, but the weirdest part of this bar is it is packed with extremely young (21yrs) to older (55yrs) ages.  And the company is all mixed the fuck up so you just have to go with it.  *Quick side note last time we were there I saw a girl getting fingered by a 70yr old guy on the outside patio under her skirt.  I was like holy fuck and turned to the dude next to me who seemed about my age and said are you seeing this shit...he sipped his beer and whispered back "yeah, that's my wife" and smiled all filthy like at me.*

So Lando, Peggy, Alice and Elle arrive at Rick's only to be stopped the door by three guys standing outside in 14 degree weather in t-shirts asking for ID's.

So they each handed over their ID's and the "Bro's" each giggled and smoked their ciggy's until Lando realized these were just douche bags in t-shirts pretending to be bouncers?!  Wow, what a great idea, lets stand outside in the freezing cold in the front of a bar with hard nipples in children's shirts and play pretend and after that we will go home with one of our bouncer buddies and continue playing pretend as they blow each other but don't worry cause "it's only GAY if the balls touch."  Once inside Alice, Lando and Peggy immediately surveyed the odd customers.... truckers, sluts, 80s chicks, mullets you name it and its there!!!!

Elle and Peggy wanted to dance (who wouldn't in a cat suit!!!)  Lando and Alice took seats at the bar to chat.  While seated at the bar chatting Lando noticed the band was extremely older looking, maybe it was the lights, maybe it was the booze or maybe it was the cane one was using to stand upright? 

Lando's concentration was broken by the guy standing behind him, who was now leaning on his back.. he gave a little nudge and it stopped for all of 4 seconds and boom back to back dancing with this guy.

Lando politely moved positions only to start getting tapped on the shoulder by some other guy?!  He then went to the bathroom, which of course in this creepy fucking bar is upstairs, maybe this was a funeral home??  He gets to the men's room only to find the door being held open by a concerned girl watching this guy pissing?!

 Lando excuses himself past her grasp as she screams "He's drunk I have to watch him!!" Calmly he tells her "I got him" and slams the door in her face. 

Afterward he returns to the bar and Alice... Peggy and Elle are still dancing and the band is really good. Playing music from all over 70s, 80s, 90s, thru present. Lando looks around the crowd and was like "well at least someone here was alive when these were all hits?"  As the bar starts letting out they decide to come back to our house.  Drinks continue until Elle notices that Lando and Alice are making out on our couch next to Peggy...Elle's only concern is that my fathers quilt is also on that couch and does not want ANYTHING to get on it.

 

As Lando (who is secretly sick with a cold tee hee) and Alice continue to slop around tongues Elle decides that she is going to show Peggy the tree house. Great idea when your 4 sheets to the wind to climb a ladder that is suspended in the air!!! LOL if only I had been awake!!!

After freezing for a few minutes they come back inside never knowing the conversation that had taken place during the hot heavy make out session.  While in the middle of making out (literally bodily fluids exchanged, sweaty upper lips, hot breath) Lando abruptly stops the kissing and wants to ask Alice a serious question.  Shocked Alice is like ok...  and then he fucking pulls this one out of his hat "Do you give blow jobs?"  Alice looks left, right back at Lando and states the obvious..... "OF COURSE!!!!"  Back to making out!!!!!  When Elle and Peggy return Alice tells them that she is going to take Lando back to his car and they leave....Elle inspects blanket ALL GOOD!  She and Peggy continue drinking at the house.  Peggy is getting all biggigity about not getting ass and in her rant drops a beer and the bottle shatters into pieces.....

 

Now she is upset because our dog, has no eyes.  Literally had to have her eyeballs removed so she can't see shit!  Peggy is going crazy trying to clean everything up terrified that the dog will walk on the glass!!!!!  She keeps getting up, getting paper towels, bending down... (I did mention she was in a cat suit right?) well as Elle attempts to try and help her, she bends down directly in front of Elle tearing the ASS OUT OF HER TIGHTS, LITERALLY!!!!!!   Similar to this:

No fucking way this is happening and I am passed out one room away!!  Not only did poor Peggy's pants tear wide the fuck open on her ass, she had decided that she was not going to wear any underwear for tonight's shenanigans so it was all cheek and all crack!!!!!!!!  In between hysterical laughter Elle tried to offer her some sweatpants but she was like "FUCK IT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"  LMFAO!!!!! As Alice returns and they both head out, only I am sure the ride home was much colder for Peggy unless she sat in some warm gooey white stuff on the passenger seat to stay warm.... we will know in 9 months!!!!!
BOTTOMS UP!!!!!!!!!

