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Anyone who knows my mother knows that she is not the "do it yourself" type and with my father gone she kinda just flops around like a fish out of water if something goes haywire or disgusting happens. Well this story is no exception and actually excentuates this :) My father did a complete overhaul of our kitchen circa 1991 and being the crazy man that he was he bought an industrial stovetop, ven though all he cooked was filthy, crusty, burned london broil (the meat was like swallowing shards of black glass with a bloody center), which although looked very impressive was never used to its full capability. Above this massive stovetop was a cabinet (that we were forbidden to touch?! due to the fact that it was attached by double sided tape or some shit!? Forget the fact that the box AND I LOVE BOX was COVERED IN GREASE and FOOD PARTICLES!!) that incased some sort of a stove fan.... FLASH FORWARD to this past weekend... Over the spring birds have built a nest in the outside part of this fan structure causing poo, feathers and bird fetuses to shoot out when ever it is in use. Saturday, Mom was seated in the kitchen this weekend when she heard a noise followed by serious fucking tweets. Apparantely A BIRD had fallen down the shaft and was now trapped in screen part above the stove. Terrified Mom called a neighbor for assistance as my sister arrived with her baby. The neighbor, a nature loving woman (hairy armpits) explained that they had to remove the screen to free the trapped bird. She then began unscrewing the screen above the stove to free the bird as my sister gave her a harsh warning about touching the forbidden cabinet due to the "tape" and Dad's rules. She ignored my sister and continued screwing to get access to the shaft :)all of sudden the screen falls out feathers and bird shit fly all over the kitchen covering my mother, neighbor, SISTER AND BABY who had to all stand super fucking close to the action as to miss a tweet. (note the bird shit helped to adhere the feathers to each of the individuals faces but no fucking bird?!) My sister starts screaming about the feces with a shit and feather covered face, her her child who decides to eat some bird shit (which I can't blame her it does look similair to good n'plenty candy), my mother electrician arrives on scene. His face as he scans the shit show and feather festival was as if he was watching a train wreck... the concerned neighbor "selflessly" screams to the man that the bird is stuck in the shaft and its an emergency!! The man clears some feathers and bird shit reaches into the shaft as all the eager faces watch and pulls out... a fucking bird corpse that is forzen in time! His face turns to horror (as if the shit/feather covered kitchen WITH A BABY isnt horrifing enough) as he removes a second and whats this OH A FUCKING THIRD BIRD CORPSE from inside my mothers kitchen!! My sister starts screaming as my mother simply holds open a plastic zip lock birdie body bag now containing 3 rotting bird corpses and tells my sister to stop screaming... and looks to my neighbor, who is visibly upset and leaves just as my mother whips the zip lock baggie, birds and all at my sister!! The man takes $30 bucks (10 a bird) and leaves, forever changed from this experience. As we all discussed this the next day in hysterical laughter as I tried to explain what the fuck that poor bird must have been thinking.... falling down a fucking pitch black hole and landing on NOT 1 BUT 2 dead bodies!!!!! Your goddamn right I would have been screaming too... after taking a picture of course!