It was imperative that those of us heading to the show EAT SOMETHING.... ANYTHING... my wife chose for me after I had stepped out for a moment a burger of sorts. Now back in the day at this pub all you could order was a plate that literally had slices of cheese, a sleeve a Ritz crackers and some slivers of onions to wash those down, probably another reason I loved this spot!
But now they had burgers. I found my seat and looked at the burger... it appeared normal so I began to eat. One bite, two bites, three bites FIRE!!!!! My entire mouth was melting from the heat coming from what appeared to be your standard burger?? What the fuck was happening to me?? I guzzled down an entire beer and then as any champion, I pushed the burger away from me through my tearing eyes as snot ran down my face to my lips.
Elle shook her head and told me that I had to eat if I was going to make the show?! I told her that the burger was making me sweat like a whore in church it was so hot and she calmly shook her head and pushed the burger back to me. FUCK ME... I continued forcing down this burger which its heat could be compared to eating a fur burger leaking fluids from chlamydia, herpes or any other STDs that might make ones mouth BURN BURN BURN!!! While leaking bodily fluids, yes that's right my body was like a fucking open dam after a rain storm leaking filthy fluids from EVERY ORIFACE!!!!! Finally done, partially blind, dehydrated and sweating we leave the bar. On our walk back to our hotel to "freshen" up Joel asked me why the fuck I looked like a drowned rat and I tried explaining the burger to him... he shook his head and said he had a burger that was fine along with another friend Mammoth who agreed her burger was delicious?!? That's when my wife dropped the bombshell, while I had stepped outside with Mammoth for her to have a cigarette, Elle had saturated my burger in the mayo that was on the table..... Everyone stopped walking... Joel then explained that the white shit on the table WAS NOT MAYO it was fucking HORSERADDISH the hottest thing he had ever put in his mouth, besides bad decisions in college. We laughed the rest of the walk as my sweater slowly started to dry in the center of my back and armpits. The night must go on!!!!! After a quick stop at the hotel we all met outside and hopped in a Taxi headed to my wife's favorite show...
Two blocks into the ride Joel yells to stop the cab...why you ask? Oh I don't know possibly because my wife was NOT IN THE FUCKING CAB??? We all exited the cab and ran the two blocks back to the hotel (not so fresh anymore) found her and hopped in the second cab! The show was great but still sweating and sticking my seat Elle and I decided to abandon ship and leave... Elle decided since we were in the last row, and she is tall it would be best for her to climb over the seat instead of interrupting the rest of the row. As my tall lady stood on her FOLDING SEAT the chair folded up causing her to smash her vagina on the back of the chair putting a pause to our escape... she recovered, slowly, thanked the chair for a good time and we exited the theater to our "private show." Joel and Mammoth stayed and he later received a text from Peg...a friend from work who had a serious crush on him.
((It should be noted that Peg has removable legs, huge boobs and stands tall at 4'11''. It is also important to know that she had told my office a story about her week visit home where she found out that her mother had HERPES in her eye and was forced to wear an eye patch at the same time her grandfather was admitted to the hospital with the diabetes to have a foot removed?! SHOCKED & LOVING her story the words just poured out of my mouth.... I was like Peg what are you from a fucking family of pirates? Your legs, your mom's eye patch and fucking grandfather's foot amputated??? I asked what ship they owned, how much "booty" they had and if her grandfather's foot had smelled of almonds prior to the amputation because I had heard that somewhere....when I finished this conversation the office was in horror as Peg laughed and answered each and every question!!!! No Booty, Did not smell the foot but will in the future and mom loves the eye patch.))
Peg told Joel and friends to meet her and her friend at the bar next door... Appropriately named 3 monkeys.
Joel and Elle woke me up way early cause they were starving and he wanted to rest on our mattress for a few before we began our adventure back to New Haven. We all washed our faces guzzled some Gatorade and off we went...STARVING!!!! We must have drove around the same 3 blocks 10 times in the city till we saw something that looked like a diner... As we pulled up Joel read the window of the restaurant that was partially blocked out loud. It had a circle logo and from the portion of the window we could see he read "FOOD & (blocked) RUGS" Joel was like WTF does that place serve food and drugs?? Then he goes on to fake order food asking for "the C&C platter, you know Calamari and Crack platter." On that note we exited the city and got on the highway putting Elle in charge of finding a diner close by. She found one!! So excited she told us it was in Stamford and the picture on her phone looked great SHE SAID. We got off the exit into a "special" part of Stamford and followed her directions to this luxury diner only to pull up and find 30 card board boxes inside the front doors, parking at a carwash, lights off looking abandoned and to our surprise people inside.....
The workers face never changed as she slowly and condescendingly said "I AM BAGGING THEM FOR YOU." Woman turns bright red..oh oh... blah blah get the fuck out of line. Meanwhile the children are yelling at Consuela their orders...the woman didn't have a chance. Finally it was our turn to order, got our food and found a table in the blaring sun in the back near the bathrooms. I ate half my bagel when my stomach started..... OH CHRIST.... I excused myself to the bathroom only to find that the women's room is locked with those fucking cookie kids screaming about inside.... NO TIME!!!! I rush into the nasty men's room, with piss all over the toilet seat and floor in front and barely get my pants off as a fart escapes... Not just any fart...this fart was basically a pipe bomb with shit shrapnel.
My ass exploded into the bowl!!!!! The noise was so loud I was sure the restaurant was wondering what had happened in the kitchen, three more explosions and I was empty, sweating, sitting in strange man's piss, red faced and out of breath.... I turn to my right for toilet paper to try and clean up this horrific mess, only to find myself staring at one...that's right ONE FUCKING SHEET OF TOILET PAPER...
Until next time.....spare a square and bring good friends!!!!!