 Happy Birthday Dad, I know you would have loved this night! I miss you and love you.

Shitty Cutlery

We all had that person we went to school with that we thought was a rebel or a legend or just plain terrifying but none of my stories came close to this gem my wife recently disclosed about a girl she shared a dorm with in college.

Some schools are more likely to allow students to "find themselves" and even nurture this behavior so as to make a person truly comfortable being themselves.  Now the only thing my College did for me was teach me to chug pitchers of cheap beer with quarters in them, watch "anal chugs" and vomit on a saw dust covered bar floors but I guess when comparing my school to my wife's we could just say that... mine was less than a parent would hope for!

My wife's college was different and so were the students.  However, one person in particular stands out.  This girl was amazing, we will call her Faye. Faye never attended class but remained in school. She wandered the halls aimlessly and drunk, hair all greasy and in her eyes, ciggy (with a huge ash) dangling from her lips, tank top stained with no bra and a handle of vodka clutched in her right hand (even though drinking was prohibited rules did not apply to her.)

 My wife remembered being obsessed and terrified of Faye...how did she break all these rules and never get in trouble?  Did she really have a best friend/sidekick whose name was candy spelled with an "i" rumored to be named after a trailer park?  Amazed she and all the other women in the dorm would watch Faye in disbelief and awe until the day of the incident, which would make Faye a true legend.

Now everyone knows that women shitting is not a popular topic, but lets face the facts people we all have assholes and shit does come out of ladies too, however, not as large as this usually....  So one day my wife sees there was a gathering of ladies in the bathroom.  Elle goes into find that everyone was all upset because the toilet was plugged with the most ginormous piece of shit that has ever fallen from a human asshole.  The shit was so big and strong that the toilet water at full speed didn't even move beast from its final resting place.

Well the girls didn't know what to do!?  There is this huge shit in the toilet and of course no one is admitting to it because that would mean their asshole was the size of a hubcap so they just stood there in disbelief..... UNTIL THAT IS... FAYE WALKED IN.  The girls silently moved out of her way, so as not to get burned with the ciggy or hit with the vodka bottle as she sauntered drunkenly past only to stop and peer into the stall.  Staring down on that enormous piece of shit she took a long hard drag of her cigarette, nodded and walked back out of the bathroom silent.  WTF does that mean??  Was she claiming the shit?  Was she impressed?  Was she too horrified? NOOOO.... She returned moments later with a butter knife (the real dull kind) in her other hand.

The girls quickly moved out of Faye's way because the look in her barely visible eyes meant business...LITERALLY...  She took another drag of her cigarette before handing the bottle of vodka to one of the terrified onlookers and then with speed like lightening she reached into the toilet and began shredding the shit out of the.... SHIT!!!!  She was cutting that piece of crap up like it was her job!!  Into slices the size of a Ritz crackers!!  Hacking away water splashing here there and everywhere until the enormous piece of shit was just a diced up pile of poker chips.  She stood back and looked down at her work, satisfied that NOW the toilet would flush.   FLUSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As the water swirled and the toilet swallowed the pieces of shit chips like a kid dumping quarters into a arcade game only leaving ONE skid mark....as proof that there had been an epic deuce in this toilet;  Faye turned to the crowd of ladies, wet shit covered butter knife still in hand, dripping shit water, grabbed her bottle of vodka from girl and walked out of the bathroom without saying a word... I should also mention that she took the poop knife with her.  Now I have seen a lot stuff in college but this was an all girls college and all I can say is Faye, wherever you are... I LOVE THE SHIT OUT OF YOU!!!!

 

"my neck, MY BACK..."

