Dive In Part II

So after a day's worth of drinking at all the best dive spots Alphabet City had to offer, we all survived the parking fun and made it to the last pub before a few of us were heading to the Cabaret, which happens to be my wife's favorite Broadway show.

It was imperative that those of us heading to the show EAT SOMETHING.... ANYTHING... my wife chose for me after I had stepped out for a moment a burger of sorts.  Now back in the day at this pub all you could order was a plate that literally had slices of cheese, a sleeve a Ritz crackers and some slivers of onions to wash those down, probably another reason I loved this spot!

But now they had burgers.  I found my seat and looked at the burger... it appeared normal so I began to eat.  One bite, two bites, three bites FIRE!!!!!   My entire mouth was melting from the heat coming from what appeared to be your standard burger?? What the fuck was happening to me??   I guzzled down an entire beer and then as any champion, I pushed the burger away from me through my tearing eyes as snot ran down my face to my lips.

Elle shook her head and told me that I had to eat if I was going to make the show?!  I told her that the burger was making me sweat like a whore in church it was so hot and she calmly shook her head and pushed the burger back to me.  FUCK ME...  I continued forcing down this burger which its heat could be compared to eating a fur burger leaking fluids from chlamydia, herpes or any other STDs that might make ones mouth BURN BURN BURN!!! While leaking bodily fluids, yes that's right my body was like a fucking open dam after a rain storm leaking filthy fluids from EVERY ORIFACE!!!!!  Finally done, partially blind, dehydrated and sweating we leave the bar.  On our walk back to our hotel to "freshen" up Joel asked me why the fuck I looked like a drowned rat and I tried explaining the burger to him... he shook his head and said he had a burger that was fine along with another friend Mammoth who agreed her burger was delicious?!?  That's when my wife dropped the bombshell, while I had stepped outside with Mammoth for her to have a cigarette, Elle had saturated my burger in the mayo that was on the table.....  Everyone stopped walking...  Joel then explained that the white shit on the table WAS NOT MAYO it was fucking HORSERADDISH the hottest thing he had ever put in his mouth, besides bad decisions in college.  We laughed the rest of the walk as my sweater slowly started to dry in the center of my back and armpits.  The night must go on!!!!!  After a quick stop at the hotel we all met outside and hopped in a Taxi headed to my wife's favorite show...

Two blocks into the ride Joel yells to stop the cab...why you ask?  Oh I don't know possibly because my wife was NOT IN THE FUCKING CAB???  We all exited the cab and ran the two blocks back to the hotel (not so fresh anymore) found her and hopped in the second cab!  The show was great but still sweating and sticking my seat Elle and I decided to abandon ship and leave... Elle decided since we were in the last row, and she is tall it would be best for her to climb over the seat instead of interrupting the rest of the row.   As my tall lady stood on her FOLDING SEAT the chair folded up causing her to smash her vagina on the back of the chair putting a pause to our escape... she recovered, slowly, thanked the chair for a good time and we exited the theater to our "private show."  Joel and Mammoth stayed and he later received a text from Peg...a friend from work who had a serious crush on him.

((It should be noted that Peg has removable legs, huge boobs and stands tall at 4'11''.  It is also important to know that she had told my office a story about her week visit home where she found out that her mother had HERPES in her eye and was forced to wear an eye patch at the same time her grandfather was admitted to the hospital with the diabetes to have a foot removed?!   SHOCKED & LOVING her story the words just poured out of my mouth.... I was like Peg what are you from a fucking family of pirates?  Your legs, your mom's eye patch and fucking grandfather's foot amputated???  I asked what ship they owned, how much "booty" they had and if her grandfather's foot had smelled of almonds prior to the amputation because I had heard that somewhere....when I finished this conversation the office was in horror as Peg laughed and answered each and every question!!!!  No Booty, Did not smell the foot but will in the future and mom loves the eye patch.))

Peg told Joel and friends to meet her and her friend at the bar next door... Appropriately named 3 monkeys.

