"my neck, MY BACK..."

Ah the summer months.... months of frolicking outside, sunset drinks and for me a constant sweat mustache and wet armpits.  However, I have been unable to filthily cleanse my pours so to speak because at the end of June my spinal cord disc's yet again decided to bulge out of place and make sweet love to all the surrounding nerves.  Now this old injury reoccurs every year or so, unexpectedly so you can imagine my surprise when I was driving to work on a Monday morning and violently got stabbed in the back  by knife wielding ghost causing my left leg to go numb.  FUCK ME...it was like driving with a sandbag attached at my hip.  Getting home was a bit tricky because I always worry that my vagina might go numb as well and as we know from previous blogs my SUV has cloth seats and even though they are already covered with bodily fluids I hate to add fuel to the fire but more IMPORTANTLY I NEED TO FEEL MY VAGINA!!!! 

I arrived home and could no longer really control my left leg and my back was getting worse.  As I parked the car I prayed no neighbors were outside... Have you ever actually seen the "Humpty Dance" Well it goes a little something like this (slightly modified) 

      I fell out of the car cause the left leg is closest

  I limped to the side like my leg was broken

Shaking and twitching like I was drunk or jokin'

Crazy, Wack, Funky 

That's alright cause Cuddy was in motion

As I wobbled to the door it must have looked like

I was having a fit or convulsion

No two people will do it the same

You can only do this dance when in SEVERE PAIN

 

 

This shit was for real!!!!  When I went to my Dr. he just stared the disc was so sore to the touch and it appeared as though I had a ping pong ball in my back.  Dr. orders rest and physical therapy.  Now I have done physical therapy before but this was a new experience for me.  I walked in and it basically looked either like a sex shop or torture chamber. There were colorful ball, weights, leather things even some gags (it appeared) everywhere and three different "private rooms" along with curtains around certain "instruments" for privacy.

This did not put me off at all....I actually smiled at my new "therapist."  First I was taken into a room where I had to lay on a table with used paper (it was ripped and I could see someone else's shoe print on it) and had my therapist push down on my hips...then a second person entered the room for my "pelvic thrusts."  A pelvic thrust is exactly what it sounds like... I made sweet, painful love to the air while my new, we will call them dominatrix watched.

 

I was sore and tired from all that pumping (props to all you fella's out there!)... but the dominatrix was not done with me...she turns me over so that they can apply DIRECT PRESSURE TO THE DISCS!!!!!  I was moaning in pain and realized how sexual this experience had actually become.  This second position was only pained more by the attempt to relax the muscles around it. 



 As tears began to fill my eyes and the slightest moans escaped my mouth I thought Jesus when did I last feel this uncomfortable, nauseous and in pain...... OH YEAH losing my virginity with a man!  As they continued moving my clothes around to poke and prod at my spine, it was then that I realized I was fucking wearing underpants that had Christmas Trees and said HO!!HO!!HO!! Its July. Fuck my life.

 

Finally they finished with using their hands on me.  One of the dominatrix told me to go into the next room... Room 2.

 

ROOM 2

The table in this room was slightly tilted (pillow portion towards floor.)  There were some sort of nylon straps, plastic buckles, leather corset and a machine in the wall.  The machine had two thick ropes coming out of a metal box, with a bar between them.  I start thinking holy fucking shit is that stick like a piece of leather for me to "bare down" on?!  All I can think is sex swing...minus table.

  As the door to Room 2 closes I see a women laying out IN PLAIN SIGHT on what can only be described as 4 beds pushed together, like an orgy bed I once saw in NYC?! I smile... thinking at least the tables are easy to clean unlike the sticky cushions I had sat on at that bar!!!  The woman had some sort of a band attached to her feet forcing her legs to her face?  It was then I knew I was in for an epic experience... whatever it was.