Ah the summer months.... months of frolicking outside, sunset drinks and for me a constant sweat mustache and wet armpits.  However, I have been unable to filthily cleanse my pours so to speak because at the end of June my spinal cord disc's yet again decided to bulge out of place and make sweet love to all the surrounding nerves.  Now this old injury reoccurs every year or so, unexpectedly so you can imagine my surprise when I was driving to work on a Monday morning and violently got stabbed in the back  by knife wielding ghost causing my left leg to go numb.  FUCK ME...it was like driving with a sandbag attached at my hip.  Getting home was a bit tricky because I always worry that my vagina might go numb as well and as we know from previous blogs my SUV has cloth seats and even though they are already covered with bodily fluids I hate to add fuel to the fire but more IMPORTANTLY I NEED TO FEEL MY VAGINA!!!! 

I arrived home and could no longer really control my left leg and my back was getting worse.  As I parked the car I prayed no neighbors were outside... Have you ever actually seen the "Humpty Dance" Well it goes a little something like this (slightly modified) 

      I fell out of the car cause the left leg is closest

  I limped to the side like my leg was broken

Shaking and twitching like I was drunk or jokin'

Crazy, Wack, Funky 

That's alright cause Cuddy was in motion

As I wobbled to the door it must have looked like

I was having a fit or convulsion

No two people will do it the same

You can only do this dance when in SEVERE PAIN

 

 

This shit was for real!!!!  When I went to my Dr. he just stared the disc was so sore to the touch and it appeared as though I had a ping pong ball in my back.  Dr. orders rest and physical therapy.  Now I have done physical therapy before but this was a new experience for me.  I walked in and it basically looked either like a sex shop or torture chamber. There were colorful ball, weights, leather things even some gags (it appeared) everywhere and three different "private rooms" along with curtains around certain "instruments" for privacy.

This did not put me off at all....I actually smiled at my new "therapist."  First I was taken into a room where I had to lay on a table with used paper (it was ripped and I could see someone else's shoe print on it) and had my therapist push down on my hips...then a second person entered the room for my "pelvic thrusts."  A pelvic thrust is exactly what it sounds like... I made sweet, painful love to the air while my new, we will call them dominatrix watched.

 

I was sore and tired from all that pumping (props to all you fella's out there!)... but the dominatrix was not done with me...she turns me over so that they can apply DIRECT PRESSURE TO THE DISCS!!!!!  I was moaning in pain and realized how sexual this experience had actually become.  This second position was only pained more by the attempt to relax the muscles around it. 



 As tears began to fill my eyes and the slightest moans escaped my mouth I thought Jesus when did I last feel this uncomfortable, nauseous and in pain...... OH YEAH losing my virginity with a man!  As they continued moving my clothes around to poke and prod at my spine, it was then that I realized I was fucking wearing underpants that had Christmas Trees and said HO!!HO!!HO!! Its July. Fuck my life.

 

Finally they finished with using their hands on me.  One of the dominatrix told me to go into the next room... Room 2.

 

ROOM 2

The table in this room was slightly tilted (pillow portion towards floor.)  There were some sort of nylon straps, plastic buckles, leather corset and a machine in the wall.  The machine had two thick ropes coming out of a metal box, with a bar between them.  I start thinking holy fucking shit is that stick like a piece of leather for me to "bare down" on?!  All I can think is sex swing...minus table.

  As the door to Room 2 closes I see a women laying out IN PLAIN SIGHT on what can only be described as 4 beds pushed together, like an orgy bed I once saw in NYC?! I smile... thinking at least the tables are easy to clean unlike the sticky cushions I had sat on at that bar!!!  The woman had some sort of a band attached to her feet forcing her legs to her face?  It was then I knew I was in for an epic experience... whatever it was.

 

 

  The door shuts only to reveal another leather device/harness with straps attached. (I am gay so I am pretty fucking familiar with a leather harness if you know what I mean!)  My dominatrix removes the harness from the door and asks me to step into the leg straps....  Ummm awkward.... esp cause I have a days old stubble on my legs because I can't bend down to shave them, decide to make a joke about it...no laugh... ok, you fucking weirdo.  Legs in harness and corset #1 goes around my waist, she adjusts all the straps (not used to this?)  Next I am told to lay down on the table, which also has a piping hot water/towel baggie thing on it. Very Hot, not sexually.  Dominatrix then pulls the second harness/corset up over my boobs and LITERALLY STRAPPING ME DOWN TO THE FUCKING TABLE!!!!  Now I am a little nervous, I have worn harness, been tied to beds but this...this is weird.  For a number of reasons mostly cause I don't even know her name? 

