Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"

Perfect Day

October 28, 2011
The day started with a bang as my mother(I recently moved home)busted through my broken bedroom door announcing with delight that it was 8am!! Wuu Hooo... only 1/2 hour till adventures with my siblings would begin...
As I crawled out of my sweaty sheets, staring at the floor that was partially covered with the clothes I went to sleep wearing (I think living at home has made me an exhibitionist) I began collecting my items needed for showering... shaving cream, razor etc.. and decided to make the made dash (all my aunts are visiting/staying with us for the week) to the bathroom wearing nothing but one reindeer sock and a ripped t-shirt.

Shower on. Check. Items for showering. Check. Towel I have been using for 4 days. Check. Brush my teeth and climb in. Now I know better then to NOT put my contacts in but I was in a rush. As the piping hot water (anytime you flush a toilet the water becomes blistering HOT) rinsed the sweat off me I quickly found a wash cloth and lathered up... it was only after lathering that I realized (no contacts) THIS WAS NOT MY WASHCLOTH!!!! PUKE... and I was covered in long grey hairs from god know where?! Oh Christ... Turn the water to scorch as to kill any bacteria I had just rubbed into my flesh and grabbed the shaving cream. As I tried spraying it into my hand it had no consistency and was sticky? I shook the bottle violently annoyed, blind, burned and probably covered in ancient pubic hair finally enough product oozed out and I immediately applied it to my legs.. no suds? Fuck it! NO TIME... I start shaving my legs (thank god not my snatch, which was in the running) and the razor was getting stuck and my leg was burning... wtf is going on?? I rinse my leg and I'm outta this tile hell hole.
Dry off with yucky week old towel.. put in contacts discover that not only was I using a dirty wash cloth but I was shaving my legs with dry shampoo (the bottles do look similar without contacts.) Perfect start to a perfect day..

I drive even though I am the biggest lush. As we sing to the hits of 80s & 90s laughing along.. we begin to pass a construction site... right shoulder closed..workers etc.. All of a sudden the 18 wheeler in front of us starts swerving... and to our horror as we watch the back right wheels bounce a long a raccoon spasming to death after being crush comes shooting out at our vehicle. IN SYNC we all start screaming like little bitches and pointing like who the fuck could miss that?? While we scream and point we pass grown men construction workers on the shoulder also screaming and pointing as to make sure no one missed the filthy fucker dying.

In the Bronx we go to this market that sells what looks like dried up penis and wet balls of yeast infection.. I vote to wait outside and take pictures. While waiting I moved a can of... whatever it was and was promptly told by one of the workers that "THATS FOR SALE INSIDE DON'T TOUCH THE DISPLAY" shocked I back away from the angry man (he must hate gays) and my arm brushes against a razor blade... for fucks sake what kind of market is this?? Oh thank god it wasn't a razor just a fucking dried out dead fish covered in salt which means I probably WONT get an infection... PUKE (I mean really who eats a fish that still has fins people...and salted eyes no less?)
Now Brooklyn, where my nephew lives!! I got to see his apartment (I should have warned him as a single male in college NOT to buy dark colored sheets...whoops)and we opt to go back to the beer garden only after my sister (his mother) promptly takes his sheets for a "good cleaning." Liter after liter of German beer the stories get dirtier, funnier and of course more disgusting until it was time to depart.

Back in CT I am whisked off to another Irish Pub by my brother... He and I share a lot of similar interest...mostly evil... Fridays are the best night to hit a pub early because some people have started there for happy hour but forget to leave. Our plan worked perfectly because we watched a 50+ year old woman SHITFACED stumble across the bar with her 400lb purse and 3 guys behind her high five as the youngest of the bunch "walks her out." Luckily we were seated by the door so we didn't miss a beat as she smashed her face and head into the stain glassed window (Uhh...gotta use the knob sugar) and then fell down the front stairs. We bet that the guy with her (obviously a complete stranger) was gonna bang her out in the back of her own car in the parking lot and leave her locked inside with the keys! LOL!! So we weren't surprised at all when he returned all smiles 25 minutes later minus drunk cougar and a gallon of semen. In the words of JIM JONES "A Perfect Day"