We woke up at 3am to drive to NJ because at the time of booking the long ass drive equaled the ability to fly directly our destination. WTF?? Friends were meeting us in DR from all over and we usually make some new ones because of my filthy mouth and even more descriptive story telling.
We landed and began sweating immediately. Lucky for us there was a shuttle to take all the other lesbians to our big gay paradise. True to form the butches (which even for a trained eye like mine, can be a tough call at these locations) absolutely refused to get onto the fucking shuttle until they saw each and everyone of the goddamn bags placed under the bus. I mean... seriously... seriously do you think the man with an unbuttoned shirt and bracelet that says "Beers for Boobs" wants any of your stuff?? The answer is NO... After what seemed like hours Elle (pale as a ghost) and I standing outside with the sun beating down on us finally were allowed onto the shuttle, which was basically like a giant dildo full of dykes. Elle disagrees but I think we got the best seats!! Directly behind a couple who decided to give their partner a head massage while we drove so we got to hear every moan, sigh and YES from her partner, Glenda. PUKE! If your gonna massage something it better get wet.... that's all I'm saying! LOL
After checking in we peeled off our soaking wet jeans and t-shirts and managed to wrangle our way into swimsuits. We weren't in the pool but a few minutes before one of my stories introduced us to two other filthy storied rugby girls!!!! Our new friends T and KC who had been there the previous week as well, gave us a heads up that there was a wild single lesbian "Tammy" on the prowl. She was easily spotted because her nipples were usually being displayed, and better yet that on the previous night she had gone up to our friends took off her shirt began to play with her nipples while asking KC if she "had fucked in the pool yet?" (How could such a prize be single) Tammy went on to invite everyone to meet in the pool at 3am for some skinny dipping and fucking?? We were so there...
I mean is it just me or is there is nothing like the touch of wrinkled, elongated cold nipple on ones tongue.. ANYWAY?? We were able to avoid Tammy for most of the trip because we were a couple.. ya see at these types of events the single lesbos wear a dog tag to let the cougars know they can attack!
That wild tiger Tammy even followed KC onto a singles cruise, got naked and jumped off the boat?? I can only imagine what those confused fish were thinking when her vagina touched the water saturating it with loose chunks of discharge smelling of caviar..had their children returned??!!
But our poor friend Em got the Tammy treatment two nights in a row. Em didn't have a dog tag, but she did have a similar necklace on... Well Tammy, who was shitfaced (I know weird), first approached Em, saw the dangling necklace and immediately went in for a kiss. Lucky people move r-e-a-l-l-y slow drunk so she was able to bob and weave her way out of it. The next night Tammy appeared again quickly glancing at Em's chest before confronted.. Em was like "um.. Tammy" whose eyes became dreamy and vag all moist asked Em "how did you know my name" and Em was like "cause you fucking tried to make out with me yesterday!" Tammy vanished... it was like she was a fungus for days.. pick her off and she grew right back but after this she was not seen again.....
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| "Tammy" |
After a couple days of eating... um... I guess I was really only eating pussy cause the food was covered in flies but on Wednesday I managed to force down some "chicken" or "beef" covered in a brown sauce. Now we had planned on heading directly to the pool after lunch but about 10 minutes after swallowing this meaty substance I knew a SHITMERGENCY was going happen... FAST!!! Elle and I walked (squeezed butt cheeks) all the way back to the room where the fun began. The bathroom at the resort had no fan, no ventilation and no sink...which will be important later. Being an amazing wife I allowed Elle to shit first.... MISTAKE #1 about two minutes into her shit I was sweating profusely and shivering!!! I yelled to her "Elle you gotta come out!!!! NOW!!!" Elle said "I'm trying!" And then I screamed "PINCH IT OFF!!!" as I felt the liquid shit start to pour from my anus. Elle exited as I ran in without pants on with liquid acid shit pouring out of me. I sat down, braced both my hands on the walls and nearly cried as the shit blasted from my ass. It was so violent that I wasn't even concerned that red winged ants were on my feet. After several minutes, pounds later I was done... or so I thought. I grabbed a huge wad of toilet paper knowing that this type of shit also known as "tar shit" needs at least 50 wipes. As I lift my left butt cheek to go in for wipe number one, the movement contracts my belly forcing a gallon of piping hot fluid crap into my hand/toilet paper!!! OMFG!!!! I just shit into my hand... PANIC MODE!!!
I shake the shit filled toilet paper into the toilet and peer down at my acid shit covered finger tips only to do the UNTHINKABLE.. thats right folks... I dipped my shit covered hand into the the shit filled toilet water "to rinse it off" only to spin logs and liquid mucus around... I continued this until my fingers stopped burning and I realized that those things in the water "bumping into me" were skinny snake like tar logs of shit. HOLY FUCK!!!
I do not regret my decision but only wish that someone, anyone had been inside the bathroom with me to witness how truly horrific/amazing/shitastic this event was!!! Vacation baby...let the shit hit the fan!!!