 

Now that I am all "tied up" the dominatrix pulls the ropes out of the machine in the wall and attaches by METAL HOOKS to the legs harness. (Oh I forgot to mention that my legs are bent over a stool which was placed on the table so I can't even see the machine only stubble legs!!!!  She asks if I am ready for "traction."  My back is killing me and I just want this over so I agree.... The machine starts...  Basically traction is when you are attached to a table by harnesses and straps and the machine pulls you from your lower body towards the wall separating you spinal discs.  All I could think of at that exact moment was yelling "FREEDOM" as I was pulled apart.  After 20 minutes of being stretched apart the machine shut off.  I was released from the table and allowed to leave...and leave I did... two sweaty butt cheek marks on the table and finger nail impressions on the cushion.

Next time I would like a piece of leather to bite on!

 

So in between my visits to the dungeon my life consists of my mothers 1970's heating pad and pills.

 

 On my next visit I am going to bring one of my wife's scarfs so that I can peacefully drop it during traction... TAKE THAT Mel Gibson!!!!

 

 

"Purrrrrfect Vacation"

When your in your 30's every birthday can be celebrated differently.  Sometimes your happy, in disbelief or sometimes you just decide to grab the bull by the horns.  This adventure recently happened to one of my besties, Vee.  She decided to celebrate her 30 something birthday by taking a trip to the west coast and hanging out with a fun family member.  The surprises she encountered not only will make this trip/birthday epic in her mind but probably change her or make her feelings stronger about dating on the west coast.

Vee just loves flying, so much that usually has a couple of "pops" before climbing aboard the flying death trap and struggling to her seat.  I am not sure but judging from her usual sized purses I doubt they fit under the seat, but maybe the leopard print on the bag helped disguise it from the stewardess predators.  Plane takes off, little switch over in O'Hare (by far the biggest airport I have ever had the luxury of RUNNING THROUGH) and another flight to her destination.  Safe and somewhat sound.

Yes, there is a time change, but when your on vacation you tend to pass on the naps and bolt for the bars.  Vee and her relative, who happens to be gay (CHEERS) takes her out to some amazing bar where he is performing.  Vee and I share a lot of things, one of which is being comfortable alone in an Irish pub with beer.  Vee (only a little over 5 feet tall) climbs onto a stool and samples the local beers.  Yum, she finds one she likes only to turn and see a man, probably our age but looking of death, standing in her personal space.  As he leans in closer to talk he places his hand holding a beer on the bar.  Closer, closer he comes to Vee's face until he says "So, before we exchange names..." 

SMASH he drops his whole fucking beer on the bar pouring everywhere and soaking up napkins, coasters and any chance of a hookup.  I can only imagine how much Vee enjoyed his conversoaktion. I mean if your gonna get a girl wet... this ain't the way tiger!  After poorly attempting to clean up his shit he quickly made an escape, followed by Vee and her Uncle laughing hysterically about how smooth that pick up line had gone!

The next day they were off to a parade, with naked people(check out the dancing boobs) doing everything from riding bicycles to dancing in painted suits, that ended at a huge street fair.

 

Once at the street fair Vee did some shopping and bought amazing west coast shirts before making her way to the bathroom.  The "bathroom"  was actually a huge mess of porta potties with lines as long as how bad you have to use one of these filth traps.  As Vee stands there, holding her bag, waiting she is approached by another male.  This one looks her up and down and then asks "So, is that your bag?"  Vee, who has sooo many patients like animal with rabies, fires back "Yes, what are you security or something?"  I mean, who the fuck else's bag would she be holding.  Two creepy facts about this situation.... #1  DO NOT PICK UP WOMEN IN LINE TO USE PORTA POTTY and #2 DO NOT ASK RITORICAL QUESTIONS THAT YOU THINK IN YOUR HEAD WILL SOUND WITTY/FUNNY BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A STUPID ASSHOLE.  Finally its her turn for the "bathroom"  my question "where the fuck did you put your bag down?????

Next stop a night out on the town in gay bars!!!  I get a snap chat that evening because the bar they end up at is the name of her cat....