Joel and friends walk in and quickly located Peg because she had brought along her friend.... a monkey.  After several drinks, Joel was tipsy and wanted to head back to the hotel to pass out on his box spring.  (side note Joel had bragged how his room had been $20 less than ours only to find that this meant NO MATTRESS!!!  Teeee Heeee).  Peg and her friend came with to use the bathroom at the hotel to drop some "heat" before heading home.  I guess once you see a hotel room with no mattress taking a shit before you leave as a female with a crush on the guy seems appropriate?! 

Joel and Elle woke me up way early cause they were starving and he wanted to rest on our mattress for a few before we began our adventure back to New Haven.  We all washed our faces guzzled some Gatorade and off we went...STARVING!!!!  We must have drove around the same 3 blocks 10 times in the city till we saw something that looked like a diner...  As we pulled up Joel read the window of the restaurant that was partially blocked out loud.  It had a circle logo and from the portion of the window we could see he read "FOOD & (blocked) RUGS"  Joel was like WTF does that place serve food and drugs??  Then he goes on to fake order food asking for "the C&C platter, you know Calamari and Crack platter."  On that note we exited the city and got on the highway putting Elle in charge of finding a diner close by.  She found one!!  So excited she told us it was in Stamford and the picture on her phone looked great SHE SAID.  We got off the exit into a "special" part of Stamford and followed her directions to this luxury diner only to pull up and find 30 card board boxes inside the front doors, parking at a carwash, lights off  looking abandoned and to our surprise people inside.....

As we stared at this horror show Joel stuck his head between the front seats and said "Um, guys I'm willing to go up a $ sign not to get stabbed on the way out."  Good point!!  We left and few short miles away we found a Panera in the ritzy section of Darien, CT.

We walked in and stood behind two customers.  The first lady at the counter had three obnoxious kids yelling about fucking flower cookies through the dessert glass, followed by a nanny with two of her own problem children (poor woman only spoke Spanish) the brats could order whatever they wanted.  Now when you're talking about a town with this kind of  affluent people don't you find it fucking ridiculous that we had to wait 20 minutes while the first lady paid for each child separately so she could use a goddamn coupon and then started screaming as another worker started bagging up the flower cookies because "I WAS HERE FIRST!!!! THOSE ARE MY COOKIES!!! THE TWO PINK AND ONE YELLOW!!!!"

The workers face never changed as she slowly and condescendingly said "I AM BAGGING THEM FOR YOU."  Woman turns bright red..oh oh... blah blah get the fuck out of line.  Meanwhile the children are yelling at Consuela their orders...the woman didn't have a chance.  Finally it was our turn to order, got our food and found a table in the blaring sun in the back near the bathrooms.  I ate half my bagel when my stomach started..... OH CHRIST.... I excused myself to the bathroom only to find that the women's room is locked with those fucking cookie kids screaming about inside.... NO TIME!!!!   I rush into the nasty men's room, with piss all over the toilet seat and floor in front and barely get my pants off as a fart escapes... Not just any fart...this fart was basically a pipe bomb with shit shrapnel.

My ass exploded into the bowl!!!!!  The noise was so loud I was sure the restaurant was wondering what had happened in the kitchen, three more explosions and I was empty, sweating, sitting in strange man's piss, red faced and out of breath....  I turn to my right for toilet paper to try and clean up this horrific mess, only to find myself staring at one...that's right ONE FUCKING SHEET OF TOILET PAPER...

FUCK MY LIFE....  I used the sheet to try and make the toilet look presentable, with my pants still down around my ankles giving it flush after flush to erase any trace of the skid mark massacre that had just happened... Next my ass.... I shuffled over to the only other option I had as someone was now attempting to open the door and I have to say "full house" hoping they will just die or go away as I place my ass in the sink and begin to shush water on it to remove the tar like feces that are everywhere.  Lucky none got on the mirror.  Then I look notice that this bathroom only comes with a hand dryer perfection..... I scoot over to that put it on full blast split my cheeks and let the hot air do its magic.