 

 

  The door shuts only to reveal another leather device/harness with straps attached. (I am gay so I am pretty fucking familiar with a leather harness if you know what I mean!)  My dominatrix removes the harness from the door and asks me to step into the leg straps....  Ummm awkward.... esp cause I have a days old stubble on my legs because I can't bend down to shave them, decide to make a joke about it...no laugh... ok, you fucking weirdo.  Legs in harness and corset #1 goes around my waist, she adjusts all the straps (not used to this?)  Next I am told to lay down on the table, which also has a piping hot water/towel baggie thing on it. Very Hot, not sexually.  Dominatrix then pulls the second harness/corset up over my boobs and LITERALLY STRAPPING ME DOWN TO THE FUCKING TABLE!!!!  Now I am a little nervous, I have worn harness, been tied to beds but this...this is weird.  For a number of reasons mostly cause I don't even know her name? 

 

Now that I am all "tied up" the dominatrix pulls the ropes out of the machine in the wall and attaches by METAL HOOKS to the legs harness. (Oh I forgot to mention that my legs are bent over a stool which was placed on the table so I can't even see the machine only stubble legs!!!!  She asks if I am ready for "traction."  My back is killing me and I just want this over so I agree.... The machine starts...  Basically traction is when you are attached to a table by harnesses and straps and the machine pulls you from your lower body towards the wall separating you spinal discs.  All I could think of at that exact moment was yelling "FREEDOM" as I was pulled apart.  After 20 minutes of being stretched apart the machine shut off.  I was released from the table and allowed to leave...and leave I did... two sweaty butt cheek marks on the table and finger nail impressions on the cushion.

Next time I would like a piece of leather to bite on!

 

So in between my visits to the dungeon my life consists of my mothers 1970's heating pad and pills.

 

 On my next visit I am going to bring one of my wife's scarfs so that I can peacefully drop it during traction... TAKE THAT Mel Gibson!!!!

 

 

"Purrrrrfect Vacation"

When your in your 30's every birthday can be celebrated differently.  Sometimes your happy, in disbelief or sometimes you just decide to grab the bull by the horns.  This adventure recently happened to one of my besties, Vee.  She decided to celebrate her 30 something birthday by taking a trip to the west coast and hanging out with a fun family member.  The surprises she encountered not only will make this trip/birthday epic in her mind but probably change her or make her feelings stronger about dating on the west coast.

Vee just loves flying, so much that usually has a couple of "pops" before climbing aboard the flying death trap and struggling to her seat.  I am not sure but judging from her usual sized purses I doubt they fit under the seat, but maybe the leopard print on the bag helped disguise it from the stewardess predators.  Plane takes off, little switch over in O'Hare (by far the biggest airport I have ever had the luxury of RUNNING THROUGH) and another flight to her destination.  Safe and somewhat sound.

Yes, there is a time change, but when your on vacation you tend to pass on the naps and bolt for the bars.  Vee and her relative, who happens to be gay (CHEERS) takes her out to some amazing bar where he is performing.  Vee and I share a lot of things, one of which is being comfortable alone in an Irish pub with beer.  Vee (only a little over 5 feet tall) climbs onto a stool and samples the local beers.  Yum, she finds one she likes only to turn and see a man, probably our age but looking of death, standing in her personal space.  As he leans in closer to talk he places his hand holding a beer on the bar.  Closer, closer he comes to Vee's face until he says "So, before we exchange names..." 

SMASH he drops his whole fucking beer on the bar pouring everywhere and soaking up napkins, coasters and any chance of a hookup.  I can only imagine how much Vee enjoyed his conversoaktion. I mean if your gonna get a girl wet... this ain't the way tiger!  After poorly attempting to clean up his shit he quickly made an escape, followed by Vee and her Uncle laughing hysterically about how smooth that pick up line had gone!

The next day they were off to a parade, with naked people(check out the dancing boobs) doing everything from riding bicycles to dancing in painted suits, that ended at a huge street fair.

