As I sat back last night to enjoy a cup of coffee on the couch my dog, Tucker, began acting suspicious. I tried to ignore the warnings and pass it off as him being a weirdo until I heard it too...
(Russel Russel)... Oh Jesus what the fuck is down here with me? Tucker was mostly obsessed with the dog crate in the corner of the room and the bed inside it. I instantly flashed back to last week when I was in the same room and heard a lot of scurrying..and realized now oh shit he found the culprit. So I did the usual and called Renee so that when I crept over to investigate I would not be alone so to speak...
Once I had her on the phone I quickly pulled the dog bed out of the crate so that there was nothing between me and the mouse but air so boy was I lucky when it ran up the side of the crate! Tucker quickly plucked it off the bars and threw it in the air!! Now I am screaming, running, dogs are barking, Renee is laughing (I'm pretty sure she put me on speaker phone at work) as Tucker made quick work of this sucker by biting it in half BUT NOT KILLING IT. PUKE!!!! The mouse began kicking its legs, its eye fell out and I was screaming at Tucker to stop as the little crime scene of blood and the eye grew larger on my precious hardwood floors!!
Always thinking, I grabbed the dust pan and tried to scoop up the kicking, bleeding, pirate (eyeless) mouse but the fucker kicked itself right toward my hand so I dropped it to the floor which to the dog meant "game on"! Tucker tossed its filthy, severed body in the air again and again! I grabbed the ENORMOUS broom and swept the carcase into the dust pan and then held it down with the bristles.
Cue the true adventure.. I now had to climb a flight of stairs holding a long ass broom that was pinning the tiny soon to be mouse corpse to the dust pan, negotiate a baby gate that was blocking the stairs only to get to the front door that was locked with 500 dead bolts, fucking Fort Knox! I literally had to hold the broom handle with my throat while I struggled one handed with the locks, mouse kicking, me screaming until finally the door opened!
I was sweating and struggling, which must be why I failed to notice my neighbor who was standing in front of my porch walking her pug as I smashed through the screen door and whipped the little corpse out the door and as far away from me as possible!! As the mouse sailed through the air, I heard my neighbor scream "NO" as it flew by inches from her face... and I simply closed the door! :)
