The weekend of my Wedding was more than epic...which means it will take more than one blog to completely give you a taste of the insanity that my wife now can call "normal."
The morning we were leaving we got up early and packed the essentials
and headed to the airport ready to get our freak on. Four of us were on the flight headed to Philly where we would pick up another person, Josy, who was in my wedding party, making it a party of five for the flight to Las Vegas. Josy told us it would be easy to find him...look for the bar closest to the gate and he would be wearing a balloon. Perfect. As I parked in the lot Elle and I met up with our friends Pencil and Eddy who were just opening bottles of champagne to start our adventure. With only an hour till our flight we each chugged down the two bottles of bubbly before boarding the plane. Buzzed ain't the word but I know it wasn't a fucking mirage that this plane was so old that our seats were legit the entire back row...like a fucking bench and the plane was still equipped with ashtrays?! We weren't two minutes off the ground when Pencil knocks the fuck out...Ahh let the shenanigans begin!!! (NOTE PHOTO OF PENCIL)
Barely making it on time to Philly we had to hurry to find Josy and the balloon and board our next flight...starving and full of urine I opt for the bathroom, which I instantly regretted as I sat next to Eddy who opted for a slice of pizza and a full blatter. When we finally touched down in Vegas we split up to rush wash our pits and crotches before the limo was to pick up my peeps for MY bacholorette at one of the most prominent strip clubs in vegas. Elle opted to stay at the hotel with her friends... a safe choice. At the hotel, I met up with my friend Micky (who my mission on this trip was to get her to make out with a chick) and we climbed into the limo. Now even though we didn't discuss it I am sure we both wondered why there was blue lighting in this limo...like a black light? I mean, I would rather NOT know what the fuck goo I am sitting in, however, Elle and I would like to have children some day! We stopped at River and picked up Eddy, Josey and Pencil...the group was complete. We had V.I.P. passes to the club so the limo brought us to a private entrance where security frisked us, told us to tip the limo driver before escorting us into the club. We were brought straight to the V.I.P. section and sat at a table inches from the stage. Now those of you from CT probably don't know a REAL strip club till you have seen this one!!! All the girls were gorgeous (10 girls per 1 patron) not one cesarean scar or stubbly pit to be found!!! Wuuu Hooo!! It was basically like being at Circ Du Soleil with naked ladies.
We decide to torture Pencil who was the only straight female with us... so dollar bills were a strewn about her to bring ladies closer. Pencil, kept commenting on how cute the strippers shoes were, and their outfits etc... she finally looked off into the distance speaking softly "I missed my calling....I should have been a stripper" while lost in her daze of dancing lady dreams a stripper had snuck up behind her with huge oily boobs and light up shoes... Pencil didn't even see it coming when the dancer, "bubbles," spun her chair around and grabbed Pencil by the hair forcing her face to be smashed between her gynormous slippery breasts for what felt like to us a minute but for Pencil...hours.
Bubbles laughed and took the dollars from the stage next to Pencil before slithering across the stage. Pencil slowly turned around, and we all could see that not only were her glasses crooked on her face but the lenses were completely coated with...oil/tanner/semen.. and she couldn't see shit!!!
It was all fun and games until my chair spun around and the only busted chick in the place "Bunny" was on my lap. It is important to note that I wasn't thinking clearly when I selected my outfit. You see I was wearing completely thrashed jeans riddled with holes allowing each swipe of the moist labia to touch my bare skin and make the fringes on the holes frozen in vagina goo time. "Bunny" started dry humping my leg before removing her sweat stained bra (I don't even believe this girl really worked here?? Maybe a dish washer or something?) and began putting her tiny tits on me. I was trying to be nice but praying for this to end... All I could smell was her B.O. and the remnants smell of chemicals, which probably came from her last hit of meth before attacking me. As "Bunny's" hole slapped repeatedly on my thigh I could see through her teased hair Micky laughing her ass off... so that's who purchased this dance. Bunny finished (literally all over my poor new jeans) thanked me and walked off..probably back to the kitchen to finish the dishes.
We all continued to drink our drinks like ballers (it really felt like a rap video) until I saw Micky's payback. I very tall ummm person with the biggest boobs I have ever seen topped off with the smallest nipples that were clearly misplaced on the bosom. We will call her "Tucker" for obvious reasons... as I flagged "Tucker" over slipped her some cash and told her exactly how to pay my friend back... As she rode Micky's lap I swear we could hear her balls slapping against Micky's thigh and from the amount of sweat on "Tucker's" forehead she probably had bat wings (you know when your testicles stick to your thighs.) Finally the dance ended we finished our drinks and ended the night without any major mishaps... Except Micky and my cab ride with a driver who looked like he was straight out of a Tim Burton movie...all gangly and sweaty. He told us how much he hated the police and how people usually have sex in the back of his cab...all the while I wished I had just worn regular jeans. Once back to the hotel... I stumbled up to my room ready for bed (note time change) only to realize as I stood staring at myself in the mirror that although I had packed contact solution...I had failed to pack the contact case. I grabbed the only thing that made sense... two actual water glasses, filled them with contact solution popped out those babies.