 

Once at the street fair Vee did some shopping and bought amazing west coast shirts before making her way to the bathroom.  The "bathroom"  was actually a huge mess of porta potties with lines as long as how bad you have to use one of these filth traps.  As Vee stands there, holding her bag, waiting she is approached by another male.  This one looks her up and down and then asks "So, is that your bag?"  Vee, who has sooo many patients like animal with rabies, fires back "Yes, what are you security or something?"  I mean, who the fuck else's bag would she be holding.  Two creepy facts about this situation.... #1  DO NOT PICK UP WOMEN IN LINE TO USE PORTA POTTY and #2 DO NOT ASK RITORICAL QUESTIONS THAT YOU THINK IN YOUR HEAD WILL SOUND WITTY/FUNNY BECAUSE YOU SOUND LIKE A STUPID ASSHOLE.  Finally its her turn for the "bathroom"  my question "where the fuck did you put your bag down?????

Next stop a night out on the town in gay bars!!!  I get a snap chat that evening because the bar they end up at is the name of her cat....

And being a lesbian I think a name like Purr is odd for a male dominated club... what about like "Rough" with a picture of a dog or "Humpday" or even something as simple as "Cum one Cum all."  Anyway so she is in the bar having a fabulous time when she again has to use the bathroom.  Now you may not be gay so you don't know that even if a bathroom is marked for a specific sex anyone sex can and will use such bathroom.  Vee enters the "ladies" room, which happens to have some male patrons and a bunch of transsexuals.  She enters her stall and before she can even pull her pants down the knocking on the wall begins..  Knocking on the stall door for gay man is an indication that they would like to have sex with you... NOW in the STALL... if you knock back GAME ON if you don't they just keep knocking.  Vee has no clue WTF is going on but DOES NOT KNOCK BACK.  She continues peeing until the relentless knocker stops knocking and the light kinda changes in her stall?  Looking up from her seated position she sees the transsexual she had passed in the stall next to her, standing on the toilet looking down on her and watching her pee.

 Vee shocked but unmoved just stares back until the transsexual says staring down at her ass "I just wanted to make sure you were a "REAL GIRL" before hopping down and disappearing.  Congrats you are a REAL girl and I could totally tell that from only being able to see your ass and piss filling the toilet?!  We call this an amazing vacation!!!  Hit on by drunk men, dumb men, and men who don't look like men is classic and something to always reflect on!

Sadly the end of her vacation was nearing and so her Uncle was having people over to watch sports.  When company comes over he puts his dog into the bathroom because it is a wild animal to strangers, leaving guests to have to use the neighbors bathroom.  I think we all see the theme developing here Vee, you and bathroom trips DON'T MIX.  Vee excuses herself and walks to the neighbors to pee.  Inside the neighbors she sees weird hooks/apparatus hung in the ceiling.  She wonders what that could possibly be, maybe art?  Pee's and then leaves the bathroom.  It wasn't until she called me to tell me these along with many other ridiculous stories that in between belly laughing I explained that the hooks/apparatus are a sex swing!!!!!!! 

She responded with "huh that makes sense."  I so would have loved to gone on this bday vaca.  But I am glad your home safe and sound, possibly with a VD and gay tendencies but home regardless!!!!!!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY VEE!!!  LOVE U AND YOUR TRUELY UNJUDGING MIND!!! I can't wait to spill my next drink on you!

"Going off the precipice"

I know, I know its been ages but here we go!!!

So a couple of weeks ago some friends of ours and us decided to take a weekend overnight in Newport, RI.  Now I had never been but everyone raves about the mansions and shoppes...well I am going to rave about lots of other things!

We got to the hotel early so that we could go see some mansions and hit some pubs and althought it was cloudy it was not raining..yet.  Our friends Gary and Shawn arrived to their suite and found it oh so charming until they entered the bathroom.  You see when you travel to beautiful places sometimes it awakens something so deep inside you that you have to just "mold something" "create" or SHIT!!!  You see the toilet had some... we shall say reminiscence of poo, paper and pee so without hesitation they gave it flush... WHOOOOOSHHHHH  well the doody started floating to the top along with the shit toilet paper piss and god knows what else... next thing you know they are basically on the titanic which instead of filling with salt water is filling with fecal.

Lucky for them maintenance was outside their room and began bailing out their romantic room.  They immediately headed for the bar which is where we met up with them after finding our Suite in perfect condition!