And being a lesbian I think a name like Purr is odd for a male dominated club... what about like "Rough" with a picture of a dog or "Humpday" or even something as simple as "Cum one Cum all."  Anyway so she is in the bar having a fabulous time when she again has to use the bathroom.  Now you may not be gay so you don't know that even if a bathroom is marked for a specific sex anyone sex can and will use such bathroom.  Vee enters the "ladies" room, which happens to have some male patrons and a bunch of transsexuals.  She enters her stall and before she can even pull her pants down the knocking on the wall begins..  Knocking on the stall door for gay man is an indication that they would like to have sex with you... NOW in the STALL... if you knock back GAME ON if you don't they just keep knocking.  Vee has no clue WTF is going on but DOES NOT KNOCK BACK.  She continues peeing until the relentless knocker stops knocking and the light kinda changes in her stall?  Looking up from her seated position she sees the transsexual she had passed in the stall next to her, standing on the toilet looking down on her and watching her pee.

 Vee shocked but unmoved just stares back until the transsexual says staring down at her ass "I just wanted to make sure you were a "REAL GIRL" before hopping down and disappearing.  Congrats you are a REAL girl and I could totally tell that from only being able to see your ass and piss filling the toilet?!  We call this an amazing vacation!!!  Hit on by drunk men, dumb men, and men who don't look like men is classic and something to always reflect on!

Sadly the end of her vacation was nearing and so her Uncle was having people over to watch sports.  When company comes over he puts his dog into the bathroom because it is a wild animal to strangers, leaving guests to have to use the neighbors bathroom.  I think we all see the theme developing here Vee, you and bathroom trips DON'T MIX.  Vee excuses herself and walks to the neighbors to pee.  Inside the neighbors she sees weird hooks/apparatus hung in the ceiling.  She wonders what that could possibly be, maybe art?  Pee's and then leaves the bathroom.  It wasn't until she called me to tell me these along with many other ridiculous stories that in between belly laughing I explained that the hooks/apparatus are a sex swing!!!!!!! 

She responded with "huh that makes sense."  I so would have loved to gone on this bday vaca.  But I am glad your home safe and sound, possibly with a VD and gay tendencies but home regardless!!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY VEE!!!  LOVE U AND YOUR TRUELY UNJUDGING MIND!!! I can't wait to spill my next drink on you!

"Going off the precipice"

I know, I know its been ages but here we go!!!

So a couple of weeks ago some friends of ours and us decided to take a weekend overnight in Newport, RI.  Now I had never been but everyone raves about the mansions and shoppes...well I am going to rave about lots of other things!

We got to the hotel early so that we could go see some mansions and hit some pubs and althought it was cloudy it was not raining..yet.  Our friends Gary and Shawn arrived to their suite and found it oh so charming until they entered the bathroom.  You see when you travel to beautiful places sometimes it awakens something so deep inside you that you have to just "mold something" "create" or SHIT!!!  You see the toilet had some... we shall say reminiscence of poo, paper and pee so without hesitation they gave it flush... WHOOOOOSHHHHH  well the doody started floating to the top along with the shit toilet paper piss and god knows what else... next thing you know they are basically on the titanic which instead of filling with salt water is filling with fecal.

Lucky for them maintenance was outside their room and began bailing out their romantic room.  They immediately headed for the bar which is where we met up with them after finding our Suite in perfect condition!

We headed to the mansions first and boy was I surprised to find not only the elegance of the houses but also the fact that they had their toilets covered in wicker to disguise them and ass tub just for rinsing shit!!!!!  AMAZING.... This really was the "Golden Age"  Elle and I posed outside a mansion that had a name that just rang true to so many things "BREAK HER"  (so disgusting, I guess that is why it won me over!)  This picture was taken before we went inside "her"

 We had time to kill since Gary had to run 4 blocks and down to the servants quarters to take a piss... you see the wicker toilets are no joke not for common asses.  When we pulled out of her, it was soaking wet... Raining silly!!   So we headed back to our hotel dropped off the car and hit the pubs!  First up Fastnet Pub.