I climbed into bed crawling over Elle as she whispered...why are your legs all sticky?! AHhh VEGAS... only day 1!!!
and headed to the airport ready to get our freak on. Four of us were on the flight headed to Philly where we would pick up another person, Josy, who was in my wedding party, making it a party of five for the flight to Las Vegas. Josy told us it would be easy to find him...look for the bar closest to the gate and he would be wearing a balloon. Perfect. As I parked in the lot Elle and I met up with our friends Pencil and Eddy who were just opening bottles of champagne to start our adventure. With only an hour till our flight we each chugged down the two bottles of bubbly before boarding the plane. Buzzed ain't the word but I know it wasn't a fucking mirage that this plane was so old that our seats were legit the entire back row...like a fucking bench and the plane was still equipped with ashtrays?! We weren't two minutes off the ground when Pencil knocks the fuck out...Ahh let the shenanigans begin!!! (NOTE PHOTO OF PENCIL)
Barely making it on time to Philly we had to hurry to find Josy and the balloon and board our next flight...starving and full of urine I opt for the bathroom, which I instantly regretted as I sat next to Eddy who opted for a slice of pizza and a full blatter. When we finally touched down in Vegas we split up to rush wash our pits and crotches before the limo was to pick up my peeps for MY bacholorette at one of the most prominent strip clubs in vegas. Elle opted to stay at the hotel with her friends... a safe choice. At the hotel, I met up with my friend Micky (who my mission on this trip was to get her to make out with a chick) and we climbed into the limo. Now even though we didn't discuss it I am sure we both wondered why there was blue lighting in this limo...like a black light? I mean, I would rather NOT know what the fuck goo I am sitting in, however, Elle and I would like to have children some day! We stopped at River and picked up Eddy, Josey and Pencil...the group was complete. We had V.I.P. passes to the club so the limo brought us to a private entrance where security frisked us, told us to tip the limo driver before escorting us into the club. We were brought straight to the V.I.P. section and sat at a table inches from the stage. Now those of you from CT probably don't know a REAL strip club till you have seen this one!!! All the girls were gorgeous (10 girls per 1 patron) not one cesarean scar or stubbly pit to be found!!! Wuuu Hooo!! It was basically like being at Circ Du Soleil with naked ladies.
We decide to torture Pencil who was the only straight female with us... so dollar bills were a strewn about her to bring ladies closer. Pencil, kept commenting on how cute the strippers shoes were, and their outfits etc... she finally looked off into the distance speaking softly "I missed my calling....I should have been a stripper" while lost in her daze of dancing lady dreams a stripper had snuck up behind her with huge oily boobs and light up shoes... Pencil didn't even see it coming when the dancer, "bubbles," spun her chair around and grabbed Pencil by the hair forcing her face to be smashed between her gynormous slippery breasts for what felt like to us a minute but for Pencil...hours. 
Bubbles laughed and took the dollars from the stage next to Pencil before slithering across the stage. Pencil slowly turned around, and we all could see that not only were her glasses crooked on her face but the lenses were completely coated with...oil/tanner/semen.. and she couldn't see shit!!! 
It was all fun and games until my chair spun around and the only busted chick in the place "Bunny" was on my lap. It is important to note that I wasn't thinking clearly when I selected my outfit. You see I was wearing completely thrashed jeans riddled with holes allowing each swipe of the moist labia to touch my bare skin and make the fringes on the holes frozen in vagina goo time. "Bunny" started dry humping my leg before removing her sweat stained bra (I don't even believe this girl really worked here?? Maybe a dish washer or something?) and began putting her tiny tits on me. I was trying to be nice but praying for this to end... All I could smell was her B.O. and the remnants smell of chemicals, which probably came from her last hit of meth before attacking me. As "Bunny's" hole slapped repeatedly on my thigh I could see through her teased hair Micky laughing her ass off... so that's who purchased this dance. Bunny finished (literally all over my poor new jeans) thanked me and walked off..probably back to the kitchen to finish the dishes.
We all continued to drink our drinks like ballers (it really felt like a rap video) until I saw Micky's payback. I very tall ummm person with the biggest boobs I have ever seen topped off with the smallest nipples that were clearly misplaced on the bosom. We will call her "Tucker" for obvious reasons... as I flagged "Tucker" over slipped her some cash and told her exactly how to pay my friend back... As she rode Micky's lap I swear we could hear her balls slapping against Micky's thigh and from the amount of sweat on "Tucker's" forehead she probably had bat wings (you know when your testicles stick to your thighs.) Finally the dance ended we finished our drinks and ended the night without any major mishaps... Except Micky and my cab ride with a driver who looked like he was straight out of a Tim Burton movie...all gangly and sweaty. He told us how much he hated the police and how people usually have sex in the back of his cab...all the while I wished I had just worn regular jeans. Once back to the hotel... I stumbled up to my room ready for bed (note time change) only to realize as I stood staring at myself in the mirror that although I had packed contact solution...I had failed to pack the contact case. I grabbed the only thing that made sense... two actual water glasses, filled them with contact solution popped out those babies.
I climbed into bed crawling over Elle as she whispered...why are your legs all sticky?! AHhh VEGAS... only day 1!!!
