Spending the holidays in Chicago was great, getting to eat at one of the most amazing restaurants for Christmas "Joe's Stone Crab" even better. Reservations were for 6pm on the dot so with three brother in-laws, one sister in-law, Papa T, Elle, me and the parents in a pear tree goes without saying we had to leave early.
We split up into two cars and started our drive into the city. I had never seen Chicago at night and have to say it is one of the most gorgeous cities, filled with lights, people and my most favorite a building shaped like (of all things) a VAGINA. Yes, I have arrived!
During the car ride my stomach began to grumble and I assumed it must be hunger pains even though we had only eaten brunch like 4 hours ago? The heat in the car only intensified that nauseous feeling growing in my gut, but I brushed it off (belching a few times to relieve the pressure)... telling myself oh its probably cause I am squished in the back seat and excited. We arrived at the restaurant, got shuffled around to coat check and then seated in a massive dining room filled with holiday decor.
We sit down and after sipping our waters and everyone at the table getting "crabs" (I figured I would just shave off all the pubic hair and wear the shampoo for two weeks when I got home to get rid of them) one of my brother in-laws had to excuse himself due to sickness. As he walked out the door I wondered if he and I had eaten the same thing at brunch, because my stomach was now in shambles too. With my "hunger pains", I continued on like a brave soldier drinking a mixed drink and getting crabs... HUGE CRABS... until my mouth began to fill with fluid. NOT GOOD! I excuse myself and rush to the gorgeous TWO FUCKING STALL BATHROOM and bolted into stall #2.
I could feel the chunks rising in my throat as I took the kneeling position, legs partially sticking out from under the fancy stall door when projectile vomit, accompanied by loud gags/heaves and that fucking bizarre OOHHH sound exited my body.
It was then that I noticed ALL the lady chatter by the mirror near the door had ceased. Most likely to stare at my dope ass kicks poking out from under the stall door and to listen to the amazing sounds of a wild animal escaping my body... it was then that I saw something that would make this experience even more special...
I rested my soaking wet face on my arm on the toilet seat to catch my breath while the toilet water dripped off my face. Moments later it was over. I was fine again. I removed my seat cover bib, threw it in the toilet and watched, this time from a distance as the auto flush sucked away the last traces of my stomach lining. It was time to return to the table. The bathroom was silent as I tore off pieces toilet paper to dry my face and thinking it might be empty I exited my stall. WELL IT WASN'T EMPTY... as a matter of fact it was fucking chock full of damsels in distress over my experience. Not one word was spoken as I stood outside of the stall looking at them as they stared at me, some with mouths open. Time to make my BIG EXIT.... I took the balled up piece of toilet paper in my fist and opened it up calmly.... paused.... made eye contact with the ladies and slowly wiped the remaining drops of toilet water from the corners of my mouth as if I had just finished a delicious meal.
