Today started out as any other day that has since I broke my heel and re-injured my back. Elle helped me get dressed grab my crutches as we left for a wonderful day full of appointments that I could not drive to myself.
The MRI was first on the list and boy was I happy that I had that pumpkin coffee right before being stuffed inside a teeny tiny flesh colored coffin and told not to move. I couldn't help but think of all the comedic things happening as my entire body was wedged into the coffin with a pillow smashed holding my legs up in the air and then told in a sexy voice by the female tech. "Now I am gonna move this very slow until completely inside for at least a half an hour; but I will check on you to make sure your ok throughout this experience." Ummm ok words like "completely inside"just should not be used by a professional... Unless your a total prosty (lady of the night) I mean I wonder what she thought as I layed there, legs raised in paper shorts, slightly covered by a quilt, smiling up at her from my bullet casing bed as I was ejaculated into the machine.
Once inside the machine I opened my eyes to find that the ceiling was approximately 2 millimeters away from my face... start panic mode and nervous giggles. Immediately I began to regret the blanket that I had on due to the fact that I am now sweating bullets from every inch of my body (keep in mind I am wearing PAPER SHORTS)... my breathing increases and I start to get sick from the smell of my own rank ass coffee breath. I now know how sperm feel because I was literally trapped inside a penis for 30 minutes while it jiggled and made noise before spewing me out into the nice cold air! Ahhhhh...as Mel Gibson would say FREEDOM! I quickly jumped out of the hole leaving a wet body print and pillow to boot behind and scampered away from the nurse... I mean I didn't want her to think I really really liked this experience... the crouch of my paper shorts was just wet from sweat!!! I SWEAR!!! LOL
Elle and I discussed the experience as we made our way to the second appointment of the day. Haircuts with my favorite Christie! Elle decided that she wanted to do away with her mullet and get "a real haircut." I personally loved the little ponytail it was like dating a character from the book The Outsiders... Ponyboy!! But this haircut was to be done by a professional... no dull knives would be haphazardly chopping away at her locks. We arrive 10 minutes late and quickly make our entrance. The usual filthy chit chat as my hair was cut and styled until my mind drifted back to my wet crouch. Why was I wet? Was I still sweating?? Nooooo I had left the tampon in for WAY too long. As my haircut finished I foolishly asked my friend/hairstylest/mother if she had another tampon. She said "Yeah" and made her way toward her "purse" or what any mother of a small child has a beach bag.
Christie is quite little and as she disappeared inside the magic beach bag with only her little leopard print flats sticking out I immediately started to reconsider my decision to ask HER for a tampon. She climbs out of the canyon bag with the smallest tampon I have ever seen. Crushed and with the wrapper towards the plunger end open?! She was like "sorry... you never know whats on the bottom of your purse!" I stare at the "Ultra Slim" in utter disbelief. I mean this woman has given vaginal birth to two children and this...THIS is the tampon SHE IS USING?? I must have fucking beef drapes with a cavern cause this bitch uses SUPER!!
I step into the bathroom with this swizzle stick of a tampon in my hand thinking this is gonna be ridiculous. I sit down to find that my tampon had in fact been leaking all the way down the string and pooling nicely in my underpants. Perfection... as I grab the sloppy blood soaked string and tug.. it plops into the toilet like an engorged heart still pumping blood. I pee out a few clots and then look at the tiny, crushed half opened "Ultra Thin" in my hand. Oh Christ.... no options now unless I was gonna make a McGyver Tampon out of toilet paper. I simply remove the tampon from the ALREADY opened package only to find that on the tip of the applicator/tampon (the part that goes inside the vajay) has a blade of grass stuck to it and also speckles of dirt and other debris... again I look in the toilet at the last one and knowing how much I am bleeding (basically need a tourniquet at this point) decide its the dirty "Ultra Thin" or nothing... I blow gently on the tip of the tampon to remove the dirt and grass before inserting the cigarette sized crushed tampon. I can't even feel this shit??? FLUSH... as I pull up my pants I can already see the string getting saturated with blood and know I have at best 20 minutes to get rid of the ciggy and find a cigar to stuff the dam!!! Thank god Elle was only getting a trim!!!!!
