Birthdays only come along once a year, so its best to GO BIG when your going to be celebrating. (Not such a good idea when you have a wedding the next day.) The festivities started around 7pm at a well known pizza restaurant. We waited forever for our table, which must have been a birthday treat, because it was directly next to the bathrooms. We immediately ordered our first round of beverages as the fruit flies began landing all over our faces, cue the story telling. All of my stories are true and I love when a stranger or new person is introduced to us for the first time because they never now how to take me... esp when there are about 400 fruit flies on the corner of my eyes and nostrils (I love eating in Malaysia!) and filth pouring out of my mouth.
We ordered our food, and learned my friend "BJ" does not eat bacon, so we just assumed that it was because she was Muslim and moved on... the Muslim issue will come into play much later on.... :)
Finish our food and bolt to the next destination.. in Spain no less! Grab a booth, shots and more friends join us, including a special appearance by Marky Mark Wahlberg, who must have known it was BJ and SSA's birthday! (Please note SSA is ass back words..and I love ass!) After rubbing elbows and nipples with the stars we headed to an Irish Pub for Birthday Car Bombs and I knew I was in heaven when my first beer came in a dirty glass!!! Now as the drinks go down it starts to feel like I am in a different country... and then I realize its not because I am wasted its that SSA's girlfriend, Marie and my friend Schweaty Bahls are from Providence, RI so the buzz is making their accents sound like foreigners. My obsession with the accents was cut short when my girl and SSA returned from the bathroom with photos of one of the stalls. It was as if one of the ladies in the bars mouth had become a power washer spraying vomit at a high volocity dowsing the entire stall with colorful chunks. If only these photos were scratch and sniff!!
The night ended in style with dancing, glow sticks and religion! We were dancing surrounded by boys (kinda like being in a bulkaki movie?) which happens when your lesbian until BJ breaks free and starts dancing with an African male. His moves were as sweet as honey from a hive! I mean who pretends to play bongos on a dance floor?? As if the colorful beads around his neck were not dazzling enough he had a glow stick in his back pocket! The dancing ended suddenly as Renee started doing the humpty (you know flopping around like her leg was broken?) Puzzled... she yelled that her fucking shoe had broken off her foot!!! LOL!!!!! I knelt down, on the sticky, wet, semen covered dance floor to find that that strap on her heel had completely broken off.. I escorted her off to a filthy leather couch (caked with what I can only imagine to be dry vomit) where I prayed for a miracle... ***CUE LIGHTS*** As we explained to our friends that our dancing days were over, Jesus Christ appeared. He was wearing all white and desert sandals. BJ was instantly mesmerized by his Holiness and as she disappeared back onto the dance floor with Jesus aka JC I tried to shout to her "I thought you were a Muslim?"
It took more then a miracle to separate BJ from JC at the end of the night but we were finally able to remove her clenched fists from his robes as she shouted out with glee... CALL ME!! (((JESUS CHRIST)))
All is well that ends with a blackout... BJ woke up with 3 people in her apartment...two in her bed, one on her couch and her tall ass smashed in a bean bag chair in her living room...as she wiped the sweat, drool and blood of Christ from her face she was thinking.... 27 is gonna be a good year!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BITCHES!!!! xoxoxoxoo