We headed to the mansions first and boy was I surprised to find not only the elegance of the houses but also the fact that they had their toilets covered in wicker to disguise them and ass tub just for rinsing shit!!!!!  AMAZING.... This really was the "Golden Age"  Elle and I posed outside a mansion that had a name that just rang true to so many things "BREAK HER"  (so disgusting, I guess that is why it won me over!)  This picture was taken before we went inside "her"

 We had time to kill since Gary had to run 4 blocks and down to the servants quarters to take a piss... you see the wicker toilets are no joke not for common asses.  When we pulled out of her, it was soaking wet... Raining silly!!   So we headed back to our hotel dropped off the car and hit the pubs!  First up Fastnet Pub.

Ahhh we walk into the smell of Guinness, urine and rugby on T.V.  Home at last!  But as if it couldn't get any better the tables were actually huge barrels with stools so you had to like wrap your legs around them... let me tell you I have been gay a long time so its been awhile since I had something THAT BIG BETWEEN MY LEGS!!!

Now mind you we had just left the mansions... but Gary needed to find the bathroom.  As we ordered our beers he headed to the bathroom (which we all watched) entered and exited seconds later.  As a true gay man he was furious that there was no fucking mirror in there and additionally he had to take a piss but the urinals were touching with no divider (so you can get other peoples splash back SO COOL) and a random fucking toilet out in the open.... I was excited... so its like a prison cell!!!

  Now you have to be ONE HELL OF A CONFIDENT SHITTER to drop a duece in public.  I mean there are people that pay to watch people shit and here you are in a pub with a bathroom the size of matchbook just dropping your drawers and squeezing out a log.... INTENSE.  I was dying to go inside but was afraid of getting thrown out!  After eating we bounced across the road in the pouring rain to a bar with an amazing name  "Pour Judgement."  Everyone was unsure about it but the two 50 something dyke-alikes in the window had me sold!  But they weren't even the best part.... NO it was the actually fucking pirate sitting behind me with a peg fucking leg that took the cake!!!!  He hated life and looking at face like that .... I'm sure life hated him.... but everyone makes mistakes...we will let him slide... We got a table that allowed me to sit directly infront of him to hear all his bitching and hatred (i loved every minute...if only i could have found the courage to kick that peg leg out from under him!!!)

As I stared in amazement we were all overcome by a violent whiff of vomit.. someone had poured their stomach contents out all over the floor and the pissed off pirate was on his way to set them straight... Out the door (don't like getting to dry EVER) we head off.....  We have no umbrella and there is traffic on the cobblestone street so we are all forced to walk on the sidewalk.  As I am walking staring at the ground I hear a woman YELL  "I AM GOING OFF THE PRECIPICE" as the ancient woman flew off the curb into traffic and the cobblestone street STILL HOLDING HER RAINBOW UMBRELLA!   Who the fuck yells that??? A precipice??  Its a curb... not a cliff and were the gay ones arent we suppose to go off the cliff??  Anywho the woman actually circles around and says to us (we are all hysterical)  "Oh, I know precipice isn't the first word that would come to mind, but it was a state of emergency!"  Classic..

Next on our travels we ran into a gaggle of women and Shawn had enough of our bitching about the ran (oh and Gary's suede shoes getting wet) so we were able to "borrow" an umbrella from the women... Oh no keep it they said... joke was on us shit was all busted but the print kept it with us the rest of the night.