Ahhh we walk into the smell of Guinness, urine and rugby on T.V.  Home at last!  But as if it couldn't get any better the tables were actually huge barrels with stools so you had to like wrap your legs around them... let me tell you I have been gay a long time so its been awhile since I had something THAT BIG BETWEEN MY LEGS!!!

Now mind you we had just left the mansions... but Gary needed to find the bathroom.  As we ordered our beers he headed to the bathroom (which we all watched) entered and exited seconds later.  As a true gay man he was furious that there was no fucking mirror in there and additionally he had to take a piss but the urinals were touching with no divider (so you can get other peoples splash back SO COOL) and a random fucking toilet out in the open.... I was excited... so its like a prison cell!!!

  Now you have to be ONE HELL OF A CONFIDENT SHITTER to drop a duece in public.  I mean there are people that pay to watch people shit and here you are in a pub with a bathroom the size of matchbook just dropping your drawers and squeezing out a log.... INTENSE.  I was dying to go inside but was afraid of getting thrown out!  After eating we bounced across the road in the pouring rain to a bar with an amazing name  "Pour Judgement."  Everyone was unsure about it but the two 50 something dyke-alikes in the window had me sold!  But they weren't even the best part.... NO it was the actually fucking pirate sitting behind me with a peg fucking leg that took the cake!!!!  He hated life and looking at face like that .... I'm sure life hated him.... but everyone makes mistakes...we will let him slide... We got a table that allowed me to sit directly infront of him to hear all his bitching and hatred (i loved every minute...if only i could have found the courage to kick that peg leg out from under him!!!)

As I stared in amazement we were all overcome by a violent whiff of vomit.. someone had poured their stomach contents out all over the floor and the pissed off pirate was on his way to set them straight... Out the door (don't like getting to dry EVER) we head off.....  We have no umbrella and there is traffic on the cobblestone street so we are all forced to walk on the sidewalk.  As I am walking staring at the ground I hear a woman YELL  "I AM GOING OFF THE PRECIPICE" as the ancient woman flew off the curb into traffic and the cobblestone street STILL HOLDING HER RAINBOW UMBRELLA!   Who the fuck yells that??? A precipice??  Its a curb... not a cliff and were the gay ones arent we suppose to go off the cliff??  Anywho the woman actually circles around and says to us (we are all hysterical)  "Oh, I know precipice isn't the first word that would come to mind, but it was a state of emergency!"  Classic..

Next on our travels we ran into a gaggle of women and Shawn had enough of our bitching about the ran (oh and Gary's suede shoes getting wet) so we were able to "borrow" an umbrella from the women... Oh no keep it they said... joke was on us shit was all busted but the print kept it with us the rest of the night.

DINNER TIME!  What goes with seafood but Oyster Shooters.... I was the only one who had ever had them... I guess its an acquired taste??  Note faces of others taking them

Oh yeah it should be noted that Gary vomited his at the table.  Can't force feed a gay man fish!!!  Our last stop of the night was a small tavern that is haunted.  We got lost in the rain for another 15 minutes after dinner before getting to the shitty tavern.  The tavern is smaller than a bathroom stall and as we sneak past the romantic tables to sit at the bar I start gagging on the smell of ass.... holy fucking shit someone just shit their pants.  It was so bad that tables LEGIT LEFT!!!   It wasn't until the bar was ours alone that Shawn admitted to crop dusting the entire place!  PUKE...    We were all beat and as we started our walk home in the rain Gary started torturing Shawn about a glass he bought at the tavern.... he began running about and climbing bushes and puddles until Shawn shouted that he was "cruisein for a bruisen"  which I haven't heard since my mother said it to me?!  Back a the hotel we left the leopard print umbrella for another couple to enjoy as we had and headed to bed...  As we rode the elevator together it was obvious Gary was feeling GREAT... BING their floor... Doors open to a beautiful marble table with a huge flower arrangement on it.  Gary yells  "OH FLOWERS!!"

And bolts towards them with Shawn yelling "Gary stop it!  They have cameras!!!"  Doors close... well it wasn't until the next morning that we heard how the rest of their night ended.  You see right after the elevator door closed Gary lost his balance and fell to the left smashing into a woman carrying a tray of food which then caused her to get wailed into the plaster wall cracking it!!!!!!!  WHOOPSY DAISY!!!!!!