Finally dry with a piping hot ass I exit the bathroom... coast is clear... I then enter the now empty ladies room to scrub the shit out of my hands before returning to the table.  Joel and Elle are done eating and can tell by my beat red sweating face something EPIC just occurred.  I continued eating my bagel warning them not to use either bathroom until I finished eating.  As Elle sipped her Coke and Joel stared at me I told them about the attack of the men's room in our $$$ diner all while surrounded by nanny's in Panera.   We laughed all the way to the car and as we started driving... it wasn't until Milford, CT that Joel's belly started a war with his anus..... Bare down my friend you got 10 exits to go and my car has cloth seats!!!! 

Until next time.....spare a square and bring good friends!!!!!  

Dive In.... Part I

I know its been ages....  but I am back with amazing, filthy honest tales of horror.  BUT I must pace myself.  I can't just be "that guy" with the premature ejaculation from all the excitement.  Must go slow and enjoy every adventure... make it last, like "whiskey dick or whiskey clit."  SO with the poor excuses for not writing LET'S GET IT ON!!!!!!!!!

After a brief discussion at work with my partner Joel and our other "partner in crime" Thyme, we decided to take an overnight adventure to NYC to visit as many dive bars as possible.  The adventure would start early with me driving, and I fucking hate mornings almost as much as that time in high school when I thought it would be fun to "try it in the butt."  OFF WE GO!!!!!

Thyme lives in New York so my wife, Elle, and I only had to pick up Joel and hop on the interstate.  We made it about 3 exits until everyone needed food.  We stopped at the standard service plaza that had like 5 restaurants if you will, so we all split up.   I wait in line and get up to the counter where a younger girl (hair aqua netted to her forehead, heavy makeup at 10am, earrings that screamed CLAIRE'S and my favorite fake eyelashes that were falling off) was working, and I swear to Christ it must be my haircut or my face that people just tell me random shit?!  As she cashes me out she tells me, with half a fake eyelash blocking her vision, that her friend just got busted for banging a younger chick...

As I breathed in her smoky breath, shaking my head to fake my disgust, she handed me my change, and two things happened... I said politely to her "yeah, guess you gotta check IDs before for you fuck them, or at LEAST PULL OUT." and she was like "TOTALLY."  I'm sure the other customers enjoyed our dialogue.

As I thanked her, I hear Joel and my wife arguing/laughing, and Joel is walking fast to get away from my wife who is carrying two small plastic cups and laughing?  WTF is this???  Well Joel explains to me as Elle is furiously drinking some weird liquid that those were samples of McDonalds shamrock shakes that had been out UNREFRIDGERATED since last night!!!!!  I look at Elle and she said they taste good, a little warmer then I like but....  Great now we have to drive an hour with my wife who just drank two milk based products and already has stomach issues.  We laughed and trucked back to the car.

We finally make it to the lower east side.  I became aware of this because as someone crossed behind my car, he punched it?  Ahhhh home!!!  So we get to our hotel and drop off our bags since it is too early to check in.  I head down the stairs to use the ATM while Joel heads to the bathroom.
The scene at the bottom of those stairs was something out of a movie....I stare at the ATM, which has what appears to be a dead man laid out on the floor directly in front of it as Joel struggles with the door that requires your room key to enter... where the fuck are we staying????

So I carefully step over the man and use the ATM all the while looking over at Joel who is now being attacked by a woman who is yelling at him "YOU LET ME IN!!!" as Joel tries to explain we are not checked in and you need a hotel key... that woman was a honey badger - she didn't give a shit.  She just got louder and started shaking the door handle as Joel slowly backed away only to see me in my situation using the ATM!  Both of our faces lit up, his especially because I was standing in a split barely able to reach the buttons and couldn't move.  Finally I got my cash and he and I bolted up the stairs back to my wife.  Now we need a drink.... I call Thyme and she is 10 minutes away but gives us the address to one of her favorite dives in Alphabet City Manhattan.  As we climbed in the taxi and pulled up to our location we were finally there... the king and two queens at Double Down are here!
The outside did not let us down!!!  We came for filth and by golly we got it!!!!