DINNER TIME!  What goes with seafood but Oyster Shooters.... I was the only one who had ever had them... I guess its an acquired taste??  Note faces of others taking them

Oh yeah it should be noted that Gary vomited his at the table.  Can't force feed a gay man fish!!!  Our last stop of the night was a small tavern that is haunted.  We got lost in the rain for another 15 minutes after dinner before getting to the shitty tavern.  The tavern is smaller than a bathroom stall and as we sneak past the romantic tables to sit at the bar I start gagging on the smell of ass.... holy fucking shit someone just shit their pants.  It was so bad that tables LEGIT LEFT!!!   It wasn't until the bar was ours alone that Shawn admitted to crop dusting the entire place!  PUKE...    We were all beat and as we started our walk home in the rain Gary started torturing Shawn about a glass he bought at the tavern.... he began running about and climbing bushes and puddles until Shawn shouted that he was "cruisein for a bruisen"  which I haven't heard since my mother said it to me?!  Back a the hotel we left the leopard print umbrella for another couple to enjoy as we had and headed to bed...  As we rode the elevator together it was obvious Gary was feeling GREAT... BING their floor... Doors open to a beautiful marble table with a huge flower arrangement on it.  Gary yells  "OH FLOWERS!!"

And bolts towards them with Shawn yelling "Gary stop it!  They have cameras!!!"  Doors close... well it wasn't until the next morning that we heard how the rest of their night ended.  You see right after the elevator door closed Gary lost his balance and fell to the left smashing into a woman carrying a tray of food which then caused her to get wailed into the plaster wall cracking it!!!!!!!  WHOOPSY DAISY!!!!!!

They'll never notice... After all it wouldn't be an adventure if someone didn't get hurt, shit themselves, vomit or all of the above!   CHEERS NEWPORT!!!  WE'LL BE BACK!!!!!!

AUTO FLUSH FACE

Happy New Years Eve Fools!  This is one of many amazing stories to come from my wife and my holiday adventure in Chicago, IL.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed living it...

Spending the holidays in Chicago was great, getting to eat at one of the most amazing restaurants for Christmas "Joe's Stone Crab" even better.  Reservations were for 6pm on the dot so with three brother in-laws, one sister in-law, Papa T, Elle, me and the parents in a pear tree goes without saying we had to leave early.

We split up into two cars and started our drive into the city.  I had never seen Chicago at night and have to say it is one of the most gorgeous cities, filled with lights, people and my most favorite a building shaped like (of all things) a VAGINA.   Yes, I have arrived!

During the car ride my stomach began to grumble and I assumed it must be hunger pains even though we had only eaten brunch like 4 hours ago?  The heat in the car only intensified that nauseous feeling growing in my gut, but I brushed it off (belching a few times to relieve the pressure)... telling myself oh its probably cause I am squished in the back seat and excited.  We arrived at the restaurant, got shuffled around to coat check and then seated in a massive dining room filled with holiday decor.

We sit down and after sipping our waters and everyone at the table getting "crabs" (I figured I would just shave off all the pubic hair and wear the shampoo for two weeks when I got home to get rid of them) one of my brother in-laws had to excuse himself due to sickness.  As he walked out the door I wondered if he and I had eaten the same thing at brunch, because my stomach was now in shambles too.  With my "hunger pains", I continued on like a brave soldier drinking a mixed drink and getting crabs... HUGE CRABS... until my mouth began to fill with fluid.  NOT GOOD!  I excuse myself and rush to the gorgeous TWO FUCKING STALL BATHROOM and bolted into stall #2.

I could feel the chunks rising in my throat as I took the kneeling position, legs partially sticking out from under the fancy stall door when projectile vomit, accompanied by loud gags/heaves and that fucking bizarre OOHHH sound exited my body.

 
It was then that I noticed ALL the lady chatter by the mirror near the door had ceased.  Most likely to stare at my dope ass kicks poking out from under the stall door and to listen to the amazing sounds of a wild animal escaping my body... it was then that I saw something that would make this experience even more special...

THE AUTO FLUSH!!!!!!!!  FUCK MY LIFE..... I braced my self, both hands curled around the public restroom toilet seat, toilet paper seat cover protecting my fancy sweater, sweat on my brow, the toilet began to rumble.  FLUSHHHHHH!!!!  Perfectly timed with my next heave.  Face now buried in foreign toilet, vomit spewing out of my body at the speed of light and public toilet water washing my face as though it was an asshole perched on a bidet.