They'll never notice... After all it wouldn't be an adventure if someone didn't get hurt, shit themselves, vomit or all of the above!   CHEERS NEWPORT!!!  WE'LL BE BACK!!!!!!

AUTO FLUSH FACE

Happy New Years Eve Fools!  This is one of many amazing stories to come from my wife and my holiday adventure in Chicago, IL.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed living it...

Spending the holidays in Chicago was great, getting to eat at one of the most amazing restaurants for Christmas "Joe's Stone Crab" even better.  Reservations were for 6pm on the dot so with three brother in-laws, one sister in-law, Papa T, Elle, me and the parents in a pear tree goes without saying we had to leave early.

We split up into two cars and started our drive into the city.  I had never seen Chicago at night and have to say it is one of the most gorgeous cities, filled with lights, people and my most favorite a building shaped like (of all things) a VAGINA.   Yes, I have arrived!

During the car ride my stomach began to grumble and I assumed it must be hunger pains even though we had only eaten brunch like 4 hours ago?  The heat in the car only intensified that nauseous feeling growing in my gut, but I brushed it off (belching a few times to relieve the pressure)... telling myself oh its probably cause I am squished in the back seat and excited.  We arrived at the restaurant, got shuffled around to coat check and then seated in a massive dining room filled with holiday decor.

We sit down and after sipping our waters and everyone at the table getting "crabs" (I figured I would just shave off all the pubic hair and wear the shampoo for two weeks when I got home to get rid of them) one of my brother in-laws had to excuse himself due to sickness.  As he walked out the door I wondered if he and I had eaten the same thing at brunch, because my stomach was now in shambles too.  With my "hunger pains", I continued on like a brave soldier drinking a mixed drink and getting crabs... HUGE CRABS... until my mouth began to fill with fluid.  NOT GOOD!  I excuse myself and rush to the gorgeous TWO FUCKING STALL BATHROOM and bolted into stall #2.

I could feel the chunks rising in my throat as I took the kneeling position, legs partially sticking out from under the fancy stall door when projectile vomit, accompanied by loud gags/heaves and that fucking bizarre OOHHH sound exited my body.

 
It was then that I noticed ALL the lady chatter by the mirror near the door had ceased.  Most likely to stare at my dope ass kicks poking out from under the stall door and to listen to the amazing sounds of a wild animal escaping my body... it was then that I saw something that would make this experience even more special...

THE AUTO FLUSH!!!!!!!!  FUCK MY LIFE..... I braced my self, both hands curled around the public restroom toilet seat, toilet paper seat cover protecting my fancy sweater, sweat on my brow, the toilet began to rumble.  FLUSHHHHHH!!!!  Perfectly timed with my next heave.  Face now buried in foreign toilet, vomit spewing out of my body at the speed of light and public toilet water washing my face as though it was an asshole perched on a bidet.

 I rested my soaking wet face on my arm on the toilet seat to catch my breath while the toilet water dripped off my face.  Moments later it was over.  I was fine again.  I removed my seat cover bib, threw it in the toilet and watched, this time from a distance as the auto flush sucked away the last traces of my stomach lining.  It was time to return to the table.  The bathroom was silent as I tore off pieces toilet paper to dry my face and thinking it might be empty I exited my stall.  WELL IT WASN'T EMPTY... as a matter of fact it was fucking chock full of damsels in distress over my experience.  Not one word was spoken as I stood outside of the stall looking at them as they stared at me, some with mouths open.  Time to make my BIG EXIT....  I took the balled up piece of toilet paper in my fist and opened it up calmly.... paused.... made eye contact with the ladies and slowly wiped the remaining drops of toilet water from the corners of my mouth as if I had just finished a delicious meal.

 It was like the seas were parting for Moses as I made my way to the sink to wash my hands.  After washing up, I fixed my hair in the mirror turned to get paper towels.  After drying my hands BUT before leaving the bathroom I was sure to give a wink to the woman by the door.  I returned to the table giggling to myself and enjoyed the rest of the meal... knowing this would be a perfect story for the ride home!   CHEERS!!!!!!  I expect to see you all out tonight with that "so you got wasted" face on with a story for tomorrow!!  KCCO!!!!   HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!