Dive In.... Part I

I know its been ages....  but I am back with amazing, filthy honest tales of horror.  BUT I must pace myself.  I can't just be "that guy" with the premature ejaculation from all the excitement.  Must go slow and enjoy every adventure... make it last, like "whiskey dick or whiskey clit."  SO with the poor excuses for not writing LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!

After a brief discussion at work with my partner Joel and our other "partner in crime" Thyme, we decided to take an overnight adventure to NYC to visit as many dive bars as possible.  The adventure would start early with me driving, and I fucking hate mornings almost as much as that time in high school when I thought it would be fun to "try it in the butt."  OFF WE GO!!!!!

Thyme lives in New York so my wife, Elle, and I only had to pick up Joel and hop on the interstate.  We made it about 3 exits until everyone needed food.  We stopped at the standard service plaza that had like 5 restaurants if you will, so we all split up.   I wait in line and get up to the counter where a younger girl (hair aqua netted to her forehead, heavy makeup at 10am, earrings that screamed CLAIRE'S and my favorite fake eyelashes that were falling off) was working, and I swear to Christ it must be my haircut or my face that people just tell me random shit?!  As she cashes me out she tells me, with half a fake eyelash blocking her vision, that her friend just got busted for banging a younger chick...

As I breathed in her smoky breath, shaking my head to fake my disgust, she handed me my change, and two things happened... I said politely to her "yeah, guess you gotta check IDs before for you fuck them, or at LEAST PULL OUT." and she was like "TOTALLY."  I'm sure the other customers enjoyed our dialogue.

As I thanked her, I hear Joel and my wife arguing/laughing, and Joel is walking fast to get away from my wife who is carrying two small plastic cups and laughing?  WTF is this???  Well Joel explains to me as Elle is furiously drinking some weird liquid that those were samples of McDonalds shamrock shakes that had been out UNREFRIDGERATED since last night!!!!!  I look at Elle and she said they taste good, a little warmer then I like but....  Great now we have to drive an hour with my wife who just drank two milk based products and already has stomach issues.  We laughed and trucked back to the car.

We finally make it to the lower east side.  I became aware of this because as someone crossed behind my car, he punched it?  Ahhhh home!!!  So we get to our hotel and drop off our bags since it is too early to check in.  I head down the stairs to use the ATM while Joel heads to the bathroom.
The scene at the bottom of those stairs was something out of a movie....I stare at the ATM, which has what appears to be a dead man laid out on the floor directly in front of it as Joel struggles with the door that requires your room key to enter... where the fuck are we staying????

So I carefully step over the man and use the ATM all the while looking over at Joel who is now being attacked by a woman who is yelling at him "YOU LET ME IN!!!" as Joel tries to explain we are not checked in and you need a hotel key... that woman was a honey badger - she didn't give a shit.  She just got louder and started shaking the door handle as Joel slowly backed away only to see me in my situation using the ATM!  Both of our faces lit up, his especially because I was standing in a split barely able to reach the buttons and couldn't move.  Finally I got my cash and he and I bolted up the stairs back to my wife.  Now we need a drink.... I call Thyme and she is 10 minutes away but gives us the address to one of her favorite dives in Alphabet City Manhattan.  As we climbed in the taxi and pulled up to our location we were finally there... the king and two queens at Double Down are here!
The outside did not let us down!!!  We came for filth and by golly we got it!!!!

We all stood outside amped to be here and finally entered.....  The second you walk inside you are struck with a strong odor and realize that all seats except for the bar are broken old diner booths or couches that were at one time covered in felt but so much oil, booze, semen, discharge and feces had now removed the felt leaving a nasty half balding futon?  The walls were painted, and there was midget porn on all four televisions.


The specials of the day were shots of "Ass Juice" and "Leprechaun Piss" but best of all PBR is on tap and its not even 1pm!!!!!  Happy hour is from noon till 8pm with all drinks (including Jameson) buy one get one!  HEAVEN!

Thyme arrived soon after and we all quickly got a round of PBR and Ass Juice Shots

Ahhh the good Times NY!!  I forced Thyme to do a shot of Leprechaun Piss with me when she got her beer to thank her for what so far could only be an epic day!  

The three filthy fucking musketeers back at it!  Sitting on shitty felt less couch PUKE

After telling small adventure we each had been on and drinking several rounds, I mean it is two for one and there is NOTHING IN THIS WORLD AS GOOD AS ASS juice.  We eventually had to individually take trips to the bathroom at this circus of a bar.  First my wife who ended up walking in circles because the doors to the bathroom basically are hidden rooms.  After walking in circles a few times someone was nice enough to direct her and then immediately shoot out a snot rocket.  Elle returned as refreshed as one can from a bathroom that doesn't have working sinks and chugged her beer.  Joel and a friend were next to attempt to locate the bathroom and after several minutes with them not returning and having to pee myself, I went in search of the bathroom....  I turned the corner by the pool table (also missing felt) and found fools with condoms and bathrooms that were a TRUE FUCKING EXPERIENCE.

 Once inside the bathroom, I tried to soak up as much piss on the seat as possible as my shoestrings and one pant leg did the job from the fucking latrine floor.  I exited after wiping my vagina with my bare hand and no working sink to join my friends back at the couches.  It was then that I saw it......poking out from the nasty, felt lacking, crevasse of a couch/futon was just the tip of a purple comb... To my DISBELIEF I watched as Thyme pulled it out of the crevasse... I frantically screamed "what the hell are you gonna do with that????"  She chuckled and calmly answered, comb my hair of course silly.  WTF IS GOING ON???  I mean I am pretty fucking hard core but this beotch is goddamn Lord of the risk takers!!!!"  After a quick comb a roosky she slipped the fucking lice/crab infected comb into her back pocket.... for later?????  WHOA!!!!!! 

 

After that experience my eyes were drying up and we needed to move along to the next dive before hitting our favorite bar.  The next bar was also a two for one that gave you mini dinosaurs to redeem your drinks!  This is where I met my new beer friend PORK SLAP!

 Next up we drove to McSorely's... a friend of mine who also lives in NY drives a car that is as it says on the mirror "Objects are larger than may appear."  We arrive, sort of... there is a spot if you will the size of a mini cooper and my friend is all I can totally fit there!!!  At this point the car is packed with people and she begins our mission of parallel parking.  First we hit the car behind us, then in front, then behind, then in front, then behind, you get the picture after the 5th hit Joel is like I gotta get outta this car!!!  But the car fit to all our surprise.....very tight like a virgin's vagina :)

Laughing we all stumble inside the oldest Irish Pub in NYC.... Joel who had never been and was the virgin to this joint quickly inquired about the saw dust on the floor... "What the hell is this shit? Why?"  I laughed and quickly pointed to a pile of vomit covered with saw dust pushed into the corner of the bar....

 Genius he says as we make our way to a table for some lights and darks and cheese and onions.  Ahh the adventure is only heating up... but I will have to pause there and leave the part of meeting up with "Peg" the girl whose legs fall off and the drug restaurant/ $$ for part II  of this great trip!
Missed you fuckers, next blog coming ASAP!!!!!
STAY TUNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   KCCO!!!!