With a trip planned a week in advance to visit Elle's family, one is never truly prepared (only had one pair of clean undies and two socks that had only been worn once...thats clean right?) we booked our flights and filled a backpack the morning of our flights.
Now anytime you sleep for like 3 hours and then get up for the day your poop schedule is just gonna be fucked. Doesn't matter who you are cause you body is like why the fuck are my eyes open and your asshole is like this is weird...and in all weird situations its best to stay CLENCHED & CLOSED!!
Our flight to Dallas had a connection in Philly and since we had risen before Jesus we needed food. Im sure you could imagine our "wide" selection of food... there was one bar open (6am) and a McDonalds. We got our McBreakfast and sat dazed at gate 23 waiting to board. As soon as I finished my delicious meat like sandwich my stomach started to gurgle. I started getting nervous...I have had to shit on airplanes before (please see previous Greece entry) and it did NOT end well or stay in the toilet. Elle was in a similar situation so I offered to stay with the bags
(lord knows if someone sees something they say something!) so she could shit without worries of having bags on the bathroom floor. She returns, refreshed and we board the plane... now my stomach had sort of calmed itself... probably from those quick walking air farts that are virtually silent.
Philly was only 45 minutes away I could do this... well I had the sweats by the time we landed and with only 45 minutes till our flight to Dallas Elle was on her own with the bags while I quickly b-lined to the bathroom. Now I personally hate shitting in public, but Elle assured me that if it is ever appropriate the AIRPORT is one of those places. I walked into the wafting odor of asshole and noises that would make a grown man blush. Apparently ALL we do is SHIT IN AIRPORT BATHROOMS! Which makes for incredibly SLOW-STINKY lines. As I stand trying not grimace as my ass cheeks are so tightly smashed together my turn finally arrives. OH, and its the stall that faces all the other eager morning shitters still in line!! JOY!!!! I make my way into the stall and figure its now or never, drop my pants... holding the bottoms up to avoid whatever that fluid on the floor maybe and try to concentrate on dropping a deuce. I'm not sure what kinda face I make when shitting but I certainly
DO NOT need an audience. As the pent up rage of gas and doody exits my rectum I look up to find that MY stall door has about a 3 inch gap where it meets the wall and I am now face to face with the line of eager shitters waiting their turn... AND THOSE FUCKERS ARE ACTUALLY STARING AT ME!!! Now anyone who knows me knows that shy isn't even in my vocab but really... an audience?! It wasn't even to the worst part... now I had to wipe my asshole with 1000 hungry eyes staring. And it was one of those tar shits where you
HAVE to look at the toilet paper to make sure you got it all!!?? Finished...I felt odd exiting... do these people look at their toilet paper to make sure there is no shit left on it?? Wash my hands and leave, hoping that the first lady in line/eye to eye contact with me is not seated on my plane.
Elle is in hysterics as I explain what just happened and we board our flight to Texas without any further incident.
We spend an amazing weekend with her grandparents (except that its so hot outside YOU CAN NOT BREATH) and their puppies Caesar and Miss Wickets. My favorite conversation of the weekend was with with her grandma Deb who is
AMAZING. She was telling me how there was something wrong with that Mitt Romney and the way he walks... like he has spikes or rings or something around his balls?? *It should be noted during this entire conversation she was using her hands as if she were cupping Mitt's balls* AMAZING... she swears by it.... Just watch the way he walks!! This was one of many conversations where I felt like I was talking to myself as an older woman. Simply an amazing woman. Popa T was just as interesting... esp the video we watched together about the solar system in silence.. like we were tripping on mushrooms or acid even though I was just drinking Stella!? His quote of the week was at breakfast when Elle, Deb, Popa T and I were talking about his fake steel knees and how well they worked... he paused and said "I wish they made other things!" I couldn't resist and gently rubbed his arm telling him "they don't make
that!" LOL!!!!!!!
The trip home was a different adventure....
To be continued
