I got an amazing text over the weekend from my friend about shenanigans from a college reunion party she and her girlfriend had attended. My friend "Vikki"and her girlfriend "M"had arrived on the early side of Saturday afternoon to "Maryland's" house for the party. After introductions were made it was time to make M feel welcome so immediate drinking began...
Anytime its sunny outside and your already buzzed or laying on the ground with both hands grasping blades of grass "to hold on" means its gonna be a long day/night fo sho. As time flew by so did the shots of tequila and god only knows what else...the only thing that I am certain Vikki and M did not swallow is semen.. and even that is questionable.
Vikki told me that around .. o'clock she felt the chunks rising in her throat so she excused herself from the party and went to the bathroom where she vomited... only a little she claimed (the clogged toilet says different) and then fumbled her way back downstairs to the fold out couch that she and M would be spending the night on. She said I saw M outside hanging out and then everything went black... I woke up to people saying goodbye so I guess they were leaving (which I told her was a genius conclusion) but she could still hear M laughing in the distance as the light faded........
Cue the morning! Vikki wakes up "early" to rush home to get to the farmers market (even though she is newly a lesbian that is the gayest thing she has EVER SAID TO ME!! I mean why don't you just throw on your work boots and climb into your pickup for fucks sake? Or make lame jokes like "Head out like a baby" or "Piece out like an abortion") to find her girlfriend laying next to her. M is under the covers wearing a t-shirt and hooded sweatshirt. She wakes M up... YAWN.... M sits up abruptly and asks "Where are my pants?" Vikki confused lifts the blanket to find that M is naked below the waist? They start scanning the room for M's missing clothes and finally spot them on the other side of the room in pile, bright yellow underpants resting atop the jeans. Not wanting to be seen M quickly peels her bare ass off of the pull out and runs to her pile of clothes only to find......
that her pants and underpants were sopping wet...LIKE WENT SWIMMING WET!!!! Vikki laughing and horrified asks "Did you piss yourself??" This question makes M pick up the wet clothes hold them against her face SMELLING THEM FOR A HINT OF URINE?!?! Unsure of what the fuck happened, Vikki checks the pullout and finds that it is as dry as anal sex? Did M somehow manage to get out of bed, piss her pants, remove them and climb back into bed??? No time time to play Sherlock Holmes Vikki had to get to the goddamn farmers market!!!!
Not wanting to wake anyone else in the house, Vikki forces M to PUT THE PISS SOAKED FREEZING COLD UNDERPANTS AND JEANS BACK ON HER BODY!!!!!!!!!!! (** On a side note do you know how hard it is to put on soaking wet jeans??? Its like a second layer of skin or something... you have to inch that shit up like nylons or spandex.... Not for nothing I would have just pulled down my hoodie or worn my t-shirt as a "bottom" to avoid having to wear that hot mess of an outfit) After slithering back into her clothes of shame like a trooper M and Vikki leave Ally's house and walk to Vikki's car. While walking, Vikki takes a second look at M and decides that it is not AWFUL enough that her girlfriend is wearing piss soaked clothes that she doesn't remember removing or struggled so hard to get BACK ON she laughs and tells her "you have to ride on this here parka (who knows where that came from?) so your piss pants don't touch my seats" LOL!!!!!!!!!!
Both laughed hysterically the entire ride home, and why the hell not at that point who the fuck cares if you piss your pants... TWICE?! Tequila, tequila, tequila...... the only thing Vikki can remember for sure from that night is Jose Cuervo was the last man inside their mouths!!!!!! CHEERS FUCKERS!!!!! LOL!!!!!
