Bottoms Out

November 14th will always be a tough day for me - it would have been my father's birthday.  However instead of spending my time crying at a cemetery or drinking there (who knew that was frowned upon?!) I decide to celebrate his birthday; and I am pretty sure he was smiling down on how epic this one was!!!

I spoke to some close friends and invited them out to celebrate with me.  We decided to hit all the local Irish pubs in New Haven along with my Dad's favorite haunts, with one rule... we all had to drink his beer of choice from my childhood....

That's right bitches, The Champagne of Beers!!!  Well after getting quite the buzz on and adding more people to our amazing group, esp. my friends who have also lost a parent.  Its a small group of us which we have labeled "The Half Orphan Club."  Being a member of this club gives you the right to get absolutely shit faced on two dates birthday of deceased and date of death, however if you're one of the presidents of this club (aka L.U.S.H.) like my self you obtain free passes... like father's day and any other event where that parent should have been there promotions, birthdays, holidays etc...  Simple fee to enter just one of the most tragic loses of your life, no biggie?!!

We then head to one of my favorite bars closer to home.  Its epic in its self for many reasons (but you will have to come to my comedy routine there on December 7th, 2014 to find out why) all which be exposed over time.

The Old Dublin

 

Upon arrival, from what I remember some of my best, oldest, and bizarre friends were waiting.  After having some drinks and blacking out I figured NOW is a good time to go home *take note it was 9pm* now that's a real trooper!  My wife Elle and one of my friends, Lando, agree to drive me home.  We climb into Elle's car and what should have been a 5 min ride took 20 because they kept asking the drunk girl for directions?!  I could have shit my pants at this point and just thought the seat warmer was on, why the fuck would you ask me anything???  Once home Lando helps me to bed and I lay down....FULLY FUCKING CLOTHED, similar to the "hottie" below:

Elle struggles to try and remove my clothes before Lando steps in and throws the comforter over me (like I am a fucking corpse) and tells her "she's fine, just blame me."  Out the door those two go to continue the night, my night as I slept with our cat's asshole near my face and a dog who kept farting audibly. 

Once back at the Dublin two more of Elle's friends met up "Alice" and "Peggy."  Lando is busy talking to Nina a friend of ours from the Dub and Alice.  Elle described it as watching a tug of dick war, which she thoroughly enjoyed while drinking her beer.  Nina, who lives upstairs, figures fuck it and gives Lando her number and exits.  Alice begins chatting it up with Lando who is still intrigued that a woman lives upstairs from the bar.  Peggy gets anxious as she wants to dance, I mean after all she is wearing some serious black spandex leggings and a spandex top to boot!

Well the only bar that fit everyone's criteria that Elle could think of was this weird place we have only been two 2x "Rick's." Rick's used to be a house or some shit with all these weird rooms, but the weirdest part of this bar is it is packed with extremely young (21yrs) to older (55yrs) ages.  And the company is all mixed the fuck up so you just have to go with it.  *Quick side note last time we were there I saw a girl getting fingered by a 70yr old guy on the outside patio under her skirt.  I was like holy fuck and turned to the dude next to me who seemed about my age and said are you seeing this shit...he sipped his beer and whispered back "yeah, that's my wife" and smiled all filthy like at me.*

So Lando, Peggy, Alice and Elle arrive at Rick's only to be stopped the door by three guys standing outside in 14 degree weather in t-shirts asking for ID's.

So they each handed over their ID's and the "Bro's" each giggled and smoked their ciggy's until Lando realized these were just douche bags in t-shirts pretending to be bouncers?!  Wow, what a great idea, lets stand outside in the freezing cold in the front of a bar with hard nipples in children's shirts and play pretend and after that we will go home with one of our bouncer buddies and continue playing pretend as they blow each other but don't worry cause "it's only GAY if the balls touch."  Once inside Alice, Lando and Peggy immediately surveyed the odd customers.... truckers, sluts, 80s chicks, mullets you name it and its there!!!!

Elle and Peggy wanted to dance (who wouldn't in a cat suit!!!)  Lando and Alice took seats at the bar to chat.  While seated at the bar chatting Lando noticed the band was extremely older looking, maybe it was the lights, maybe it was the booze or maybe it was the cane one was using to stand upright? 

Lando's concentration was broken by the guy standing behind him, who was now leaning on his back.. he gave a little nudge and it stopped for all of 4 seconds and boom back to back dancing with this guy.

Lando politely moved positions only to start getting tapped on the shoulder by some other guy?!  He then went to the bathroom, which of course in this creepy fucking bar is upstairs, maybe this was a funeral home??  He gets to the men's room only to find the door being held open by a concerned girl watching this guy pissing?!

 Lando excuses himself past her grasp as she screams "He's drunk I have to watch him!!" Calmly he tells her "I got him" and slams the door in her face. 

Afterward he returns to the bar and Alice... Peggy and Elle are still dancing and the band is really good. Playing music from all over 70s, 80s, 90s, thru present. Lando looks around the crowd and was like "well at least someone here was alive when these were all hits?"  As the bar starts letting out they decide to come back to our house.  Drinks continue until Elle notices that Lando and Alice are making out on our couch next to Peggy...Elle's only concern is that my fathers quilt is also on that couch and does not want ANYTHING to get on it.

 

As Lando (who is secretly sick with a cold tee hee) and Alice continue to slop around tongues Elle decides that she is going to show Peggy the tree house. Great idea when your 4 sheets to the wind to climb a ladder that is suspended in the air!!! LOL if only I had been awake!!!

After freezing for a few minutes they come back inside never knowing the conversation that had taken place during the hot heavy make out session.  While in the middle of making out (literally bodily fluids exchanged, sweaty upper lips, hot breath) Lando abruptly stops the kissing and wants to ask Alice a serious question.  Shocked Alice is like ok...  and then he fucking pulls this one out of his hat "Do you give blow jobs?"  Alice looks left, right back at Lando and states the obvious..... "OF COURSE!!!!"  Back to making out!!!!!  When Elle and Peggy return Alice tells them that she is going to take Lando back to his car and they leave....Elle inspects blanket ALL GOOD!  She and Peggy continue drinking at the house.  Peggy is getting all biggigity about not getting ass and in her rant drops a beer and the bottle shatters into pieces.....

 

Now she is upset because our dog, has no eyes.  Literally had to have her eyeballs removed so she can't see shit!  Peggy is going crazy trying to clean everything up terrified that the dog will walk on the glass!!!!!  She keeps getting up, getting paper towels, bending down... (I did mention she was in a cat suit right?) well as Elle attempts to try and help her, she bends down directly in front of Elle tearing the ASS OUT OF HER TIGHTS, LITERALLY!!!!!!   Similar to this:

No fucking way this is happening and I am passed out one room away!!  Not only did poor Peggy's pants tear wide the fuck open on her ass, she had decided that she was not going to wear any underwear for tonight's shenanigans so it was all cheek and all crack!!!!!!!!  In between hysterical laughter Elle tried to offer her some sweatpants but she was like "FUCK IT, I DON'T GIVE A SHIT!"  LMFAO!!!!! As Alice returns and they both head out, only I am sure the ride home was much colder for Peggy unless she sat in some warm gooey white stuff on the passenger seat to stay warm.... we will know in 9 months!!!!!
BOTTOMS UP!!!!!!!!!

 Happy Birthday Dad, I know you would have loved this night! I miss you and love you.