 I rested my soaking wet face on my arm on the toilet seat to catch my breath while the toilet water dripped off my face.  Moments later it was over.  I was fine again.  I removed my seat cover bib, threw it in the toilet and watched, this time from a distance as the auto flush sucked away the last traces of my stomach lining.  It was time to return to the table.  The bathroom was silent as I tore off pieces toilet paper to dry my face and thinking it might be empty I exited my stall.  WELL IT WASN'T EMPTY... as a matter of fact it was fucking chock full of damsels in distress over my experience.  Not one word was spoken as I stood outside of the stall looking at them as they stared at me, some with mouths open.  Time to make my BIG EXIT....  I took the balled up piece of toilet paper in my fist and opened it up calmly.... paused.... made eye contact with the ladies and slowly wiped the remaining drops of toilet water from the corners of my mouth as if I had just finished a delicious meal.

 It was like the seas were parting for Moses as I made my way to the sink to wash my hands.  After washing up, I fixed my hair in the mirror turned to get paper towels.  After drying my hands BUT before leaving the bathroom I was sure to give a wink to the woman by the door.  I returned to the table giggling to myself and enjoyed the rest of the meal... knowing this would be a perfect story for the ride home!   CHEERS!!!!!!  I expect to see you all out tonight with that "so you got wasted" face on with a story for tomorrow!!  KCCO!!!!   HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!

Friday Night Lights...OUT

Hello Fools,
Sorry I have been away for sometime, work, work, work LOL but there is always time for play!  This past weekend was a very special weekend for a lot of reasons.  Most importantly I got to be part of an amazing fundraising effort for a very special little girl battling cancer.  So its to you beautiful girl that I dedicate this blog.

The festivities that I will discuss happened during the earlier part of the fundraising on last Friday.  I had to arrive to the event early to drop off raffle prizes, and it's never a good idea when you (meaning ME) get someplace too early with lots of alcohol.  I always try to keep in mind a friend's quote that drinking is a marathon not a sprint, but let just face it.. I'm so fucking fast it hurts!

As people arrived and drinks were poured, shots taken and stories told, I was more than ready to leave when my wife noticed that I had already "excused" myself and was outside?  My friend Vee, informed her that I had located a bench of sorts in a van associated with work and had knocked out there for a while.  Frantic Elle rushed only to find me dancing in the gravel parking lot with a family member.  Woo Hoo Elle knew immediately she was in for a treat.

When my "Lord of the Dance" ended Elle ushered me into the passenger seat of the car and as she opened the driver's door I was already slithering through the front seats into the back.

As she pulled out of the driveway I began screaming "TACOs TACOs" (not the kind we women carry around in our pants but I am sure that would have sufficed too!!!)  and the night goes black....

Fast forward hours.... I don't know how many so lets just say.... A LOT.  I wake up, staring at a weird pattern and have shoes on?  What the fuck is going on??  I sit up quickly only to realize that I am alone in my car in the back seat.  Takes a second but I am an old pro at this so I exit the SUV (which I might mention has turned into a fucking monster truck, because thats how high off the ground it feels!!!)  falling a good 5 feet till I reach the pavement and stare at what could only be cornstalks?  Great.. its night time and I am in a fucking corn maze.  I turn and like clockwork LOCK THE CAR DOOR and SHUT! 

It is at this time I realize I can actually see my own breath freezing in mid air before falling to the ground and shattering into a million pieces because it is approximately 1 degree outside and I am in a goddamn t-shirt while my warm sweater is now all secure inside my car... FUCK!  (Similar to image below)

I turn back to the stalks of torture... after fighting my way through them I realized that I had just walked through our Hibiscus flower stalks and I was now standing in the pitch black of my neighbors property.  In my head I am thinking "shit now I have to fight my way back through these stalks to get to my house...again."  *It should be noted that there is a sidewalk, driveway and numerous other options to get back to my property but because I am basically MAN v.s. WILD I will fight my way through LITERALLY 3 feet of stalks to my driveway*

Back on base if you will, I now "weave" my way to the front door of the house and begin ringing the doorbell and knocking trying to wake Elle out of her coma-like state.  Well... then I had an amazing idea... If she can't hear the door bell or the banging I bet if I yell her name through the mail slot that would work.  Well there are no handles on house siding (that shit is slippery) so I prop my self at mailbox height using the screen door and an ape like grip so that I can turn my head sideways allowing my NOSE AND MOUTH to fit inside the mailbox (leaving dark marks on either side of my face...it was a dirty little box) and yelled... maybe twice before getting winded.