We all stood outside amped to be here and finally entered.....  The second you walk inside you are struck with a strong odor and realize that all seats except for the bar are broken old diner booths or couches that were at one time covered in felt but so much oil, booze, semen, discharge and feces had now removed the felt leaving a nasty half balding futon?  The walls were painted, and there was midget porn on all four televisions.


The specials of the day were shots of "Ass Juice" and "Leprechaun Piss" but best of all PBR is on tap and its not even 1pm!!!!!  Happy hour is from noon till 8pm with all drinks (including Jameson) buy one get one!  HEAVEN!

Thyme arrived soon after and we all quickly got a round of PBR and Ass Juice Shots

Ahhh the good Times NY!!  I forced Thyme to do a shot of Leprechaun Piss with me when she got her beer to thank her for what so far could only be an epic day!  

The three filthy fucking musketeers back at it!  Sitting on shitty felt less couch PUKE

After telling small adventure we each had been on and drinking several rounds, I mean it is two for one and there is NOTHING IN THIS WORLD AS GOOD AS ASS juice.  We eventually had to individually take trips to the bathroom at this circus of a bar.  First my wife who ended up walking in circles because the doors to the bathroom basically are hidden rooms.  After walking in circles a few times someone was nice enough to direct her and then immediately shoot out a snot rocket.  Elle returned as refreshed as one can from a bathroom that doesn't have working sinks and chugged her beer.  Joel and a friend were next to attempt to locate the bathroom and after several minutes with them not returning and having to pee myself, I went in search of the bathroom....  I turned the corner by the pool table (also missing felt) and found fools with condoms and bathrooms that were a TRUE FUCKING EXPERIENCE.

 Once inside the bathroom, I tried to soak up as much piss on the seat as possible as my shoestrings and one pant leg did the job from the fucking latrine floor.  I exited after wiping my vagina with my bare hand and no working sink to join my friends back at the couches.  It was then that I saw it......poking out from the nasty, felt lacking, crevasse of a couch/futon was just the tip of a purple comb... To my DISBELIEF I watched as Thyme pulled it out of the crevasse... I frantically screamed "what the hell are you gonna do with that????"  She chuckled and calmly answered, comb my hair of course silly.  WTF IS GOING ON???  I mean I am pretty fucking hard core but this beotch is goddamn Lord of the risk takers!!!!"  After a quick comb a roosky she slipped the fucking lice/crab infected comb into her back pocket.... for later?????  WHOA!!!!!! 

 

After that experience my eyes were drying up and we needed to move along to the next dive before hitting our favorite bar.  The next bar was also a two for one that gave you mini dinosaurs to redeem your drinks!  This is where I met my new beer friend PORK SLAP!

 Next up we drove to McSorely's... a friend of mine who also lives in NY drives a car that is as it says on the mirror "Objects are larger than may appear."  We arrive, sort of... there is a spot if you will the size of a mini cooper and my friend is all I can totally fit there!!!  At this point the car is packed with people and she begins our mission of parallel parking.  First we hit the car behind us, then in front, then behind, then in front, then behind, you get the picture after the 5th hit Joel is like I gotta get outta this car!!!  But the car fit to all our surprise.....very tight like a virgin's vagina :)

Laughing we all stumble inside the oldest Irish Pub in NYC.... Joel who had never been and was the virgin to this joint quickly inquired about the saw dust on the floor... "What the hell is this shit? Why?"  I laughed and quickly pointed to a pile of vomit covered with saw dust pushed into the corner of the bar....

 Genius he says as we make our way to a table for some lights and darks and cheese and onions.  Ahh the adventure is only heating up... but I will have to pause there and leave the part of meeting up with "Peg" the girl whose legs fall off and the drug restaurant/ $$ for part II  of this great trip!
Missed you fuckers, next blog coming ASAP!!!!!
STAY TUNED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   KCCO!!!!