I know, I know its been ages but here we go!!!
So a couple of weeks ago some friends of ours and us decided to take a weekend overnight in Newport, RI. Now I had never been but everyone raves about the mansions and shoppes...well I am going to rave about lots of other things!
We got to the hotel early so that we could go see some mansions and hit some pubs and althought it was cloudy it was not raining..yet. Our friends Gary and Shawn arrived to their suite and found it oh so charming until they entered the bathroom. You see when you travel to beautiful places sometimes it awakens something so deep inside you that you have to just "mold something" "create" or SHIT!!! You see the toilet had some... we shall say reminiscence of poo, paper and pee so without hesitation they gave it flush... WHOOOOOSHHHHH well the doody started floating to the top along with the shit toilet paper piss and god knows what else... next thing you know they are basically on the titanic which instead of filling with salt water is filling with fecal.
Lucky for them maintenance was outside their room and began bailing out their romantic room. They immediately headed for the bar which is where we met up with them after finding our Suite in perfect condition!
We headed to the mansions first and boy was I surprised to find not only the elegance of the houses but also the fact that they had their toilets covered in wicker to disguise them and ass tub just for rinsing shit!!!!! AMAZING.... This really was the "Golden Age" Elle and I posed outside a mansion that had a name that just rang true to so many things "BREAK HER" (so disgusting, I guess that is why it won me over!) This picture was taken before we went inside "her"
We had time to kill since Gary had to run 4 blocks and down to the servants quarters to take a piss... you see the wicker toilets are no joke not for common asses. When we pulled out of her, it was soaking wet... Raining silly!! So we headed back to our hotel dropped off the car and hit the pubs! First up Fastnet Pub.
Ahhh we walk into the smell of Guinness, urine and rugby on T.V. Home at last! But as if it couldn't get any better the tables were actually huge barrels with stools so you had to like wrap your legs around them... let me tell you I have been gay a long time so its been awhile since I had something THAT BIG BETWEEN MY LEGS!!!
Now mind you we had just left the mansions... but Gary needed to find the bathroom. As we ordered our beers he headed to the bathroom (which we all watched) entered and exited seconds later. As a true gay man he was furious that there was no fucking mirror in there and additionally he had to take a piss but the urinals were touching with no divider (so you can get other peoples splash back SO COOL) and a random fucking toilet out in the open.... I was excited... so its like a prison cell!!!
Now you have to be ONE HELL OF A CONFIDENT SHITTER to drop a duece in public. I mean there are people that pay to watch people shit and here you are in a pub with a bathroom the size of matchbook just dropping your drawers and squeezing out a log.... INTENSE. I was dying to go inside but was afraid of getting thrown out! After eating we bounced across the road in the pouring rain to a bar with an amazing name "Pour Judgement." Everyone was unsure about it but the two 50 something dyke-alikes in the window had me sold! But they weren't even the best part.... NO it was the actually fucking pirate sitting behind me with a peg fucking leg that took the cake!!!! He hated life and looking at face like that .... I'm sure life hated him.... but everyone makes mistakes...we will let him slide... We got a table that allowed me to sit directly infront of him to hear all his bitching and hatred (i loved every minute...if only i could have found the courage to kick that peg leg out from under him!!!)
As I stared in amazement we were all overcome by a violent whiff of vomit.. someone had poured their stomach contents out all over the floor and the pissed off pirate was on his way to set them straight... Out the door (don't like getting to dry EVER) we head off..... We have no umbrella and there is traffic on the cobblestone street so we are all forced to walk on the sidewalk. As I am walking staring at the ground I hear a woman YELL "I AM GOING OFF THE PRECIPICE" as the ancient woman flew off the curb into traffic and the cobblestone street STILL HOLDING HER RAINBOW UMBRELLA! Who the fuck yells that??? A precipice?? Its a curb... not a cliff and were the gay ones arent we suppose to go off the cliff?? Anywho the woman actually circles around and says to us (we are all hysterical) "Oh, I know precipice isn't the first word that would come to mind, but it was a state of emergency!" Classic..
Next on our travels we ran into a gaggle of women and Shawn had enough of our bitching about the ran (oh and Gary's suede shoes getting wet) so we were able to "borrow" an umbrella from the women... Oh no keep it they said... joke was on us shit was all busted but the print kept it with us the rest of the night.
DINNER TIME! What goes with seafood but Oyster Shooters.... I was the only one who had ever had them... I guess its an acquired taste?? Note faces of others taking them
Oh yeah it should be noted that Gary vomited his at the table. Can't force feed a gay man fish!!! Our last stop of the night was a small tavern that is haunted. We got lost in the rain for another 15 minutes after dinner before getting to the shitty tavern. The tavern is smaller than a bathroom stall and as we sneak past the romantic tables to sit at the bar I start gagging on the smell of ass.... holy fucking shit someone just shit their pants. It was so bad that tables LEGIT LEFT!!! It wasn't until the bar was ours alone that Shawn admitted to crop dusting the entire place! PUKE... We were all beat and as we started our walk home in the rain Gary started torturing Shawn about a glass he bought at the tavern.... he began running about and climbing bushes and puddles until Shawn shouted that he was "cruisein for a bruisen" which I haven't heard since my mother said it to me?! Back a the hotel we left the leopard print umbrella for another couple to enjoy as we had and headed to bed... As we rode the elevator together it was obvious Gary was feeling GREAT... BING their floor... Doors open to a beautiful marble table with a huge flower arrangement on it. Gary yells "OH FLOWERS!!"
And bolts towards them with Shawn yelling "Gary stop it! They have cameras!!!" Doors close... well it wasn't until the next morning that we heard how the rest of their night ended. You see right after the elevator door closed Gary lost his balance and fell to the left smashing into a woman carrying a tray of food which then caused her to get wailed into the plaster wall cracking it!!!!!!! WHOOPSY DAISY!!!!!!
They'll never notice... After all it wouldn't be an adventure if someone didn't get hurt, shit themselves, vomit or all of the above! CHEERS NEWPORT!!! WE'LL BE BACK!!!!!!