Ooof, mommy needs to lay down...  I circle the house, which now feels like it has become a fucking estate since it seemed as though I had walked approximately a 1/2 marathon.  I try the garage doors, windows basement... its like fucking fort knox!!!!  Freezing, drunk and blind I make my way up the back porch to find a moist cushion from the porch swing gently laying on its side.  CHRIST... this will be interesting.  I stumble to lay the sopping wet cushion ( I am assuming it was dew/hoping it was fucking dew that made it this wet) down on the deck and then proceed to lay down inside it like a hotdog bun freezing.  My little carnie hand was able to grab hold of one of the ties to hold the cushion over my self as my night ended with tiny snores.
*REENACTMENT BELOW SAME CUSHION, LOCATION AND HOTDOG*

I am woken up suddenly by my dog, Citu, stepping on my head and Elle saying "Oh my god baby!"  You see the reality of the situation was that Elle had actually left my keys and cellphone inside the car with me so that I would not be locked out all of which I had failed to see.  When she woke up in the morning and found that I was MIA she had to canvass the neighborhood to finally find me as seen above.  We laugh as I begin to thaw and head upstairs for a couple hours of sleep.  When I wake up to pee hours later I decide its best just to remove my pants and shuffle downstairs in my undies.  I make it to the bathroom (which for some creepy reason has a mirror eye level so you get to watch yourself poop or pee?) and stare at myself in a daze.  I then look down and see all this dark substance in my underwear... fucking great I got my period to boot.  After peeing I go back to bed (still in the ratchet panties) to wake up to Elle telling me her version of events.  While she told me of taking me to taco bell and trying to drag me out of the car and me telling her "I'm doing something" (snore snore) before giving up and she and Citu sleeping for several hours in the car before abandoning ship and heading to bed.  We were hysterical and THEN I told her about my underwear.... She laughed and said maybe you sharted (fart and shit ones self) and proceeds to tell me how I had farted so wet and nasty in the car she and Citu had to leave.  *Gross, gross and gross.... I do a lot of things with my wife but shit and fart are two that I DO NOT APPROVE OF.*  I was like oh hee hee... and head back to the bathroom.

As pull down my nasty roo's and stare at the stain it becomes increasingly clear that SHIT IS EXACTLY WHAT I HAD DONE!!!!!!  Then like a bolt of lighting a memory came to me of holding onto a tree and peeing outside... had I dropped a duece outside????? Was a log laying in my yard?  Did I really lose control of my sphincter??  I ditched the panties in the trash, washed my stank ass bolted upstairs giggling hysterically telling Elle my discovery and telling her to get shoes on we had to go look in the yard for possible loafs!!   

 We run down the stairs scour the yard but find no logs or nuggets.  Elle decides that she is going to get up for the day as I wander back to bed.

I am woken up by a screaming Elle.  She is yelling something about bees stinging her and taking off her pants... I roll over to find her standing in our bedroom, without pants covered in bee stings.  3 on her knee and 1 on her bum.  She explains to me how she had taken Ceet out to go to the bathroom and while she was bent over picking up the dog shit she felt a sharp sting on her butt.  It was then that she realized that a bee had flown UP HER PJ's and stung her ass!!!!

 Instinctively she reached for the bug and once grabbing its (and I quote her) "exoskeletal" body she let it go.  The bee was now pissed the fuck off and went bananas stinging the shit out of her thighs and legs!!!!  As she tried to run for the house the shit bag in one hand became too big of an obstacle and she had no choice but to fling the bag of feces over the fence towards the trash bins

before STRIPPING OFF HER PANTS (leaving them to fend for themselves in the backyard) AND RUNNING BARE LEGGED INTO THE HOUSE!

