"Closer" Part 2

Friday morning... Wedding Rehearsal Day: Elle and I climbed out of our bed fairly early after.. MY night on the town. After scraping off the clumps of dried lady juices from my legs and putting on different jeans off we went to try and locate more of our wedding party to force them to create our magical wedding favors (see below)
  We ended up splitting up "to cover more ground" and per usual I made my way into the casino to find the darkest, grossest bar and saddled up to the "poke-her" machine and my drink. I hadn't gambled 10 bucks when my phone exploded with texts from one of my childhood besties... Tricia had arrived and was wandering around the casino trying to find me... the following is the exact transcription of our text convo:  
T: I am here!!!!!!!! Lets get it on!!!!!! 
Me: Fuck yeah...I'm in some dark ass sports bar come here 
T: What's the name of it dumbass. Or should I ask someone where's the shitty dark bar 
Me: Haaaaa probably the latter
And that is pretty much as the day went on... my other bestie, Dayna, arrived later to complete the filthy old crew.. and by filthy... you can only imagine. After our rehearsal and dinner all of us retreated back to the shitty dark bar to tell more horrifying true stories that made some people so sick they left our corner :) Ahh friends... Our youngest member of the filthalong gang "Smear" was so shit faced that he complained about not getting a drink and then immediately passed out in the corner of the darkness. After talking sexy talents, Nikki and I scoured the entire casino in the middle of the night to locate a banana for Dayna to show off my favorite trick from high school the "NO GAG REFLEX." Nikki and I ended up in a sketchy deli talking to a guy wearing a t-shirt as a hairnet who would only give us a banana if we promised to bring him video footage of the ummm "trick" DONE!!!! Back in our booth/confessional in the bar. Dayna was promptly handed the banana and told to "do it." We all laughed our asses off until the entire banana disappeared into her throat...... A-M-A-Z-I-N-G
 
Our night ended as more "tricks" were uncovered and the masses dispersed.  Big Day was to follow!!!!!!!

Everyone and anyone who was meant to be there had arrived in Vegas and learning from my mistakes from the day before I knew I had to eat something today.  Elle and I met up with her family for breakfast where I ordered A pancake. ONE.....
Boy was I surprised when it arrived and it was the size of my head...

but at least this should hold me over from getting drunk till the ceremony.  Our music was picked (even though my mom has a mental block about Tegan and Sara... she kept referring to closer by Tegan and Marie or Keegan and Laura??? WTF) and of course no wedding would be complete without a little Michael Jackson "Don't stop till you get enough" which was the #1 song the year I was born 1979!!
Our clothes were ready and all that was left to do was for me to shower and vacate the "brides suite."  I must have been in that shower a full hour scrubbing off discharge from strange ladies and shaving all the specialty parts (to include but not limited to the asshole:). I got dressed with the quickness as the bridal party began to arrive in our suite.  I had made the executive decision for all my wedding party to get dressed in  Dayna & Tricia's suite so the "bride" could relax. 
As Eric and I arrived at the T & D's door I could already hear the commotion brewing inside... I opened the door to find coolers filled to the brim with beer and bottles of champagne all over the room!  HEAVEN!!!  My closest friends and family were all having ridiculous conversations getting ready... knock knock... Elle's brother and Glenn had arrived at our room and T. couldn't contain his excitement...... YOU HAVE BEER IN THIS ROOM!!!!! As he began shoving the cold bottles into his pockets!!  He was like this room is fucking ridiculous... moments later Glenn forced him to leave and I swore I saw a single tear run down his cheek as he left the room.  I hid my nervousness well as the photographer arrived....

Amped ain't the word for how I felt.... as several members of my wedding party gave toasts and the photographer blushed as we posed for a legit blowjob photo... ALL OF US... The best day of my life had officially begun!!!!

Everyone was wasted before we even entered the reception!!  We danced to DJ Im-so-tan songs which included an epic dance off, my failed attempt at the worm, my sister doing a split and popping her hip out of joint, a collision on the dance floor which revealed panties, sunglasses at night, first time make outs, semi chubby's and a box of flavored/colored condoms for my new in-laws :)

The last thing I remember is sweating, seeing the dance floor and waking up in my bed alone at 5am?  I texted the new wife who was still out partying and passed the fuck out.  Most people made it till the wee hours but when we crashed... we fucking crashed hard bitches!!!!

Elle never made it home... she and her brothers actually got fucking CUT OFF at a casino for alcohol even though they were still gambling....  I guess when its 10am the morning after the wedding and your still wearing your wedding attire and stink of booze you're easy to pick out of a crowd

Legit photo of Asa..... who never slept!!!!!!!!
While these shenanigans were going on from 5am to 8am I spent my time vomiting and pissing my pants.  After pissing myself 4 fucking times and was still puking I made the genius decision to remove my underpants so now with each heave I was squirting piss violently all over my legs, feet and floor.  I still forced a sick little smile at the mess I made wiping it up with my already soaked underpants.  (All 4 underpants were hung on the door knobs around the room to dry and like secret little bombs for people who visited to touch) I decided it was too cold without pants on to make the trip to the bathroom so I began vomiting into a trash bag....which was absolutely fine until hours later when I went to tie up the six gallons of stomach acid and broke the "skin" that had formed.... THE SMELL....

Thank god Nikki had also crashed in our room so she was there to snap this epic photo.  Elle finally entered the room where all her brothers had crashed in our living room and Nikki was asleep on a lounge chair in our bedroom, and climbed into bed punchy as ever.  In the darkness I could feel her move to hold her hands up in the air and without warning said "A BOO" before her and Nikki exploded into laughter... Zoolander quotes began followed by Nikki's "I think I got the black lung pop...cough cough!"  After laughing till our stomachs hurt Elle decided to shower and wondered why my underwear was hanging everywhere?!  Leslie and "The Dominatrix" arrived to check in.  Seeing my sickly, sweaty ass naked on the bed and Nikki hungover on the couch with shower running... "The Dom" decided the only thing there was to do was to give us a peep show...

and by peep I mean completely nude LOL!!!!!  The bathroom had a window with a automatic shade... which made for the perfect stage.....  The show only lasted a minute but as we cheered for more Leslie yelled "come on I have another quarter....even though she is only worth a nickle"  LOL   Good friends make everything ridiculous...and WE ALL KNOW THE MORE THE RIDICULOUS THE BETTER!!!!!!
Thanks to everyone who made it out to Las Vegas for our wedding....  I Love You All and especially to my new wife and the LOVE OF MY LIFE ELLE POWELL CUDDY!!!!!