Friday Night Lights...OUT

Hello Fools,
Sorry I have been away for sometime, work, work, work LOL but there is always time for play!  This past weekend was a very special weekend for a lot of reasons.  Most importantly I got to be part of an amazing fundraising effort for a very special little girl battling cancer.  So its to you beautiful girl that I dedicate this blog.

The festivities that I will discuss happened during the earlier part of the fundraising on last Friday.  I had to arrive to the event early to drop off raffle prizes, and it's never a good idea when you (meaning ME) get someplace too early with lots of alcohol.  I always try to keep in mind a friend's quote that drinking is a marathon not a sprint, but let just face it.. I'm so fucking fast it hurts!

As people arrived and drinks were poured, shots taken and stories told, I was more than ready to leave when my wife noticed that I had already "excused" myself and was outside?  My friend Vee, informed her that I had located a bench of sorts in a van associated with work and had knocked out there for a while.  Frantic Elle rushed only to find me dancing in the gravel parking lot with a family member.  Woo Hoo Elle knew immediately she was in for a treat.

When my "Lord of the Dance" ended Elle ushered me into the passenger seat of the car and as she opened the driver's door I was already slithering through the front seats into the back.

As she pulled out of the driveway I began screaming "TACOs TACOs" (not the kind we women carry around in our pants but I am sure that would have sufficed too!!!)  and the night goes black....

Fast forward hours.... I don't know how many so lets just say.... A LOT.  I wake up, staring at a weird pattern and have shoes on?  What the fuck is going on??  I sit up quickly only to realize that I am alone in my car in the back seat.  Takes a second but I am an old pro at this so I exit the SUV (which I might mention has turned into a fucking monster truck, because thats how high off the ground it feels!!!)  falling a good 5 feet till I reach the pavement and stare at what could only be cornstalks?  Great.. its night time and I am in a fucking corn maze.  I turn and like clockwork LOCK THE CAR DOOR and SHUT! 

It is at this time I realize I can actually see my own breath freezing in mid air before falling to the ground and shattering into a million pieces because it is approximately 1 degree outside and I am in a goddamn t-shirt while my warm sweater is now all secure inside my car... FUCK!  (Similar to image below)

I turn back to the stalks of torture... after fighting my way through them I realized that I had just walked through our Hibiscus flower stalks and I was now standing in the pitch black of my neighbors property.  In my head I am thinking "shit now I have to fight my way back through these stalks to get to my house...again."  *It should be noted that there is a sidewalk, driveway and numerous other options to get back to my property but because I am basically MAN v.s. WILD I will fight my way through LITERALLY 3 feet of stalks to my driveway*

Back on base if you will, I now "weave" my way to the front door of the house and begin ringing the doorbell and knocking trying to wake Elle out of her coma-like state.  Well... then I had an amazing idea... If she can't hear the door bell or the banging I bet if I yell her name through the mail slot that would work.  Well there are no handles on house siding (that shit is slippery) so I prop my self at mailbox height using the screen door and an ape like grip so that I can turn my head sideways allowing my NOSE AND MOUTH to fit inside the mailbox (leaving dark marks on either side of my face...it was a dirty little box) and yelled... maybe twice before getting winded.

Ooof, mommy needs to lay down...  I circle the house, which now feels like it has become a fucking estate since it seemed as though I had walked approximately a 1/2 marathon.  I try the garage doors, windows basement... its like fucking fort knox!!!!  Freezing, drunk and blind I make my way up the back porch to find a moist cushion from the porch swing gently laying on its side.  CHRIST... this will be interesting.  I stumble to lay the sopping wet cushion ( I am assuming it was dew/hoping it was fucking dew that made it this wet) down on the deck and then proceed to lay down inside it like a hotdog bun freezing.  My little carnie hand was able to grab hold of one of the ties to hold the cushion over my self as my night ended with tiny snores.
*REENACTMENT BELOW SAME CUSHION, LOCATION AND HOTDOG*

I am woken up suddenly by my dog, Citu, stepping on my head and Elle saying "Oh my god baby!"  You see the reality of the situation was that Elle had actually left my keys and cellphone inside the car with me so that I would not be locked out all of which I had failed to see.  When she woke up in the morning and found that I was MIA she had to canvass the neighborhood to finally find me as seen above.  We laugh as I begin to thaw and head upstairs for a couple hours of sleep.  When I wake up to pee hours later I decide its best just to remove my pants and shuffle downstairs in my undies.  I make it to the bathroom (which for some creepy reason has a mirror eye level so you get to watch yourself poop or pee?) and stare at myself in a daze.  I then look down and see all this dark substance in my underwear... fucking great I got my period to boot.  After peeing I go back to bed (still in the ratchet panties) to wake up to Elle telling me her version of events.  While she told me of taking me to taco bell and trying to drag me out of the car and me telling her "I'm doing something" (snore snore) before giving up and she and Citu sleeping for several hours in the car before abandoning ship and heading to bed.  We were hysterical and THEN I told her about my underwear.... She laughed and said maybe you sharted (fart and shit ones self) and proceeds to tell me how I had farted so wet and nasty in the car she and Citu had to leave.  *Gross, gross and gross.... I do a lot of things with my wife but shit and fart are two that I DO NOT APPROVE OF.*  I was like oh hee hee... and head back to the bathroom.

As pull down my nasty roo's and stare at the stain it becomes increasingly clear that SHIT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD DONE!!!!!!  Then like a bolt of lighting a memory came to me of holding onto a tree and peeing outside... had I dropped a duece outside????? Was a log laying in my yard?  Did I really lose control of my sphincter??  I ditched the panties in the trash, washed my stank ass bolted upstairs giggling hysterically telling Elle my discovery and telling her to get shoes on we had to go look in the yard for possible loafs!!   

 We run down the stairs scour the yard but find no logs or nuggets.  Elle decides that she is going to get up for the day as I wander back to bed.

I am woken up by a screaming Elle.  She is yelling something about bees stinging her and taking off her pants... I roll over to find her standing in our bedroom, without pants covered in bee stings.  3 on her knee and 1 on her bum.  She explains to me how she had taken Ceet out to go to the bathroom and while she was bent over picking up the dog shit she felt a sharp sting on her butt.  It was then that she realized that a bee had flown UP HER PJ's and stung her ass!!!!

 Instinctively she reached for the bug and once grabbing its (and I quote her) "exoskeletal" body she let it go.  The bee was now pissed the fuck off and went bananas stinging the shit out of her thighs and legs!!!!  As she tried to run for the house the shit bag in one hand became too big of an obstacle and she had no choice but to fling the bag of feces over the fence towards the trash bins

before STRIPPING OFF HER PANTS (leaving them to fend for themselves in the backyard) AND RUNNING BARE LEGGED INTO THE HOUSE!

 I think we can both safely say we survived this epic night by our courageous acts learned from none other than Bear Grylls and in his words "Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well presented body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, “WOW….what a ride!”
and in my words... WOW what an asshole!!!!!!