"Purrrrrfect Vacation"

When your in your 30's every birthday can be celebrated differently.  Sometimes your happy, in disbelief or sometimes you just decide to grab the bull by the horns.  This adventure recently happened to one of my besties, Vee.  She decided to celebrate her 30 something birthday by taking a trip to the west coast and hanging out with a fun family member.  The surprises she encountered not only will make this trip/birthday epic in her mind but probably change her or make her feelings stronger about dating on the west coast.

Vee just loves flying, so much that usually has a couple of "pops" before climbing aboard the flying death trap and struggling to her seat.  I am not sure but judging from her usual sized purses I doubt they fit under the seat, but maybe the leopard print on the bag helped disguise it from the stewardess predators.  Plane takes off, little switch over in O'Hare (by far the biggest airport I have ever had the luxury of RUNNING THROUGH) and another flight to her destination.  Safe and somewhat sound.

Yes, there is a time change, but when your on vacation you tend to pass on the naps and bolt for the bars.  Vee and her relative, who happens to be gay (CHEERS) takes her out to some amazing bar where he is performing.  Vee and I share a lot of things, one of which is being comfortable alone in an Irish pub with beer.  Vee (only a little over 5 feet tall) climbs onto a stool and samples the local beers.  Yum, she finds one she likes only to turn and see a man, probably our age but looking of death, standing in her personal space.  As he leans in closer to talk he places his hand holding a beer on the bar.  Closer, closer he comes to Vee's face until he says "So, before we exchange names..." 

SMASH he drops his whole fucking beer on the bar pouring everywhere and soaking up napkins, coasters and any chance of a hookup.  I can only imagine how much Vee enjoyed his conversoaktion. I mean if your gonna get a girl wet... this ain't the way tiger!  After poorly attempting to clean up his shit he quickly made an escape, followed by Vee and her Uncle laughing hysterically about how smooth that pick up line had gone!

The next day they were off to a parade, with naked people(check out the dancing boobs) doing everything from riding bicycles to dancing in painted suits, that ended at a huge street fair.

 

Once at the street fair Vee did some shopping and bought amazing west coast shirts before making her way to the bathroom.  The "bathroom"  was actually a huge mess of porta potties with lines as long as how bad you have to use one of these filth traps.  As Vee stands there, holding her bag, waiting she is approached by another male.  This one looks her up and down and then asks "So, is that your bag?"  Vee, who has sooo many patients like animal with rabies, fires back "Yes, what are you security or something?"  I mean, who the fuck else's bag would she be holding.  Two creepy facts about this situation.... #1  DO NOT PICK UP WOMEN IN LINE TO USE PORTA POTTY and #2 DO NOT ASK RITORICAL QUESTIONS THAT YOU THINK IN YOUR HEAD WILL SOUND WITTY/FUNNY BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A STUPID ASSHOLE.  Finally its her turn for the "bathroom"  my question "where the fuck did you put your bag down?????

Next stop a night out on the town in gay bars!!!  I get a snap chat that evening because the bar they end up at is the name of her cat....

And being a lesbian I think a name like Purr is odd for a male dominated club... what about like "Rough" with a picture of a dog or "Humpday" or even something as simple as "Cum one Cum all."  Anyway so she is in the bar having a fabulous time when she again has to use the bathroom.  Now you may not be gay so you don't know that even if a bathroom is marked for a specific sex anyone sex can and will use such bathroom.  Vee enters the "ladies" room, which happens to have some male patrons and a bunch of transsexuals.  She enters her stall and before she can even pull her pants down the knocking on the wall begins..  Knocking on the stall door for gay man is an indication that they would like to have sex with you... NOW in the STALL... if you knock back GAME ON if you don't they just keep knocking.  Vee has no clue WTF is going on but DOES NOT KNOCK BACK.  She continues peeing until the relentless knocker stops knocking and the light kinda changes in her stall?  Looking up from her seated position she sees the transsexual she had passed in the stall next to her, standing on the toilet looking down on her and watching her pee.

 Vee shocked but unmoved just stares back until the transsexual says staring down at her ass "I just wanted to make sure you were a "REAL GIRL" before hopping down and disappearing.  Congrats you are a REAL girl and I could totally tell that from only being able to see your ass and piss filling the toilet?!  We call this an amazing vacation!!!  Hit on by drunk men, dumb men, and men who don't look like men is classic and something to always reflect on!

Sadly the end of her vacation was nearing and so her Uncle was having people over to watch sports.  When company comes over he puts his dog into the bathroom because it is a wild animal to strangers, leaving guests to have to use the neighbors bathroom.  I think we all see the theme developing here Vee, you and bathroom trips DON'T MIX.  Vee excuses herself and walks to the neighbors to pee.  Inside the neighbors she sees weird hooks/apparatus hung in the ceiling.  She wonders what that could possibly be, maybe art?  Pee's and then leaves the bathroom.  It wasn't until she called me to tell me these along with many other ridiculous stories that in between belly laughing I explained that the hooks/apparatus are a sex swing!!!!!!! 

She responded with "huh that makes sense."  I so would have loved to gone on this bday vaca.  But I am glad your home safe and sound, possibly with a VD and gay tendencies but home regardless!!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY VEE!!!  LOVE U AND YOUR TRUELY UNJUDGING MIND!!! I can't wait to spill my next drink on you!