 I think we can both safely say we survived this epic night by our courageous acts learned from none other than Bear Grylls and in his words "Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well presented body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting, “WOW….what a ride!”
and in my words... WOW what an asshole!!!!!!

"1 Tequila 2 Tequila 3 Tequila FLOOR"

Guess I have been on summer break or something?!  Lucky I am never short on filthy stories only time to tell them... unless of course we meet up at an Irish Pub on Fridays!

I got an amazing text over the weekend from my friend about shenanigans from a college reunion party she and her girlfriend had attended.  My friend "Vikki"and her girlfriend "M"had arrived on the early side of Saturday afternoon to "Maryland's" house for the party.  After introductions were made it was time to make M feel welcome so immediate drinking began...

Anytime its sunny outside and your already buzzed or laying on the ground with both hands grasping blades of grass "to hold on" means its gonna be a long day/night fo sho.  As time flew by so did the shots of tequila and god only knows what else...the only thing that I am certain Vikki and M did not swallow is semen.. and even that is questionable.

Vikki told me that around .. o'clock she felt the chunks rising in her throat so she excused herself from the party and went to the bathroom where she vomited... only a little she claimed (the clogged toilet says different) and then fumbled her way back downstairs to the fold out couch that she and M would be spending the night on.  She said I saw M outside hanging out and then everything went black... I woke up to people saying goodbye so I guess they were leaving (which I told her was a genius conclusion) but she could still hear M laughing in the distance as the light faded........

Cue the morning!  Vikki wakes up "early" to rush home to get to the farmers market (even though she is newly a lesbian that is the gayest thing she has EVER SAID TO ME!!  I mean why don't you just throw on your work boots and climb into your pickup for fucks sake?  Or make lame jokes like "Head out like a baby" or "Piece out like an abortion") to find her girlfriend laying next to her.  M is under the covers wearing a t-shirt and hooded sweatshirt.  She wakes M up... YAWN....  M sits up abruptly and asks "Where are my pants?"  Vikki confused lifts the blanket to find that M is naked below the waist?  They start scanning the room for M's missing clothes and finally spot them on the other side of the room in pile, bright yellow underpants resting atop the jeans.  Not wanting to be seen M quickly peels her bare ass off of the pull out and runs to her pile of clothes only to find......

that her pants and underpants were sopping wet...LIKE WENT SWIMMING WET!!!!  Vikki laughing and horrified asks "Did you piss yourself??" This question makes M pick up the wet clothes hold them against her face SMELLING THEM FOR A HINT OF URINE?!?!   Unsure of what the fuck happened, Vikki checks the pullout and finds that it is as dry as anal sex?  Did M somehow manage to get out of bed, piss her pants, remove them and climb back into bed???  No time time to play Sherlock Holmes Vikki had to get to the goddamn farmers market!!!!

Not wanting to wake anyone else in the house, Vikki forces M to PUT THE PISS SOAKED FREEZING COLD UNDERPANTS AND JEANS BACK ON HER BODY!!!!!!!!!!!  (** On a side note do you know how hard it is to put on soaking wet jeans???  Its like a second layer of skin or something... you have to inch that shit up like nylons or spandex.... Not for nothing I would have just pulled down my hoodie or worn my t-shirt as a "bottom" to avoid having to wear that hot mess of an outfit) After slithering back into her clothes of shame like a trooper M and Vikki leave Ally's house and walk to Vikki's car.  While walking, Vikki takes a second look at M and decides that it is not AWFUL enough that her girlfriend is wearing piss soaked clothes that she doesn't remember removing or struggled so hard to get BACK ON she laughs and tells her "you have to ride on this here parka (who knows where that came from?) so your piss pants don't touch my seats" LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Both laughed hysterically the entire ride home, and why the hell not at that point who the fuck cares if you piss your pants... TWICE?!   Tequila, tequila, tequila...... the only thing Vikki can remember for sure from that night is Jose Cuervo was the last man inside their mouths!!!!!!  CHEERS FUCKERS!!!!!  LOL!!!!!